Definition - what is a model of confident behavior?

Confident behavior(or self-affirmation, self-confidence) involves expressing someone's feelings, preferences, needs or opinions - in a special manner that is neither threatening nor punitive towards another person. In addition, confident behavior excludes excessive worry, anxiety or fear that is untimely or disproportionate to the situation. Contrary to popular belief, the main purpose of self-affirmation is not to get what you want, and certainly not a way to control and manipulate other people. Confident behavior is a direct communication of your needs, desires, opinions - without punishing, threatening, or humiliating another person. It also implies standing up for one’s own, free from any unjustified fear. legal rights, and not infringing on the rights of other people. Thus, self-affirmation is neither a panacea nor a simple solution to the world's eternal problems - it is simply a way of immediate, direct and honest communication between individuals. The main emphasis is on your ability to express your feelings and opinions in an appropriate manner.

Assertive behavior should be viewed as a situation-dependent, specific behavior that is learned. What we mean here is that self-assertion, self-confidence, is not an innate quality - and it is not something that people have or do not have, like, say, blue eyes. It is a skill, or a way of behaving, that can be learned and thereby taught. Moreover, this is not necessarily the predominant mode of behavior. People cannot be self-confident and assert themselves in all situations. Most likely people learn in different ways behavior in different situations. The same person may have difficulty expressing disagreement with his parents, but not have the slightest difficulty disagreeing with friends. In both situations, the person learned to behave differently. Another person may behave quite normally, expressing their feelings and opinions with their parents, but feel confused when receiving compliments from their spouse. So you see that people are not generally overconfident or insecure, but their behavior depends on the situation.

Confident behavior consists of a range of behaviors addressed to different people. We grouped these models into three general categories: expression of positive feelings, self-affirmation, and expression negative feelings. Some of the people who play important role in self-affirmation, these are friends, spouses, loved ones (if you are not married), parents and other family members, public figures, business partners, colleagues and subordinates.

As you can see, expressing positive feelings includes the ability to give and receive a compliment, make a request, express sympathy, love and delight, and start and maintain a conversation. Self-assertion includes the expression of legal rights or refusal, the expression of personal opinion. Finally, negative emotions include the expression of reasonable (justified) irritation, displeasure and righteous anger.

How often you assert yourself certainly varies within specified categories- broad and generalized. It is possible that you assert yourself within one of these behaviors more often than others. For example, you may find it much easier to express your irritation than to ask someone else for something. Additionally, you may express your true feelings and intentions more often to some people than to others. Perhaps it is much easier for you to talk with your boss than with your brothers-in-law. As has already been said, assertive behavior is not a general way of behavior - it is a skill that we learn and that is relevant to the situation we are faced with. Other factors also influence the likelihood of assertive behavior. Some of them represent conventions accepted in a particular culture, as well as the people who are involved in this situation. These factors influence when confident behavior has a basis and foundation, which is the essence of appropriate and reasonable behavior.

The exercises in this collection have been modeled to teach you how to express yourself more effectively, give you a wider range of self-affirming behaviors, and teach you how to handle and interact with the wider range of people with whom you interact on a day-to-day basis.

Why is confident behavior so important?

There are a number of reasons that answer this question. First of all, the ability to express oneself seems to be a desirable and sometimes necessary skill for human survival. Among other things, the ability to act confidently is an important component by which mental health has been judged for many years. Individuals who have difficulty expressing themselves in many situations and with different people are often found to suffer from low self-esteem, depression, and undue insecurity in interpersonal situations. They report feeling undervalued, their services taken for granted, and taken advantage of by others. They also complain of various somatic or psychosomatic disorders, such as headache or stomach problems.

In contrast, people who have participated in training programs that develop conscious (responsible) assertive behavior often report increased feelings of self-esteem, positive reactions from others, decreased feelings of self-doubt in various social situations, improved interpersonal communication and a reduction in somatic disorders. The self-empowerment training course is neither a panacea nor a collection of pseudo-tips indicating how to act in specific situation; however, as we learn to assert ourselves, many of the accompanying phenomena we mentioned above make themselves felt. Thus, the ability to engage in assertive behavior that we choose and adopt consciously is a desirable skill to develop.

Development of insecure and confident behavior patterns

You're probably already wondering how you got into the habit of not asserting yourself in certain situations. There may be no simple answer to this question, and, of course, the answer will be different in each case, for each person. However, there are a number of factors including punishment, coercion, shaping conditions, lack of opportunity, cultural standards and personal beliefs, and lack of self-confidence that can all contribute to the development of self-doubt. Often people fail to assert themselves in a particular situation because they have previously been punished - either physically or verbally - for attempting to assert themselves in that situation. We were punished by our parents, teachers, and other people for a certain style of behavior. If you were punished as a child for expressing your opinions, particularly when they did not agree with the opinions of others, it is possible that you now feel uncomfortable or insecure in situations that require you to assert yourself. Feeling insecure or anxious is unpleasant for most of us, and it is something we try to eliminate or avoid. One of the ways to reduce anxiety in the above-mentioned situations is not to express your opinion, which means to behave unaffirmatively.

You may remember one of your teachers reprimanding you for answering a question incorrectly or asking a question that the teacher deemed inappropriate. Perhaps you remember being hurt by your teacher's contempt and embarrassed in front of your classmates. The anxiety caused by a few incidents such as these can precipitate an inability to express oneself freely in other group situations.

Similarly, you may remember as a child refusing to help your friend tidy up his playroom because that friend had deliberately left toys all over the room. Unfortunately, at this moment one of your parents, who did not understand the situation, came in and insisted that you were behaving incorrectly. You were forced to clean the room alone, and besides, you were sent to the bedroom - to sit there until the evening. In this situation, you were unfairly punished because you refused to fulfill an unreasonable request. After a series of similar experiences, you quickly learned that it is much better to give in to most requests than to be undeservedly punished for not fulfilling them.

So one of the ways we learn not to express ourselves in a certain situation is by being repeatedly punished for expressing ourselves in that situation, and thus developing a feeling of discomfort. We alleviate this feeling of discomfort by refusing to express ourselves, our feelings and opinions. Unfortunately, most often this leads to the development and development of such non-affirming reactions as passive disagreement, silence, or feigned agreement - shaking the head or expressing an opinion that differs from what we really think.

In addition, a person may learn to behave in an insecure, non-self-affirming manner because such a pattern of behavior is rewarded or imposed in similar situation. There is a very high probability that the pattern of behavior that is rewarded or imposed will be repeated in the future - in the same situation. Thus, if you behave insecurely, and others reward you for it, then most likely you will do the same again. Imagine, for example, that your friend asks you to make a special trip to the city center to pick up some package - but in such a way that he will not be late for his weekly game of cards. To fulfill a request means to create significant inconvenience for yourself at this moment. If you behave insecurely, do not defend your rights, and give in, it is quite possible that your friend will reward you and say something nice to you. And although you thought the request was inappropriate, your friend's intrusiveness increases the possibility that you will continue to hide your true feelings and give in to his/her requests in the future.

In many cases, punishing assertive behavior and imposing an insecure, compliant model occur simultaneously. For example, research in parenting has shown that many of the interpersonal communication patterns that children learn in school require them to be passive, to remain silent, and to keep their heads down and not rock the boat. An obedient, quiet child is most often valued and rewarded (supported) by teachers, while an inquisitive child with his own opinion may be seen as a troublemaker or a troublemaker and may be punished more often than his friend who asserts himself less. Thus, in formal upbringing, children often learn that it is better, or perhaps safer, to be seen but not heard.

The pattern of behavior that was typically enacted by important individuals in our environment as we grew up is another important source influencing the development of insecure, non-self-enhancing behavior. Much of what we learn happens through what we call modeling. Modeling involves observing and imitating the behavior of people significant to us. For example, if your parents rarely expressed their feelings of love openly, it is possible that you, too, have learned to hide this feeling. Likewise, if your parents habitually acquiesced to the requests of others, even when it caused significant inconvenience, you most likely learned to accommodate others by denying yourself. Perhaps you remember your neighbor who always borrowed, but rarely returned, his father's instruments, which he received as a prize. And even though Dad grumbled and complained about it behind this neighbor's back, he continued to borrow these tools because he felt obligated to behave like good neighbor. Are you now repeating the same pattern of behavior with your friends and neighbors?

A fourth contributing factor is a lack of opportunity to develop appropriate behavior. Many people behave insecurely in social situations, giving up their rights because they have not had the opportunity in the past to learn appropriate behavior patterns. Finding themselves in a new situation, they are lost - they do not know how to react, and on top of everything else, they feel insecure due to a lack of knowledge in general. For example, a freshman in college who is just starting to date because his/her parents previously thought it was too early for him/her to do so may feel insecure because I didn't know how to start a conversation during a date, or I could not squeeze out a word, since I had never had such conversations before. The person reports that he/she was too passive because... didn't know how to behave. Another example was shared by someone who reported difficulty communicating with salespeople because my parents used to take care of this for me and I never addressed special attention and didn't worry about how to handle situations where I didn't like what the salesperson showed me.

Another factor includes cultural standards and personal beliefs that serve as learned injunctions against assertive behavior. Different cultural groups teach their members different behaviors in social situations. For example, one woman stated that the cultural standards she learned as a child were completely unhelpful and unfruitful for her as an adult and professional. She said that she was raised in a Latin American country where she was taught that women should be passive and not express their opinions openly. However, as an adult and in the United States, she found that she felt extremely tense and awkward, constrained because she was often asked to express her opinion, in particular about professional work. The cultural standards she learned as a child conflicted with the demands of her personal and professional life as an adult and caused her significant discomfort and confusion.

In addition to cultural standards, there are a wide variety of personal beliefs that can be associated with assertive behavior. We learn and act on beliefs like if you can't say anything nice about someone, then don't say anything at all, everyone should love me. To build your behavior in strict dependence on these and similar attitudes - this most often means a ban on expressing your feelings, attitudes, opinions.

Finally, people often fail to engage in assertive behavior because they are unsure of their rights in a given situation. It is quite possible that they never knew what their rights were. If you are not confident in your rights, and in the rights of others, the prospect of confident, affirming behavior in a given situation is significantly reduced.

This manual aims to help you develop confident, self-affirming behavior - in situations in which you previously behaved insecurely. In many ways, the development of self-affirming behavior goes on the same principles as the insecure one. Thus, as you learn assertive behavior, we will ask you to develop opportunities and situations that require assertive behavior, and to practice assertive behavior regularly and reward yourself for it. In addition, we will ask you to examine your cultural standards and beliefs that may prohibit you from acting confidently in a particular situation.

How to distinguish between insecure (non-self-affirming), aggressive and confident behavior

In order to behave in a self-affirming manner in a given situation, you must understand what it is all about - confident behavior. The most effective way to understand this is to compare the behavior pattern in question with an aggressive and uncertain response to the situation. This method was proposed by R. Alberti and M.L. Emmons - Your legal right: Recommendations for developing assertive behavior (R.E. Alberti, M.L. Emmons, Your perfect Right: A Guide to Assertive Behavior).

Uncertain behavior

When a person behaves insecurely in a particular situation, he/she fails to express his/her feelings, needs, opinions, preferences, or he/she may express them indirectly, by hints, in an indirect or hidden manner. For example, while verbally agreeing to do something, such a person is not really interested in it, or he fails to ask for something, even if this only means making it clear that he rejects or does not accept someone’s opinion, interests, needs. The following may accompany verbal refusal or denial: nonverbal cues insecure behavior such as avoidance of direct gaze, speech patterns indicating hesitation, quiet voice, tense body position, nervous or inappropriate movements.

Statements such as I think we could go to the cinema or I would like to know someone who would be willing to teach me how to jack up a car indicate indirect, implicit verbal messages that are hidden behind it, based on which the interlocutor must guess , to draw a conclusion about what the speaker wants and what he really thinks. One of the difficulties when dealing with indirect, incomplete, or implicit communication is that it can be interpreted in a variety of ways, and thus there is a high likelihood that it can be misunderstood. The reason for this is that this behavior sends different messages at the same time. In some cases, a person's verbal and nonverbal behavior are incompatible or contradictory. In words, the person says that he/she would be glad to provide this courtesy, but at the same time he/she looks dissatisfied. In other cases, the verbal message itself is inconsistent - for example, dinner at Andre's is not a bad idea, but do you know anyone who would really like eating at that restaurant?

To behave insecurely in a given situation is to give up or limit your rights because you fail to express your feelings, or you express them indirectly. Additionally, when you act insecure, you place the responsibility for making decisions that affect everyone in the situation solely on other people.

The explanation for this behavior can be a number of consequences that are undesirable for both persons - for the one who behaves insecurely and for the one with whom he is dealing. The likelihood that someone who is insecure will have their needs met, or that their opinions will be properly understood, is greatly reduced due to lack of communication, incompleteness, or omission. A person who behaves insecurely will often feel misunderstood, pushed around, and used. In addition, it is likely that he/she may be angry about the outcome of the situation, or feel hostility or frustration towards the other person. He/she may feel bad due to his/her inability to adequately express his/her opinions/feelings. This can lead to feelings of guilt, depression, anxiety and low self-esteem. People who behave in a characteristic, insecure manner in a number of situations may develop psychosomatic ailments such as headaches and ulcers due to the suppression of pent-up emotions. In the future, if the same situation in which a person behaves in an uncertain way is repeated, an explosion of his emotions may follow. There is a limit to the suppression of personal interests that a person keeps within himself. Unfortunately, at such a moment, the degree of frustration or anger expressed is most often not appropriate to the specific situation being overthrown.

A person with an insecure behavior pattern may also experience a number of negative consequences. Having to constantly guess what a person is really trying to say or read their mind is hard and cumbersome work that can lead to feelings of depression, frustration, or anger towards the person who is behaving in an uncertain manner. Worrying about whether you've understood someone correctly or feeling guilty because you've taken advantage of someone who doesn't say what they really think is very unpleasant and, as a result, weakens any positive feelings that you feel for him. After all, it is a heavy burden to have to make decisions for another person and then discover that they are dissatisfied with the choices you made for them.

Aggressive behavior

In aggressive behavior, a person expresses their feelings and opinions, but does so in a rude, threatening, offensive, demanding, or hostile manner. A person with behavior that, in a particular situation, is aggressive, neglects or infringes on the rights of others. Thus, in aggressive behavior, the feelings and rights of the other person who is the object of aggression are taken into account very little, if not at all. Finally, a person who behaves aggressively in a given situation assumes very little responsibility for the consequences of his actions.

Aggressive behavior in a certain situation can be expressed directly or indirectly. Direct verbal aggression includes verbal attacks, name-calling, threats, humiliation, and hostile remarks. The nonverbal component may include hostile or threatening gestures such as waving a fist, defiant look and physical attack. Here are examples of verbally aggressive statements:

Come on, lend me $5.

Whether you want it or not, you will come with me.

Indirect verbal aggression includes sarcastic remarks, snarky comments, and malicious gossip. Indirect and nonverbal aggression includes physical gestures made when someone else's attention is directed elsewhere, or physical actions, directed at other people and objects.

Sarcasm. A colleague gave you the final draft of his half of a report on a project you've been working on together for some time. You read it and find that it needs a lot of work. Instead of telling him/her directly, you sarcastically say: Hey Joe/Jane! This report you gave me isn't too bad for a first draft.

Evil gossip. You're really angry with your neighbor because a month ago you told him you were planning a party on Independence Day. Finally, everything is ready, you just didn’t have time to send out the invitations, and now you receive a similar invitation from him/her for the same day. Instead of confronting him/her, you start telling the other neighbors that this person stole your idea, that they shouldn't go to this party because he/she is only using them, that you can't trust him/her that he/she is throwing this party only because he/she has problems with his/her spouse and he/she wants to impress his/her significant other.

The main feature of aggressive behavior is achieving one’s goals in a situation where the interests of other people are little taken into account, and also at their expense. Aggressive behavior is often viewed as pushy behavior as someone trying to achieve their goals at any cost, pushing people away and other obstacles along the way.

Aggressive behavior often leads to undesirable consequences for both the aggressor and the target of aggression, i.e. recipient. The negative effect of such behavior for the recipient is obvious - his rights are violated. He/she may feel humiliated, infringed, or violated. In addition, the recipient may feel hurt or angry and desire revenge, directly or indirectly.

Although a person who behaves aggressively in a given situation may achieve the desired goals, he/she may experience undesirable consequences both immediately and subsequently. As a result, aggressive behavior often leads to immediate and more powerful, direct co-aggression - in the form of physical or verbal abuse. Aggression can also lead to indirect counteraggression in the form of a softly delivered sarcastic barb or a challenging glare. Long-term effects may include tension in interpersonal relationships with another person, or his attempts to avoid subsequent contact. After aggressive behavior, a person may suffer from feelings of guilt and reproach himself for his behavior. However, since he/she has already achieved the desired goal imposed by aggressive behavior, most likely he/she will continue to behave aggressively in a similar situation in the future, and will simply tolerate the remorse that may then arise - and then if they are noticeable enough.

Confident behavior

Assertive behavior involves directly expressing one's feelings, needs, defending legal rights, or opinions - without threatening or infringing on others. In addition, confident behavior eliminates excessive or inappropriate levels of fear or anxiety. This nonverbal behavior, like gaze, facial expression, body position, tone and volume of voice, are also important and can add or refute something to what is stated in words. These behaviors must be in harmony with the verbal content of the self-affirming message. For example, when someone expresses feelings of love, the tone and volume of their voice sounds completely different than when expressing frustration or displeasure.

In contrast to being insecure, assertive behavior means expressing one's feelings and opinions honestly and openly, rather than hidden hopes that the other person will understand someone else's thoughts. For example, instead of hesitantly saying to your neighbors: Do you have eggs at home?, you should say: Do you have two eggs - can you lend me for the pie I'm going to bake tonight? In a hesitant remark, your neighbors do not know that you are going to borrow two eggs from them. In fact, they may think that you have extra ones that you can lend them. In a confident statement, you clearly state that you would like to borrow two eggs. It's hard to imagine your neighbors misunderstanding this direct request. It is important to emphasize that no matter how many eggs your neighbors have, be it two or a thousand, they are not obliged to lend you these eggs, regardless of the manner in which you ask for it. It's up to you to ask in a confident manner that makes your request clear, while respecting the other person's response. Depending on your neighbor's answer, you may or may not need to repeat your request. If your neighbor gives a definite answer like, of course, here are two eggs for you, or sorry, I can’t borrow two eggs today, then you must respect other people’s wishes. However, if your neighbor asks Well, how much do you need? or Do you really need them today? you should answer his/her question and repeat your request if necessary. A repeated request seems appropriate if a clear answer is not received. There is a constant need for clarification of what may be appropriate and confident in a particular situation.

An aggressive approach to the request in this situation may be expressed in the demand for these two eggs, or in repeated requests when a final answer has been received. In addition, the demand for two eggs may be accompanied by sarcastic or derogatory comments and hostile gestures. For example:

First: Hey, give me a couple of eggs. I'll bake a pie in the evening.

Second: You know, I really don’t have enough of them, now I bake them myself and I need the eggs myself. No, actually, I can't lend them to you.

First: Come on, don't make a problem. Just give me two eggs.

In this situation, it seems that the first person is trying to force or force the second person to satisfy their needs. The behavior demonstrated by the first is an attempt to infringe on the rights of the second in a given situation.

The main goal of assertive behavior is not to achieve your goals at any cost. Rather, his goal is to communicate his needs, opinions, etc. in a clear, direct, and non-offensive manner. Provided that all this is in place, the chances of achieving your goals without infringing on the rights of others increase.

Confident behavior is expressed in the recognition of rights, awareness of one’s responsibility and all the consequences. A person expressing himself in a given situation must understand what his rights are in this situation, and what the rights of others are. The person must also be clear about his/her responsibilities in this situation and the consequences that expressing his/her feelings may entail. For example, if your friend was unable to make an appointment and did not call you to let you know that everything was cancelled, you have the right to express your feelings, but you should find out if he had any special circumstances. You should listen to your friend's explanation if the situation was unavoidable (someone got sick unexpectedly, the car broke down in a place where there were no telephones nearby, etc.). You will want to express your attitude, your feelings, but keeping in mind the consequences of what you say. For example, if your friend simply forgot or decided to go somewhere else, you need to be aware of the consequences of how you express your anger. Of course, your friend will feel a little upset, but overall he will likely not want to do this in the future, thereby increasing the likelihood that a more satisfying relationship will develop between you.

Does confident behavior always mean that there is no conflict between two parties? No. A complete absence of conflict between them is impossible. There are some situations in which assertive behavior is appropriate and desirable, but may cause some frustration and irritation to the other person. For example, returning a product that is defective due to the manufacturer's fault to an employee of an empty warehouse, in a self-affirming manner or in some other manner, may not cause warm feelings. Likewise, expressing justified irritation or legitimate criticism in an appropriate manner may cause initial negative reaction. Weighing all the consequences for both parties that may follow immediately or later is what is important. We believe that, by and large, assertive behavior aims to increase favorable and reduce unfavorable consequences for people.

Confident behavior in a given situation generally leads to favorable consequences for the people involved. A person who has expressed himself may or may not achieve his goals, but in general he feels better about being able to express his opinion. Clearly stating your position is likely to increase the likelihood that the other person will respect that position and behave accordingly. Thus, people who behave confidently in a certain situation - such people express their rights, make their choices, make their own decisions and take responsibility for their behavior.

Favorable consequences are also possible for the person who is the object of confident behavior in this situation. They communicate with this person clearly and clearly, no one manipulates him - in contrast to unexpressed and implicit communication (through omissions, hints), which refers to uncertain behavior. In addition, he/she receives rather a request for a new behavior ( behavioral sign) or a statement indicating the position of another person, rather than the demand of a new behaviorist, which most likely indicates aggression. As a result, there is very little room for misinterpretation. Also, the other person may disagree with what assertive behavior refers to, may accept it, or may like it (I love you; I like your dress; I'm angry that you didn't call me as promised; I don't feel like letting you drive my car), the manner in which this is communicated does not infringe on his/her rights, humiliate him/her, or force him/her to make a different decision or take responsibility for someone else's behavior.

What happens when both parties engage in self-enhancing behavior in a situation? This may be a very desirable state of affairs. If the positions or opinions of the two parties are compatible, then both parties will be satisfied with their interaction. If positions are incompatible, then both parties can clearly acknowledge this and try to find a compromise or negotiate - if they wish to do so or if they simply respect the other's right to disagree and do not try to force their demands on each other. In the latter case, one can feel satisfied that he/she has expressed himself/herself, recognizing and accepting the fact that his/her goal may not be achieved.

Ways to develop self-confidence

§1. What is confident and insecure behavior?

Main feature insecure personality is that in social activities people who are insecure tend to avoid any form of personal expression as much as possible. Any form of presentation of personal opinions, achievements, desires and needs is either extremely unpleasant for them (due to feelings of fear, shame, guilt associated with self-expression), or impossible (due to the lack of appropriate skills), or does not make sense within the framework of their system of values ​​​​and ideas .

The “behavioral” basis of self-confidence has been studied in most detail in modern psychology. The cause of self-doubt may be a lack of behavior patterns that should ensure full mastery social reality, rigidity and inadaptability of a small number of behavioral alternatives. An adult must have: the ability to speak openly about his desires and requirements; the ability to say "No"; the ability to talk openly about your positive and negative feelings; ability to establish contacts, start and end conversations.

The presence of these skills is a necessary, but not yet sufficient prerequisite for self-confidence. Analyzing the characteristics of self-confident behavior, psychologists were faced with the problem of determining the fine line between confidence and aggressiveness.

Some, like Volpe, saw no difference between them at all. Moreover, training in assertive and aggressive self-affirmation was practiced as a method of correcting uncertainty. Others (such as A. Lange and P. Jakubowski) believed that confidence is something between aggressiveness and uncertainty, something that has clear differences both from one and from the other. Still others argued that aggressiveness and uncertainty are essentially two different forms of manifestation of lack of confidence, in which energy unrealized in external interaction, caused by the actualization of certain needs, is transferred either inside the body itself and leads to auto-destruction (most often to neuroticism), or turns against others and leads to unjustified aggressiveness. But most authors believe that aggressiveness and uncertainty are two different personality traits. This is confirmed, in particular, by very low correlations on the scales of aggression and self-confidence.

A high degree of confidence and aggressiveness can coincide if, through aggressive actions, a person easily and reliably achieves the fulfillment of his needs and does not see any negative side effects. In this case, aggressiveness should be understood as another, along with confidence, personality trait personality. Likewise, insecurity and aggression can coexist if someone's behavioral repertoire includes only aggressive behavior. Even if aggressiveness does not bring anything, a person continues to behave aggressively whenever, overcoming uncertainty, he nevertheless decides to do something. But most often, self-confident people are extremely rarely aggressive, since other, non-aggressive actions are quite sufficient for a life that suits them.

There are also obvious and easy-to-observe behavioral characteristics that distinguish confident people.

Let us name only the most clear differences between confident, insecure and aggressive behavior. Confident people speak loudly and clearly, but never resort to shouting, often look into the eyes of their interlocutor, but do not “drill their eyes into the interlocutor’s eyes,” and always maintain the optimal communication distance, without approaching the interlocutor closely. Confident people know how to pause in a conversation, rarely interrupt their partners, and are able to express their thoughts clearly and clearly.

In words (in the verbal plane), self-confident people openly talk about their feelings, desires and claims, accompanying them with a brief and clear justification, often use the pronoun I, and are not afraid of expressing personal opinions. Insults, reproaches, and accusations are rarely heard from self-confident people. They express all claims to others on their own behalf (6).

1. Emotionality of speech, which corresponds to the open, spontaneous and genuine expression in speech of all experienced feelings. A confident person “calls his feelings by their proper names” and does not force his conversation partner(s) to guess what exactly the feeling is behind his words. He does not seek to hide or “soften” the manifestations of his positive and negative feelings.

2. Clear expression of feelings in the nonverbal plane and correspondence between words and nonverbal behavior.

3. The ability to confront and attack, expressed in direct and honest terms own opinion, without regard for others, is also characteristic of confident behavior.

4. A self-confident person does not seek to hide behind vague formulations. Self-confident people use the pronoun “I” more often than other people.

5. They are not characterized by self-deprecation and underestimation of their strengths and qualities; they are able to listen to praise addressed to them without hesitation.

6. The ability to improvise, i.e. to spontaneous expression of feelings and needs is also characteristic of self-confident people.

Causes of insecure behavior.

There are several complementary explanations for the causes of self-doubt. The simplest explanation comes from Albert Bandura's theory of “learning from models.” According to this theory, a new repertoire of aggressive, confident or uncertain behavior skills arises as a result of imitation - the child copying those behavioral stereotypes that he has the opportunity to observe around him. Parents, relatives, and friends serve as “models” for copying (11).

Another, no less popular explanation of uncertainty can be considered the theory of “learned helplessness” by Martin Seligman. He suggested that the formation of a child’s personality is influenced not only by “models” used for copying, but also by the reaction of parents, and more broadly, by the entire surrounding social environment. This feedback allows (or does not allow) the child to relate different stereotypes social behavior with different reactions from the social environment.

The feeling of helplessness occurs when external events proceed completely independently of our voluntary actions (objective conditions of helplessness), or if it seems to us that they proceed independently of us (subjective conditions).

Further, another explanation for uncertainty may be the absence or lack of faith in the effectiveness of one's own actions. Low self-efficacy arises as a result of massive negative assessments from loved ones and teachers, which subsequently change into negative self-assessments of one’s own intentions and capabilities.

From the above explanations of the causes of uncertainty, it does not in any way follow that self-confidence is inherent, so to speak, from birth. A child is born with certain inclinations and abilities, perhaps with some physical or mental disabilities. These inclinations, abilities and shortcomings make the task of socialization easier or more difficult, but do not directly and directly determine the formation of the level of self-confidence.

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Lesson 9.

Topic: Confident Behavior

Goal: to gain experience of confident behavior in simulated communication situations, to introduce the signs of confident and uncertain behavior.

Game "Eye Contact"

Everyone stands in a circle and tries to meet someone’s gaze; When two succeed, they change places.

Exercise “Confidence, uncertainty”

Now we will throw a ball to each other and at the same time say associations associated with the word “confidence” (calmness, strength...) And now we will feel a state of self-confidence: we walk with a confident gait, sit confidently on a chair, look at each other confidently, shake confidently neighbor's hand.

Discussion.

Then the psychologist suggests feeling the insecure behavior.

Discussion.

Lecture material by a psychologist.

Confident behavior depends on a person’s inner position. Signs of confident behavior (I am good, you are good), a person has three needs: understanding, respect, acceptance. Only by satisfying these needs will we come into contact with a person, and they are satisfied with confident behavior. Confident person:

· Uses “I am a statement”;

· Applies empathic listening;

· Able to talk about his desires;

· Reflects feelings;

· Knows how to ask;

· Able to refuse;

· Able to accept refusal;

· Speaks directly and openly;

· Prone to compromises, offers them himself.

Signs of insecure behavior (I am bad, you are good):

· The person looks at the floor;

· Cannot defend his position;

· The first “no” leads to his refusal to further attempts to achieve his goal;

· Doesn't know how to ask;

· Cannot refuse;

· It is difficult for him to convince his interlocutor by giving arguments;

· Answers in monosyllables “yes”, “no”;

· Doesn't sit down when talking;

· Hides legs under chair;

· Keeps a long distance from the interlocutor;

· Wrinkles his hands, speaks quietly.

Exercise "No"

Divide into pairs, one has any object in his hands, the second’s task is to beg for the object by any means. The first player’s task is not to give up the item, while clearly and confidently saying “no.” Change roles. Discussion. Was it easy to ask? Was it easy to refuse?

Practicing skills of confident behavior.

The psychologist proposes situations, they are played out by those who wish and then analyzed by the whole group.

If teenagers offer their own situation that is relevant to them, you can analyze it.

1. You and your friend are going to the cinema, meet him at the entrance, and then it turns out that he forgot his tickets.

Play this situation taking into account the following characteristics:

· You are not very confident in yourself, and your friend, the life of any company, is a little selfish;

· You are a leader, a friend – timid and shy.

The discussion depends on how the situation plays out. Are teenagers satisfied with the proposed solution, what feelings do the heroes of the situation experience?

2. The girl has been waiting for the boy for forty minutes, he appears very upset.

3. your friend borrowed your textbook. Tomorrow is the test, and the textbook is needed. You call a friend and ask to urgently return the textbook. The friend replies that he will bring it now, an hour passes - there is no friend. Your actions.

Exercise "Symbol"

The teenager is asked to draw a symbolic image of “Belief in oneself” on sheets of paper. Then, if desired, they talk about their symbols.

Exercise "Piggy Bank"

The psychologist talks about how a person feels confident, relying on internal (mental abilities, spiritual qualities, skills) or external (family, friends, nature, hobbies) sources of strength. Together with teenagers, their “piggy bank” is collected - these are the qualities, abilities, achievements that can help a person realize his confidence.

Exercise "My Resources"

Teenagers are given cards with positive statements, the guys mark those that suit them:

I can do this.

I always think that one small effort will bring results.

I'm skilled enough to do the job well.

I can change as I see fit.

I have the right to speak out loud about my opinion.

My opinion may differ from others.

I feel valuable and unique.

I understand that I am capable of a lot.

I am aware of the richness of my inner world.

Reflection

Farewell ritual.

Subject: Confident behavior.

Criteria for confident behavior

Compiled by:

Maksimyak E.N.

I block. Confident behavior

Target: developing the skill of confident behavior in society.

Tasks:

Restoring communication skills.

Introduction to theoretical material.

Formation of an attitude towards self-analysis and mandatory success.

Planned time - 2 hours 40 minutes.

Feedback.

Purpose of the exercise : warm-up, developing the ability to speak and listen to compliments.

- Let's start today with a game. Taking turns throwing this ball to each other, we will talk about the unconditional merits and strengths of the one to whom the ball is thrown. We will be careful to ensure that everyone has the ball.

Self Confidence - one of the most interesting properties human psyche. Different people have completely different meanings for the word “confidence.”

In your opinion, what is confidence?

What signs indicate confident behavior?

Most people associate confident behavior with self-confident, aggressive behavior, when a person can walk in and say: “I’m the boss here.”Confident behavior - this is socially competent behavior that allows you to achieve your goal without the use of violence and coercion. It is characterized by certain intonations of voice, certain gestures, knowledge of one's rights and the ability to present them, or refusal to do something when forced. Very great value has the ability to say “No”.

People are afraid to say no. “Well, yes, if you say “no”, they will immediately kick you out.” An elementary fear arises that you cannot say “no”. You need to know your rights to be sure. And not only know, but also be able to defend your rights. The very first rule: you just need to know that you exist, that you exist. This is not a violation of the rights of other people.

Example: One guy who was with the specialist as a patient. Disheveled, unkempt, with animated gestures, he was part of a criminal gang. They walked in flocks and took off their hats. A few years later, he adapted socially and told the following story: “We walked around in a crowd of boys, and if we saw that a person was unsure, we could take off his hat even during the day. And what’s interesting is that he didn’t even scream. We approached, someone took off his hat, and calmly left, and he silently plopped somewhere in the winter without a hat. And there have been other cases when, even at night, we are walking in a crowd, and a man meets us, and it is clear from him that he is a confident person. We didn't touch him. Please teach people to behave confidently on the streets.” This is told by a guy who was in these groups. When a person is confident in himself, he can very calmly talk about the feelings that arise about this or that event, this or that action. And talking about these feelings is an expression of confident behavior.

There are three key definitions:

. "Self-confidence - this is the belief that there is something more in us than we know about ourselves." Everyone has hidden potential! Think about it, once upon a time you didn’t even know how to walk! And now? There was a time when you couldn't read or write, couldn't swim or drive a car. You have gradually mastered all this. After all, man is a learnable creature. Moreover, it learns quite quickly. If you are not able to do something now, this does not mean that it will be like this for the rest of your life.

. Self Confidence - this is the belief that in a difficult situation you can rely on yourself)). We've all had it more than once in our lives difficult moments. Sometimes we could only rely on ourselves, sometimes we could also rely on the help of others. And yet there is no person who at least once would not be forced to act in the example of Baron Munchausen: to pull himself out of the swamp by his own hands.

. "Self-confidence depends on the answer to the question: Who are you in this world -exclusive or mediocre (mediocre person, middle management) mediocre (nothing special)?” Really, who are you?upstart (a person who moved too quickly or took a prominent position public place not according to merit) or"man from the crowd" ?

I ask this question to all of you since it comes to confidence.

Under self-confidence understand a person’s ability to present their demands and requests in the process of communicating with others and achieve their implementation. In addition, confidence includes the ability to allow yourself to have requests and demands, to dare to express them, and to have the skills to implement them.

What is confident or insecure behavior?

The main feature of an insecure person is that in social activities, insecure people strive to avoid any forms of personal self-expression to the maximum extent possible.

Psychologist Lazarus identified four groupspy skills,which, in his opinion, are sufficient for full-fledged life activity, and, consequently, for self-confidence. According to A. Lazarus, an adult must have:ability fromtalk privately about your desires and demands;ability to say"No";ability openlytalk about your positive and negative feelings;ability to installcontacts, start and end a conversation.Self-confidence has a magical effect on those around you. The ability to behave confidently in any situation is a resource that can increase everyone’s chances of achieving anything. So, for example, it is no secret that the best position, the best salary, etc., often do not always go to the most professional and competent, but - almost always - to the one who knows how to behave more confidently, to “sell” himself - that is why confidence is considered one of the most important components of such a phenomenon as charisma. Confident behavior is necessary both for sellers of different stripes - retail, “active”, “consultative”, etc., and for managers - it allows not only to effectively distribute workload and set goals, but also to behave flexibly with different ones - incl. not always constructive - subordinates, etc. If we talk about conflict situations, then we can say for sure that the importance of confident behavior in them simply cannot be overestimated - for example, it is difficult to imagine an employee of the claims service or a financial controller who is insecure.

What does it mean to be confident? Looking confident and feeling confident are not the same thing, and you need to learn to show external confidence while maintaining internal confidence. What do you need to learn in order to difficult situations be able to behave confidently? To begin with, we need to learn to clearly define the difference between aggressive, compliant and confident behavior, and understand how others will behave depending on our behavior. Why, for example, does our some harmless question cause a violent reaction from our interlocutor, or is our interlocutor for some reason offended by our desire to help? A possible answer is that your posture at the time of asking indicated that you were not so much asking as you were “pushing”, or the offer of help was made in an irritated tone. Thus, the first thing we need to learn is to bring our words into line with body language and voice, clearly realizing what can be understood by the interlocutor as a manifestation of aggression, and what as a manifestation of uncertainty. That is, at the first stage we learn to recognize and “depict” confidence.

The next most important component, without which effective business communication is impossible, is managing emotions. The key task here is not to suppress, hide or restrain one’s emotions - everyone knows that sooner or later they will “break through” anyway; The main step towards managing your emotions is the ability to express your emotions correctly so that the feelings you experience do not deprive you of the ability to think sensibly and act rationally. There is a point of view that we live when we experience any feelings, however, if you do not know how to manage your emotions, then your emotions will control you. There is another well-known thought: “Whoever causes your anger controls you.” Thus, we need the ability to manage our emotions in order to fully manage our lives.

The next item on our list is the ability to clearly and understandably express your thoughts. Often, and especially in a controversial situation, we unconsciously proceed from the premise that our position is absolutely clear and understandable to our opponent, but as a rule, this is not the case! We may get rejected or irritate our interlocutor simply because we have been beating around the bush for too long and confusedly. Thus, the next thing you need to work on is the ability to briefly and succinctly formulate the essence of your message or request.

No less important is the ability to refuse, and to do it in such a way that you yourself are not left with a feeling of guilt, and the one you refused leaves without resentment towards you. Different in content, but similar in the techniques used, is the situation when you need to tell someone bad news, or give an unpleasant order, etc. The skills described above - managing emotions and expressing your thoughts - will allow you to refuse firmly enough (to avoid the interlocutor temptation to enter into a discussion, “beg, etc.), but correctly (without emotional involvement).

Often, various “cockroaches” on the topic “what is good and what is bad” interfere with behaving confidently. For example, “I must be liked,” “I must be strong,” “I must, since I promised,” etc. This is what most manipulative techniques are based on, such as: “You are a man, so you must give in to me”; or “It would simply be rude of you to refuse me”; or “You are a reasonable person, therefore you should enter into my position,” etc. Each of us has a lot of similar ideas in our heads - to whom he owes and for what; and thanks to them, we become easy prey for professional manipulators and other “predators.”

Exercise “Help a friend.” Imagine that you work on a popular youth radio, and a teenager calls you with the problem that he is very insecure and asks for your help and support. What would you wish for him?

Very often a person experiences a feeling of grief, resentment, but cannot express it. When a person is confident in himself, he can very calmly talk about the feelings that arise about this or that event, this or that action. And talking about these feelings is an expression of confident behavior. People who are insecure are more susceptible to manipulation by others, although no one says that a confident person is not susceptible to manipulation. He just has more possibilities notice them. And resist. A good manipulator perfectly hides his tricks under normal socially correct behavior. U confident person there are more opportunities not to succumb to these manipulations. Or achieve what he wants with the help of them, and do it consciously. A confident person does not particularly monitor the manipulations of others, since for him this is a waste of energy. When I know what I want, then I will do what I want. I will either meet you halfway, satisfy your desire, or I will not do this and will not succumb to manipulation, but at this time, tracking whether I am being manipulated or not is quite energy-consuming and is it worth doing.

Example: When a mother constantly yells at her child, she is expressing aggression. In fact, this is her way of expressing her uncertainty about his upbringing. The child feels this perfectly and takes advantage of it. If mom screams, it means she is not able to cope. She demonstrates her helplessness. The child begins to perfectly manipulate his parents, directing this energy where he needs it. Magnificent manipulators

* Do you think aggression is present in confident or insecure people?

In addition, some scientists, analyzing the characteristics of self-confident behavior, were faced with the problem of determining the fine line between confidence and aggressiveness. A high degree of confidence and aggressiveness can coincide if by aggressive actions a person easily and reliably achieves the fulfillment of his needs and does not see any negative side effects. Likewise, insecurity and aggression can coexist if someone's behavioral repertoire includes only aggressive behavior. Even if aggressiveness does not bring anything, a person continues to behave aggressively whenever, overcoming uncertainty, he nevertheless decides to do something. But most often, self-confident people are extremely rarely aggressive, since other, non-aggressive actions are quite sufficient for a life that suits them.

It is important to learn to adequately evaluate own behavior, pay attention to qualities such as confidence or self-doubt. It can be argued that insecure behavior harms a person, leads to the fact that an insecure person restrains his feelings due to anxiety, feelings of guilt and insufficient social skills. It is necessary to distinguish confident behavior from insecure and aggressive behavior. An aggressive person violates the rights of others through dominance. Aggression is not based on mature self-esteem and is an attempt to satisfy one's needs at the expense of another person. Confident behavior increases the possibility of choice and control over your own life.

A confident person knows that he has certain rights, knows how to accurately define and express his desires, needs and feelings so that it does not affect others. He knows how to build relationships with other people, what is called “on an equal footing,” regardless of the position they occupy. Thus, we can say that a self-confident person is convinced of the right to realize the needs of his “I” and knows the methods and forms of such realization, respects the positions and status of other people.

We will name only the most clear differences between confident, insecure and aggressive behavior. Confident people speak loudly and clearly, but never resort to shouting, often look into the eyes of their interlocutor, but do not “drill their eyes into the interlocutor’s eyes,” and always maintain the optimal communication distance, without approaching the interlocutor closely. Confident people know how to pause in a conversation, rarely interrupt their partners, and are able to express their thoughts clearly and clearly.In words (in the verbal plane), self-confident people openly talk about their feelings, desires and claims, accompanying them with a brief and clear justification, often use the pronoun I, and are not afraid of expressing personal opinions. Insults, reproaches, and accusations are rarely heard from self-confident people. They express all claims to others on their own behalf. It cannot be said that these characteristics are formed by themselves or that a person is already born confident. Like all socio-psychological qualities of a person, self-confidence is formed during socialization - i.e. in interaction with other people and the social environment.

Signs of insecure behavior (I'm bad, you're good):

Human:

Looks at the floor;

cannot defend his position;

The very first “no” leads him to abandon further attempts to achieve his goal;

cannot ask;

Notmay refuse;

It is difficult for him to convince his interlocutor by giving arguments;

Answers in monosyllables “yes” and “no”;

Do not sit down while talking;

Hides his legs under the chair;

Keeps oneself at a great distance from the interlocutor;

Wrinkles his hands;

speaks quietly

Signs of aggressive behavior (I'm good, you're bad):

Human:

Does not argue his position;

After refusal, he does not leave, but stubbornly tries to achieve his goal;

Likes to praise himself;

During communication, reduces the distance between oneself and the interlocutor;

Looks straight;

Can ask and refuse;

Can put pressure on the interlocutor (“I know that you...”, “I really need...”, “You must...”)

Signs of confident behavior -good,you're good):

A person with confidence:

Uses “I statements”;

Applies empathic listening;

Knows how to talk about his desires;

Reflects statements;

Reflects feelings;

Knows how to ask;

Knows how to refuse;

Able to accept refusal;

Speaks directly and openly;

He is prone to compromises and offers them himself.

"UNCONFIDENT, CONFIDENT AND AGGRESSIVE RESPONSES"

Each subgroup is asked to demonstrate insecure, confident and aggressive types of responses in a given situation. The following situations can be suggested:

Checking tickets on the bus. For some reason you don’t have a ticket. The controller approaches you. You tell him...

Your neighbor's dog ruined your rug. You ring your neighbor's doorbell. He appears on the threshold. You tell him...

Group of young people funny people in the cinema bothers you with loud conversation. You contact them...

Your friend did not give you the borrowed money on time. You say...

At the clinic, some guy rushes to see the doctor out of turn. Everyone is silent. You say...

Questions for discussion:

What feeling can a person who lacks self-confidence feel? (feeling of pity). Is this the kind of person you want to be around?

How does an aggressive person feel? (fear, discomfort). Is this the kind of person you want to be around?

What feeling can a confident person evoke? (feeling of reliability and you want to be with him)

“Cool” - what kind of person is this?

In order to be “cool”, you need some attribute: “I am “cool” because I have in my hands a can of beer, a cigarette, a gold signet, a thick gold chain, a good car. If a "cool" person doesn't have this attribute, does he look "cool", can he be called "cool"? What behavior do you think lies beneath “cool”? Underneath “coolness” lies insecure behavior: if this attribute is missing, then I’m no longer “cool.”

So, first of all, you need to figure out how often and what signs of confidence or uncertainty you have

Exercise “Confident intonations.” Two volunteers are called. The presenter, with the help of leading questions, clarifies a topic that is controversial for the participants, so that they adhere to the opposite point of view. After the controversial topic has been clarified, the moderator announces a “public debate” (3 min.). During this time, each of the disputants must try to persuade his opponent to his point of view. At the end of the allotted time, the remaining participants must vote to determine which of the participants had the most confident intonations in their voice. If during the debate one of the opponents gives up, the other automatically wins. All participants must go through the debate.

In conclusion, I would like to give one of the definitions of the concept of “confidence”, which logically embodies all of the above points:“Confidence is the ability to openly and clearly state your thoughts, feelings and desires, without expecting any reaction or immediate action from others, and recognizing the right of others to behave in the same way.”

II block. Criteria for confident behavior

Before developing behavioral skills, it is necessary to determine which behavior will be the best result. To this end, we will define the main criteria for confident behavior.

1. Concreteness and openness in expressing your feelings and emotions

People do not have the ability to read each other's minds, but they can ask and openly state their feelings, desires and needs.

Openness is about sincerely expressing your feelings “here and now”, respectful attitude to another, in the ability to convey information about one’s feelings without humiliating the other, always speaking in the first person.

Interpretation of emotions It works best for people with a high degree of anxiety, suspicion, dependence, resentment, and empathy.Presentation of emotions It works better for people with a high degree of gullibility, openness and expressiveness.

People withlow presentation and interpretation abilities characterized by self-directedness, self-sufficiency, suspicion and low empathy.

2. Behavioral flexibility

Flexibility in behavior is, first of all, the ability to abandon non-working character traits and life strategies, beliefs and methods.

Usually a person cannot part with one or another of his roles or traits, since it carries some very important function, the so-called secondary benefit.Note:Secondary benefit - this is when behind the visible problem there is hidden the true reason why this problem is present.

The implementation of a new way of life encounters an obstacle called “habit”. Each of us has three main habits, these are the habit of being right in everything, the habit of “being cool,” looking good and not falling in the eyes of others, and the habit of controlling everything and everyone.

Exercise. Think about your problem, ask yourself the question “What good, what benefits do I get when I have this problem?” At first, the consciousness may be indignant, what a strange question, I am suffering so much, what benefits could there be... But, you need to continue asking yourself this question until the answers are received. After receiving the answers, draw some conclusions for yourself about how you can keep the benefits to yourself while still solving the problem.

State the problem.

We begin to look for secondary benefits by answering the following questions in writing:

The worst thing about this is...

The best thing about this is...

If I achieved what I wanted, what would I lose?

Am I achieving with this problem something that I would not have achieved without it?

What positive thing does this problem do for me?

What should I not have to deal with while I have this problem?

What would I like to change?

What kind of person would I like to become?

What is missing to achieve this?

When do I want this to happen?

How will I know that I have achieved the desired result?

What resources do I have to overcome the problem?

How can you use what prevents you from overcoming the problem?

How can I start to solve this problem?

3. Responsibility

Responsibility— it is taking ownership of your actions. Responsibility does not equal guilt, because guilt— it is a feeling imposed by social rules and morals, which helps make a person comfortable for society. Responsibility does not equal cargo. Because we are responsible only for our lives and only for our feelings. But none of us is responsible for that, what choices other people make, for that, what they feel. If you don't take responsibility for your life, someone else takes it. And then this other one does this to your life, what he considers necessary. Don't make a decision or make a choice— this is also a decision and a choice.

4. Self-acceptance ( self-acceptance, love for yourself (unconditional), for who you are, treating yourself as a person who is worthy of love, respect, faith in yourself, in your strengths and capabilities, trust in yourself)

People who have optimal levels of self-approval and self-acceptance have the following skills and abilities:

1. Loyalty to your principles, despite the opposing opinions of others, combined with sufficient flexibility and the ability to change your opinion if it is wrong.

2. The ability to act on one's own discretion without feeling guilt or regret in the event of disapproval from others.

3. The ability not to waste time worrying excessively about tomorrow and yesterday.

4. The ability to maintain confidence in one’s abilities, despite temporary setbacks and difficulties.

5. The ability to appreciate the personality of each person and the feeling of his usefulness to others, no matter how different he is in the level of his abilities and position.

6. Relative ease in communication, the ability to both defend one’s rightness and agree with the opinions of others.

7. The ability to accept compliments and praise without feigned modesty.

8. Ability to resist.

9. The ability to accept one’s own and other people’s feelings, the ability to suppress one’s impulses.

10. The ability to find pleasure in a wide variety of activities, including work, play, socializing with friends, creative expression, or recreation.

11. Sensitive attitude to the needs of others, compliance with accepted social norms.

12. The ability to find the good in people, to believe in their integrity, despite their shortcomings.

Exercise 1. It is convenient to start with the simplest. Take a piece of paper and write at least 10 sentences, each beginning with the words “I forgive myself for...”. List everything that upsets you about yourself, for which you are angry with yourself. No matter what mistakes you have made, remember, you deserve to accept yourself along with them. In a week, instead of the pronoun “I”, write those people who irritate, enrage, offend, oppress you. This is important because in others we react to what we condemn and reject in ourselves (“you can’t be like this…”). Then write at least 10 sentences starting with the words: “I like about myself...”. Likewise, look for merit in people you dislike. In addition to developing an objective perception of what is happening, you will thus be able to more easily find positive things in yourself. It is not necessary to write any grandiose advantages here. Pay attention to every little detail.

5. Accepting praise and giving compliments

Accepting praise is seen as a rejection of self-deprecation and underestimation of one's strengths and qualities. This is the ability to say “thank you” with a smile in response to a compliment, as well as the courage to tell another what you like and what you don’t like about him. A compliment should always be sincere and specific. His main function- is to inspire a person. A compliment devoid of sincerity and faith is flattery and manipulation.

Exercise 2. “Praise yourself.” Every day, for someone the most convenient time- before going to bed, praise yourself for something. For the old lady transferred across the road, for a successful deal, for showing restraint, etc. There are excuses - I have nothing to praise myself for - that seem to smack of some kind of false modesty, this is more a sign of laziness of the mind, lack of the habit of thinking and looking for what is needed. Practice.

6. Acceptance of the other

The ability to accept another is closely related to such a phenomenon as egocentrism of thinking (it is a hidden mental attitude, meaning the inability of an individual to change his original position towards some object, opinion or idea, even in the face of obvious contradictions. Own point point of view is absolute, which does not allow us to understand the possibility of the existence of other, opposing points of view).

All conflicts and disagreements arise precisely because of the inability to understand each other. As a result, we condemn and criticize people who are different from us. A confident person knows that everyone has the right to experience what they feel, to say what they think is necessary, since there are no wrong feelings and thoughts, there are thoughts and feelings of everyone individual person. Understanding this brings harmony and trust to relationships.

7. Sincerity

This difficult thing is sincerity. Sincerity in your feelings and values, in your opinions and statements. But sincerity is the greatest power in the world, because it contains the truth. People, out of fear of condemnation, criticism, ridicule, devaluation, are afraid of their sincere manifestations, therefore sincerity is discouraging, but it inspires respect and trust. Being sincere with myself is expressed in the ability to do what I should and can do. at the moment, no more, no less. The ability to do what you can is an integral part of sincerity, saving you from confusion and increasing confidence.

8. The ability to say “NO”

A request is when a person turns to us for something that belongs to us. And if consent is not in our interests, we have every right to say “no.”

When someone enters into communication with you, you have the right to either refuse interaction or determine the extent of your participation in it.By saying “no,” we protect our interests and our boundaries. If we say “yes” when it is against our best interests, we will harm ourselves. At the same time, we are afraid of a deterioration in the relationship with this person - and this is important both in business and in everyday life. We understand that if we refuse, “he will be offended”, “he will be angry with me”, “the relationship will be worse”, “he will harm”, “later he will not give something”. We predict possible consequences the “blow” that we inflict with our refusal.

Therefore, when we want to learn how to say “no” correctly and in a timely manner, we are faced with several problems at the same time - how to minimize the force of the blow to another person’s self-esteem, how to reduce our discomfort in a situation of refusal, how to prevent possible negative consequences of this situation in the future.

9. Using the pronoun “I” in speech

The use of the pronoun “I” in all its linguistic forms is an important indicator of confidence, as it reflects that there is a person behind the words who is not trying to hide behind vague formulations. For example, how often when describing one’s own experiences, a person uses the pronoun “you” instead of “I”: “there you feel like a stranger.” A person uses this speech paradox when he is embarrassed by his own experiences, thoughts, needs, attributing them to others. Such a person is afraid of criticism, does not trust himself and expects condemnation from others, strives to meet their expectations.

10. Proactivity

This is the understanding that the future depends on the present, on what is now happening in a person’s mind. Real life a proactive person is that he is absolutely satisfied with the present, but wants more.

Three positions on current events

"Man of the Past" - acceptance of the situation and lack of desire to change anything:“I accept this situation, everything is fine, I have to come to terms with it, it was good before, but now... but nothing can be done.”

"Man of the Future" - non-acceptance of the situation and the desire for rapid change:“I am completely unhappy with this, efforts will have to be made to speed up future events.”

"The Man of the Real" - acceptance of the situation and desire and belief in its improvement: “I'm happy with what's happening now, I accept it and believe in the best».

A proactive person does not make his mood dependent on external circumstances; he is not afraid to be left alone, to be unrecognized, misunderstood, to stand out from the crowd, because he understands that in order to be happy he already has everything.

Exercise. "Confidence Map" Draw a map of your own confidence. Take a sheet of paper, preferably A4, and pens/pencils/markers. On one part of the map there will be a zone of confidence, on the other - a zone of uncertainty, and the people with whom you communicate or want to communicate are distributed along the map. Somewhere closer to the border there must be people (or events) with whom you feel average. In the far zone of uncertainty are people and cases when you feel extremely anxious and difficult. And in the zone of confidence - situations in which you feel great, courageous, and communicate with ease.

You can add to your map: create a city of trust and ease in the zone of confidence. In the zone of uncertainty there are factories for the production of constraint, factories of complexes... I am attaching an example to help you. As you can see, the map is drawn a simple person, not an artist, and you can do the same!

Developing self-confidence begins with eliminating the demon called fear; this demon sits on a man’s shoulder and whispers to him: “You can’t do this...”

I. Hill. Law of Success

Confident behavior is a collective concept that includes various components. This behavior:

♦ Purposeful. Goals are images of anticipated results, i.e., what a person expects to receive as a result of his actions. With confident behavior, he accurately represents his goals and builds his own actions in such a way that they allow him to get closer to his goals. However, not all goals serve as a prerequisite for confident behavior. Firstly, they must be realistic, that is, fundamentally achievable by a given person, taking into account his existing capabilities and limitations. Secondly, they must be specific, such that they accurately represent on the basis of what, by what specific criteria one could judge whether they have been achieved or not. Thirdly, it is more appropriate to define goals for yourself in positive terms: as an image of what you plan to achieve, and not of what you would like to avoid.

♦ Focused on overcoming emerging obstacles, and not worry about them. Even if achievable goals are set and actions are taken that allow one to get closer to them, the emergence of certain difficulties in most cases is still inevitable. They should be treated as a fact of life. But different people react to these difficulties in different ways. For an insecure person, they turn into obstacles that cause a lot of negative experiences, but do not cause constructive activity aimed at overcoming them. A person spends a lot of energy on these experiences, without moving towards his goals. Or, at the other extreme, he spends all his strength on overcoming the obstacles that have arisen, which in reality are not surmountable at all, the circumstances that caused them do not depend on the person. And when faced with further failures, he worries more and more. A confident person is capable of a rational analysis of the difficulties that arise and, if they seem surmountable (with a reasonable, justified investment of time and effort), he spends efforts precisely on overcoming them. If the obstacles turn out to be too serious or even insurmountable, such a person does not “bash his head into a closed door,” but reconsiders his goals or looks for other ways to achieve them.

♦ Flexible, implying adequate reaction to a rapidly changing environment. Such a person quickly navigates situations of novelty and uncertainty, and is able to quickly revise those patterns of behavior that do not lead to positive results. Flexibility is especially evident in communication. A confident person is able to change his communication style depending on which interlocutors he comes into contact with and under what conditions this happens. He, depending on the communication situation, can take on various social roles and behave in accordance with the requirements that they impose. An insecure person constantly hides behind some social role, behaves according to it without taking into account the situation in which he is (for example, like a military man, always communicating with everyone from a commanding position, so “fused” with this role that for him it becomes almost impossible to communicate in any other way).

♦ Socially oriented– aimed at building constructive relationships with others: a movement “towards people”, and not “from people” or “against people”. Such a person strives to establish harmonious relationships with others, based on trust, mutual understanding and cooperation. This behavior strategy continues even when a person encounters difficulties. To overcome them, a confident person, if necessary, uses social resources and turns to others for support. Other strategies involve either withdrawing into oneself, withdrawing into one’s own inner world, loneliness (movement “from people”), or opposition to others, hostility with them, aggression (movement “against people”). If a person is inclined to any of these strategies, then when difficulties arise in life, this tendency also intensifies: the withdrawn person is rejected from people even more, becomes unsociable, and the hostile person moves to open aggression. In the vast majority of cases, this leads to a kind of vicious circle, and the problems as a result of this behavior intensify even more.

♦ Combining spontaneity with the possibility of arbitrary regulation. When the situation requires immediate action, a person takes them, but if necessary, he can also control his own spontaneous reactions. This applies not only to behavior, but also to emotional response. Such a person does not strive to constantly suppress his emotions and feelings, but allows himself to express them openly. But if necessary (for example, when the situation does not allow them to be expressed outwardly or they are too strong, preventing adequate perception in reality) he is ready to take control of them.

♦ Persistent, but not turning into aggressive. A person makes efforts to achieve his goals, but does so, if possible, without harming the interests of other people. Of course, confident behavior does not mean sacrificial position and renunciation of one's interests. On the contrary, such a person is ready to defend them very harshly, to go into conflict for their sake. But, firstly, in such conflicts he concentrates precisely on defending his interests, and not on offending, humiliating or offending the interlocutor as an individual. Secondly, a confident person does not conflict without objective reasons for it. If what caused the tension is more important for the partner than for this person, or if it is more important for him to maintain a harmonious relationship, he is ready to give in and sacrifice his interests. For him, it is preferable not to follow the principle, but to resolve the conflict flexibly, taking into account all the nuances of the situation.

♦ Focused on achieving success rather than avoiding failure.

A person is focused on getting something positive and is guided precisely by this goal, but not by avoiding possible troubles. When thinking about his goals, such a person imagines himself successfully achieving them, not how he fails. For example, when starting to prepare for an exam, a confident person presents it successful completion, and strives precisely for this goal. The insecure person imagines how he “fails” the exam, and strives to ensure that this situation does not become a reality. The first of these types of motivation is more effective and with more likely leads to success. Firstly, when a person sees a favorable outcome of an upcoming business, his emotional state is much better than when he thinks about failure. As a result, his activities will be more effective, which will increase the chances of achieving success. Secondly, when we imagine something in detail, we willy-nilly begin to translate it into reality. This is especially noticeable in the example of so-called ideomotor movements - it is enough to imagine any motor action, as the corresponding muscles begin to make small, usually imperceptible to us, but quite real movements necessary for it (this effect is even used in sports training). In the sphere of mental response, essentially the same thing happens - what we imagined, our psyche gradually begins to embody in reality.

♦ Creative. A person who displays confident behavior does not waste energy fighting with anyone or anything (be it the people around him or his own mental characteristics), but instead creates what he considers necessary. It's like in business, where the winner is not the one who spends resources fighting competitors, but the one who does his job more efficiently than them. Defeat a bad habit - replace it with a good one. Give up an ineffective way of thinking or behavior - develop another, more effective one. Overcoming your own insecurities means mastering ways to behave confidently. As it says folk wisdom, “it’s better to fight for something than against something.”

“Self-confidence refers to a person’s ability to put forward and implement own goals, needs, desires, claims, interests, feelings, etc. in relation to one’s environment”

(Starshenbaum, 2006, p. 92).

Self-confident people are characterized by independence and self-sufficiency, which is manifested in various areas of life, but most obviously in the sphere interpersonal relationships. External signs of confident and insecure behavior are also most clearly visible in communication situations.

A person who is confident in himself looks calm and behaves with dignity. He has open look, straight posture, calm and confident voice. He doesn't fuss, doesn't fawn, doesn't show irritation. A self-confident person knows how to defend his position without resorting to aggression or passive-dependent behavior. He speaks openly about his needs, as well as about the desired actions on the part of his partners, doing this without hostility or self-defense, and is able to defend his rights without trampling on the rights of others. This is direct, open behavior that does not intend to harm other people.

The behavior of an insecure person is of two types: passively dependent and aggressive.

An insecure person can be very quiet, shy, walk hunched over and lower his head, avoid direct gaze, and yield to any pressure on him. With this behavior, a person avoids direct discussion of the problem and is inclined to say

He expresses his desires and needs in an indirect form, “in a roundabout way”, is passive, but at the same time is not ready to accept what the partner can offer.

Uncertainty also manifests itself through the exact opposite, aggressive behavior, when they shout, insult, wave their arms, look with contempt, etc. Aggressive behavior, strange as it may seem, is also a sign of insecurity. This behavior is characterized by demandingness or hostility; the person “gets personal” and often pays attention not so much to satisfying his own needs as to punishing another.

In table 8 (Alberti, Emmons, 1998, as amended) is given comparative characteristics these types of behavior.

Table 8

Sometimes confident behavior is seen as intermediate between shy and aggressive; aggression is interpreted as a consequence of excess confidence. Meanwhile, the results psychological research aggression convincingly show that in most cases it is accompanied not by excessively high, but rather by insufficient self-confidence. It would be more correct to say that, like shyness, it is one of the manifestations of insecure behavior.

What, then, is the difference between those for whom insecurity leads to shyness and those for whom it manifests itself in the form of aggression? There is reason to believe that the main difference between these types of responses is related to what a person tends to attribute responsibility for his own failure to achieve a goal. Shy people attribute it to themselves (reasonings are built along the lines of “I can’t do it because I’m bad myself”). Aggressive people shift responsibility to other people or to the surrounding reality as a whole (“I can’t do it because you’re bothering me”). This can be shown schematically as follows (see Fig. 7):

In the Russian mentality, self-confidence is often perceived as a negative quality, being identified with arrogance and complacency. Meanwhile, there are no objective grounds to equate these concepts. As already emphasized, a confident person defends his goals in such a way that this is not accompanied by actions directed against others, designed to cause them any harm.

Rice. 7

Self-confidence does not mean unconditionally high self-esteem of a person. It implies that, along with the fact that he accepts himself as a whole as a person, he evaluates his particular abilities and skills realistically - that is, not always highly. The self-esteem of a confident person is not so much elevated as it is differentiated: each particular is assessed separately, but this does not transfer to the person as a whole. An insecure person has an unstable and poorly differentiated self-esteem; he often thinks according to the scheme “Since I didn’t succeed, it means that I myself am bad and good for nothing, nothing will work out for me.” Or, conversely, “Since this succeeded, then everything else should succeed.” And such directly opposite judgments can change several times a day under the influence of insignificant, random factors. Self-doubt manifests itself most clearly in situations related to communication. Thus, V. G. Romek (2002) notes the following manifestations of self-doubt in interpersonal relationships:

♦ Fear of being rejected or ridiculed. It becomes a barrier, as a result of which people do not even try to improve relationships, because they are convinced in advance that nothing good will come of it.

♦ Low self-esteem. For example, people reason in this way: “I’m mediocre, ordinary, I can’t be interesting to anyone,” “I won’t be able to say two words when communicating with this person.” As a result, such a person, being confident in advance of his insolvency, does not even try to complete the task efficiently or build a relationship with the interlocutor he is interested in.

♦ Irrational beliefs, preventing interpersonal contacts. The most common variants of these beliefs are: unfounded generalizations (“Trusting in anyone never brings anything good”), global conclusions from isolated facts (“Since this girl is not interested in me, it means I’m not an interesting person at all”), unrealistic judgments about what should be (“ Everyone must always like me and should not show my true feelings."

♦ Excessive desire to “keep up appearances”, avoiding all sorts of personal manifestations for fear that they might offend someone, offend someone, make an unfavorable impression (“What will people think of me?!”), etc.

♦ Lack of skills to express feelings. Such people simply do not know how to talk about their personal experiences; all their communication turns out to be abstract, concerning some external objects, but not themselves, their desires, needs and feelings.

Let us give examples of several everyday situations related to interpersonal interaction in which adolescents demonstrate quite clearly the skills of confident behavior or, on the contrary, the lack thereof:

♦ Conversation with a salesperson in a store: the need to ask him in detail about a product, ask him to demonstrate it, weigh the products, check the accuracy of the calculations, etc.

♦ Start a dialogue with a passerby: ask the time, find out the way to a particular place, help find a bus stop or a store selling certain goods.

♦ Communication with a teacher, a teacher at a university: clarify the criteria for grading for any work, find out the conditions for passing the exam, get individual consultation on an unclear issue

♦ B public transport: find out from the conductor or passengers the route, find out when the next bus will leave, what time in the morning the service on this route starts, etc.

♦ At a disco, in a club, etc. - start a conversation with the girl you like (for a girl - with a guy), invite or be invited to a dance, exchange phone numbers or email addresses.

Although confident behavior is highly dependent on the characteristics family education and relationships with parents, it manifests itself, first of all, in communication not with elders, but with peers. This provides ample opportunities for developing confident behavior skills through specially organized work in teenage groups, whose participants intensively interact with each other. In order for adolescents to learn such behavior, stories about it are not enough; it is necessary to model conditions in which participants will have the opportunity to come into contact with it directly, in their own way. life experience. Optimal conditions For this purpose, he creates psychological training.

Training aimed at developing confident behavior includes several sequentially implemented tasks (Starshenbaum, 2006, p. 96):

♦ Training external expression feelings associated with communication.

♦ Teaching consistency between externally expressed and internally experienced feelings.

♦ Reinforcing new behavior patterns with the help of feedback.

♦ Learning to use the pronoun “I”.

♦ Spontaneity and flexibility training.

♦ Teaching self-approval and self-praise.

At the same time, such training is not limited solely to games and discussions aimed directly at training various skills of confident behavior. As noted by I. V. Bachkov (2007, p. 134), it “in addition to exercises that develop the skills of confident behavior in difficult situations, must also include exercises to unite the participants and develop ideas about their group.” We would like to add that this training should also contain blocks aimed at developing at least two more groups of skills; we are talking about effective communication and the use of various means of communication, as well as training the skills of self-regulation of emotional states and their behavioral manifestations, especially in situations of uncertainty.

The proposed program is aimed at developing the listed skills. It is designed for older teenagers (14–16 years old) and can be used in groups of 6–16 participants. It is also acceptable larger number, however, then the training will require some modifications and will place increased demands on the organizational skills of the presenter. The exercises are grouped into 12 sessions, each lasting approximately 3 academic hours(i.e., in general, the program is designed for 36 hours). However, it should be taken into account that the actual duration of a particular block of work depends on many factors and is determined in advance only very conditionally. The number of exercises presented will most likely actually turn out to be excessive for the specified time, which will leave the presenter the opportunity to choose them.

It should be noted that not all exercises included in each of the classes are narrowly aimed at precisely the topic included in its title. The title of the lesson is only a designation of the key idea to which the corresponding fragment of work is devoted. Along with exercises aimed directly at its disclosure, each lesson includes warm-ups and game exercises, relating to the main topic only in passing. In addition, the program is built in a spiral, and key topics “pop up” in different contexts throughout the training (for example, self-regulation skills are devoted to separate lesson, but at the same time they are updated in the topic “Overcoming stress” and “Resisting influence”).

The training closely overlaps with two other programs presented in this book (on effective communication and constructive behavior in conflicts we are also talking about communication training, and about confident behavior in uncertain situations – in creativity training). We deliberately did not strive to group the material in a way that would exclude parallels in the topics covered. Even if trainings are carried out sequentially with the same participants, some key points It is advisable to return several times, considering them in different contexts (especially since the specific content of these topics differs in all cases).

Let us note that in order to conduct confident behavior training with teenagers, the facilitator does not need to have basic psychological education. Other specialists (teachers, social workers, psychotherapists, sports trainers), who have studied literary sources methodology for conducting trainings and, importantly, having own experience participation in them. Moreover, according to our observations, for the successful implementation of such trainings, non-fundamental ones are often more important psychological knowledge, but having experience in teaching work with young people. Of course, the above in no way denies the need for the presenter to have high-quality knowledge of those applied psychological aspects that are directly related to the training topic (psychology small group, competence in communication, influence and resistance to influence, mechanisms of self-regulation, basics of conflict management, etc.), as well as psychological characteristics of adolescents.