From childhood we are taught to be modest. But what's in modern society helps to survive: modesty or vanity?

Perhaps, after reading the title of the article, some of you will be able to clearly answer this question. But is the answer really that obvious? Let's talk more about modesty and vanity.

Modesty- This is a human trait that is characterized by indifference to wealth and luxury, the absence of the desire to exalt oneself over others. For a humble person, what he has is enough. He worries more about other people than about himself. Modesty has positive and negative points.

Let's start with positive points. Modest people give the impression of being well-mannered and reasonable people. They are the ones most often turned to for help. In addition, rumors and gossip are rarely spread about modest people.

IN modern world modesty shows negative aspects. She can get in the way personal life, and career. There are statistics that men like modest girls only at the dating stage, but over time they prefer to see liberated and confident women. By career ladder modest people It’s also hard to move, since they calmly do the work for other employees, without asking for a promotion or salary increase.

Modesty cannot be called a positive or negative quality. So modesty due to lack of self-confidence is a problem for a person. And often modesty is just a way to present yourself in a favorable light to the right people.

What is vanity and how does it manifest itself? Vanity refers to the desire to excel other people in different areas life. Vain man wants to look better in the eyes of others than he really is. He strives for fame or popularity.

Vanity has a huge advantage. It makes people move towards their goals. Thus, the desire to achieve success forces one to learn new professions.

But there are negative aspects to vanity that make people speak negatively about it. A vain person thinks only of himself. Everything he achieves is not a goal, but a means to stand out from other people and be proud of himself. A vain person does not benefit society. But it turns out that he is useless for himself, since he does not receive an emotional response from society.

In my opinion, what helps us survive in the modern world is not modesty and vanity in their pure manifestation, but the balance between these human qualities. And only a person capable of self-development and self-knowledge can achieve this balance.

And you, dear reader, are you more modest or vain?

Modesty adorns any person - this has been considered from time immemorial. The very concept of modesty presupposes a whole set of personality qualities. This is refined taste, unpretentiousness, and a sincere desire to do good without expecting gratitude. Although people's opinions are quite different on this issue.

Modesty or shyness?

“Fools are never shy, although shyness takes on all forms of stupidity.” Jean-Jacques Rousseau

A person acquires many of the qualities inherent in it in infancy and even before birth. Latest Research they say that in the womb a child hears not only the conversations of future parents, but even catches the thoughts of the person closest to him. If he feels desired, he will subsequently grow to be self-confident. If the mother does not love the baby during pregnancy, then he may become insecure, with a feeling of guilt, and shy.

Modesty and shyness are not the same thing.

Shyness This is precisely a manifestation of self-doubt, a subconscious fear of not being liked. It prevents first the child, and then, if he is not helped, the adult from setting and achieving goals. You can read about how to overcome self-doubt.

Modesty However, this is precisely a manifestation of the upbringing of a self-confident person. He is well aware of his merits, but does not boast of them or flaunt them. That is why we say that modesty adorns both a woman or girl and a man.

Is modesty an adornment or a burden?

“When you have something to be proud of, you can allow yourself to be modest. When there is nothing, it is preferable to be modest” Eduard Aleksandrovich Sevrus (Vorokhov)

The uniqueness of each person does not need to be proven, this is obvious. It follows from this that character traits, outlook on life, and the entire set of habits and qualities of any of us are not found in any way in the other. Yes, we are similar in many ways, and yet we are as different as snowflakes or the pattern of a fingerprint. What is good for one is “death” for another.

Based on this position, it is difficult to give a definite answer - which one is better to be, modest or not very. Still, let's figure it out.

Probably each of you will remember an incident from your life (and more than one) when someone else humiliated your dignity, or caused offense, or even caused an outburst of indignation in response. In a word, it evoked in you negative emotions. You could experience the same thing when looking at the cheeky behavior of teenagers and others.

Now remember the modesty of the girl who lowers her eyes in embarrassment when she meets your gaze. Or a man making way for you, offering his hand. This is from a different “opera”, you might say. No, modesty, good manners, respect are synonyms.

“Humility implies strength” Robert Walser

You can be modest, but persistently pursue your goal. And these are the people who achieve their goals. And at the pinnacle of success they do not betray their principles. Fame and wealth “spoil” only those who had no trace of these qualities.

Modesty in Religious Concepts

Any religion calls on a person to be submissive and unassuming, to be content with what God sends (no matter in the guise of Jesus, Allah or Buddha). The desire for material and carnal pleasures has never been welcomed by the church. On the contrary, it is believed that abstaining from them cleanses the soul and body of a person, bringing him closer to spiritual good.

Pride is the opposite of modesty and is considered a sin because... it prevents the manifestation of compassion, forgiveness, and humility in a person. Even Jesus Christ condescended to wash the feet of his disciples. There is an importance hidden in this action that is not visible at first glance. Here there is not only the meaning of denying the superiority of one person over another, but also the sacrament of cleansing that part of the soul that is in at the moment most “dirty”, like feet before a meal.

Where did it go? modesty? “Oh times, oh morals...” These are the lines that come to mind, it’s worth looking at modern girls. How things have changed! Where are the pure, innocent images of Natasha Rostova, Asya and Tatyana Larina?

They were replaced by beauties who cannot imagine their lives without glamor, vulgarity and loud shockingness. They have no idea what modesty adorns. By any means to attract attention - here are them main goal. But with what? Here, everyone has their own “talents”: indecent behavior, scandals, showing off their curves. This is how cheap popularity is achieved. Girl's modesty is seen as a disadvantage.

Teenagers talk about modesty

The fact is that I see many of my students heeding the means mass media with their active promotion of these disgusting stereotypes. And in reality, girls are not to blame for this - they are only teenagers with a fragile psyche and an unformed worldview, and they tend to imitate. So they chose these immoral girls as role models, naively believing that this is how a woman should ideally look. suffer from their modesty and their more arrogant peers. What my students say about girls modesty? To my great joy, among them there are those who are sincerely confident that modesty still adorns girls!

Markov Sergey

Here, for example, is the opinion of an eighth-grader: “Previously, girls at school had beautiful shape with an apron, they did not allow themselves to dress vulgarly, they wore tasteful things, did not wear makeup and did not even wear earrings. Modesty for a girl associated with honor and dignity. Modern young ladies behave impudently and dissolutely, which goes against the rules of etiquette. When they meet, they kiss each other, swear, and some even get into fights with boys, completely forgetting about modesty and shyness. I believe that a girl should behave with restraint and, of course, she should not have bad habits, after all, she is an expectant mother. I think that if girls do not change their behavior today, then tomorrow it will become a habit for them, which can be fraught negative consequences. Modesty adorns“We shouldn’t forget about this simple truth.”

Boyko Tatiana

Here’s what an eighth-grader says: “Many teenagers are completely unaware of the true meaning modesty. They are unable to distinguish a modest person from a timid quiet person. But in reality modesty- this is not shyness, but calmness, good behavior and the ability to behave.

Alas, today we are talking about such qualities as shyness and modesty, almost forgotten. Stupid parties, cigarettes, alcohol, obscene language, scandalousness and promiscuity - this is what is being promoted to girls today. And who wouldn’t want to be on the crest of a fashion wave? Is modesty decorative?, if she is not in fashion? As a result, modest young ladies give way to uninhibited girls and remain out of work. In my opinion, the younger generation should show restraint not only in clothes, but in thoughts and actions. Girls should be pure and feminine, they should have shyness and modesty. They must also be smart, proud, well-mannered and remain mysterious in the eyes of guys. The girl is interesting for her inaccessibility, but not for her excessive looseness. Girl's modesty“This is her main decoration.”

Zaitseva Anastasia

Here's what another eighth-grader says: “It seems to me that the concept of girlish modesty began to fade away already during perestroika, when the media passed into the hands of private owners and censorship was lost.

Previously, there were no advertisements on television and the level of censorship was very high, but today during the day sex scenes, advertisements for cigarettes and alcoholic drinks, programs like “Women’s League”, “Comedy Club” and “Our Russia”. All this has a direct impact on the consciousness of adolescents, as well as the formation of their interests. As a result, girls think that behaving on par with boys (fighting, drinking, smoking, swearing) is cool, and this way they attract more attention. I am convinced that they are seriously mistaken. In my opinion, boys like shy and feminine girls, only with such girls can they build serious relationship and start a family. And those people I mentioned above are needed for a fun time, but nothing more. Shyness and modesty- that's what's really cool."

Common misconceptions about girlish modesty

• Shy is a gray mouse, quiet, shy and unattractive. Not at all! Modesty- This is, first of all, restraint and good manners. A girl may well be active and have her own opinion, but modesty only decorates her at the same time!
• Modesty not in fashion. In fact, this concept is timeless, and fashion trends do not affect it in any way. Exactly modesty, honor and dignity determine the fate of a girl.
• Modern guys don't appreciate modesty in girls. Not at all! Many young people consider such girls to be something like a treasure, which not everyone can find.

What is unacceptable in the behavior of a modest girl

• Wear revealing outfits to show off your curves.
• Apply overly catchy, provocative makeup.
• Hang on guys' necks, jump on their laps, hug and kiss everyone indiscriminately.
• Upload to social media your half-naked photographs.
• Be rude, use foul language, insult, and also allow guys to do this in your presence.
• Boast and obsessively demonstrate your positive qualities.
• It is disrespectful to elders.
• Smoking and drinking alcohol.
• Conflict and start fights.
• Forget about etiquette standards.

But who is to blame for the fact that such a concept as girlish modesty has sunk into oblivion?

• Parents who did not instill in their daughter the necessary qualities.
• Media that creates negative images of women.

What should I do?

• Listen to the advice of elders.
• One should not blindly copy the immoral style of behavior promoted by the media. Modesty for a girl should serve as the main guideline.
• Conduct yourself according to the rules of etiquette.
• Don't forget that friends don't always give good advice.

The best advisor is conscience. True femininity is purity of soul and thoughts. Even in the modern world, mired in vices, you can maintain this beautiful purity.

If you have chosen writing as your profession, then being modest for you is an unforgivable impudence. It sounds strange, but it's true. And, by the way, this applies not only to writers - to all public professions. Do you still think that you need to be more modest and cannot advertise yourself? Congratulations, the public will think you are an impudent and a hypocrite. And he will do to you the worst thing that the public can do to a novice creator, namely: ignore you.

Why arrogance and hypocrisy? I will be happy to explain in the second part of the note. To begin with, let me remind you this: in the modern world, public people are forgiven a lot. They forgive shocking antics and swear words. They forgive impudence and bravado, evoking beauty and ugliness, nudity and complete shamelessness. Even mediocrity is forgiven if it looks funny - they applaud, like, comment. Only modesty is not forgiven, although we were all taught in childhood that this is a virtue.

I myself went through this hell at the very beginning. I made stupid mistakes: I posted books in their entirety at once, silently and modestly waited for reviews, and for the first six months I received, scary to say, as many as two or three comments a week on new novel. I didn’t even have a VKontakte account. I guess it took a lot of work for me to get angry. Write three novels in six months to think - where are all my readers? Why do they read and remain silent?

That’s why I created the “Writer’s Courage” challenge for beginners. What is it? This is two weeks of continuous tasks and a constant race against deadlines. Competitions. A lot of new tasks, practice and constant writing. Extreme sport for writers. Ask those who passed whether it was easy for them. Nevertheless, out of twenty people, fifteen survived to the end. And judging by their feedback, they saw the point and got some results.

“At first there was fear. Where am I going? Who are all these people? I had never participated in a challenge before, but then I realized that it was time to get out of my cozy shell and do something. The shell confidently withstood the blow. About two hours. And then suddenly it burst and forced me to look at bright light another world."

Katerina Teryokhina

"Fear... Fear that your creation many will not like it, unwillingness to hear negative reviews about a small grain of your soul left in a work, they force you to hide in a dark corner and not attract anyone’s attention.But... Sometimes there comes a time when a small ray of sunshine breaks into your dark refuge. It will beckon you to come to you. And so you take a step forward, remove the shackles of fear, uncertainty, timidity.”

Nadezhda Oleshkevich

You can read other reviews and essays by the authors in our workshop

More from reviews:

“In full accordance with the name of the challenge, by the end of it I became bolder” (Lina Filimonova)

"...in fact, only laziness, self-doubt and fear of being judged prevent us from crossing this invisible border.​ (Lilia Danina)

All this is written by authors with whom I was not even familiar before the challenge began. To be clear, I did not invite my friends to this event and I do not plan to invite them to future ones.challenges and courses. Because within the challenge I am more of a coach than a friend. My task was more to encourage than to praise, although I, of course, tried to support and motivate everyone.

And here are my main conclusions from the challenge.

To begin with, I confirmed my guess that each of us is capable of more. And when we say that we are doing everything we can, we are all lying a little. We just don't know how. We don't see the forest for the trees and don't always understand who to learn from. If someone had told me three years ago what I have now told other aspiring writers, I would have saved at least a year, maybe a year and a half. I would sell more and have twice as many readers now.

And second, as promised. Why is modesty perceived by the public as arrogance? Because the public reads between your lines. You will not deceive her even if you very cleverly deceive yourself. How will the public find out? real attitude writer to his own work? By reaction to praise a la “Oh, what are you talking about, I’m just a beginner”? No no. By whether he is promoting himself or not? And not for this reason.

The easiest way to find out the real thoughts of any novice creator is by his reaction to criticism. If, foaming at the mouth, he rushes to make excuses or prove that the critic is wrong - that’s it, my friend, he’s caught. All your modesty is a laughing stock for the chickens. You are a so-called unrecognized genius. Of course, you are ashamed to do PR, because you are just starting out and deep down you think that your creativity is not so brilliant.

But at the same time you believe that your modesty pays for all the shortcomings in all the books at once. Since I’m not promoting myself, I can screw up and do grammatical errors. Since I'm not looking for readers, I can call all critics with dicks. Oh, sorry, excuses, of course.

And now I’m going to upset you (sorry in advance) Nope. Your modesty doesn't pay for anything. It's just the opposite. All your modesty and anger towards vile critics who “if they don’t like it, don’t even read it” only spoils everything. You are depriving yourself of the opportunity to learn and become better. And then all that remains is to be angry with those who are not so modest.

Or you can discover in yourself the ability not to be afraid of criticism, but, on the contrary, to seek it. Crave. Trust the world. Get paid for your books. Find new readers. And endlessly strive for perfection.

In psychology, modesty means moral quality, which shows the individual’s attitude towards himself and others. She is not characterized by arrogance or boasting, and with others she behaves the same with everyone, even if there is a reason for pride. The basis of this quality is positive, but there are negative examples modesty.

What is modesty

Let's look at the concept of modesty in more detail. The term "modest" has existed in our language since XVII century. It means humble, moderate, meek and undemanding. This is the one who doesn't bet own personality taller than others.

Modesty due to cowardice or lack of faith in own strength- the problem of the individual himself. An overly modest or inappropriately modest girl may remain alone forever. But on the other hand, the lack of this quality, selfishness and showing oneself to the detriment of others creates considerable problems.

Modesty and Shyness

A person acquires most of the qualities that are inherent in a person in infancy, and some before birth. Scientists' analyzes say that in the womb we are able to hear not only the conversations of mom and dad, but also capture the mother's thoughts. If a child feels that he is desired, then in the future he will grow up confident in his own abilities. If during pregnancy the mother does not love the child, then he has every chance of growing up as a person without and.

It is worth noting that modesty and shyness are different concepts.

Manifestation of lack of faith in one’s own abilities, fear of not being liked. This quality interferes at first in childhood, but if the child is not helped, then in adulthood he will be afraid to set goals and achieve them.

Modesty is an indicator of the upbringing of a confident person. The man knows his strengths, but does not show them off. Therefore, it is believed that modesty is an adornment.

So, after all, is modesty an adornment for a person or a burden for him? The uniqueness of each individual is undeniable. Based on this, it turns out that life principles, character, set of habits are unique in everyone.

We are similar to each other, but we are different, like snowflakes and fingerprints. For one person something is good, but for another it is the opposite. Based on this, it is difficult to say for sure whether it is better to remain modest or, on the contrary, to do everything for show.

Probably everyone will remember a situation in life when the arrogant behavior of another person humiliated their dignity or offended them, causing outrage. This behavior causes negative emotions. Similar feelings arise when we see unbridled behavior, etc.

Now imagine a girl who, embarrassed, lowers her gaze. Or a man who gives way, offers his hand. Good manners, modesty and respect are almost synonymous concepts. You can remain a modest person, but confident. And it is these individuals who are able to achieve what they want.

Modesty in Religion

All religious movements They encourage people to be simple, humble, and make do with little. The desire for pleasure, in any of its manifestations, has never been welcomed by religions. On the contrary, it is generally accepted that giving up such pleasures will cleanse the body and soul and bring them closer to spiritual benefits.

The opposite of modesty in the religious understanding is pride. This is a sin because it does not allow the individual to show forgiveness, compassion, and humility. Even Christ himself washed his feet own students. IN this action there is a hidden importance that is not immediately noticeable. Hidden here is not just the meaning of renouncing superiority, but also the sacrament of purifying the soul.

Pros of modesty

Let's consider the pros and cons of such a quality as modesty. Let's start with the positive side.

Usually modesty is inherent in girls because it is characteristic of them this quality, it is a decisive factor in creating character. Modest girls have always been an example of femininity. This quality was considered an indicator of manners, politeness, and education. From childhood, girls were taught rules, etiquette, and good manners in schools. Initially, they were instilled with modesty.

IN current time modesty has no such thing high value, but did not go unnoticed. WITH people like this It’s easier to communicate, they are not rude, they don’t offend people. At the same time, we are always ready to help and support. These people do not exalt themselves above others; they maintain some distance. Such a person is unlikely to be able to ask you for anything, but he will gladly fulfill your requests, even to his own detriment.

Modest individuals rarely become the center of intrigue or gossip; rumors do not circulate about them. If you do not like to be in the center of the company, you are an altruist, then modesty is your quality.

Disadvantages of modesty

But not everyone is sure that modesty should be classified as positive trait personality. Some consider this trait to be the reason for unluckiness, because modesty is the main disadvantage of a modern person.

But in reality, what does the world know about humble individuals? Nothing. None of famous people cannot be called modest or insecure. Based on this, it is concluded that modesty is not required to achieve heights and prosperity. But this is not the entire list of disadvantages. Modesty causes failure on the personal front.

According to statistics, most prefers men modest girls, but in practice everything is different. Modesty interests a representative of the stronger sex only in the initial stages, when it acts as a mystery. But if it does not go away with the development of the relationship, then the man loses interest and switches to more relaxed representatives of the fairer sex.

It turns out that due to excessive modesty a girl is capable of losing her chance and being left alone. This quality is a hindrance not only on the personal front, but in building a career. Moving up when you do all the work for yourself and your colleagues and do not try to get a salary increase becomes impossible.

Humble individuals never desire leadership. What they have is enough for them; they do not try to improve their lives. It is worth saying that there are enough arguments against modesty to force you to reconsider your own attitude towards this trait. Modesty gains negative traits, If:

is on display. This approach is often used insecure people. The one who demonstrates his own shyness and modesty achieves praise. Such actions are called false modesty;
natural modesty is called positive quality, if it did not become the cause of complexes. Often excessive modesty and lack of self-confidence become a real problem. They do not allow the personality to develop.

The reason for excessive modesty, as psychologists are sure, can be the following factors:

genetic. Researchers claim that there is a gene for shyness. From the moment of birth, it is noticeable in individuals with an unstable nervous system;
upbringing. The wrong approach to education and lack of communication skills become constraining for a person, they force him to become overly shy;
childhood trauma. Because of the shock that the person experienced in early age, many qualities can suffer, so modesty is not an exception.

How to get rid of modesty

There are several options for answering the question of how to get rid of modesty. One of them involves character building, training and special classes. Another is to seek support from a specialist. For self-training of character, the following recommendations are suitable:

If you want to do or say something, do it, even if the words or actions turn out to be stupid.
Communicate with others more often. You should not refuse a possible meeting with classmates, classmates, colleagues or friends. Remember, in childhood modesty does not hinder communication.
Stop beating yourself up over failure at something. On the contrary, celebrate what you did well. Think about how to fix what doesn't work.
Use the “casual acquaintance” training. To do this, come to a place where there are a lot of people and try to meet and communicate with complete strangers.

If the above methods do not help, then you need to contact a professional psychological help. The expert will conduct all the required diagnostic tests, and if necessary, develop an action plan and tell you how to overcome modesty.

But fight it personal quality is required only when it acquires excessive character. With moderate modesty, be proud of this feeling, remember that it is a person’s adornment.