Our “I” is formed in childhood. We are all products of those who are close to us during our childhood, those who love us or deny us love. For any person, support and love are the greatest gift. Love manifests itself most powerfully in the fact that we free those we love from limiting frameworks, from complexes and inspire them to create a worthy life.
At the very beginning of life, each of us is like an unopened flower. Only after the flower receives warmth and love will it open and all its beauty will become visible. Likewise, a child needs parental care, attention and approval in order to open up. If he does not receive enough love and approval, then his bud will never bloom.
There is a pain that sits deep in a person's chest, and it is unlike any other pain. People go to bed with this pain and get up with it. Sometimes the pain is so severe that mental illness occurs and the person needs professional help. If a child lacks understanding, then by the time he grows up and becomes an adult, his heart will be filled with grievances and he will be absorbed only in his own misfortunes, he will not be able to move away from himself to love anyone else.
I don’t communicate with my father and haven’t seen him for years, but I know that I would make peace with him instantly if he had the courage and apologized for all his mistakes: for never saying the most important words, for placed a burden of guilt and insecurities on me, doing things and saying words that convinced me that I was worthless. For what adult life it was difficult for me to restore the feeling self-esteem, because I didn’t know how to love for a long time. Because I made many fatal mistakes that led to nervous breakdowns, and all because I lacked the knowledge of how to act correctly in a given situation, because I had no one to turn to for advice...
And so, we were all children, but not everyone remembers this part of their life with pleasure.
Personally, I thought and was sure that everything would be different for me, that I would always understand my child and be there for him. best friend. But one day I realized that I was stepping on the same rake and making the same mistakes that my parents made! Without wanting this, I subconsciously copy the behavior model of my parents. This is where the saying “we are slaves to our habits” is true.
Yes, I provide better for my child, I don’t drink alcohol, I don’t smoke, I’m not subject to any harmful passions, but I commit the same painful actions! I'm robbing him of his self-respect and self-confidence. What does this mean? Criticism. Reproaches. Disapproval. Suppression by your authority. Inattention.
For example, at first I thought it would be better if the child did homework alone and alone. I wanted him to learn to pay attention and couldn’t understand why school wasn’t something important for him. Then I realized my mistake. I myself did not pay attention to what I wanted to educate in him. By giving him freedom, I showed that I do not attach of great importance lessons at school. Accordingly, he began to pay even less attention to them.
The child needs support; he cannot yet imagine the importance of success in school. He needs to communicate his thoughts most important people in his life. This applies not only to lessons, but to everything in general. If parents do not pay enough attention to the child, then he will look for support elsewhere, and it’s good if these are prosperous peers.
Now, when the child does his homework, I am nearby and help if necessary.
Never use criticism, i.e. destructive criticism towards children. They are very sensitive to any kind of criticism coming from their parents. They may not react visibly, but inside they experience terrible pain.
Every splash negative emotions deals a serious blow to the child’s psyche. Stress can accumulate indefinitely and reveal itself as numerous complexes and phobias in adult life.
Without meaning to, we ourselves can destroy the child’s personality. When we judge him, he feels unworthy and insecure, and he loses self-respect. At the same time, he himself is programmed for a similar model of behavior in the future and learns to judge, learns to feel guilty, instead of learning love, understanding and forming strong character. child in to a greater extent imitator than thinker.
Parents who try to avoid any discomfort under the slogan of "education" are actually instilling in the child the habit of focusing only on himself - a habit that will bring nothing but unhappiness.
If you make fun of your child's shortcomings, thus trying to force him to do what you need, remember yourself as a child... How did you feel when your parents criticized you? - that’s right, you felt unloved and misunderstood, you were offended.
Resentment towards parents will stick in your head and will remain there for the rest of your life. Psychological trauma wounds inflicted in childhood can bleed for decades. Adults with neuroses, mental problems, emotional disturbances and serious failures in personal life and in their careers, were children who received little love but a lot of disapproval.
True parental love requires forgetting your expectations. Children do not have to live up to the bar you set for them. Parents who strive to promote their children's success often fail to recognize that behind this lies an unfulfilled desire for their own success.
When you try to force your child to be someone that he does not want and cannot be, his willpower, his own potential, will weaken. A child does not have to live up to anyone’s expectations; he is unique, he is an individual.
If the requirements are too strict, this leads to the fact that the child begins to think that his value lies only in respecting the wishes of his parents. He feels that as an individual he is worth very little, hence the inferiority complex. When parents treat a child as a burden and keep him in a state of subordination to their will, they plant the seeds of this complex in him for life. The child comes to the conclusion that he himself is nothing and is tormented by worthlessness - a thought that can undermine self-confidence for the rest of his life.
When a child's behavior deviates from parental expectations, you do not have the right to take your love back, even temporarily. Otherwise you with my own hands lay the foundation for future problems in it.
Any negativity emanating from a person in adulthood is a desire to get rid of the feelings of resentment and anger that are generated at the beginning of life. A person's behavior is a reaction to how he was treated as a child. It is not for nothing that psychotherapists devote special attention patient's memories of childhood. Because the basic personality traits are formed from the first years of life.
In the process of personality formation, a child who is often criticized and punished experiences inevitable deviations that lead to neuroses and emotional disorders. This and the inability to install good relationship with other people, these are fears, discomfort from communication, this is uncertainty in own strength and social phobia. Of course, such parents will justify their demandingness, anger and display of emotions by the desire to raise their children to be obedient. But isn’t this our own internal discomfort? And the children will have mental trauma for the rest of their lives.
One of the biggest grievances a person has is that their parents did not say, “I apologize for the pain I once caused you.” Therefore, now I accept full responsibility for all my words and actions, which can give rise to guilt and complexes in my child. I'm not perfect, yes, but I'm not afraid to show it to him if I feel like I'm wrong. I will apologize if I’m wrong, I can get angry and say something out of anger, but I immediately take my words back, saying “forgive me.” And guess what? — the child not only loves and trusts me, but also sees me as his best friend.
Please do not forget that punishment in a state of irritation is a very dangerous thing in itself, and if you do not apologize. Don't forget that children think differently than adults. They do not know how to think in terms of cause and effect. If the child is not explained the danger of his action (for example, he ran across the road), then from the whole scandal he will retain only one thing: I am bad.
But children are always ready to forgive and forget insults. If they see that you have the courage to admit your mistakes, this will set an example for them. The most effective lessons are those that parents give by example.
The child must be sure that nothing can affect your love for him, no matter what he does. If a child understands that he is loved and imperfect, this increases his self-worth, confidence and self-esteem. And he himself will strive to ensure that he no longer upsets you.
And so, the first years of life are the most important in a person’s life. and much of what is called a person’s choice will be determined by the lessons that parents gave by their example. We are the source of our children's behavior. The fate of our children is in our hands.
Our “I” is formed in childhood. We are all products of those who are close to us during our childhood, those who love us or deny us love. For any person, support and love are the greatest gift. Love manifests itself most powerfully in the fact that we free those we love from limiting frameworks, from complexes and inspire them to create a worthy life.
At the very beginning of life, each of us is like an unopened flower. Only after the flower receives warmth and love will it open and all its beauty will become visible. Likewise, a child needs parental care, attention and approval in order to open up. If he does not receive enough love and approval, then his bud will never bloom.
There is a pain that sits deep in a person's chest, and it is unlike any other pain. People go to bed with this pain and get up with it. Sometimes the pain is so severe that mental illness occurs and the person needs professional help. If a child lacks understanding, then by the time he grows up and becomes an adult, his heart will be filled with grievances and he will be absorbed only in his own misfortunes, he will not be able to move away from himself to love anyone else.
I don’t communicate with my father and haven’t seen him for years, but I know that I would make peace with him instantly if he had the courage and apologized for all his mistakes: for never saying the most important words, for placed a burden of guilt and insecurities on me, doing things and saying words that convinced me that I was worthless. For the fact that in adulthood it was difficult for me to restore my self-esteem, for the fact that for a long time I did not know how to love. Because I made many fatal mistakes that led to nervous breakdowns, and all because I lacked the knowledge of how to act correctly in a given situation, because I had no one to turn to for advice...
And so, we were all children, but not everyone remembers this part of their life with pleasure.
Personally, I thought and was sure that everything would be different for me, that I would always understand my child and be his best friend. But one day I realized that I was stepping on the same rake and making the same mistakes that my parents made! Without wanting this, I subconsciously copy the behavior model of my parents. This is where the saying “we are slaves to our habits” is true.
Yes, I provide better for my child, I don’t drink alcohol, I don’t smoke, I’m not subject to any harmful passions, but I commit the same painful actions! I'm robbing him of his self-respect and self-confidence. What does this mean? Criticism. Reproaches. Disapproval. Suppression by your authority. Inattention.
For example, at first I thought that it would be better if the child did his homework independently and alone. I wanted him to learn to pay attention and couldn’t understand why school wasn’t something important for him. Then I realized my mistake. I myself did not pay attention to what I wanted to educate in him. By giving him freedom, I showed that I did not attach much importance to lessons at school. Accordingly, he began to pay even less attention to them.
The child needs support; he cannot yet imagine the importance of success in school. He needs to communicate his thoughts to the most important people in his life. This applies not only to lessons, but to everything in general. If parents do not pay enough attention to the child, then he will look for support elsewhere, and it’s good if these are prosperous peers.
Now, when the child does his homework, I am nearby and help if necessary.
Never use criticism, i.e. destructive criticism towards children. They are very sensitive to any kind of criticism coming from their parents. They may not react visibly, but inside they experience terrible pain.
Each outburst of negative emotions deals a serious blow to the child’s psyche. Stress can accumulate indefinitely and reveal itself as numerous complexes and phobias in adult life.
Without meaning to, we ourselves can destroy the child’s personality. When we judge him, he feels unworthy and insecure, and he loses self-respect. At the same time, he himself is programmed for a similar model of behavior in the future and learns to judge, learns to feel guilty, instead of learning love, understanding and developing a strong character. The child is more of an imitator than a thinker.
Parents who try to avoid any discomfort under the slogan of "education" are actually instilling in the child the habit of focusing only on himself - a habit that will bring nothing but unhappiness.
If you make fun of your child's shortcomings, thus trying to force him to do what you need, remember yourself as a child... How did you feel when your parents criticized you? - that’s right, you felt unloved and misunderstood, you were offended.
Resentment towards parents will stick in your head and will remain there for the rest of your life. Psychological trauma inflicted in childhood can bleed for decades. Adults with neuroses, mental problems, emotional disorders and serious failures in their personal lives and careers were children who received little love but a lot of disapproval.
True parental love requires forgetting your expectations. Children do not have to live up to the bar you set for them. Parents who strive to promote their children's success often fail to recognize that behind this lies an unfulfilled desire for their own success.
When you try to force your child to be someone that he does not want and cannot be, his willpower, his own potential, will weaken. A child does not have to live up to anyone’s expectations; he is unique, he is an individual.
If the requirements are too strict, this leads to the fact that the child begins to think that his value lies only in respecting the wishes of his parents. He feels that as an individual he is worth very little, hence the inferiority complex. When parents treat a child as a burden and keep him in a state of subordination to their will, they plant the seeds of this complex in him for life. The child comes to the conclusion that he himself is nothing and is tormented by worthlessness - a thought that can undermine self-confidence for the rest of his life.
When a child's behavior deviates from parental expectations, you do not have the right to take your love back, even temporarily. Otherwise, you will lay the foundation for future problems with your own hands.
Any negativity emanating from a person in adulthood is a desire to get rid of the feelings of resentment and anger that are generated at the beginning of life. A person's behavior is a reaction to how he was treated as a child. It is not for nothing that psychotherapists pay special attention to the patient’s memories of childhood. Because the basic personality traits are formed from the first years of life.
In the process of personality formation, a child who is often criticized and punished experiences inevitable deviations that lead to neuroses and emotional disorders. This includes the inability to establish good relationships with other people, fears, discomfort from communication, lack of self-confidence and social phobia. Of course, such parents will justify their demandingness, anger and display of emotions by the desire to raise their children to be obedient. But isn’t this our own internal discomfort? And the children will have mental trauma for the rest of their lives.
One of the biggest grievances a person has is that their parents did not say, “I apologize for the pain I once caused you.” Therefore, now I accept full responsibility for all my words and actions, which can give rise to guilt and complexes in my child. I'm not perfect, yes, but I'm not afraid to show it to him if I feel like I'm wrong. I will apologize if I’m wrong, I can get angry and say something out of anger, but I immediately take my words back, saying “forgive me.” And guess what? — the child not only loves and trusts me, but also sees me as his best friend.
Please do not forget that punishment in a state of irritation is a very dangerous thing in itself, and if you do not apologize. Don't forget that children think differently than adults. They do not know how to think in terms of cause and effect. If the child is not explained the danger of his action (for example, he ran across the road), then from the whole scandal he will retain only one thing: I am bad.
But children are always ready to forgive and forget insults. If they see that you have the courage to admit your mistakes, this will set an example for them. The most effective lessons are those that parents give by example.
The child must be sure that nothing can affect your love for him, no matter what he does. If a child understands that he is loved and imperfect, this increases his own self-worth, confidence and self-esteem. And he himself will strive to ensure that he no longer upsets you.
And so, the first years of life are the most important in a person’s life. and much of what is called a person’s choice will be determined by the lessons that parents gave by their example. We are the source of our children's behavior. The fate of our children is in our hands.
It often happens that people, already as adults, suffer from certain psychological problems. Some of them turn to psychoanalysts, spending a lot of money to be cured of their complexes, often not suspecting that the whole point is in their childhood experiences. Therefore, today we will tell you about 10 psychological problems in adults, arising as a result of improper upbringing in childhood. So, let's go!
Problem #1 – increased level anxiety coupled with depression and lack of independence
In psychology, there is such a thing as “helicopter parents.” It appeared to describe the type of parents who, like rotorcraft, flutter over their child, trying not to miss even the most insignificant detail in his life. Of course, they want only the best for their child, but as a result the child himself may receive more than one mental disorder along with the inability to accept independent decisions in the future. This problem can manifest itself in people when they constantly ask their parents for advice on a wide variety of issues.
Problem #2 – destructive addictions or extreme sports
This problem may appear in a child whose parents constantly reproach him. You can hear from them how hard it was for them after the birth of the child, how much trouble it brings them. The child, hearing this, begins a program of self-destruction. As a rule, it all begins with unconscious injuries, and can end with the acquisition of a full spectrum bad habits or a passion for extreme sports.
Problem #3 – problems with relaxation
Simply put, it is very difficult for a person to fully relax and unwind. It turns out that this problem can also “grow out” of childhood. The fact is that some parents, trying to discipline their children at least a little, may use phrases like “Stop fooling around”, “You are finally smarter!”, “Behave like a big boy (big girl).” Regular use of such formulas can lead to the child growing too tall in the future. serious person, for which rest and relaxation will be akin to another test. He can also acquire additional “bonuses” in the form of rejection of children and hatred of infantile people.
We too often do what is expected of us. We give, we give in, we remain silent - even if we understand that this is wrong... Let's try to change the situation.
The phrase “we all come from childhood” is not a poetic fiction, but the harsh prose of life. Here is a nasty strange boy trying to take away your scoop, kicking and rowing. I want to punch the invader in the head, but my mother shakes her finger: “It’s not good to be greedy!” What to do - you have to obey, although deep down you are convinced that this is unfair. And twenty years later, an acquaintance who has squandered his salary at a casino will come up to you asking for a loan. And you, angry at your own good manners and dependability, will take off your last shirt - because, as before, you “hurry to do good.”
GREEDY BEEF
A friend calls: “Listen, what should I do? I bought my daughter a carnival dress - so “princess”, long, sparkling. She can’t look at it enough, she’s counting the days until the holiday. And then a neighbor came in, saw a new thing and said: “My matinee is on.” the day before - let me vilify!" Of course, I don’t want to give. If you don’t give, he will decide that we are greedy and will be offended... For the second day I can’t think about anything else!”
Probably, you too have had to choose more than once: having obeyed, refuse - or give, but also without any joy.
Why is the “ask and give” attitude so firmly ingrained in us?
Perhaps because parents really don’t want their sweet baby to grow up greedy. After all, then you’ll hardly get the phrase from those around you: “Oh, what a kind and well-mannered child! We would like something like this!” For the sake of cherished words, many can be sacrificed.
Nobody argues that people should be treated humanely. And the laws of community life require the ability to find compromises. But in practice, this often comes down to the fact that only other people’s desires are taken seriously, and no one, including you, takes yours into account. A person has to literally squeeze out the “mother’s voice” drop by drop, learn to understand himself and say “no” in response to unpleasant requests.
HOW TO DO?
Outline the circle of things that you know for sure: “This is mine and only mine. No matter who demands, I will not give it for anything! And you will not get any false feelings of guilt.” At the same time, determine what you can part with relatively painlessly if necessary. At the same time, of course, we must remember that other people also have the right to say “no”.
YABEDA-KORYABEDA
Lera, marketer: " A colleague dumped all the work on me for a project that we were supposed to do together. Conversations with him lead to nothing... Going to the authorities is somehow inconvenient, they will say that I’m slandering..."
From infancy we are convinced: it’s a shame to tell lies! But at the same time they often forget to explain: denunciation and fair criticism not the same thing at all.
Typical picture. Kindergarten on a walk. Suddenly one of the girls runs up to the teacher:
- And Masha and Seryozha found some mushrooms, cooked them and now they will eat them!
The teacher rushes like a kite towards the young cooks, the toadstools fly over the fence, everyone is saved. But at the same time she blames the girl:
- Snitching is not good!
I wonder how this girl, as an adult, will solve daily dilemmas like: should she tell her friend that her husband skipped his secretary to a cafe? Should I complain to the housing office that the load-bearing walls in the neighboring apartment are being demolished? Son's classmate spotted in bad company Should I tell his parents about this or let them figure it out themselves? The choice is easy only for convinced fighters for the truth or hardened scoundrels. The rest are painfully thinking...
HOW TO DO?
Determine for yourself situations when you cannot remain silent - they, as a rule, concern the life and health of people. Then draw the next circle - situational. If you think it’s necessary, tell me, if not, keep silent, and no one will have the right to reproach you. And the third circle, about which you will say to yourself: “This does not concern me!”
UNBEARABLE STUBBORN
Elena, dancer: “I practically don’t communicate with my parents. They are not satisfied with the life I lead – the wrong job, the wrong husband, the wrong friends. It’s like a continuation of a children’s story: “Don’t you dare go out without a scarf and be home by 9!” "It's stupid, ridiculous, but I still remember this scarf..."
Elena survived the fight with the “scarf” and retained, and perhaps deliberately emphasizes, her independence and freedom from other people’s opinions. But sometimes parents still manage to tighten this “scarf” around a person’s neck.
Chance brought me into contact with an excellent teacher. He told the children the right things and was fair and objective. One “but”: as soon as he found himself face to face with the school director, he lost all ability to reason independently and kept repeating like a habit: “Yes, I agree, you are absolutely right...” Colleagues laughed at him, the children began to despise him - he had to quit. But where is the guarantee that the old story will not repeat itself in the new place?
Those whose parents diligently made their dreams of “the most obedient child” come true are usually unable to defend their point of view.
They grow into obedient workers... But what about creativity, creativity, new ideas and self-realization? Unfortunately, there will most likely be problems with this.
HOW TO DO?
If you are not able to insist on your own, to force someone to listen to you, then open confrontation is not your strong point. But also the way least resistance far from the easiest: compromisers are usually not liked, they are considered sycophants. Try not to speak, but to write. Submit all your comments, considerations, suggestions to in writing or send by email. You will be able to hone your wording, give it the correct look, and polish your style. And no one will see your sweat-covered forehead and reddening cheeks.
ADVICE FROM VRUNGEL
“Whatever you name the yacht, that’s how it will sail!” - Captain Vrungel sang. Indeed, call a person greedy, a snitch and stubborn, and you are unlikely to want to communicate with him. But try to look at things differently. Not greedy husband, but a zealous owner. Not a wife as stubborn as a donkey, but a respected person who has her own point of view. Not a sneaky mother-in-law, but just a lover of conversation who trusts you with all her secrets. Even strangers. But you are devoid of human weaknesses, and this will not go further than you, will it?
