We have been married for more than 22 years; we met at college almost 25 years ago and dated for about 3 years before marriage. And it turned out after a series of quarrels that he long time there is a mistress. As he told me, I am with her in body and soul and I want to build a relationship with her, I don’t know what mine will be like new life and whether it will happen at all, but I really want to be happy. His mistress worked with him, was 14 years younger, was not married, always positive, a professional athlete, motorcycle racer and football player - the complete opposite of me. This has already happened in our lives, 12 years ago, then I asked him to sort out the relationship and leave home, then my daughter was about 8 years old, but he returned a month later and we began (as it seemed to me) a new life. However, as time showed, he became bored again, I could not provide him with drive. When this time I asked what he was missing, he answered - love. I explained to him that I love him very much, this feeling is different than in my youth, it is all-encompassing, growing into the depths of consciousness and body and soul. Can’t it be a manifestation of love to take care of him (food was often served in bed, which was exclusively according to his taste and needs, foot massage, his interests were always taken into account, he had hobbies (bathhouse, fishing, volleyball, etc.)?? He He said that we have been together for too long and this is affection, but there is no love. It became impossible for me to breathe... Then I realized that he doesn’t love me.. He quit in November and since then he has only been looking for a meeting with his mistress. her, he was irritated with me, angry and long ago excluded intimate relationships with me. I cried and tried to talk to him, to which I received the answer - it’s impossible to poke at my own body. Then I resigned myself and waited for him to accept me (years passed), it turned out that he was satisfied with his mistress.... Now it’s very difficult for me to take an independent path. Old connections are breaking (our friends are his childhood friends), a student daughter, a dacha, cars, housing issues - all decisions must be made by yourself. It is not clear to ask him for help or to turn on pride. He loves his daughter very much, tries to improve relations with her after he leaves, but she keeps her distance. When he left, he didn’t even tell me that he was leaving, he told his daughter about it, early in the morning we were still sleeping. He doesn’t want to communicate with me and avoids me --- he says it hurts him. He writes SMS to his daughter - how are you. While he lives in our vacant apartment, he took all his things away from us and already transported some of his things to her, they went to the resort, but then again in the apartment he comes to his senses from the resort.. When I managed to talk to him at the beginning of his departure, he asked to let us go and he would no longer be able to live like us, promised to help in everything (we are family, we have a daughter) and asked not to refuse his help. Doesn't offer help right now. I don’t know whether to impose myself with requests or never ask for anything and try to start independent life. My health, of course, has deteriorated over these 2 months, and I’ve lost 10 kg, I cry every day, sometimes in my life. I am 45 years old, he is 46, my mistress is 32. Sometimes I think that I will always wait for him, sometimes that I can’t, I have to put an end to it, but how? You can’t cut off your head, endless thoughts about him and them. I understand that I have a daughter, an elderly mother, I need to pull myself together (he told me you are strong, I know you can handle it)
They lived together happily for 30 years and ended their marriage with divorce. Judging by the statistics of registry offices, the majority family stories in Russia it ends like this - only the length of life together is different. Out of 1,000 marriages, 700 break up. Last week, the country’s president entered into this statistics by announcing that he and his wife were breaking off their relationship. But 30 years of marriage is no joke. And divorces at this time are not uncommon. We talked with psychologists Kirill Khlomov ( psychological center"Crossroads") and Vyacheslav Moskvichev (Culture of Childhood Foundation)
A person who has never been divorced in his life is very rare,” says family consultant Vyacheslav Moskvichev.
It’s true: I, Vyacheslav himself, and Kirill Khlomov, my second interlocutor, all have this experience. But it is generally accepted that marriage is always good, and divorce is always bad, and the first question that psychologists are asked on this topic is: why do people get divorced? It is clear that each couple will find their own reason or write the trivial “they don’t get along.” And yet, what exactly needs to be lost in order to live for many years? common life, admit: is it over?
By by and large there are only three reasons for which they support family relationships, says Kirill Khlomov. - The first is if people can enjoy it together. It doesn’t matter what: from sex, from power, from travel or joint meditation. The second reason is joint development. When one partner develops the other. Ideally, both each other. It’s bad when this development is imposed. For example, one person develops the other “into power, into publicity,” but the partner does not want this. If we consider the president’s divorce as an example, it is possible that Lyudmila Putina did not want such a “development.” And the third reason, the most common, is co-parenting children. But when the children grow up, common field There is no activity left for the spouses. And this really feels like the completion of a project: goals have been achieved, but new meanings have not been found.
Family psychologists, of course, do not advise divorce at every opportunity and even, on the contrary, call for saving the family, looking for compromises and finding common topics and values that will help develop relationships. But if it becomes clear that there are no internal resources in order to save the family, no, divorce turns out to be the best solution. Including for children.
Divorce is a civilized designation for changes in relationships, says Khlomov. - And marriage is not a way to own a person. But in our country, despite the divorce statistics, people do not know how to separate. Firstly, it’s scary, and secondly, it’s condemned by society. In the eyes of society, a stable marriage is a sign of a person’s decency and trustworthiness. Especially if this person occupies a high position. Thus, the reasons that keep spouses together are not internal, but external. Which sometimes creates unbearable tension in the family. And if it comes to divorce, it turns out bloody.
Crises family life have long been described, although they are as conventional as a midlife crisis: the first year - perhaps disappointment in a partner, three years - they could not establish relationships, seven years - the question of whether there are children and, if so, how to raise them, is being decided, ten years - fatigue from each other has accumulated. After 20 years of marriage - the children have grown up, old age is approaching - the question is increasingly heard in my head: “Why am I really living, what am I spending my years on, of which there are not many left anymore?!” And the thought of divorce as the beginning of a new life, a new youth seems to be a solution to the problem and gives a feeling of immortality: everything can start over again. You don't have to grow old.
Vyacheslav Moskvichev names three risk factors for marriage “over 30 years”: children leaving home, financial well-being and meeting “the real one, the one I’ve been looking for all my life” - an often younger person who gives hope: life can be lived anew. That is again.
And money plays a big role here important role, - emphasizes Moskvichev. - God forbid, strong material stability, and even worse - wealth, and it seems to a person that he is omnipotent, can fix everything and arrange it by providing financially ex-wife and children. After all, in our country, marriage is also a form of survival. Especially when spouses reach retirement age and a joint pension makes it possible not to be extremely destitute in old age.
In general, “love to the grave” is a very complicated thing. There are two extreme and harmful stereotypes associated with it: fate decides everything, you need to choose “your person.” And if a marriage falls apart after 30 years, that means it’s not real love was. They were mistaken, therefore. Or, on the contrary: any relationship can be built if you do it right. As always, the truth is in the middle: you need to build correctly and with someone with whom you can actually do it. But people change throughout their lives. And - what actually is main reason“age-related” divorce - change at different speeds.
In Russia, despite all the feminist fads, it is men who make their careers, says Moskvichev. “But the whole family is working to implement it.” He begins to perceive himself differently, his environment, the degree of publicity, self-esteem, and self-image changes. Harshness and intolerance often appear. But the wife did not marry the boss, she knows another person. Women often show a different direction. They are looking for spirituality: yoga, church, psychology courses, personal growth. As a result they live parallel life, they have different values and a lot of loneliness. In order to somehow correlate these changes, energy and desire are needed.
A family cannot be built on one project, says Moskvichev. - A family is more like a team with many projects and the constant creation of new ones. If after 30 years of marriage a divorce occurs, most likely this is only a fixation of what has already happened before. That is, people gradually became strangers and, most likely, lost contact a long time ago.
However, even if divorce is civil and brings the desired release for both, it is always traumatic. And it is experienced as a loss.
A spouse is not just someone who lives nearby, he is a witness of life in the smallest detail, explains Kirill Khlomov. - A person himself may not remember everything about his life as well as his companion. It all happened in reality, and the partner’s memory is like a document, like evidence. To lose it is to lose a part of yourself, even if the breakup itself will bring relief. But it is impossible to get rid of something unnecessary without losing something important. Everything has its price.
Divorce should not lead to the devaluation of the entire long experience, adds Moskvichev. - I always ask divorcing spouses: “What would you take with you?”
The problem is that high-ranking wives are unlikely to turn to family psychologist: personal information is too closed, unless it is a foreign psychologist.
What do you think it means for the country - in psychological sense- President's divorce? - I ask Khlomov.
On the one hand, officials who maintain relationships for the sake of status may decide to divorce. On the other hand, it is possible that stupid subordinates will begin to act like monkeys and “honest actions of real men” who “consummate their marriages” with old wives will rain down like from a cornucopia.
It seems that the spouses who celebrated their silver wedding will grow old together and die on the same day. They have adult children, perhaps they already have grandchildren, they lived together - no joke! - a quarter of a century and it seems nothing can shake their relationship. But in reality, everything is far from being as rosy as it looks at the celebration of another wedding anniversary. If there are problems in the family, they grow every year, if there is a crack, then time only increases it.
Divorce after 30 years of marriage or more is quite possible. This sometimes requires a lot good reason, and sometimes no apparent reason is needed. It all depends on how the relationship between the spouses developed all these years, how they felt in each other’s company.
Reasons for divorce after several decades of marriage
- Treason. It doesn’t matter when it was - now or long ago. The main thing is that they remember about her, that the memory of her does not allow you to live in peace and enjoy the company of your soulmate. The resentment towards the traitor can persist for more than one year, and as soon as the time was right in the opinion of the spouse, he filed for divorce and broke off the marital relationship with the one who once betrayed him. Usually the catalyst for such divorces is the growing up of children. The one who holds the grudge had some kind of psychological threshold, for example, the child’s coming of age or his graduation from college, and when the threshold was reached, the decision to divorce ripened instantly. Divorce in this case is perceived as liberation from the society of a disgusted person.
- Love. All ages are truly submissive to love. It can come to a young and mature person. AND mature man will appreciate it more and be able to preserve it. He will now prefer to spend time with his loved one and loving person than with the one to whom you are accustomed long years together. After 40-50 years, feelings are valued more than in youth and youth, therefore loving ready for their sake, make sacrifices, including divorce after many years of marriage.
- Negative family environment. Constant “sawing” from year to year, reproaches, scandals, quarrels and showdowns spoil any relationship. Sometimes, apart from the stamp and the marriage registration certificate, the spouses have nothing in common. Well, perhaps they are still children of common blood. They run away from such families at any age, as soon as the opportunity arises.
- Intimate dissatisfaction. If the husband is no longer able to fully respond to his wife’s sexuality, or the wife, after menopause or undergoing surgery “like a woman,” which often happens with middle-aged women, loses interest in sex, then even after three decades of marriage, this can lead to separation .
- Alcohol or other addiction. This reason divorce rates practically do not depend on the age of the spouses. If one of them has an addiction, the second either endures and becomes codependent himself, or breaks all ties with the alcoholic (drug addict, gambling addict) decisively and completely. Sometimes it happens that one of the spouses—usually a woman—endures, as in the case of infidelity, up to a certain threshold and divorces her husband upon reaching this threshold. There is no justification for such long-suffering. Children do not need a dependent father, especially if he puts the family in a difficult financial situation, practices physical violence against his wife and/or children, and becomes aggressive and uncontrollable. As a husband, he is also worthless. Therefore, you should not wait for anything; you should immediately divorce a man if he has an addiction.
Positive aspects of late divorces
- If life with an ex-husband was difficult, tense, the relationship was unhealthy, then after a divorce and freedom from the burden of a hateful family life, men and women become younger before our eyes, stop getting sick and feel better. full of strength. Late divorce is a chance to live the second part of your life freely and happily.
- There is a chance to fall in love and establish a relationship with a truly loved one. Perhaps such a person has been in mind for a long time, but connectedness marriage ties did not allow me to give free rein to my feelings and desires. Divorce provides an opportunity to respond to the call of love and build a pure and healthy relationship on its basis.
- It is possible to devote yourself to your favorite business or hobby. It often happens that a talented artist fixes cars in a car repair shop, and a brilliant actress balances the books. This usually happens due to the fact that their parents or circumstances chose the profession for them. And then you can’t change your occupation because it’s not supported own family, I’m scared to quit my job, I don’t want to risk the financial well-being of my children. But personal needs do not disappear; they make themselves known from time to time. And when children no longer need parental support, the artist or actress divorces their spouse, who has not understood their nature all their lives, quits their job or retires and begins to realize their talents.
- Gaining valuable experience. Experience is needed at any age. And therefore, although receiving it is paid for with nervous energy, it acts as a measure in subsequent relationships.
Negative aspects of late divorces
- It is very difficult to get used to living alone or with a new partner. The former husband, of course, seemed like a boring book he had read (what was he read, memorized by heart), but he had just as accurately learned all the habits and preferences of his other half. Former spouse I knew how much sugar to put in your tea, how many drops of Corvalol to drip in, and how to treat a lumbago in the lower back. Everything was familiar and known ten steps in advance. But it was also very convenient. It is not for nothing that after a divorce many people begin to live together again, unable to imagine their life without their former spouse.
- Society sharply condemns late divorces and reacts sharply to them with remarks such as “an old man with a beard,” “divorced in old age.” It is very difficult to find support and understanding for those who decide to divorce after 25 years of marriage.
- Misunderstanding of children. Even adult children worry about their parents’ divorce, although they have long been able to have their own families and live separately from their mothers and fathers. Sometimes a divorce destroys the relationship between the initiator of the separation and his children, and this relationship is never restored until the end of his life.
- Cardiovascular diseases. This danger lurks most of all among men. He and his wife developed a familiar rhythm sex life. Having become free, the man tries to “catch up on lost time.” He spends time with women who are younger and more active, or he falls in love with a woman and tries to surprise her with his experience. Abrupt change sexual tempo often leads to vascular spasms, increased blood pressure, and causes strokes and heart attacks.
- Exacerbation of chronic diseases. Divorce at any age is extremely stressful for a person. Against this background, they often worsen chronic diseases: diabetes, hypertension, gastritis and others. If the patient is in a pre-depressive state, then treatment can be complicated and take a long time.
- High likelihood of loneliness. Potential partners for life together are mostly married, and those who are divorced are usually not of interest as partners due to their negative qualities which led them to divorce.
Everyone answers this question themselves. You need to get a divorce when it is impossible to live together. You definitely need to get away from an alcoholic, drug addict, pathological liar, cruel and aggressive person, traitor. Moreover, you should break up with your spouse if his presence threatens the physical and mental health family members.
If you just got bored, wanted to experience a thrill, find a new partner, then it is better to first try to eliminate the cause of boredom in the family, try to find new interests together with your spouse, and then only decide on a divorce if nothing works out. Gone passion and subsided love can be turned into strong, tender friendship. This is why long-term unions are valuable - the spouses in them are not just partners in life together, but also true friends.
From relations of respect, mutual understanding, love and harmony they turn into relations of mutual intolerance and banal cohabitation.
She is sure that no one needs him, she has known him for a long time, knows all his shortcomings and has already for a long time sees only shortcomings. His good qualities do not come to her attention, she simply ignores them. He is not ideal, but she is not ideal either - each with their own shortcomings and advantages.
She has a low opinion of his appearance and believes that “who would covet such a thing.”
She doesn't think highly of him professional qualities, he now works separately and she simply is not aware of his career successes.
Moreover, she is sure that he should be grateful to her that she found him this job.
What about the husband? He was grateful for the work. But another woman appeared in his life, who saw in him something that Svetlana had not noticed for a long time. And the man, as they say, “floated” - he again received attention and care, and he himself took care with pleasure, because his care was also needed.
One fine day he left. Svetlana took this as if it was nothing and would come running back. Who can bear it but me.
And he filed for divorce. And soon he got married. This was a real blow! Because this is the final break. Because it turned out that someone really needed him.
Sveta was very worried about this, she was offended, hurt, bitter and humiliating. She herself valued her husband very low, in her mind he was already a worthless person and she was sure that no one needed him.
Not to say that she really needed him, but having a husband is a status married woman, i.e. She is in demand as a woman.
And suddenly, it turns out that no, this is not so, she is not needed even by such a worthless person, in her opinion, as her husband. This is a strong blow to self-esteem.
Who is right and who is wrong in this situation - I am not a judge, but I think that each of them has a share of their guilt in the fact that their family broke up.
It so happens that he now has new family, is happy now, what will happen next is unknown, everything is in his hands. Maybe he will learn from his first marriage and not make the same mistakes, but maybe not.
She is alone to this day, although 8 years have passed. At first she was sure that she would very quickly find a replacement for him, but for some reason there were no takers. The consciousness of being of no use to anyone only made her feel more painful.
I think that she needs to understand how and when and why it happened that they became strangers to each other and lived together by inertia.
But even now she has not changed her opinion and attitude towards her ex-husband. She still only sees his mistakes. Yes, life goes on, she has developed a habit of living with this pain.
But you can rethink your actions, see your mistakes, and work with these mistakes. Maybe then her life will also change and there will be a person who will see all the good things that she has been hiding for so long in the depths of her wounded soul.
Here's the story.
I can only add that family relationships are based on love, mutual respect, trust, and willingness to take responsibility for these relationships.
I think many saw something from their relationships.
- What do you think about this story?
- What would you do if you were Svetlana?
- What are your impressions of what you heard?
Write about it in the comments, because your opinion can help.
I wish you love and happiness!
P.S. If you liked or found this article useful, please rate the article out of 5 point scale. And share with your friends on in social networks. Thank you.
Hello! My name is Svetlana, and I’m quite old (49), but I’m confused, I can’t figure out my situation on my own. Please help me see reality.
My story is this. We lived with my husband for 25 years, everything happened, but I thought that we had happy marriage, and my husband and I will not part until our death. He was my first and only man. And so, four years ago, my husband fell in love with another woman and left, and now lives with that woman. He hasn’t divorced me, though, until now...
I literally died for probably almost two years. I can't say anything bad about my husband. I have a tiny salary and he, knowing this, still helps me financially. Although, all these years, we never met him again... And so, six months ago I met a man who insists on serious relationship with him. The man is my age.
And I don't know what to do next. If I was betrayed by a man whom I knew for a quarter of a century, then how can I trust a man whom I have known for only six months? And yet, I can’t understand why I’m afraid to file for divorce myself? After all, in fact, our family broke up four years ago. I do not know what to do. I’m completely alone, I have an adult son who lives in another country...
What advice can you give me from the outside?
Best regards, Svetlana
Answer from theSolution psychologist:
You are afraid to file for divorce because you are not ready for change.
Perhaps deep down in your heart you are afraid of being judged by some people. Maybe you were raised in the spirit of “woman is a keeper” hearth and home" The logical consequence of such an upbringing would be beliefs like: “if her husband left, then she is to blame” or something like that. You may find it difficult to adapt to the fact that everything in your life has changed.
Events have happened in your life that you did not expect.
Good people break up mainly for one reason. And this reason is huge between partners. If one of the couple has gone far ahead in his development, and the other has remained at the same level, then separation in such situations is a matter of time. And it’s not a fact that in your situation you are the losing party.
You have the opportunity to love again, to create relationships again.
You feel afraid to trust a new man because you expect “love for life.” Don't set such a goal for yourself. You absolutely do not need to immediately marry a new man. You are forty-nine years old, and no one will scold you for sexual relations without a stamp in the passport.
You can invite a man to build an emotional union.
To begin with, you can only stop at stage 1 - emotional and sexual fidelity. You can simply meet him and experience the joy of intimacy. You may discover a lot of new things, given that ex-husband was your first and the only man. Do not agree to live with him in the same territory until you are sure that he good lover and truly feels a deep sense of love for you.
Once you are sure that you are a good match for each other sexually, suggest working through the issues regarding each other slowly and gradually. Then, and only then, suggest moving on to building the third stage, i.e. try living together in the same territory. And only if both of you are satisfied with everything, then enter into an agreement to create a marriage and family. Pay special attention to building emotional intimacy and the ability to vary psychological distance. This will allow you to learn how to support
