Why do we communicate? - asked the abbot.
“To exchange information,” Lunacharsky answered, seemingly completely engrossed in the chopsticks.
- But why do we strive to exchange information?
- We consume it. Information is essential for our survival. Without information we will die.
“And I think,” the abbot continued, “that love or sympathy motivates us to communicate.”
Carl Sagan "Contact"
You should not start a conversation from afar when communicating with narrow-minded people. Boris Krieger
It is easier to impose your opinion on someone who is not interested in it. Boris Krieger
The ability to listen is lost as soon as the ability to speak is acquired. Kashcheev Evgeniy
If you consistently develop a worthy thought, it will eventually reach your consciousness. worthy people. Jim Rohn
Talking is sharing, it is an art that requires cooperation.
Ursula Le Guin "Dispossessed"
When you put off confessing for too long, it becomes harder and harder to do, and finally there comes a point when it simply becomes impossible.
Margaret Mitchell "Gone with the Wind"
Think about what to talk to me about if you want me to make a good impression on you... Mikhail Zhvanetsky
Few human beings can resist the flattery of admiring attention.
Jack Wolford
Don't hang out in unassuming companies. You won't grow up. To improve your level, go where the spirit of exclusivity and self-demanding reigns.
Jim Rohn
You never get a second chance to make a first impression. Sergey Lukyanenko "Cold Shores"
The quality of conversation can be significantly improved by consistently using three simple words: I don't know. Andre Maurois
The world is made up half of people who have something to say but never get the chance to speak out, and half of those who have nothing to say but are always talking.
Robert Frost
There is no greater joy in life than joy human communication. A. De Saint-Exupéry
I can never convince another except through his own thoughts.
Immanuel Kant
A person has a tendency to communicate with his own kind, because in such a state he feels more like a person, i.e. feels the development of his natural inclinations. I. Kant
Only the dumb are envious of the long-winded man. Gibran Kahlil Gibran
There must be two of us to discover the truth: one to express it, the other to comprehend it. Gibran Kahlil Gibran
There are fifty ways to say yes and five hundred ways to say no and only one way to write it. Bernard Shaw
But remember that the ability to hide something is sometimes more valuable than the ability to speak. O. Felier
The hardest thing is to have a heart-to-heart talk with yourself. V. Khochinsky
You may have great ideas in your head, but if you don't know how to convey them to your audience, you won't achieve anything. Lee Iacocca
In speech, it is not the word itself that is understandable, but the tone, sound strength, voice modulation and rate of speech with which a number of words are spoken. In short, the music behind the words, the passion behind this music, the personality behind this passion, that is, everything that cannot be written. Nietzsche
The efforts you make to make up for the tactlessness you have committed towards your interlocutor are much more painful for him than your tactlessness itself.
Andre Maurois
He who speaks sows, he who listens reaps the harvest. P. Buast
Be careful in conversation: with rivals - out of fear, with others - out of decency.
It's easy to release a word, but difficult to catch. In a conversation, as in a will, - less words, less litigation. While talking about trifles, test the waters for more important matters. There is something divine in secrecy. Anyone who opens up easily in a conversation is easy to convince - and win.
Not every truth can be told: keep silent about one for your own sake, about another for the sake of another.
Baltasar Gracian "Pocket Oracle"
Politeness does not prevent you from expressing everything you think, but only to yourself. Mikhail Mamchich
The talent of an interlocutor is distinguished not by the one who willingly speaks himself, but by the one with whom others willingly speak. Jean La Bruyère
The hardest thing to learn is a common language. Alexander Kumor
I respect all kinds of deviations from common sense: the more ridiculous the mistakes a person makes in your presence, the more likely that he will not betray you, will not outwit you. Charles Lamb, 1775-1834
If you do not want to make enemies for yourself, then try not to show your superiority over people. Arthur Schopenhauer, 1788-1860
To know a person, you need to love him. Ludwig Feuerbach, 1804-1872
I don't believe in the collective wisdom of ignorant individuals. Thomas Carlyle, 1795-1881
The golden rule of marriage is patience and forbearance. Samuel Smiles, 1812-1904
I defeat my enemies by turning them into friends. Abraham Lincoln, 1809-1865
Avoid those who seek to undermine your faith in achieving something significant in life. This trait is characteristic of small souls. Mark Twain, present name Samuel Clemens, 1835-1890
The strong have the right to be optimistic. Heinrich Mann, 1871-1950
Those who put blinders on their eyes should remember that the kit also includes a bridle and a whip.
Stanislaw Jerzy Lec, 1909-1966
A generous person must have a few faults so as not to upset his friends. Benjamin Franklin, 1706-1790
Where there is a lot of love, there are many mistakes. Where there is no love, everything is a mistake. Thomas Fuller, 1654-1734
If you want to get rid of a friend, lend him money. Thomas Fuller, 1654-1734
Good upbringing most reliably protects against those who are poorly brought up.
Good manners consist of small sacrifices. Philip Chesterfield, 1694-1773
A charming woman is one in whose presence you begin to like yourself more. Henri Amiel, 1821-1881
Never attribute to human evil something that can be explained simply by stupidity. John Churton Collins, 1848-1908
There are no people more stingy with praise than those who do not deserve it. Pierre Boist, 1765-1824
If a woman wants to refuse, she says no. If a woman starts explaining, she wants to be convinced. Alfred de Musset, 1810-1857
Death is close enough that there is no need to fear life.
Friedrich Nietzsche, 1844-1900
Praise - best diet for us. Sidney Smith, 1771-1845
Timidity is the greatest sin against love. Anatole France, 1844-1924
You won't learn to skate if you're afraid to be funny. The ice of life is slippery.
Freedom means responsibility. This is why most people are afraid of freedom.
George Bernard Shaw, 1856-1950
Never judge a person by his friends. Judas's were perfect. Paul Valéry, 1871-1945
Friendship is the art of distance, while love is the art of intimacy. Sigmund Graf, 1898-1979
He likes about me only those things in which he is superior to me.
Grigory Landau, 1877-1941, philosopher, critic, publicist
Coquetry is the art of taking the first step so that a man thinks that he made it. Georges Armand Masson, b. in 1960
Err is human. Only those who admire us are not mistaken.
Oliver Hassenkamp, 1921-1987
Most sure sign failure to fulfill a promise is the ease with which it is given.
Axel Oxenstierna, 1583-1654
A person who does not trust himself does not truly trust anyone. Jean Francois Retz, 1613-1679
It always hurts me greatly that I underestimate those I don't respect too much.
Charles Montesquieu, 1689-1755
Often, when communicating with people, it is necessary, out of goodwill, to pretend that the motives of their actions are unclear to us. Philip Dormer Stanhope Chesterfield
The only true luxury is the luxury of humanity
communication.
A. SAINT-EXUPERY
The ability to carry on a conversation is a talent.
STENDAHAL
Conversation is a building that is built together
effort.
A. MAURUA
An hour of conversation is better than fifty letters.
M. SEVIGNE
Many people know how to argue, few people know how to just talk.
A. OLCOTT
People stubbornly disagree with the most sensible
judgments not due to lack of insight, but because
excess of pride: they see that the first rows are in the right
things have been sorted out, but they don’t want to occupy the latter.
F. LAROCHEFOUCAULT
How can a person be recognized by a society in which
it rotates, so it can be judged by the tongue,
by which it is expressed.
D. SWIFT
Talk to people according to their intelligence.
SAADI
When speaking to a wise man, use few words.
KATO THE ELDER
Trying to exhaust all the details is exhausting.
and insulting to someone capable of sensitive feelings
person.
R. LUXEMBOURG
Usually a form of selfishness that is rightly condemned is
man's endless development of the topic of conversation.
G. SPENCER
If it takes great skill to speak at the right time,
then no small art lies in
keep silent in time.
F. LAROCHEFOUCAULT
Talking a lot and saying a lot are not the same thing.
SOPHOCLES
Serious things should be talked about simply: pomposity
inappropriate here; speaking about insignificant things, it is necessary
remember that only nobility of tone, manner and expression
can give them meaning.
J. LABRRUYERE
What is poorly understood is often attempted to be explained.
using words that are not understood at all.
G. FLAUBERT
Mutual conversation should be conducted in such a way that each
interlocutors benefited from it, acquiring more
knowledge.
HERACLITUS
The most pleasant words for us are those that give us
some knowledge.
ARISTOTLE
Anyone who likes to speak out too much is not useful to anyone.
pleasant; he constantly talks about himself, as if pretending
the hero of his own novel.
F. CHESTERFIELD
He who thinks a lot speaks little, trying to squeeze in
Maybe more thoughts in a few words.
W. IRVING
It is difficult for a person who talks about himself for a long time to avoid
vanity.
D. YUM
They say little that is substantive when they are trying to say
unusual.
L. VOVENARG
One should not take over the conversation as a fiefdom, from
which you have the right to survive another; on the contrary, it should
try to let everyone have their turn in the conversation,
as in everything else.
CICERO
If you talk alone all the time, you will always be
right
O. BALZAC
No interlocutor would listen to you if
did not know that then it would be his turn to speak.
E. HOWE
Don't let your tongue run ahead of your mind.
HILON
The sooner and more quickly the impression is expressed,
the more often it turns out to be superficial and fleeting.
N. A. DOBROLUBOV
There is nothing stupider than the desire to always be smarter than everyone else.
F. LAROCHEFOUCAULT
When you want to show your interlocutor in a conversation
some truth, then the most important thing is -
do not get irritated and do not say a single unkind or
offensive word.
EPICTETUS
Proving your opinion and refuting others if they
are wrong, be restrained in both words and expressions.
F. CHESTERFIELD
For some people, speaking means offending: they are prickly
and caustic, their speech is a mixture of bile with wormwood tincture;
ridicule, mockery, insults flow from them
mouth like saliva.
J. LABRRUYERE
The word is the deed.
L. N. TOLSTOY
We don't sufficiently imagine all the evil that we are
capable of causing harm to themselves and others with one single
in a word; this evil is almost always irreparable.
F. LAMENNE
Know that your unreasonable, cold, indifferent
a word can offend, hurt, upset, cause confusion,
shock, stun.
V. A. SUKHOMLINSKY
There is only one way to become a good communicator
- be able to listen.
K. MORLEY
A lot of people can say good things, but
very few people know how to listen, as it requires mental strength.
R. TAGORE
Listening is a courtesy that an intelligent person
often exerts its influence on a fool, but on which this latter
never responds in kind.
A. DECURSEL
Learn to listen and you can benefit even
one of those who speak poorly.
PLUTARCH
Be the first when you need to listen and the last when
need to talk.
E. KAPIEV
Restraint and appropriateness in conversations are worth more
eloquence.
F. BACON
Silence and modesty are very useful qualities
for conversation.
M. MONTAGNE
Whatever word you say is what you will hear in response.
HOMER
If you want to get a smart answer, ask smartly.
I. GOETHE
If you want to be smart, learn to ask intelligently,
listen carefully, respond calmly and stop
speak when there is nothing else to say.
I. LAFATER
Silence is the most reliable answer to any contradictions,
dictated by insolence, vulgarity or
envy.
I. ZIMMERMAN
There is no answer more humiliating than contemptuous silence.
M. MONTAGNE
People learn how to speak as well main science- like
when to be silent.
L. N. TOLSTOY
The silence of a man known for his ability to speak inspires
much more respectful than the chatter of a man who
says well.
N. CHAMFORT
We are most willing to talk about what we don’t know. For
This is what we are thinking about. This is where the work of thought is directed,
and it can only be directed one way.
P. VALERIE
The so-called ideological conversation consists of how
it is known in to a large extent, in quoting the titles of various
books.
G. SENKEVICH
After a long conversation, try to remember everything
what was said, and you will be surprised how empty and not
everything that was said was necessary and often was bad.
L. N. TOLSTOY
Imagine how quiet it would be if
people only said what they knew.
K. CHAPEK
It is better to remain intelligently silent than to speak stupidly.
PUBLILIUS SYR
Many people would like to quickly and easily meet new people, impressing them pleasant impression. But not everyone can. But this skill is useful not only for personal life, but also for successful business communication. Fortunately, there are certain techniques for creating interaction between people. You just need to know them.
Many people would like to quickly and easily meet new people, making a good impression on them. But not everyone can. But this skill is useful not only for personal life, but also for successful business communication. Fortunately, there are certain techniques for creating interaction between people. You just need to know them.
Cast your bait
When starting a conversation, “cast the bait” - that is, touch on the most different topics and watch how the person reacts to them. This is similar to how you tune a receiver to the desired wavelength. If some topic has aroused the interest of the interlocutor, then it is worth continuing, then the person will be happy to talk.
There is another win-win way to start a conversation - ask the person for advice. For example: “I'm thinking about buying a tablet, but there are so many models now that it's hard to sort them out. What do you advise me? (By the way, this is a good way for women to meet a man).
“When starting a conversation, ask open-ended questions, that is, those to which it is impossible to give a short unambiguous answer “yes” or “no,” advises Canadian psychoanalyst John Romanenko. - It is best to use a combination: a compliment plus a question. For example: “What a wonderful salad, I’ve never eaten anything like this. What do you put in there? Almonds, prunes, or what kind of food do you have?” own secret"It’s unlikely that such a question can be answered in monosyllables. With such a question you will show your interest and allow the woman to start talking about how she prepares the salad. And the conversation will begin on its own.”
The best topics for communication
There are favorable and unfavorable topics for conversation. The first ones will always help you start a dialogue, communicate and leave the most pleasant impression about yourself. But the latter should be avoided, otherwise a conflict may inadvertently arise.
The best themes are neutral ones. First of all, it's the weather. This topic unites everyone; it’s not for nothing that the British always start conversations with it.
Next, you can discuss city news, as well as local attractions or landscapes. You can talk about sports, travel, hobbies, pets. If you see that one of these topics is particularly interesting to your interlocutor, you can develop and deepen it.
“The method of maintaining a conversation is the “echo” method,” continues John Romanenko. - Let’s say a person says something about the theater, but you don’t understand this topic. In this case, repeat everything he says, only paraphrasing a little. For example, the interlocutor says: “Ivanov played excellently in yesterday’s performance.” You: "Yes, he has high level acting. Can you remember what other performances he was in? lately". That's it, consider that the interlocutor is already yours. Your task is to assent, keeping the interlocutor in the key of conversation, and at the same time with questions to encourage him to further conversation. In this case, there will be no end to his eloquence and, having parted with you, she (or he ) will tell everyone how pleasant it is to communicate with you.”
Taboo topics
And there are questions that are best avoided in conversations with people, otherwise you risk being left alone.
Firstly, refrain from talking at length about your beloved self (this is the notorious “yak”). It’s especially boring to listen to a list of what you did during the day: where you went, what you ate for breakfast, lunch, dinner... This is of no interest to anyone. Agree, you also don’t like it when someone talks like a nightingale about themselves, not letting you get a word in? Therefore, stop talking about yourself for a long time, better listen to your interlocutor.
Don’t torment your interlocutors with stories about your precious child. This topic can only be discussed in the company of similar mothers or grandmothers; others are unlikely to be interested in it. People can still listen to a couple of phrases, and then they will try to wrap up the conversation.
One more taboo topic: discussion of those present, this is considered bad form. The interlocutor will involuntarily think: if you gossip about others, it means you will gossip about him. Who likes a gossip?
People also don’t like whining: complaints about life, health, bad luck, lack of money, etc. People around them try to stay away from such people. But everyone likes people who are positive and optimistic.
Talking about money is also considered bad manners. If you don’t want to seem unceremonious, don’t ask how much your interlocutor’s clothes, watches, jewelry, car, etc. cost.
Also, you should not develop the topic of illness, poor health, etc. If a person mentioned that he was recently sick, do not exaggerate this topic, do not ask for details. Express your sympathy in a nutshell and optimistically express your hope that the worst is over.
You can't ask people personal questions. For example: “Are you married?”, “How old are you?”, “How much do you earn?”, “I heard you are getting a divorce?”, “Why have you gained so much weight?” Similar questions are a violation of personal boundaries and are perceived as the height of tactlessness.
And now - about particularly explosive topics, some cannot be touched upon under any circumstances if you do not want to run into conflict. These are religious affiliations, political and national issues(we see today, for example, what fierce battles are being waged on blogs on the same “Ukrainian topic”). You also cannot discuss the interlocutor’s relatives or evaluate them.
“A well-mannered person tries not to talk about himself,” confirms Ivan Artsishevsky, head of the Ivan Artsishevsky Center for Effective Communications. - Even if you were asked about this, you must soon move the conversation to another topic. You shouldn’t talk about illnesses, problems, income, high prices and money in general. Avoid talking about politics, as well as faith and religion. This is especially important if you do not know the beliefs and views of your interlocutors. A thoughtless remark can offend or even offend someone present and force him to enter into an argument. Never ask your interlocutor about age or official rank... All this is considered indecent.”
Small talk - a way to quickly make contact
There are situations when you need to establish an easy, non-binding relationship. This happens when we find ourselves with someone on a train, plane, or on vacation. Fortunately, there is a way to quickly and easily find commonality - this is the so-called small talk conversation, that is, small talk. (By the way, the ability to quickly establish contact is very important in business life in order to immediately win over a person and ease the transition to business interaction. This helps the interlocutors adapt to each other).
“A small talk can take place as an exchange of opinions, for example, during a break in a meeting,” explains Ivan Artsishevsky. - “How do you like this speech?”, “Do you agree with the speaker’s statement?” - this way you can even contact strangers. Small talk helps fill the pause. This is also a way to borrow free time, that's why short conversations especially common when we are waiting for something. Small talk has one more task: to maintain friendly, informal relationships with people in the team. For example: “How did you go on vacation?”, “I heard what you wrote new article"It seems like these are conversations about nothing, but the person feels interest and attention to himself. A friendly atmosphere in the team promotes mutual understanding in business matters."
Listening skills
But mastery of conversation techniques is not everything. Equally important is the ability to listen. There are also special techniques for this.
“The main principle is non-interference, a minimum of answers,” continues Ivan Artsishevsky. - You should be a sponge, absorbing everything your interlocutor says. It is necessary to constantly give him signals that you are not soaring in the clouds of your own thoughts, but are focused on his words. For this, short remarks are used: “Yes,” “I understand you,” etc. These words help the interlocutor and invite him to continue. Signals of our attention can be a nod of the head, an affirmative “moo,” and even a slight change in facial expression.
Next - clarification. This is an appeal to the speaker for some clarification. These questions show the speaker that he is being listened to. You can use the following words: “What do you mean?”, “Could you please explain this?”, “Sorry, I didn’t quite understand you...”, etc. Such soft, neutral phrases invite the interlocutor to express his thoughts more specifically. .
Then - paraphrasing. This means expressing the same thought, but in a slightly different way: “If I understood you correctly, then...”, “You correct me if I’m wrong...”. You need to choose the main thing and retell it in your own words. If you want to paraphrase your interlocutor, do it when he has paused and is collecting his thoughts. Your repetition of his words will serve as the foundation from which he can build on and move on.”
You cannot interrupt a person when he is speaking. Agree, we all don’t like to be interrupted. Therefore, wait until he fully expresses his thought, and then enter into dialogue.
If someone makes mistakes in speech, do not correct them, this will push the person away. It is tactless to make comments to adults. You are not a teacher, so you shouldn’t show off your learning.
The main thing is sensitivity
If you want people to enjoy communicating with you and want to continue it, then stick to important rule- be sensitive to them. Observe your interlocutor, watch his reaction. It’s so simple to notice what a person likes and what he doesn’t like. To do this, it is enough to direct your attention to it. Manage the conversation, monitor its flow and know how to transfer it to something else in time.
Inna Kriksunova, for Fontanka.ru
A person lives in society, so he must be able to communicate with other people, and communication implies the ability to conduct a conversation, includes the tone of the conversation, its content, manner of speaking, tact and the ability to argue.
Conversation is one of the main forms of communication between people. People have long thought about how to structure a conversation correctly so that it “does not humiliate or offend anyone.”
The main rule of conversation that interlocutors must observe is to speak not at all, but in accordance with the situation and specific subject conversation.
Normal conversation can serve additional source knowledge, and help make new friends. The dictionaries give several different definitions the concept of "conversation". I preferred the following: “A message on any topic in the form of an exchange of opinions, discussion of issues” (Bolshoi explanatory dictionary Russian language, 2001). And here, probably, one can slightly doubt, because a conversation is not always a “message”.
Therefore, it is not surprising that there is a lot of material on the Internet related to the proper construction of a conversation. Some of them are even set out in the form of rules. The whole question is, should we agree with them? And if so, to what extent? If it were completely, then my notes would lose meaning.
I have already repeatedly pointed out that I am writing this book according to a model borrowed from M. Montaigne. He has a whole large chapter devoted to the art of conversation. It is even available in its entirety on the Internet. However, there are many provisions in this article that we find difficult to agree with. “Different times, different morals.” The author himself belonged to the aristocratic circle, and he saw his readers as equals.
Since we are not really up to his level, the requirements are therefore less stringent. However, I will still give some of his thoughts.
“The most fruitful and natural exercise of our mind is, in my opinion, conversation. Of all types of life activities, it is the most pleasant for me. That is why, if I were forced to make a choice immediately, I would probably rather lose my sight than my hearing or the power of speech.”
Montaigne paid no less attention to the form of presentation than to the essence of the issue. He was a supporter of the most furious debates during conversations, as long as they were conducted by owners of strong and clear minds, because, in his opinion, communication with base and defective minds vulgarizes even those who are immeasurably higher than this.
I must say that in almost all other sources that I have read, such a point of view is not found anywhere. Everyone, including myself personally, is a supporter of a peaceful and calm conversation, where a common desire to do something pleasant for each other is clearly visible.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld, a famous French thinker, believes: “To please others, you need to talk to them about what pleases them and what interests them, avoid arguing about unimportant subjects, rarely ask questions and in no case let them suspect that you can be smarter than them.”
Experts distinguish between concepts such as “conversation” and “conversation.” The conversation is always purposeful; the conversation can also be idle.
Since ancient times, the ability to speak has been considered the highest art. It has not lost its weight even today.
By the way a person speaks, one can judge how educated he is. But it is even easier to recognize a well-mannered person by the way he listens. Most sources emphasize that “the art of conversation is the art of silence.”
This paradox can be easily deciphered - listening attentively is just as difficult as telling it entertainingly, so it is very important to learn to listen to your interlocutor. And even when you do not agree with his opinion on any matter, it is best to listen to the end and then express your point of view in a form that is very acceptable to the interlocutor. It is much more pleasant to have a conversation with an interlocutor who listens carefully.
They say that once a student was brought to Socrates. He came a long way, overcame many obstacles, however, after a short conversation with him, the philosopher demanded double payment. The explanation was simple. “I will have to teach you not one, but two sciences at once. - said Socrates. “Not only eloquence, but also the ability to remain silent.”
At one time, I noticed that Dale Carnegie, in his instructions to managers, citing specific historical experience, emphasized that the most best experience about a person remains with his counterpart if he was mostly silent and listened. “What a wonderful conversationalist,” concluded one great nobleman, having completed such a “conversation.”
The art of conversation special place occupies the topic that will be chosen for it.
At present, when society is extremely politicized, starting a conversation about politics is extremely undesirable. After all, the people present at the meeting, as a rule, adhere to extremely opposing views, and are deeply convinced that only their point of view is correct. This immediately leads to a squabble, all participants in the conversation forget about tact, shout loudly at each other, and no one listens to anyone. The result? Unambiguous. Everyone will leave offended. In addition, there are cases when, as a result of such a “conversation,” not only friends lose each other, but even families break up.
That's why it's been around for a long time unspoken rule that during a conversation one should never talk about politics and religion, and even about love, except in those cases when one of the interlocutors himself spoke about it, and even about himself.
There are cases when one of the participants in the conversation is a person more educated than the rest of the interlocutors, endowed with talent and higher scientific titles. During a conversation, having seen that someone has said something that he cannot prove, or is generally incorrect in essence, he will immediately, relying on his erudition, show everyone the inconsistency of the judgments of the one with whom he is arguing. Moreover, this will be done with brilliance, passion and pressure. Of course, one cannot envy the person against whom this force is directed. Is this good or bad?
Perhaps on a forum where some kind of scientific problem, that's how it should be. But in an ordinary family or friendly conversation, this form is not only undesirable, but even unacceptable.
In one of the articles related to the art of conversation, I came across a phrase that I fully support: “Do not put your interlocutor in an awkward position by trying to overwhelm him with your knowledge base - no one wants to feel stupider than the other.”
In my notes, I have already mentioned Benjamin Franklin, who, in addition to all his other merits, was also a member of academies in many countries of the world, including Russia. In his biography, he tells how he managed to overcome the terrible habit of arguing.
“I have made it a rule to avoid directly contradicting the opinions of others, as well as self-confidently defending my point of view. When others asserted something that seemed to me erroneous, I denied myself the pleasure of sharply contradicting and immediately showing the absurdity of their statements. This behavior, in his opinion, allowed him to become what he became. I think that the example is worthy of imitation.
There are many recommendations and opinions on where to start and how to conduct the conversation.
Many are inclined to think that the ideal start to a conversation with a counterpart is his favorite topic, and that people are interesting to us when we see that they are interested in us. This is probably correct, but it can be done if you know your interlocutor well. Otherwise, it is difficult to immediately determine the range of his interests.
It is not customary to discuss people in their absence, although to one degree or another, this is often violated. It is not customary to ask women their age, or ask their interlocutors their salary.
How a person behaves during a conversation also matters. When listening to your interlocutor, it is advisable to look him straight in the eyes, from time to time showing your interest with a nod of the head or a short remark.
“Nothing can be more rude and least excusable than inattention to one’s interlocutor,” wrote Lord Chesterfield. In general, interest, disposition towards others and tolerance of different points of view are one of the main guarantees of a pleasant conversation.
Sincere interest - driving force conversation. At the same time, a well-timed compliment is one of important points good communication.
I liked the remark that a casual conversation is primarily an exchange of opinions, and not a dramatic monologue, and no matter how interesting your story is, it cannot last more than one or two minutes unless the interlocutor himself asks for it. Otherwise, you risk earning a reputation as a bore or a narcissistic egoist.
Any person likes to feel smart and interesting conversationalist, so if you liked the idea of your counterpart, then why not mark it?
And yet, in the art of conducting a conversation, one of the key points is the question of where to start a conversation, especially with strangers.
There are many opinions on this matter. Draw the interlocutor’s attention to some expressive object with a discussion of its purpose, or ask him a question in which he is competent. You can start a conversation with any current news, with questions of art, ask his opinion on any issue, etc.
In communication with unfamiliar people It is best to avoid talking about yourself, discussing household chores with purely personal information. Moreover, it is advisable to get these people talking by asking questions starting with the words “what,” “why,” and “how,” which require more detailed answers than just “yes” or “no.”
During a conversation, it is rude to interrupt or argue with your interlocutor, especially if he is elderly. You shouldn't give him any hints or correct him.
In general, there is a recommendation that young people should avoid arguing with elders. Even if the elder is really wrong, and you were unable to convince him of this in a calm conversation, it is better to stop the argument and move the conversation to another topic.
Your demeanor is very important in any conversation. If it is immediately clear that you behave freely and at ease, and most importantly - friendly and benevolent, you create the background that provides the desired tone for the meeting and conversation.
Along with advice on how to conduct a conversation, there are also many rules about what is undesirable to allow during conversations.
There are opinions of the majority of authors who write about the art of conversation that one should not correct the narrator, even if he makes mistakes, argue until he is heard to the end; you need to monitor the volume of your voice and not start conversations with intimate details of your life.
These same sources draw attention to the fact that you should speak to the point, and at the same time monitor how interesting it is to those present, and how they react to your words. During a conversation, it is unacceptable to extol yourself and your activities, or condemn anyone. “The power of speech lies in the ability to express a lot in a few words” (Plutarch).
Etiquette recommends avoiding the pronoun “I” during a conversation, not showing your dissatisfaction with everyone and everything, and not burdening your listeners with stories about your failures. Nobody likes whiners.
There are many other rules about “what is good and what is bad” in the topic we are presenting. But I don't think they need to be memorized. The main thing is to understand well that the people gathered for a conversation should be pleased with the company in which they are, and they should feel comfortable. And the task is to create these conditions either with the soul, or with the mind, or with both. In general, if a person understands the basic rules, one should not think about them constantly, everything will turn out fine in its own way. After all, we are not passing exams.
It should be emphasized that everything stated above does not apply to business meetings, and related conversations. Business conversations are of a different nature and subject to different rules. And a lot of things that are unacceptable during friendly conversations, is absolutely necessary during business. And disputes, and evidence, and calculations, and refutations of opponents. That is, everything that helps to come to the truth.
I would like to emphasize that you can talk about the art of conversation as long and as much as you like, but this is unlikely to make the question clearer or simpler. In every question, there is almost always something important, its core. For example, the Bible is a huge book, and millions of pages have been written on Christian issues.
However, the main commandment in the teachings of Jesus is very laconic - “love your neighbor as yourself, and never do to anyone what you do not want for yourself.”
So it is in conversation, especially idle talk. If people who are close to each other and who are educated in one way or another participate in it, knowledge of any rules most likely will not be needed.
Cordiality and goodwill in a conversation, especially with the friendliness of the hosts, will most likely develop by themselves.
In other cases of conversation, especially when unfamiliar people participate in it, it is good for everyone that the above thoughts, or at least part of them, are still kept in mind, and help to structure the conversation so that after it the person is left with no a cloudy residue in the soul, or a feeling of resentment.
Sincerity, interest in what the interlocutor is expressing, and a sense of tact can often replace specific knowledge of certain rules.
However, since these qualities are not always present in everyone, basic knowledge of generally accepted rules can help conduct any meeting or conversation at the proper level.
It is precisely these kinds of considerations that motivated the writing of this chapter.
Reviews
And for me, too, there was a lot in your article useful tips. In general, I always found it easy common language With various kinds people, at work, communicating in a team of several hundred, I did not find any ill-wishers. But in my personal close circle, from time to time people appear with whom it is very difficult for me to communicate, difficult to understand, and, most importantly, I feel that these people have fooled me too... at the moment This man doesn't understand at all. But this is not a stranger whom you can bypass and not ask anything else about. This man is dear to me. But he is from the category of intellectuals, and precisely one of those people who easily, with their knowledge, dismiss an interlocutor who is not so enriched with intellectual wealth, regardless of the rules of tact and attention to the interlocutor. But, as far as I understand, it doesn’t come from that way conscious desire to humiliate your interlocutor, but from the absence of any doubts about your opinion, its correctness, and from the desire to prove your rightness to everyone. Now I’m sitting and thinking about how to try to apply your article in conversations with him. Thanks for the advice.
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Psychologists have managed to teach
chimpanzee
some gestures
deaf and dumb. But it turns out
the monkey cannot conduct a dialogue:
speaks out whenever and wherever “Without listening to the end,” he runs away. Apparentlyability to listen - propertyperson acquired by him inprocess of long evolution.The ability to conduct dialogue is a presending understanding . How more cultural man, the more he less able to understand another.
Centuries of human experiencecommunication has developed a number of traditions and rules for conducting conversations.
Since ancient times it was believedthe greatest insult is notlisten to your interlocutor. Historythey say that one dayChinese envoy in hisconversation with the elders of Ferganagot angry and left without finishingconversation. Such an insult eastern customs, could bewashed away only by blood. In ordertion for violation of etiquette ambassadorwas killed. A convincing argument inthe need to study the rules good form, isn't it?
And here are the rules formulatedbathrooms still in ancient Sumer, V III millennium BC e. Entries onclay tablets read: “Do not widen your mouth, don’t speak right away,if you are irritated, you will have to immediatelylazily repent for being thoughtless new speech."
It would seem, well, what canno problems when communicatingwith a person in an understandable native languagelanguage. But already in Ancient Rus' V beginning of XII V. was widely known“Lesson for Children” by VladimirMonomakh, where he gave adviceconducting a conversation: “In front of eldersbe silent, listen to the wise, eldersto obey, to abide in love with equals and juniors,talking without malicious intent, andthink more, don't be franticspeak “in words, do not condemn with speech,don't laugh too much..."
In 1713 it was published in Francea book that was later sold outall Western Europe. Nameshe said “The Art of the Gallant conversations, or How to become a personWith good manners" "Towin your favor ladies, - the book advised, - you have to treat her rightconversation. As a topic beforemore respectful of the weather. Cantalk about bad weatherso is the good one. If the ladydon't mind, it's already a startsuccess. Then it's worth talking about winter weather, find out, likes does the lady skateor sledding. And he loves... so muchgive her such a walk.” IN1788 Goethe's contemporary Baronvon Knigge published the book "Aboutrules of conversation”, claimwhich has achieved versatility. At the same time, Ekaterina II called on courtiers who did not shine with good manners to observerules of the “Hermitage Charter”:the third paragraph asked to be "vevillages, but not to destroy, break or bite anything,” the sixth allowed disputes, but withoutslander, called to “speakmoderately and not very loudly, so thatThe other people there didn’t have any headaches or ears.” Guests who violate these guidelines will be severely punished.
Ancient Uzbek proverbsays it's enoughplay like a man argues to determine all his meritsand disadvantages. The most important thing indispute is restraint, skillself-control and respect for the opponent and his opinion.
Famous writer XIX century Vladimir Odoevsky wrote,What well-mannered person canlisten. In the heaviest argument, he will not interrupt your speech and will let you talk to your heart's content, but notwill leave you without an answer. After all, it's alwaysyou can argue without going beyondlimits of good manners, not
allowing a dispute to turn into a quarrel,even if the conversation is verytemperamental and touches on sensitive issues. And most often we judge the degree of culture of a personprecisely by his manner of speaking and argue.
Speech of a cultured personshould be clear, figurative, weightspeak in a language that is understandablemost people around.
It is unacceptable to speak in conversationtalk casually aboutthose present, even more soand about those who are absent, And not onlybecause among our interlocutorsnicknames may be friends or relatives, what we don’t always talk aboutwe know, the world is small, but also becausesuch statements may leadpeople to the idea that in another roompanic and they can become the subject of an equally unpleasant discussion.If in your presence aboutthe shortcomings of acquaintances are judgedor even people you don't know,try to politely avoidfrom such a conversation.
So that communication with you is possibleit's always nice to everyone, try not totalk about your successesor troubles and generally wantedIt’s wise to talk about yourself only whenwhen they really ask you for it
