» Effective communication

Communication genius. How to become one?

Book fragment Nakamoto Steve. Communication genius. How to become one? - M.: Peter, 2010

Effective communication skills distinguish a successful person. Those who cannot communicate are doomed to have no friends, clients or subordinates!

Learn. Expand the scope of your communication

That's what learning is: you suddenly understand something you've known your whole life, but in a new way.
(Doris Lessing. The City with Four Gates (1969)

Learning to communicate effectively in practice means:

Master a skill through serious study and disciplined practice.
Gain knowledge, attitudes, skills, and strategies through research, training, and experience that result in lasting, measurable, and specific change in behavior.
Become more flexible and effective in any situation by mastering a variety of communication styles.

You are one step closer to discovering the winner within you!

Limited communication skills limit the size of your audience and the variety of situations in which you can operate successfully. One of your primary goals as a future communication genius is to expand your capabilities by learning many new ways to communicate with others. This will prepare you to successfully interact with anyone you encounter in your personal or professional life.

The two-hour finale of the fifth and most successful season of the popular music show "American Idol" attracted more than 200 million viewers from around the world. Ultimately, Taylor Hicks, a 29-year-old soul (Southern rhythm and blues) singer from Alabama, won decisive victory over California's Katharine McPhee and was crowned American Idol of the Year.

Although the show has been repeatedly criticized for its overly intrusive advertising and called a karaoke competition, over the years of its existence it has become much more exciting and stylistically diverse. Particular stages of the competition were dedicated to music in the styles of Motown, Rock, Broadway, Big Band and Country in order to demonstrate the versatility and talents of each participant. Those who showed themselves too weak in one genre or another were excluded from the competition by the judges.

The winner of the fifth season of "American Idol" turned out to be the man who won the sympathy of 63 million viewers (not even one American President!), according to calculations carried out in the last week of the competition. Taylor Hicks achieved this through a remarkable combination of musical talent, charisma and talent for attracting an audience, an ability to impress, and personal charm - qualities that he displayed throughout the many weeks of the singing competition.

Whether you're on American Idol or just talking to people, the ability to communicate confidently in the most different styles will attract a wider audience to you. By mastering new styles of interacting with people with this book, you will learn how to win attention more people, which will allow you to feel comfortable in the most different situations.

Challenge yourself to step outside your comfort zone

The gap between your current ability to perform certain tasks and your future performance can be bridged through training. If you are determined to achieve mastery, challenge yourself, enjoy the process, and eventually you will achieve more success in any field, whatever you choose.

To become a communication genius, you need to excel in many areas. As I mentioned above, one of the most important tasks- develop flexibility to communicate effectively in a variety of situations. Unfortunately, most of us have a limited set of communication styles, so we can only interact well with certain people.

When I started working as a tour guide, I had to learn effective communication with people of all kinds social statuses And age groups. I often led groups of tourists from the UK, Australia, South Africa, Canada and Israel. In addition, I worked with Americans, among whom were students, graduates, believers, retirees and businessmen.

I tried to impress the tourists pleasant impression, and each group presented me with a new, unique challenge. For example, with students it was necessary to “be tough and beat everything,” but with businessmen a professional who could communicate clearly was required. Retirees expected me to mature, and foreigners wanted me to admire the beauty of America as passionately as they did.

A group of believers in Los Angeles once complained to a travel company about me for exhibiting an inappropriate sense of humor while working with them, and I was almost fired. Another time, tourists from San Antonio, Texas, almost didn’t give me the traditional tip, because they felt that I didn’t care about them at all. In both cases, I did not work very well with these people, primarily because their reaction to me was immediately negative, which, frankly, hurt me. But I learned a lot from being targeted by my critics, especially about how to constant monitoring own actions and expanding the horizons of communication.

Now the progress that I have made over the years of my tour guide practice has helped me become more effective in professional activities as an author and speaker and in personal communication. This was also facilitated by the willingness to expand the comfort zone and endure short-term pain with the prospect of achieving success over time.

Expand your sphere of communication

Understand that significant progress cannot be achieved simply and fast way. To expand your capabilities, you must set yourself tasks that at first seem uncomfortable.

The following tips will help you expand your range of communication styles so that you are prepared for any situation life may throw at you.

Meet often and with different people

Practice the art of communication by striking up conversations with the most different people. Let your interlocutor be a cashier at a supermarket, people in line at the bank waiting for an appointment with your doctor, a neighbor walking his dog. How about becoming a regular at a coffee shop, joining a reading club, taking a group tour of your city's landmarks, or taking a training course? A very enjoyable social experience!

Best way to meet people different ages: from children to pensioners, as well as cultures: with compatriots, immigrants and tourists from other countries. The point is that you gain experience communicating in a variety of styles and train your ability to speak, overcome embarrassment and build confidence.

Talk less, listen more

This is perhaps the simplest advice. Simply shifting your focus from yourself to the other person will greatly improve your effectiveness as a communicator. As you practice this skill, you'll likely become a better listener, as well as pick up on the subtle nuances of how your interlocutors communicate.

If you are naturally shy, talk more

Shyness is one of those challenges that you must endure with courage and constantly overcome. We all find ourselves in situations and environments where we are not very comfortable, and the ability to speak does not come naturally. But when shyness becomes the default way you interact with people, it severely limits the quality and quantity of your connections. Newcomers on the way successful communication I advise you to engage in short, non-committal conversations.

Speak in simple themes that are close to everyone. For example, ask: “Do you often get stuck in traffic on your way to work?”, “Why do you think the weather is so weird?”, “What do you think about these outrageous gas prices?” Say a few words and give your interlocutor the opportunity to speak.

Adjust speed and volume, so that your speech has a variety of effects.

There are times when you need to be selective about what you say and/or change the speed and volume of your monologue. For example, when telling a story, it is important to leave out minor details in order to get to the point before the audience's attention wanes. Your voice should be energetic and convey your excitement to show others that you are genuinely excited about what you are talking about. On the other hand, there are times when you need to slow down in order to connect with those who naturally prefer to speak more slowly. In addition, you should vary the volume of your voice and the pace of your speech to avoid monotony.

Build communication skills and confidence by telling jokes

You can learn to tell jokes - this will be yours additional method improve communication skills. By telling jokes, you will learn to tell a story quickly, describe situations vividly, and deliver punchlines with equanimity. A couple of points to remember: first, the content of your joke should not offend anyone; secondly, you should not laugh at your own joke until you finish it. You can also buy a DVD of your favorite comedian to watch them tell jokes and funny stories professionals, keeping the audience's attention. As you watch the recording again and again, you'll probably notice a few useful techniques and you can develop own style narratives.

Practice more formal speaking

When I was 10 years old, my family moved to Palos Verdes, an upper-middle class suburb of Los Angeles. I immediately noticed how well the children spoke there. I remember running into a classmate at a local restaurant one evening and being amazed at how smoothly and without hesitation my peer introduced me to his parents. He said, “Mom and Dad, I’d like to introduce you to my friend Steve Nakamoto. Steve and I are in the same class. Steve, this is my mom and dad."

Improving your communication skills to more official situations, you will master a communication style that will help you in a variety of social situations, giving you more self-confidence and efficiency.

Develop an informal communication style as well.

Make sure you don't leave people indifferent and informal communication. The twenty-year-old guys I play volleyball with on the beach greet me with a simple, “Great, man!” Their conversation style is energetic and casual. They talk and at the same time constantly move. And they usually try to make you laugh or smile.

It's not a bad way to have a conversation when you have to go to hundreds of places and talk to a lot of people every day.

Study or imitate other people's styles

The next time you watch a television talk show, pay attention to how popular hosts interact with the audience. Whether you're watching Jem Leno, Oprah Winfrey, David Letterman, Ellen Lee DeGeneres, or Montel Williams, notice their facial expressions, gestures, changes in tone of voice, and the way they listen, ask questions, give compliments, and tell stories. You can accelerate your growth by carefully observing and learning valuable skills from such communication geniuses.

If you want to increase your capabilities, go beyond your comfort zone so that you can expand it and accomplish big step in the learning process. Start by paying attention to details and thinking about how you can improve your communication. Then set yourself tasks that will test you in this direction. The knowledge acquired, no matter how extensive it may be, is of little use if you do not immediately put it into practice.

Complete one task per day!

From the above tips, choose one that you can easily follow today. Now find another one and plan to put it into practice tomorrow. Then, day after day, look through the list of tips and set yourself one task per day.

At the end of each day, reflect on what you have achieved. What new things did you learn during the practice? What can you be proud of? Do you have any other ideas that would help you expand your social circle? If yes, give yourself special task try them out in practice in the coming days. Continue this continuous cycle of self-improvement with the belief that rich rewards await you.

Conclusion

Remember: to speak like a communication genius in your own right in a broad sense, you must study like a communication genius. For this you have to follow one simple rule: Expand your social circle. Once you understand the importance of this integral component of successful communication, all you have to do is pick up new ideas, get creative, and regularly test this idea until it becomes familiar to you. If you are truly passionate about the process, you will easily achieve victory!

Authors of the book - successful managers popular trainings on self-development and confident behavior, according to the success programs that they conduct for personnel of leading Russian and global companies.

This book, revealing the content of such concepts as “adjustment”, “calibration”, “manipulation” and “counter-manipulation”, also contains numerous exercises, analysis life situations. The book is addressed to a wide circle readers, and the authors hope that it will help everyone become a true communication genius.

INTRODUCTION

People constantly communicate with each other. Work, leisure, family, friendships, raising children, relationships with the opposite sex - all this creates a huge information environment. A whole ocean in which each of us lives constantly.

And just like a real ocean, it has its own pitfalls, tsunami waves, warm passing currents and even treasures hidden in the depths. This means that effective communication is an important component for success in almost any field of activity. In fact, one often observes how one man walking in life, an ever-smiling lucky guy who is liked by people, enjoys success and easily gets everything he wants (as people say, “it just falls into place”), while the other, despite all his efforts, does not achieve his goals.

For some reason, if a person masters many different skills during his life, rightly believing that good education And vocational training open up many new opportunities and paths to success, many consider it unnecessary to learn to communicate effectively with other people. There are several common myths on this topic in society (hereinafter we will call myths the stable beliefs shared by in large groups people).

Why study communication? I can do that too! Of course, in some way we all communicate with each other. The only question is the effectiveness of this process. For some reason, no one considers it shameful to take driving courses, computer literacy or scuba diving. And at the same time, if relationships in the family or at work are not going well, a person is inclined to look for the reason anywhere, but not in himself. And most importantly, he does not know how to correct the situation, preferring to act out the same unsuccessful behavior patterns day after day, year after year.
The ability to please other people is a natural gift that you either have or you don’t. It is impossible to learn this. If you take this thesis on faith (like any other, however), then it is really impossible to learn to communicate with other people. Can you imagine if someone suddenly starts to consider, say, the ability to work with computer program Excel, dance salsa or cook borscht, some secret sacred knowledge, which is available only to the initiated and the elite? It's funny, isn't it? Especially when you consider that everyday practice shows that you can learn anything. Especially if you have desire, perseverance and faith that everything will work out.
Communication is a secondary goal. I'm not a piece of gold to please everyone. If a person is wrong, I tell him so, because it’s not in my rules to bend my heart. Of course, it is impossible to please absolutely everyone, and it is not necessary. It’s better not to communicate with people who for some reason are unpleasant to you. It’s another matter when seemingly close people (for example, husbands and wives, parents and children) spend for many years in a senseless struggle with each other and finding out whose truth is more correct. In addition, the ability to find common language with anyone (from successful businessman to a station homeless person, from an old teacher of Russian language and literature to a criminal authority) makes life a lot easier. And not someone else’s, but yours. Think about what is more important: is it tiresome to prove that you are right at every opportunity, or is it easy and simple to achieve your goals?

And, unfortunately, there are many such beliefs. The question arises - well, okay, but what to do?

Just as any house is built on a foundation, so every scientific or application area knowledge has its own axiomatic apparatus, i.e. a set of statements that in a given area are considered truth and are taken on faith. Psychologists have developed a number of basic beliefs, postulates, expressed in metaphorical form, which are most effective for “arrangement” good communication with other people.

Here are the main presuppositions with brief explanations:

1. The map is not the territory.

Each person has their own map of the world. This is perhaps the main presupposition. A map is an idea of the surrounding reality that each person creates based on own experience and according to your preferences. So, for example, if a gardener wants to plant a tree, then he does not argue like a philosopher whether the earth is dust or a shrine, does not admire the landscape and does not evaluate land plot from the reseller for its market value, and looks to see if it is suitable given land for a given tree. This is his idea and his map of reality.

Two surgeons approached the operating table on which lay a man injured in a car accident.

— How do you assess the patient’s condition, colleague? — I think at least a million dollars.

— Well, let's get started with the operation.

Indeed, if we believe that every person creates own performance about the world, i.e., a map of reality, then disputes about what is true or false disappear by themselves. If something is not in my map of reality, it does not mean that it does not exist at all, it is just not my map, not my idea. A wonderful opportunity also arises, which is expressed in the following presupposition.

2. Everyone creates their own reality.

Two former classmates met. One became rich and cool. The other is a typical “old Russian”.

Steep:

— Vitek, where are you now, how are you?

— Yes, how... So... Street vendor.

— Wow, great! And how much is one street now?

That is, you can arrange a cozy house for yourself, or you can create a prison cell with evil jailers. Or an attic with cobwebs and ghosts. In general, the scope for imagination is unlimited - what you expect is what you get.

3. The intention of any behavior is positive.

Yes, yes. And the neighbor who plays loud music at twelve at night, and the traffic cop who fined you today, and the boss who yelled for no reason - all of them do not pursue the goal of harming you. They have a positive intention (to relax after have a hard day, to earn money for diapers for a child, to gain self-respect, etc.), only they are sometimes expressed in a rather exotic way. And it’s not a fact that the most positive intention is addressed to you personally.

Mom puts me to bed little boy. He's crying. She sings a lullaby to the boy. The child continues to cry. Mom sings another lullaby. The child continues to cry. Mom sings the third, fourth...

The boy suddenly opens his eyes and says:

— Mom, I understand that you sing well, but finally let me get some sleep!

)

Untitled-17

UDC 159.9 BBK 88

Aksenov D.V., Borisova V.A.

A42 Genius of communication. — M.: Academic Project;

Trixta, 2004. - 112 p. — (Popular psychology). ISBN 5-8291-0456-3 (Academic Project) ISBN 5-902358-14-0 (Trixta)

This book, revealing the content of such concepts as “adjustment”, “calibration”, “manipulation” and “counter-manipulation”, also contains numerous exercises and analysis of life situations. The book is addressed to a wide range of readers, and the authors hope that it will help everyone become a true communication genius.

DK 159.9 BBK 88

ISBN 5-8291-0456-3 © Aksenov D.V., Borisova V.A., 2004

ISBN 5-9023558-14 -0 ® Academic Project, original layout, design, 2004 © Trixta, 2004

INTRODUCTION

People constantly communicate with each other. Work, leisure, family, friendly communication, raising children, relationships with the opposite sex - all this creates a huge information environment. A whole ocean in which each of us lives constantly.

And just like a real ocean, it has its own pitfalls, tsunami waves, warm passing currents and even treasures hidden in the depths. This means that effective communication is an important component for success in almost any field of activity. In fact, one often has to observe how one person goes through life as an ever-smiling lucky guy who is liked by people, enjoys success and easily gets everything he wants (as the people say, “it just comes into your hands”), while another, despite everything effort, does not achieve its goals.

For some reason, if a person masters many different skills throughout his life, rightly believing that good education and professional training open up many new opportunities and paths to success, then many people consider learning to communicate effectively with other people unnecessary. There are several common myths on this topic in society (hereinafter we will call stable beliefs shared by large groups of people myths).

Why study communication? I can do that too! Of course, in some way we all communicate with each other. The only question is the effectiveness of this process. For some reason, no one considers it shameful to take courses in driving, computer literacy or scuba diving. And at the same time, if relationships in the family or at work are not going well, a person is inclined to look for the reason anywhere, but not in himself. And most importantly, he does not know how to correct the situation, preferring to act out the same unsuccessful behavior patterns day after day, year after year.

The ability to please other people is a natural gift that you either have or you don’t. To learn this is not

Introduction

Maybe. If you take this thesis on faith (like any other, however), then it is really impossible to learn to communicate with other people. Can you imagine if someone suddenly starts counting, say, the ability to work with a computer? Excel program, dancing salsa or cooking borscht, some kind of secret sacred knowledge that is available only to the initiated and the elite? It's funny, isn't it? Especially when you consider that everyday practice shows that you can learn anything. Especially if you have desire, perseverance and faith that everything will work out. Communication is a secondary goal. I'm not a piece of gold to please everyone. If a person is wrong, I tell him so, because it’s not in my rules to bend my heart. Of course, it is impossible to please absolutely everyone, and it is not necessary. It’s better not to communicate with people who for some reason are unpleasant to you. It’s another matter when seemingly close people (for example, husbands and wives, parents and children) spend many years in a senseless struggle with each other and finding out whose truth is more correct. In addition, the ability to find a common language with anyone (from a successful businessman to a station homeless person, from an old teacher of Russian language and literature to a criminal authority) makes life much easier. And not someone else’s, but yours. Think about what is more important: is it tiresome to prove that you are right at every opportunity, or is it easy and simple to achieve your goals?

And, unfortunately, there are many such beliefs. The question arises - well, okay, but what to do?

Just as any house is built on a foundation, so each scientific or applied field of knowledge has its own axiomatic apparatus, i.e. a set of statements that in this field are considered truth and are taken on faith. Psychologists have developed a number of basic beliefs, postulates, expressed in metaphorical form, which are the most effective for “arranging” good communication with other people.

Here are the main presuppositions with brief explanations:

1. The map is not the territory. Each person has their own map of the world. This is perhaps the main presupposition. A map is an idea of the surrounding reality that each person creates based on his own experience and in accordance with his own

Introduction

our preferences. So, for example, if a gardener wants to plant a tree, then he does not argue like a philosopher whether the land is dust or a shrine, does not admire the landscape and does not evaluate the land plot from a reseller for its market value, but looks to see if the land is suitable for the given purpose. tree. This is his idea and his map of reality.

Two surgeons approached the operating table on which lay a man injured in a car accident.

— How do you assess the patient’s condition, colleague?

— I think at least a million dollars.

- Well, let's get started with the operation.

In fact, if you believe that each person creates his own idea of the world, i.e., a map of reality, then disputes about what is true or false disappear by themselves. If something is not in my map of reality, it does not mean that it does not exist at all, it is just not my map, not my idea. A wonderful opportunity also arises, which is expressed in the following presupposition.

2. Everyone creates their own reality. Two former classmates met. One became rich and cool. The other is a typical “old Russian”.

- Vitek, where are you now, how are you?

- Yes, how... So... Street vendor.

- Wow, cool] And how much is one street now?

3. The intention of any behavior is positive. Yes, yes. And the neighbor who plays loud music at twelve at night, and the traffic cop who fined you today, and the boss who yelled for no reason - all of them do not pursue the goal of bringing you justice. They have a positive intention (to relax after a hard day, to earn money for the child’s diapers, to gain self-respect, etc.), but they are sometimes expressed in a rather exotic way. And it’s not a fact that the most positive intention is addressed to you personally.

Introduction

Mom puts the little boy to bed. He's crying. She sings a lullaby to the boy. The child continues to cry. Mom sings another lullaby. The child continues to cry. Mom sings the third, fourth...

The boy suddenly opens his eyes and says:

- Mom, I understand that you sing well, but finally let me get some sleep!

4. People can't help but communicate. The meaning of communication lies in the reaction it evokes. And here it is reverse side the same medal. If you have a positive intention, be able to convey it to your interlocutor in such a way that you are understood correctly. He doesn't have to read minds.

A tear-stained young nun runs out of the doctor’s office.

- Doctor, what did you tell her?

- Nothing special. He said she was pregnant.

“But I stopped hiccupping.”

5. All our life experiences are encoded in our nervous system. Subjective experience consists of sights, sounds, senses, tastes and smells. Well, it's simple. A person receives information about the world through the senses. He then encodes and stores this information in the form of pictures, sounds or sensations in the body, and, if necessary, retrieves it from memory.

Doctor examines chest old ladies.

-What do you feel when squeezing?

— I remember my younger years.

6. People strive to find meaning in everything, i.e. the human brain not only encodes and stores information, but also structures, generalizes and attaches some meaning. And not always, when assessing the behavior of other people, we understand their true intentions. For example, if people laugh at you on the street, it is not a fact that they are laughing at you.

In a restaurant, a customer shouts loudly:

- Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup!! What does it mean?!

- Excuse me, sir, but I serve on the table, and do not interpret omens.

Introduction

7. To describe a system, you need to go beyond its limits. You can wander in a labyrinth for a long time without finding a way out. In this case, you and the labyrinth form a single system. If you rise and look from above, the exit is immediately visible.

A programmer comes to a pianist to look at a new piano. He walks around for a long time, grunts, then declares:

— The keyboard is inconvenient: only 84 keys, half are functional, none are labeled, although... pressing “shift” with your foot is original.

8. The system is controlled by the one who shows the greatest flexibility, i.e. the one who has reserves more behavior options. As the leader of the world proletariat used to say, “out of fifty attempts to accomplish the impossible, one usually succeeds. Provided that the attempts were varied.” As we know, he himself succeeded.

- Vovochka, your mom and dad are getting divorced. Who will you stay with?

Vovochka thinks for a long time, then asks: “Who will have the TV left?”

9. Consciousness and body are parts of the same cybernetic system. Try to spend little experiment- frown, slouch, look at the floor, tense the muscles of your neck and shoulders and be very happy about something. Did it work? Hardly. It is also difficult to be upset and sad with your head held high, your shoulders straight and a smile on your lips.

- Listen, how did your wife manage to lose weight so quickly?

“She has all her calories counted.” 40 Tic-Tac tablets for breakfast, 70 for lunch and 30 for dinner. But the weight is almost constant, the breath is fresh. True, weak...

10. There are no failures - there are only feedback. As experimental scientists say, “A negative result is also a result.” Each person learns based on his own life experience. Is there even one child who learned to walk without ever flopping? It’s just that a negative result can be assessed in different ways: as a tragedy or as an opportunity for development.

Introduction

- Lena, will you marry me?

- I'm not suggesting, I'm just asking.

11. If at least one person can learn to do something effectively, then others can learn it too. Sharing this belief, one always wonders; What does another person who has achieved success in any field do? And he begins to identify, copy and try on himself effective strategies behavior.

A new Russian meets a former classmate.

- Bro, what do you actually do? -Yes, I actually breed rabbits...

- Well, you are strong! How can you separate them if they have no idea?

12. Every problem has its own solution. If you believe this, you will search until you find it. If not, it’s easy to give up. For example, during the development of the 8mm “electric eye” movie camera, serious problems. The vice president of sales told the engineers that competitors had already made such a device. After 24 hours they had developed fundamentally new approach. Simply because they believed it was possible.

-You should stop drinking!

- It's too late for me.

- It's never too late! You still have a chance!

“In that case, I’ll use them and leave them later.”

13. Everyone has what it takes to make change and achieve success. The principle of the previous statement fully applies here. If I believe, I will search and achieve, if not, I will lie on the couch and wait for God knows what, complaining about poor health, severe political situation, oligarchs, communists and difficult childhood.

An old Jew prays in the synagogue:

- God, let me win the lottery!

Crying, praying, hitting his forehead on the floor. Angels in heaven cry and ask God:

- Well, let him win the lottery already, what will it cost you?

Introduction

God, wiping his tears:

- Yes, I would be glad. Let him buy a ticket at least once!

14. The universe we live in is friendly and abundant. This is perhaps the most controversial statement. I’ll tell you more secretly - this is not true, in fact, the Universe is indifferent and impartial, it is a mirror that reflects ourselves. And it depends only on us what we see in this mirror.

The professor entered the room of his patient in the psychiatric department. He saw the doctor, grabbed a chair and rushed towards him. The professor started to run. That one is behind him. The professor, breathing heavily, jumped out into the garden alley and accelerated. The pursuer, holding a chair above his head, did not lag behind. Finally, the professor was exhausted and looked doomedly at the patient. He put the chair on the ground and politely said: “Please sit down!”

The beliefs listed here ( life rules) is not the ultimate truth. It’s just something that’s more convenient to believe in order to make daily communication with other people more effective and enjoyable for yourself and the interlocutor.

Exercise "Chamomile"

Think of a situation that was problematic for you. For example, you had a fight with someone lately. Or you simply haven’t reached the necessary mutual understanding, and this worries you. If nothing like that comes to mind, please accept our congratulations; you don’t need to read this book further.

Do you remember? Write brief statements of the above beliefs (also called presuppositions) on separate sheets of paper. Lay them out on the floor in the shape of a circle, and stand in the center and once again thoroughly immerse yourself in your problem. For example, yesterday my boss yelled at me for no reason. I have to put up with this attitude because I don't want to lose my job.

Now step on a sheet of some presupposition (it doesn’t matter which one). And be imbued with this conviction as if it were the only truth in the world. For example, every person has what it takes to make change and achieve success. If I firmly believe this, then I

Introduction

he is a free person and owes nothing to anyone. Therefore, I decide for myself what to do in this or that case - whether to find new job or firmly but politely make it clear to Ivan Ivanovich that he does not intend to tolerate similar attitude. Or do something differently, as I see fit. Simply because I already have everything necessary for this, I just haven’t thought about it yet.

Now imagine yourself, standing in the center of the circle and dejected by such an insignificant problem, as it turned out. How do you see this person from the outside?

Step onto the next sheet and become imbued with a new conviction. What does your problem look like from the point of view of the “new truth”?

When you have gone through all the sheets, return to the center of the circle again. Try to associate with again problematic situation. Did it work? No? And rightly so. But did you have any new ideas? Congratulations.

In order to check the effectiveness of any presupposition, try to live at least one day as if it were the only truth. Live, think, act, communicate with people... And then look - what will change in your life?

If you suddenly don’t like it, you can always return to your old beliefs, because human psyche- the thing is flexible, can take any form.

Only I have never seen a person who would want to return to his old shell.

COMMUNICATION GOALS

Why are we communicating? What drives human behavior. Aimless communication. If interests do not coincide. How to win for everyone. How to correctly formulate the purpose of communication? Is a goal always needed? To achieve a goal, means are needed.

People are very strange creatures. At school they learn many subjects that will never be useful to them in their lives (except in exams, of course). Although, if you later go to work at a school, or you need to help your children study at the same school, then all of the above, of course, can come in handy.

Only for successful life For some reason, “mathematics”, “physics” and “social studies” are not enough. But for some reason they don’t teach the ability to communicate with people, plan your life, and achieve your goals at school. Moreover, all of the above have been elevated to the rank of talents, God's Gift(we already talked about this in the introduction).

A normal person, not burdened with such talents, drowns every day in the ocean of both necessary and unnecessary communication, while often remaining terribly lonely. “Nobody understands me!” “If only everyone would leave me alone, finally!” Have you, dear reader, ever heard such complaints from anyone? Or even say something similar to yourself or out loud, indignant and angry at the inability to break out of the vicious circle?

Please answer one simple question: why are you communicating? Only honestly. Are you hesitant? Is it difficult to answer right away? Right. Usually no one thinks in this direction - and completely in vain. In fact, at least one of the participants always has a goal. Another thing is that this goal is not always realized. No one thinks on a Saturday evening: “Now I’ll call a friend and invite him to drink beer. We will sit for three hours, talk about life, I will tell him about my new car, he will complain to me about his wife and mother-in-law. I need this to

get pleasure from communication, and at the same time assert yourself once again.” Brad, you say? But in vain. Indeed, this is often exactly what happens.

No one has ever counted how many days, months and years throughout our lives we spend in “passing”, aimless communication! Perhaps this time could be spent somehow more productively. How many times have you gotten the exact opposite result when communicating with someone? I wanted to meet a girl, but I got punched in the face, I wanted to ask my boss for an increase in salary, but I got a reprimand and a written note?

How, then, is the difference between effective communication and simple communication?

— Tell me, please, what is the difference between democracy and socialist democracy?

- About the same as between a regular chair and an electric chair.

But seriously, effective communication is distinguished by the following characteristics:

Firstly, having a clear goal, i.e., communicating with everyone specific person, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to first understand for yourself what you actually want from him? (It is not necessary to initiate your interlocutor into your plans. We will consider issues of implicit influence on a person in the chapter “Manipulation in communication and countermanipulation”). This helps to avoid big losses time and energy. Goals can be not only material (getting an increase in salary or persuading your husband to buy a new fur coat). It could be moral support, necessary for you or someone else, and self-affirmation, and receiving recognition, love, attention, and even just “happiness” human communication"! And also - exchange of information. tion. It’s another matter when one goal is stated, but a completely different one is implied (and implemented!).

The authors of the book are successful leaders of popular trainings on self-development and confident behavior, success programs that they conduct for personnel of leading Russian and global companies.
This book, revealing the content of such concepts as “adjustment”, “calibration”, “manipulation” and “counter-manipulation”, also contains numerous exercises and analysis of life situations. The book is addressed to a wide range of readers, and the authors hope that it will help everyone become a true communication genius.

INTRODUCTION
People constantly communicate with each other. Work, leisure, family, friendly communication, raising children, relationships with the opposite sex - all this creates a huge information environment. A whole ocean in which each of us lives constantly.
And just like a real ocean, it has its own pitfalls, tsunami waves, warm passing currents and even treasures hidden in the depths. This means that effective communication is an important component for success in almost any field of activity. In fact, one often has to observe how one person goes through life as an ever-smiling lucky guy who is liked by people, enjoys success and easily gets everything he wants (as the people say, “it just comes into your hands”), while another, despite everything effort, does not achieve its goals.
For some reason, if a person masters many different skills throughout his life, rightly believing that good education and professional training open up many new opportunities and paths to success, then many people consider learning to communicate effectively with other people unnecessary. There are several common myths on this topic in society (hereinafter we will call stable beliefs shared by large groups of people myths).
Why study communication? I can do that too! Of course, in some way we all communicate with each other. The only question is the effectiveness of this process. For some reason, no one considers it shameful to take courses in driving, computer literacy or scuba diving. And at the same time, if relationships in the family or at work are not going well, a person is inclined to look for the reason anywhere but in himself. And most importantly, he does not know how to correct the situation, preferring to act out the same unsuccessful behavior patterns day after day, year after year.
The ability to please other people is a natural gift that you either have or not. You can't learn this
Introduction
Maybe. If you take this thesis on faith (like any other, however), then it is really impossible to learn to communicate with other people. Can you imagine if someone suddenly begins to consider, say, the ability to work with the Excel computer program, dance salsa or cook borscht, as some kind of secret sacred knowledge that is available only to the initiated and the elite? It's funny, isn't it? Especially when you consider that everyday practice shows that you can learn anything. Especially if you have desire, perseverance and faith that everything will work out. Communication is a secondary goal. I'm not a piece of gold to please everyone. If a person is wrong, I tell him so, because it’s not in my rules to bend my heart. Of course, it is impossible to please absolutely everyone, and it is not necessary. It’s better not to communicate with people who for some reason are unpleasant to you. It’s another matter when seemingly close people (for example, husbands and wives, parents and children) spend many years in a senseless fight with each other and finding out whose truth is more correct. In addition, the ability to find a common language with anyone (from a successful businessman to a station homeless person, from an old teacher of Russian language and literature to a criminal authority) makes life much easier. And not someone else’s, but yours. Think about what is more important: is it tiresome to prove that you are right at every opportunity, or is it easy and simple to achieve your goals?
And, unfortunately, there are many such beliefs. The question arises - well, okay, but what to do?
Just as any house is built on a foundation, so each scientific or applied field of knowledge has its own axiomatic apparatus, i.e. a set of statements that in this field are considered truth and are taken on faith. Psychologists have developed a number of basic beliefs, postulates, expressed in metaphorical form, which are the most effective for “arranging” good communication with other people.
Here are the main presuppositions with brief explanations: 1. The map is not the territory. Each person has their own map of the world. This is perhaps the main presupposition. A map is an idea of the surrounding reality that each person creates based on his own experience and in accordance with his own
Introduction
our preferences. So, for example, if a gardener wants to plant a tree, then he does not argue like a philosopher whether the land is dust or a shrine, does not admire the landscape and does not evaluate the plot of land from a reseller for its market value, but looks at whether this land is suitable for the given tree. This is his idea and his map of reality.
Two surgeons approached the operating table on which lay a man injured in a car accident.
- How do you assess the patient’s condition, colleague?
- I think at least a million dollars.
- Well, let's start the operation.
In fact, if you believe that each person creates his own idea of the world, i.e., a map of reality, then disputes about what is true or false disappear by themselves. If something is not in my map of reality, it does not mean that it does not exist at all, it is just not my map, not my idea. A wonderful opportunity also arises, which is expressed in the following presupposition.
2. Everyone creates their own reality.
Two former classmates met. One became rich and cool. The other is a typical "old Russian".
Steep:
- Vitek, where are you now, how are you?
- Yes, how... So... Street vendor.
- Wow, cool] And how much is one street now?
That is, you can arrange a cozy house for yourself, or you can create a prison cell with evil jailers. Or an attic with cobwebs and ghosts. In general, the scope for imagination is not limited - what you expect is what you get.
3. The intention of any behavior is positive. Yes, yes. And the neighbor who plays loud music at twelve at night, and the traffic cop who fined you today, and the boss who yelled for no reason - all of them do not pursue the goal of bringing you justice. They have a positive intention (to relax after a hard day, to earn money for the child’s diapers, to gain self-respect, etc.), but they are sometimes expressed in a rather exotic way. And it’s not a fact that the most positive intention is addressed to you personally.
Introduction
Mom puts the little boy to bed. He's crying. She sings a lullaby to the boy. The child continues to cry. Mom sings another lullaby. The child continues to cry. Mom sings the third, fourth...
The boy suddenly opens his eyes and says:
- Mom, I understand that you sing well, but finally let me get some sleep!
4. People can't help but communicate. The meaning of communication lies in the reaction it evokes. But this is the other side of the same coin. If you have a positive intention, be able to convey it to your interlocutor in such a way that you are understood correctly. He doesn't have to read minds.
A tear-stained young nun runs out of the doctor’s office.
- Doctor, what did you tell her?
- Nothing special. He said she was pregnant.
- ."/."??
- But I stopped hiccupping.
5. All our life experiences are encoded in our nervous system. Subjective experience consists of images, sensory sounds, tastes and smells. Well, it's simple. A person receives information about the world through the senses. He then encodes and stores this information in the form of pictures, sounds or sensations in the body, and, if necessary, retrieves it from memory.
The doctor examines the chest of an old woman.
- What do you feel when squeezing?
- I remember my younger years.
6. People strive to find meaning in everything, i.e. the human brain not only encodes and stores information, but also structures, generalizes and attaches some meaning. And not always, when assessing the behavior of other people, we understand their true intentions. For example, if people laugh at you on the street, it is not a fact that they are laughing at you.
In a restaurant, a customer shouts loudly:
- Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup!! What does it mean?!
- Excuse me, sir, but I serve on the table, and do not interpret omens.
Introduction
7. To describe a system, you need to go beyond its limits. You can wander in a labyrinth for a long time without finding a way out. In this case, you and the labyrinth form a single system. If you rise and look from above, the exit is immediately visible.
A programmer comes to a pianist to look at a new piano. He walks around for a long time, grunts, then declares:
- The keyboard is inconvenient: only 84 keys, half are functional, none are labeled, although... Pressing “shift” with your foot is original.
8. The system is controlled by the one who shows the greatest flexibility, that is, the one who has a greater number of behavioral options. As the leader of the world proletariat used to say, “out of fifty attempts to accomplish the impossible, one usually succeeds. Provided that the attempts were varied.” As we know, he himself succeeded.
- Vovochka, your mom and dad are getting divorced. Who will you stay with?
Vovochka thinks for a long time, then asks: “Who will have the TV left?”
9. Consciousness and body are parts of the same cybernetic system. Try a little experiment - frown, slouch, look at the floor, tense the muscles of your neck and shoulders and be very happy about something. Did it work? Hardly. It is also difficult to be upset and sad with your head held high, your shoulders straight and a smile on your lips.
- Listen, how did your wife manage to lose weight so quickly?
- All her calories are counted. 40 Tic-Tac tablets for breakfast, 70 for lunch and 30 for dinner. But the weight is almost constant, the breath is fresh. True, weak...
10. There are no failures - there is only feedback. As experimental scientists say, “A negative result is also a result.” Every person learns from their own life experiences. Is there even one child who learned to walk without ever flopping? It’s just that a negative result can be assessed in different ways: as a tragedy or as an opportunity for development.
Introduction
- Lena, will you marry me?
- No.
- I'm not suggesting, I'm just asking.
11. If at least one person can learn to do something effectively, then others can learn it too. Sharing this belief, one always wonders; What does another person who has achieved success in any field do? And he begins to identify, copy and try on effective behavioral strategies.
A new Russian meets a former classmate.
- Bro, what do you actually do?
-Yes, I actually breed rabbits...
- Well, you are strong! How can you separate them if they have no idea?
12. Every problem has its own solution. If you believe this, you will search until you find it. If not, it’s easy to give up. For example, the development of the 8mm electric eye motion picture camera encountered serious problems. The vice president of sales told the engineers that competitors had already made such a device. Within 24 hours, they had developed a radically new approach. Simply because they believed it was possible.
- You should stop drinking!
- It's too late for me.
- It's never too late! You still have a chance!
- In that case, I'll use them and throw them later.
13. Everyone has what it takes to make change and achieve success. The principle of the previous statement fully applies here. If I believe, I will search and achieve, if not, I will lie on the couch and wait for God knows what, complaining about poor health, a difficult political situation, oligarchs, communists and a difficult childhood.
An old Jew prays in the synagogue:
- God, let me win the lottery!
Crying, praying, hitting his forehead on the floor. Angels in heaven cry and ask God:
- Well, let him already win the lottery, what will it cost you?