Ecology of consumption. People: If you realize that your psyche is constantly looking for reasons to shake up and greedily rushes to any reason to panic, when you understand how it works...
90% of our worries concern what will never happen, Margaret Thatcher accurately calculated.
And Zhvanetsky suggested "Let's deal with troubles as they come", – and this is the healthiest and most effective scheme.
Neither be afraid in advance, nor get upset later and mentally return, but just like that - as you arrive.
But that’s exactly how it doesn’t work out.
- Constantly worried about something - here's ours normal condition. At the same time, what we know is that anxiety does not help, but greatly hinders solving problems. But we don’t know what we’ll do if we stop freaking out and worrying, right? Some kind of emptiness forms inside, where does it go? This is the problem.
- Anxiety is fear without an address. They worsen most strongly at dusk - scientific fact. And so parents worry about their children, girls worry about boys, boys worry about money... Some people think that this is how the world works. Nothing of the kind. This is how only the world of neurotics works, who create hell in their heads every minute.
- Anxious for no reason or for an insignificant reason – this is what it means to be neurotic. In our country these are the majority.
- How do mentally healthy people differ from neurotics? The fact that they, of course, are also nervous, but experience real emotions that have real weighty reasons - these are specific events, irritants in outside world. Neurotics, on the other hand, continuously generate the causes of their irritation within themselves.
- For anxious people, life is just a series of problems, that need to be resolved and worries that need to either be drowned out (with alcohol, for example), or realized (to throw a full tantrum), for example. So you look, and the day has passed.
- A neurotic always needs that fly in the ointment in any, the biggest barrel of honey. Discomfort, frustration, anger, resentment - feelings with which they are familiar, they are always at home with them. And what is typical is that they themselves do not know how to enjoy life and do not let others enjoy it.
- When the psyche is sharpened by excitement, there will be no reason for the matter: an unwashed cup in the sink, a toilet seat that hasn’t been lowered, the dollar exchange rate, drunks on the subway... And off we go in the morning. After all, if a person has a need for constant worries, he needs to rest against some kind of negativity in order to “calm down” and tell himself: “I’m not just worried, I’m worried about it!” Do you understand what a substitution is? At first you are afraid of everything and only then find something to put your fear into.
By the way, many, with all the desire and opportunity to live abroad, nevertheless remain in the country - here we have a lot to be nervous about, but in old Europe there are no reasons for worry to the usual level - and it’s boring, and sad and all that.
- One day, try to stop and find out for sure: What are you nervous about? How adequate is your reaction to the available stimuli? Or are you still neurotic and nervous, not because your child has an Unified State Examination, there is a crisis in the country, or there are layoffs at work, but solely because you can’t help but be nervous. As Sigmund said: “The scale of your personality is determined by the magnitude of the problem that can piss you off.” So what is your scale?
- In addition, many people in childhood develop such a stable and life-damaging emotion as self-pity. I advise you to think about the topic - why are you feeling sorry for yourself now? Are there serious reasons to feel sorry for yourself? Why do you feel inferior, feel like a victim? Or maybe all this happens by inertia? Maybe it’s better to try not to feel sorry for yourself, but to act to eliminate the causes of your disorders?
If you realize that your psyche is constantly looking for reasons to shake up and greedily rushes to any reason to panic, when you understand how this works, you will have a chance to go into the category normal people and remember that anxieties, worries, fears, neurotic reactions do not allow you to develop, grow, or realize yourself - neither in personal relationships nor in work.
When I was at school, above the blackboard in our class there was a poster with Lenin’s statement: “We will take a different path!” So for centuries we have been following some other path, perpendicular to the whole world. And this pose, and this enormous resentment towards the whole world, which is supposedly up in arms against us, and this aggression, as a consequence of the resentment - all these are factors that seriously influence the psyche of an entire nation, an entire country. “Be vigilant - the enemy is not asleep”, “A chatterbox is a godsend for a spy”, “Have you passed the GTO standards?” Where can I relax here?
Also interesting:
- The origins of anxiety as a way of life again and always lie in childhood, in the fears of parents and of course, in genetics. Our grandmothers, great-grandmothers and great-grandfathers, and I suspect all this goes back centuries, were forced to live with caution and certainly none of them lived as they wanted. Therefore, such a lifestyle is not natural for us. But someone has to start... published
And all these joyful songs and poems were written about us. And the sun shines brighter and the grass is greener. Not from a neighbor, but from us (finally!).
However, it also happens that songs gradually lose their melody and poems their meaning. Quarrels are repeated more and more often, but reconciliation is as easy as before. And what is between you is more likely to resemble a neurotic relationship.
The “other half” seems either completely unsuitable or the best in the world.
Are you familiar with these contrasts? Are relationships more likely to bring depression than happiness? Perhaps you are in a neurotic relationship and it’s time to think about how to get out of it. So it's time to act.
Why doesn't it stick?
Every relationship has its ups and downs. However, in unhealthy relationships, partners become hostage to these contrasts.
That is, there is nothing wrong with domestic quarrels. But it is worth paying attention to their reasons. Yes, people can rub themselves in, for example. They can test each other's boundaries. Sometimes it’s not even about the partners, but about the psycho-emotional load that falls on one (or both) of them.
There is even a so-called “false memory syndrome”. It is he who makes us remember ourselves during quarrels in better light. This means that we may not even be aware of how we hurt our partner during an argument.
But any reason suggests that your behavior needs to be reconsidered. And honestly discuss with your partner what hurts his behavior. In this case, there is always a chance to save the relationship.
However, if both people value each other, then what kind of gap can we talk about? And if not, then most likely they are trapped neurotic relationships.
Neurotic relationships and their signs
In a fit of emotion, you can great relationship momentarily considered unhealthy. And vice versa - unhealthy relationships are considered correct for a long time. How can we know for sure?
Psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky is considered a real expert in this field. It describes more than just signs that something has gone wrong. But he also tells how to get out of neurotic relationships.
So, here are a few main points that are worth trying to “diagnose”:
- where is your relationship going? Have you already moved on to the cohabitation stage, but nothing is happening? If you have a need to develop your relationship, you need to talk it over with your partner. If your goals diverge and the person is not ready to start a family, then it’s time to say goodbye. And if after many years of relationship you personally have not developed a desire to start a family, it’s also time to think about why;
- what is really important in a relationship. Neurotic relationships are characterized by the fact that emotions are in the foreground. Not the partner with his desires and feelings, but what sensations he gives. In other words, relationships become a platform for solving internal problems;
- "work on mistakes". When something doesn’t suit you in a relationship, you need to talk about it. Aloud. With a partner. But if nothing changes after that, this is a serious reason to draw conclusions, says Mikhail Labkovsky. After all, real neurosis, on both sides, begins when the relationship brings discomfort;
- what we need. Neurotic relationships happen to us because we need it, says the psychologist. We get what we need now. Most likely, the next relationship after the previous neurotic one will be the same;
- inclination. If you have developed a neurotic relationship with your parents, then you are at risk. The same goes for your partner. Love through suffering almost always has references to an unhappy childhood. The child tried with all his might to win the love of cold and/or aggressive parents. Or maybe, for example, since childhood I was afraid of the dark. But no one was there to comfort him. If you recognize yourself or your “other half” in this description, just be careful. This doesn't mean that any relationship you have will be unhealthy. However, you will need to learn how to love without suffering;
- who is neurotic here? Relationships in which both partners are neurotic have no chance. Since when one of them is cured, he simply becomes uninterested in continuing in the same spirit. There is still a small chance - if both partners are ready to change. And this already means a lot, because change will come in every sense out of love.
How to get out of a difficult relationship and is it worth it?
What to do if you are in a neurotic relationship
Ending a relationship that only brings you negativity is simple and difficult at the same time, says Mikhail Labkovsky. How to get out of a neurotic relationship? They need to be taken and finished. All. No alternatives.
If you understand that your life together is causing you (or your “other half”) suffering, why continue? And since you started asking this question, you were probably thinking about a breakup. But how to get out of a neurotic relationship forever if you seem to still love this person? And is it worth it?
note that we're talking about not about everyday differences of opinion, but about global ones. You either accept your loved one completely or not at all. And in the event that you do not accept him or he does not accept you, but the relationship continues, it is time to send distress signals.
Mikhail Labkovsky quite rightly states: we do not give up what we love. And that means until to a certain extent we like our current state.
Yes, it sounds strange at first, but almost every one of us has found ourselves in a relationship where we enjoyed suffering. unrequited love, an attempt to reach a partner, an attempt to pull a partner towards oneself.
By the way, Labkovsky speaks not only about women, but also about men. Both are equally prone to fall into neurotic relationships.
First you need to win - and not your partner, but yourself. After all, the fact that we are stuck in such relationships already speaks of our craving for suffering. And you can get rid of these self-tortures only by giving yourself a chance at happiness.
How to leave a neurotic relationship?
There are two ways out of a neurotic relationship: leave forever or leave as always. To leave as always, says Mikhail Labkovsky, means that in a day, a week, a month everything will start all over again. This is the essence of the nature of neuroticism - leaving and new reconciliation will be the next round of the roller coaster.
To stop “getting on your nerves,” you need to leave forever. And the sooner the better, since a conflict at an already serious stage of a relationship - marriage, children together - can harm not only you.
So how can you get out of a difficult relationship without regretting or looking back? The best way to do this - not to think about how to decisively get out of a difficult relationship, but simply say goodbye once and for all. Without reproaches, without complaints, without giving hope for reconciliation. Because this is not a warning, but a mature decision.
The next logical step is to end the neurotic relationship with yourself. Realize that relationships that contain painful feelings will only bring fleeting happiness. And there will be more feelings of devastation in them.
And for real happiness you need to accept yourself, accept your loved one and enjoy your relationship. Without having to fall into unhappiness in order to experience happiness later.
St. Petersburg is a city of strong people, but very nervous women, weak but intellectually developed men and neurotic relationships between them. In the matter of improving the health of the townspeople, we turned to the most sought-after psychologist in the country, Mikhail Labkovsky.
Mikhail, you just conducted a two-hour lecture-consultation “How to get out of neurotic relationships” with yourself, your partner, your parents and your children. There were two hundred women and ten men in the hall, and you sorted out about twenty cases. Is it different? general temperature at the hospital" in St. Petersburg from Moscow, for example, or other cities where you performed?
There are almost no differences from Moscow. From London, Riga and Kyiv - yes. Women are more in demand there, there are more married people there than in St. Petersburg. Most people attended this lecture unmarried women with difficult relationships, although many have already been married two or three times. This has to do with demographics. Russia historically has a shortage of men. That's why our women spend a lot of effort trying to please. A friend told me how one of ours was at the Cannes Film Festival famous woman walked along the beach in 12-centimeter heels. He asked her: “Natasha, why are you doing this?” And she replied: “We don’t even go to the bakery without heels.” The competition in the Russian bride market is really tough. Because of this, our women are the most beautiful - they take care of themselves because they want to get married.
In Russia, everything is normal with sex: in couples it happens one and a half times a week.
There is no need to woo anyone. I like him, he likes me - that's how it should be.
Why do some people get married and others not? Three things do not affect this: appearance, age and character. But what influences it is a more complex question. In Europe, where the gender ratio is different, men with such an approach as ours will not find a bride. There the woman will choose. And in China, there are generally two times fewer women than men - so they are carried there in their arms. And immediately the men turn out to be so active - their eyes light up, and they like everything.
There is such a marker of a native resident of our city - he cannot move out of his father’s house in time or emotionally disconnect from his parents. Do all neuroses come from relationships with mother and father?
Not really. More from psychotrauma: infant can go to the hospital without mom and dad and come out completely crazy. But in general, yes, parents are more traumatic if they themselves are neurotic. However, they can be good people, love the child, but not be friends with your own head at all. I'm not a fan classical psychoanalysis. And what difference does it make what the causes of your neurosis are? We need to solve problems and get out of neurotic relationships.
Neurotic relationships are those in which you feel stupidly bad.
Many reflective St. Petersburg residents constantly experience melancholy, fall into existential crises, most often on the eve of big dates, and experience difficulties in communicating with people. How to determine that this is not just a difficulty, but a neurotic relationship?
Neurotic relationships are those in which you feel stupidly bad. You are suffering, you are unhappy. If you have a neurotic relationship with someone, the most important thing you need to understand is that you have a neurotic relationship with yourself. Speaking Russian, you don't like yourself very much. You can talk about it, you can remain silent, but when you start acting, it becomes clear that you don’t love yourself at all. You may think: “Well, I’m nothing like that. But stupid. Blonde". And also to note this with self-irony. And self-irony is self-aggression, not a sense of humor. So, when you don't love yourself, the world doesn't love you either. Because people read how you feel about yourself. This is how the psyche works at the level of sensation from communicating with someone. If you don’t love yourself, you develop neurotic relationships with your partners. Because you choose a person who does not suit you in everything.
When you don't love yourself, the world doesn't love you either.
For example, you are drawn to those who are not available: married, living in another city or country. This means that for you, love is also suffering. But love, it should be about happiness, not about pain. Of course, everyone can fall in love with the wrong person. In this case, you tell your married boyfriend to leave the family - but nothing changes. What to do in this case? The third rule from my “Labkovsky Method” - immediately say what you don’t like - has an addition: if you said it, but nothing changes, then you must jump out of this relationship. Otherwise, it will turn out: you don’t like it, but you don’t say “goodbye” either. It's as if you press the gas with your right foot and the brake with your left.
While you are young, such behavior is still possible, but with age, such novels can lead to psychosomatic diseases, because the body cannot be in a state constant stress. You don’t do anything: you don’t leave, and you don’t accept the situation. And I am against the practice of “working on yourself” - there is an element of violence in it. And I encourage you to do only what you want.
You talk a lot about marriage, but you yourself are not married.
I have been married for thirteen years. I have a child and good relationship with his ex-wife.
Clients don’t protest; how can you advise about married relationships if you yourself are not in one?
No. Do you think that I should definitely be married?
It is so established, especially in Russia, that marriage is a criterion for a happy life, the realization of a woman’s ambitions, a man’s financial viability, as well as normality and what not.
I agree with this. If I met a person whom I loved and wanted to have a family, I would be married. But I can’t get married for the reason that women do it - only because I’m already so many years old, so I already need it.
So this is purely female logic?
Yes, purely female. Men approach marriage differently. Men take responsibility for women. A woman’s status in marriage increases, but a man’s status does not.
Then why does a man get married at all?
He loves a woman. And more people - social creatures. We have biological need live as a couple. I don’t adhere to the norm that if you don’t have a family, then you’re sick, or you don’t have children, then you’re sick. This is nonsense. If a person does not complain, then everything is fine with him. End of story.
You formulated your method at the age of about fifty. We specially made personalized rules to achieve star status domestic psychology, travel around the world giving lectures, giving interviews?
“Labkovsky’s Six Rules” is thirty-seven years of continuous work. I myself try to live by these rules - they work like clockwork. If I don’t like something about a girl, I immediately jump out of the relationship. And I don’t bother myself that the best thing in my life could have happened to her. And if you still need to achieve it, then immediately not. One young lady, simply lovely, told me: “Mikhail, I never meet men I like.” Well, that’s the kind of psychotrauma she has. She refused me a date. And according to my rules, I can’t even propose to her a second time. That's all, the issue is closed with her. It is important to always behave the same with everyone. And then it works.
Labkovsky's six rules
1. Do only what you want.
2. Don't do what you don't want to do.
3. Immediately talk about what you don’t like.
4. Don't answer when not asked.
5. Answer only the question.
6. When sorting out relationships, talk only about yourself.
Text: Natalya Nagovitsyna
My method is to develop in a person with psychological problems healthy reactions and life skills with six rules to govern his behavior.
These are the rules:
1. Do only what you want.
2. Don't do what you don't want to do.
3. Immediately talk about what you don’t like.
4. Don't answer when not asked.
5. Answer only the question.
6. When sorting out relationships, talk only about yourself.
How does this work
Every person, even in childhood, develops stereotypical reactions to repeated stimuli. For example, if parents are constantly in conflict, talking in a raised voice, the child gets scared and withdraws into himself, and since this happens all the time, the child is constantly in fear and depressed. It grows, the behavior continues to be reinforced year after year. Thus, a flawed psychology of an adult is formed, which is characterized by lack of initiative, apathy, inability to take responsibility, to realize oneself, and most importantly, the inability to enjoy life. During this time, strong neural connections are created in the brain, the so-called reflex arc- built in a certain way nerve cells, which force a strictly defined response, in the usual way to any similar stimulus.
To help a person overcome fears, anxieties, insecurities, low self-esteem- this arc needs to be broken. And create new connections, their new order. And there is only one way to do this “without using a lobotomy”: with the help of ACTIONS that are unusual for a neurotic. When a person begins to act in a way that is not neurotic, and therefore uncharacteristic for himself, changes in his psyche occur at the biochemical level. Following new neural connections, new, previously unusual emotions arise in the brain: confidence, calm, a sense of stability. And, as a result, the psychology of a person is gradually formed with high self-esteem who loves himself, and, most importantly, enjoys life.
Therefore, we need to start acting, breaking our behavioral stereotypes. And when there are clear instructions on how to behave in each specific situation- change is real. Without thinking, without reflecting, without turning to your own (negative) experience. And in accordance with the rules of Mikhail Labkovsky.
January 25th, 2019 , 02:54 pm
July 27th, 2018 , 09:02 am
July 17th, 2018 , 08:41 am
June 26th, 2018 , 09:05 pm
June 4th, 2018 , 11:28 am
May 30th, 2018 , 11:54 pm
The first and most important, although at the same time the most vague sign: next to this person you feel somehow wrong. Even if you find it difficult to give this feeling a clear definition, if you feel uncomfortable, this is an important symptom. You may feel this as anxiety, uncertainty, tension or wariness. Don't make the common mistake of trying to analyze this feeling and find its cause. I repeat, you are not a psychologist, not a psychotherapist, not a psychiatrist, you are not this man’s attending physician. You should not look for the origins of the feelings that arise in you, and especially not blame yourself for experiencing them. Since you feel uncomfortable with this man, what difference does it really make, why exactly? There is no reason to continue a relationship with someone who does not bring positive emotions into your life.
But let’s still be a little more specific about what neurosis reveals in a man.
For example, many neurotics love to brag. This usually concerns money, career, social status. It may seem that a man is simply successful and trying to produce favorable impression. But a truly successful and accomplished man will not stick it out because, roughly speaking, he doesn’t itch there. There is a saying: “Whoever hurts, talks about it.” IN in this case this is a wonderful illustration. If a man has a good career, business, high salary, he is confident in himself and his professionalism, he is in best case scenario will mention the field of activity and position. He doesn't need to convince you (and himself) how cool he is. He already knows this.
This is exactly the same phenomenon that occurs with many writers: they write about what they lack. And clowns and comedians turn out to be the most depressive and sad people in real life. It is human nature to compensate, so listen to what the man tells you - he actually names his problem, his sore spot.
If he says that he is the life of the party, he has a lot of friends, everything free time scheduled minute by minute - most likely, he is incredibly lonely, does not know how to build long-term relationships, does not know how to make friends. And, as if informing you in advance about his employment and demand, he drives you into a situation where you will feel that you are not interesting enough to him, if he has not called, that his friends are closer to him than you, so he does not spend the weekend with you. And you have nothing to do with it at all, these are his cockroaches and his neurosis.
Another example: a neurotic man is so unsure of himself as a man, in his masculine traits, that he surrounds himself with signs of status in order to please a woman. On the one hand, this is understandable, because given a choice, a woman is more likely to give preference to a wealthier, more successful, wealthy man. But a truly successful man will not put on a super expensive watch, a jacket with a recognizable pattern, or carry a wallet with a bright logo. Look at Mark Zuckerberg, Steve Jobs followed the same strategy. Clothing should be comfortable, high quality and appropriate, everything else is tinsel for neurotics.
The second type of neurotic is a whiner. Everything is always bad for him, he will begin the story about the past day with the fact that the weather was terrible, the work was disgusting, the colleagues were disgusting, the boss was a tyrant. In general, the whole world is against him. He is naturally talented and has a subtle mental organization, no one understands him, no one loves him, he is very lonely. Here, don’t get caught and don’t turn on the “I’ll save him” mode. You won’t save it, you’ll only ruin your life. He can't be saved because he doesn't want to. He wants to drink all the juices from you, and when you break down, he will say that you, like other women, have terribly disappointed him, and will leave into the night. You will be raking up feelings of guilt and your own inadequacy. A variation of this type is the narcissist, who talks only about himself, who is the center of the Universe, and you are given the role of saying admiringly “Ah!” V right moment. This man was not praised as a child, and he makes up for it by putting you in the place of an imaginary mother to hear: “What a great job you are, son!”
The third common type of neurotic is the altruist. He is ready to help everyone, and at the same time - I want to emphasize this - he in every possible way promotes such a lack of silver. Like, money is decay, material wealth is low, consumer society is degradation, and he says all this with incredible enthusiasm. These are not at all the beautiful impulses of the soul, this is not nobility, this is neurosis. A healthy, harmonious person values himself and his time, his strength, and also knows how to value the time and strength of other people. It's okay to do work for money. It's okay to pay others to do the work. It’s normal to do charity work and help someone who can’t cope for free, but it’s not normal to raise it and carry it like a banner, like, look, I help for free, I’m generous, look at me and feel your insignificance. By the way, one more nuance: having received something for free, help or an item, people value it less than if they had purchased the item or service for money. This is how our material world: the more you paid, the greater the effect the purchase gave you.
The fourth type of neurotic is greedy. Women usually recognize him faster than others because he manifests himself more clearly. On a date, he can lament how prices in a restaurant have risen, when talking about work, complain about how low his salary is, and bring you a lonely rose in cellophane to a meeting. Run! And don’t fall into the trap of “how frugal he is, everything goes to the family, everything goes to the house.” No, not to the family or to the house, he will give you 100 rubles for lunch and be surprised that you didn’t make it. You will always beg, and he will reproach you for wastefulness. It is these men who buy apartments and register them in their mother’s name, have secret bank accounts that their wives don’t even know about, and spend their whole lives counting every penny. Moreover, it is not at all necessary that the greedy person is poor, this is not related to wealth, it is a neurosis.
The fifth type of neurotic men is aggressive males. And not in relation to a woman, but in relation to other people. People infuriate them, while driving they bully all the drivers around them, they are rude to waiters in restaurants, they try to hit them in the face for squashing their legs, in a word, they are constantly in a defensive position. Rest assured, you will eventually piss him off.
And finally, a list of not so obvious signs that should nevertheless alert you. This absence own position even in small things. You ask him where we will go, and he answers - where you want. You ask whether it’s red or white, and he says, decide for yourself. He doesn't know how to make choices, he constantly shifts responsibility onto you. Such people are often betrayed by their speech. They never say “I believe”, “I am convinced”, “I will do this”. They say “I hope”, “I guess”, “I’ll try”. They often end sentences with a half-question, for example: “It’s terribly cold today, don’t you agree?” Or: “Let’s go to a cafe, I’m hungry, do you mind?” That is, they constantly need confirmation that they are doing everything right.
There are other signs of neuroses, but I want to emphasize the point made at the very beginning. If you and a man are uncomfortable on the first, second or third date. don't appoint a fourth. In the first meetings, a man shows himself at his best, and if you ALREADY find it unpleasant to be around him, nothing good will come of this relationship.
