It’s a strange thing - we can laugh when cats are scratching at our souls, we can struggle to hold back a smile if we are sincerely happy about something, and we will never show others that we are afraid, because we consider this a sign of weakness. We skillfully hide our feelings, and then we worry that we are not us at all. “Cleo” decided to figure out why this was happening and how to finally take off the mask of “impenetrability.”
As a child, it was much easier to show your emotions. More precisely, we didn’t even think about how we look when we cry or laugh. If we hit our knee, we’ll roar, we’ll receive a long-awaited doll as a gift, and we’ll smile from ear to ear. It would never even occur to a child that it is possible to hide his feelings from others. Through the mouth of a child the truth speaks, and speech is in this case It’s not just about the verbal way of transmitting information, but also about the emotional one. Children are sincere - they are not afraid (and do not even think about fear!) to show what is in them. at the moment happens in their souls.
When we become adults, we put on masks of indifference and seem to stop being ourselves. Along with childhood, emotional sincerity leaves us, and in its place come doors and locks, which we ourselves lock.
1. JOY
Do you think it’s easy to laugh when it’s really funny, and to sincerely rejoice at a person you haven’t seen for a long time? If so, then you are very lucky. But most of us consider it bad form to laugh out loud and throw ourselves on the neck of a loved one when we meet. They firmly believe that educated people behave with restraint. And those around them think that they are “fake” and they should work on themselves.
Why is this happening? Unfortunately, education is to blame. My parents wanted the best, but it turned out so-so. All these reprimands in the spirit of “don’t laugh so loudly”, “be more modest” backfired on us - fearing to disappoint mom and dad, we carried out their orders 200 percent, becoming quiet and modest.
What to do about it? What's wrong with genuine joy? That's right, nothing. So why not allow yourself to smile when you want and sincerely say to a loved one: "I'm so glad to see you." Positive emotions you have to share, only then there will be more of them.
We would prefer to fight the attack of nausea, but we would never say a simple phrase: "I'm very afraid of flying."
2. FEAR
It is stupid to think that there are people in the world who are not afraid of anything. Even if the list of their fears does not include spiders, darkness and heights, at least flying or going to the dentist makes them nervous on the eve of the “execution”. The strange thing is that admitting our fears is tantamount to admitting our own weakness. We would prefer to fight the attack of nausea, but we would never say the simple phrase: “I am very afraid of flying.”
Why is this happening? Strictly speaking, the answer lies on the surface: to say that you are afraid of something means to admit that you are vulnerable. Modern man, who is in an eternal pursuit of success, cannot afford such luxury. Vulnerability is the lot of the “average”.
What to do about it? If you close your eyes to a problem, it will not be solved. It's the same with fears. They must not be hidden, they must be fought. Even Superman, whom most "invulnerables" subconsciously look up to, admitted that he was afraid of kryptonite.
3. ANGER
How many times have you said that everything is fine, even if you wanted to tear and throw? Hundreds. A friend told your secret to her friend - it’s okay, don’t get hysterical because of it, it’s not that big of a deal terrible secret. Has your boss created a quarrel for you without figuring out who is right and who is wrong? Well, you will listen to him obediently, swallow the insult, but your family will get the full benefit. Indignation, like a spoon, is expensive for dinner, but you prefer to pretend that everything is fine.
Why is this happening? Because “decent” people don’t create scandals. Only “indecent” ones defend their position in a raised voice, and we are so afraid that those around us will consider us quarrelsome and unbalanced boors. Therefore, it is better to turn one cheek after the other than to be branded as a hysterical woman.
What to do about it? Break stereotypes and realize that no one will stand up for you but you. Of course, you shouldn’t shout at the first person you meet because he somehow looked at you wrong, but you can explain to your friend that you don’t need to give away other people’s secrets.
"They fall in love with unavailable people!" - you explain your behavior, and then you wonder why he passes by every time.
4. SYMPATHY
You like a man, but you pretend that you don’t see him point blank. "They fall in love with unavailable people!" - you explain your behavior, and then you wonder why he passes by every time. The same, by the way, applies to friendly and family relations: for some reason, we are sometimes afraid to show even close people that we need them
Why is this happening? It's all about the fear of being rejected. Perhaps your family was not the happiest when you were a little girl, perhaps someone betrayed you personally. Negative experience constantly repeats: “Don’t reveal your soul if you don’t want it to hurt.”
What to do about it? It’s realistic to look at the world and understand that betrayal and betrayal will not go away, but loyalty and love will always coexist next to them. So why not believe in the best?
5. RESULT
If you constantly hush up a grudge, be prepared that one day you will explode, and then it will be bad for both you and those around you. Moreover, here’s the paradox - those around you won’t even understand what all the fuss is about. They had forgotten everything long ago and could not imagine that you were mentally “savoring” the affairs of days gone by.
Why is this happening? Because as children it was very popularly explained to us that only kids in the sandbox get offended, and adults smart people they don't behave like that. So we've got it all figured out - it's not serious to be offended.
What to do about it? Break yourself and voice your feelings to the person who offended you. Unexpressed grievances destroy your psyche, and some of them, by the way, turn out to be far-fetched. It’s better to strike while the iron is hot than to suffer later because of something unsaid in time: “I feel bad, you offended me.”
We often suffer greatly from the fact that we cannot fully express our feelings and emotions. Sometimes we realize that we have hurt someone with our callousness when it is too late, when the moment is irretrievably lost. In general, many problems would be solved much faster and easier if people knew how to correctly and delicately talk about what is in their hearts right now. It’s probably worth at least once trying to proudly respond “thank you” to your superiors’ praise in order to feel a little happier. It will be easier later. Dashing trouble is the beginning.
With others, as with yourself
Often secretive people are the ideal keepers of secrets. The fact is that they treat others the same way as they treat themselves. Therefore, if they do not say anything about their personal life, some secrets and so on, then, naturally, they won’t talk about yours either. Secretive people are silent, so they simply don't need to constantly share information. On the contrary, they try to involve others in their lives as little as possible and try to learn something about someone. But if you come up and tell something to a secretive person, it is unlikely that he will shut your mouth. Such individuals are good listeners. Just don’t expect advice or tips from such a person. If they talk, it’s very little, to the point. Often such women and men simply remain silent. Therefore, if you are thinking about whether you should trust a secretive person with your secret, you may not be afraid that it will be made public, but also not expect any help, and so on, if the person is not completely confident in his abilities and ability to help.
Appearances are deceiving
Secretive people often appear angry and sullen. In fact, this is not always the case. Such a person is simply immersed in his own thoughts; for him it is not too important to make contact with society. Although many secretive people have friends and hang out in companies. They just don't say anything unnecessary. Merry fellows and talkers, distinguished by secrecy, are rather an exception to the rule. Sociable people They just don’t know how to keep quiet much. But quiet and thoughtful people always seem very secretive. However, you should not assume that secretive people are angry with the whole world and are ready to literally attack you with or without reason. Their external darkness is never the main characteristic of the soul. Secretive people can be kind, honest, compassionate and understanding. You just need to find an approach to them and become a close enough person. With loved ones, such guys and girls always show themselves differently. They can laugh, and communicate, and so on. But if such a person suddenly becomes sad or begins to frown, there is no need to try to stir him up or ask him what’s wrong. Such behavior will only cause him negative reaction. It is better to leave secretive people alone so that they can figure out their problems themselves.
Secretive and proud
Secretive people are very often unbearably proud. They are so proud that they simply do not like and do not want to ask for help, even when they really need it. Secretive people hide their problems because they believe that they have no right to impose their troubles on someone. Moreover, they simply find it unpleasant when someone knows about their experiences and tries to help. A proud person always wants to decide everything himself. His hyper-independence sometimes does not lead to the best consequences, but such a person is unlikely to change his tactics of behavior. Secretive people very often do not tell others about something, not because they do not trust. They just don't want to impose their problems. Such a person may even lie, just so that you don’t worry. Although, if we further talk about proud, sincere people, it is worth noting that in terms of trust in these people it is difficult to find fault with anything. They are the least likely to lie, because they speak little and they do not have to get out of situations where they can accidentally say too much and then try to retract their words. Therefore, if secretive person When asked where he was on Sunday evening and why he didn’t pick up the phone for five hours in a row, he says that he was dealing with work matters, but doesn’t want to tell what they are, rest assured, that’s the way it is. If a secretive person named the place where he was, then it is true. The fact is that he either says nothing or tells part of the truth. Therefore, you should not suspect such people of lying and expect a trick on their part. The secrecy of this type of individual never affects those nearby. These people do not deceive their loved ones and do not even try to do so. They do not say anything at all for the sole reason that they simply do not consider this information important or necessary for anyone. Therefore, if your loved one is secretive, there is no need to try to find lies in his words, follow him, and so on. Trust what he says. And if he doesn’t say anything, simply explain that you, for example, need to at least know where he is. Let him not say what he is doing and with whom, but at least tell him his location. Secretive people are actually quite understanding. Therefore, if you explain everything without cavils and accusations, such a person will definitely understand you and will try to make sure that you do not worry and his personal space does not suffer.
Clinical cases
Of course, secrecy is not always a manifestation of certain character traits. It also happens that secretive people are simply not quite adequate psychologically or even mentally. In this case, there can be no talk of any trust at all, since such a person, not only you, does not trust himself. If you notice that a person is hiding everything that is possible and impossible, because he is simply afraid of some unknown and incomprehensible enemies, then he may develop paranoia. It is better not to trust such a person with any special information, because he can interpret it incorrectly, or even turn it against you. In such a situation, it is best to contact a specialist, since such manifestations of secrecy can lead to completely inappropriate actions, hostility to loved ones and so on. Paranoia differs from ordinary secrecy in that a person becomes nervous and twitchy. He cannot sit still quietly, it seems to him that someone is watching him. In such a state, a person may begin to hide his things, calling them very valuable, although in fact they are ordinary trinkets, and not answer phone calls, accusing completely harmless people of being spies, and so on. This behavior is difficult to confuse with ordinary secrecy, because if a secretive person simply remains silent and does not want to go into the details of his personal life, the paranoid person begins to be hostile to everyone, hide everything and hide himself. In such situations, you cannot trust a person simply because he has a mental disorder and needs help. good specialist, which is recommended to be contacted immediately.
Where does secrecy come from? Why don't all people like to express their feelings?
February 22, 2016 - 2 comments
We all have to communicate with each other, express our attitudes, feelings, emotions, views on various things. Topics for discussion can be anything: personal relationships, politics, hobbies, religion, sports teams and much more. However, it is easy to see that not all people share their views with the same zeal.
Some people like to tell stories vividly and emotionally, gesticulate, play with intonation, exaggerate or downplay events. Others like to joke, joke, tell tall tales, no matter what, as long as people are willing to listen to them.
There are also those who like to turn communication into discussions on the principle of “right or wrong” and thus defend their point of view.
Time is money
But there are also people, and we will talk about them further, who are not so willing to communicate and share their opinions. For them, “just chatting” means wasting time. And in general, you can often hear phrases from them such as “I don’t have time for this,” “don’t waste my time,” “time is money,” etc.
System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan calls such people owners of the skin vector. They have logical thinking, special flexibility of body and mind, feel time and movement better than anyone else, strive for leadership and social superiority over others, develop through self-restraint, being developed they can be the best organizers.
The main priorities in life for a person with the skin vector are his personal benefits and benefits in any situation. Ironically, we can say that the leather worker will not move unless he is paid for it. From here it is not difficult to understand why such people are quite secretive, stingy with their feelings and emotions. The skinner does not get any benefit or benefit from spending his time figuring out with someone, for example, which religion is better or which football team is cooler. Therefore, he tries to avoid communication of this kind, which is called irrelevant.
“What can you offer me?”
However, if a leather worker has the opportunity to receive benefits (money, business acquaintances) from another person, then here he is ready to talk as much as he wants and about anything. As they say, the customer is always right. Especially when he pays money. When a leather worker settles in new job, he will certainly inform all his relatives, friends, and acquaintances about this. In the hope that he can help them professionally. For money, of course.
You may have noticed while reading this article this property yourself or your loved ones. You probably have new questions. Training on system-vector psychology Yuri Burlana helps define our internal properties and features and give direction on how to develop them further in order to get the most out of life. Free online lectures on SVP, which seem to be specially created for you, help you approach your life systematically and consciously. Register using the link>>
You never really know anything about them. Well, in best case scenario V general outline– where a person lives, what kind of work he does... You learn about marital status, changes in status, going abroad by chance. If you find out at all. Such people can communicate with you for a long time, but at the same time tell almost nothing about themselves. What makes them do this?
I have an acquaintance with whom we have been in contact for ten years. True, mostly remotely. During this time, we discussed many topics, from politics to literature, but information about the life of Victor himself had to be pulled out literally with pincers. Only recently did I find out that he lost his parents early, and his personal life is a taboo... I still don’t know for sure whether he was married or who he lives with now... As soon as you ask an “inconvenient” question, Victor ends the conversation or translates him on another topic, or even irritably reports that he “doesn’t want to talk about it.” At the same time, he knows everything about me - who I live with, who I meet...
I was once told a story about a woman who hid from her friends that... They found out about this “after the fact” and were very offended by her...
However, about the upcoming changes in marital status Not everyone is inclined to spread. I had a friend from school, quite close. In any case, we communicated more or less regularly. One day, a few years after graduating from school, I called her and found out that she had gotten married. Moreover, before that there were no hints that she was dating someone... Some time passed and she told me that she had given birth to a child. But we met during her pregnancy, and she didn’t say a word! I also learned about her divorce from strangers...
Another friend first let everyone in on the vicissitudes of her relationships with men. As a result, she was already preparing for the wedding, when suddenly everything ended abruptly. It turned out that three weeks before the wedding there was a disagreement, Masha invited the groom to live separately, he went to his parents and... did not return.
A few years later, Masha went abroad for permanent residence. Once on Skype she mentioned that a friend should come to her. I didn’t even know that she met someone there. Then Maria reported on LiveJournal that they had moved in together. And another four months later - that they got married... Masha told about the fact that she was expecting a child only three months before his birth. Please note: we were actively communicating with her on Skype all this time!
And yet - what is the reason for secrecy?
Most often, people hide the circumstances of their lives because they do not want them to be discussed. Not everyone likes having their bones washed, even from a distance. In addition, a person who has information about you often has the opportunity to harm you and interfere with the execution of your plans.
Many are also afraid to talk about their plans for the future, “so as not to be jinxed.” For example, as a rule, they are not told until half term. They don’t always share information about the upcoming marriage, since the wedding can easily be upset, as happened to my friend. Not everyone talks about changes in their personal lives, or about starting to date someone.
It is not recommended to talk about plans related to work or business. They are afraid that they will envy them or wish them harm, and thus “spoil them.” There are also those who consider the saying “A riddle is never rich” to be true.
I judge from myself: every time I imagined in every detail a new job, project or relationship with some man, I was in for a bummer... Parapsychologists believe that by “living” the desired situation, we seem to “realize” it on a subtle level, and this option “closes.” Therefore, it is useful, in a sense, to live for today - in any case, not to be too emotional about your plans, not to “make plans” for the future, but to adapt to the present situation.
However, there is another reason why people. They don't trust you because they don't know how you will use the information you receive. The same person can be quite frank with some people, but remain closed with others, even if they seem to be connected by friendship... But more often than not, such an individual does not open up with anyone. Usually this is the behavior of those who have already been burned once, told someone all the “ins and outs” and got a bad result.
Should you be offended by secretive people? It depends on what situations. If this is a friend who is afraid that you will “ruin” her personal happiness, that’s one thing. But if you are dating a man and don’t even know his last name (as was the case with one of my friends), and he is silent, like a partisan, about his past and marital status, then this is already a reason to be wary. It is possible that he has something to hide. So don't hesitate to ask questions. Avoids answering? Better look for another option!
