Excessive touchiness - poor quality character. Firstly, people are uncomfortable communicating with you, because you can be offended by any joke or phrase, but constantly control yourself when talking to touchy person- little pleasure. Secondly, resentment causes enormous harm to the offended person, because the feeling is painful, destructive, oppressive, bordering on vindictiveness and malice. Therefore, you need to stay as far away from touchiness as possible, not let it reach the threshold of your soul, and learn to quickly forgive offenders.
1. Strike while the iron is hot. Most the right way to fight offence is not to be offended at all. In essence, resentment is our internal decision, our attitude to the situation, our own subjective interpretation of reality. To put it simply, it’s my business: if I wanted to, I was offended, if I didn’t want to, I didn’t. How can you control yourself so as not to be offended in the first place?
2. Take care of your image. Personally, it helps me to think that the people I communicate with find it unpleasant to deal with someone who is “always offended over trifles.” And in general, it ruins my image cheerful person. So take note of this, and before you get offended by someone, think that you are losing the feeling in the first place self-esteem. And the offender? Well, what can you take from him! So he took it and said such a “byucka”.
3. Warning. Before you get seriously offended, you can warn your interlocutor: “Why did you say that? I’ll be offended now!” You can even pout offendedly at this. Nobody likes to offend people, join . Well, perhaps only out of a feeling of revenge, and in a fit of anger. But, as a rule, situations of resentment arise due to nonsense, everyday trifles and misunderstandings. Therefore, if you are really offended when your interlocutor makes a bad joke, use a warning about offence. In 99% of situations it will immediately follow: “Sorry, I didn’t mean to, don’t be offended.” The main thing is to be able to really not be offended at this moment and smile at this “scoundrel.” We all have the right to make mistakes, and so does this person sitting across from us.
4. Habit and character. In general, touchiness is a character trait, and character is formed by habits. You are used to flaring up at every occasion, and you react this way to every nonsense. Cultivate “offense tolerance” in yourself, seize the moments when you are ready to be offended, and... change the habit. For example, you can send everyone “to the garden”, you can turn everything into a joke, you can simply control the process of formation of emotions, knowing that now I will not be offended, and my precious character will change to an even more golden one.
5. Who is the offender? The funny thing is that we're offended we usually focus on people we care about. Well, it’s logical that if we don’t give a damn about a person, then he can easily keep his opinion about us to himself. But it’s enough for our beloved to simply not notice our new dress, and we are already offended. Learn not to make too many demands on your loved ones. He, the beloved, is exactly the same as the stranger Vasya, with his own emotions and sensations. And he didn’t intend to offend you, you just react to this more sharply due to your own feelings. Do not raise the bar for claims against a person just because he is dear to you; rather, on the contrary, forgive him as soon as possible.
6. I take revenge and my revenge is terrible. You may also be offended revenge for your offense. And we understand perfectly well, deep down in our hearts, that we were simply taken revenge. Yes, revenge is a bad thing and unworthy, but do not rush to take offense right away. After all, if you took revenge, it means that you have a “stigma in the cannon”, which means that you also offended the person. What you gave is what you received. So try to understand your guilt and accept the deserved punishment. It's your own fault.
7. What if you are already offended? We are all alive People. And sometimes “burying” emotions in yourself is worse than letting them out. But the release of emotions is not development, deepening or “cherishing” them. If you have already understood and realized that resentment is here, here in your soul and gnawing at you, then try following methods struggle.
8. Give time time. Sometimes resentment- it’s just a superficial emotion that rages in your soul for some time. Harmful, psychotic, hot-tempered... All the signs are there! Well... Let the storm rage, but just don’t let the offender get close to you at this moment, because you will “tear it to shreds.” It is better to go through a storm of emotions alone, because when it all boils over, you will be able to soberly assess the situation and not aggravate the resentment and quarrel.
9. Constructive dialogue. Our complexes sit deep inside us. And often we cannot admit to ourselves that this or that remark, comparison, phrase is unpleasant to us. But the resentment will not go away until we ourselves understand what exactly hurts and confuses us. Don't rush to blame external world, deal with your inner world. Do you understand the reason? Now calmly, without unnecessary emotions, try to explain to the offender what exactly and why offended you so much. If this is a person close to you, or just a person whom you respect and are going to continue communicating with him, then this method will be the most correct and civilized. He will understand. He's not an insensitive blockhead either. And then, don’t forget, the person has no idea why you haven’t talked to him for the third day. Explain yourself.
10. If you are offended, ask for forgiveness! If you dear man- ask for forgiveness first! Yes, sometimes, in order to get rid of resentment, you should ask for forgiveness yourself. This move acts like a cold shower on the offender, and he usually begins to ask for forgiveness after you. After all, it happens that you were offended, and you could not restrain yourself, responded, quarreled... On the one hand, the offense torments, and on the other, it is unlikely that your interlocutor will be in a good mood after a quarrel and will come running to ask for forgiveness. So, decide for yourself how important a person and a relationship with him is to you.
11. Old grievances. Well, now you learned quickly forgive, or not be offended at all. And there are also old grievances that, no, no, periodically pop up in the memory and interfere with life. Psychologists advise mentally “replaying old grievances in reverse,” like a movie reel. Imagine all the details of the quarrel from end to beginning, and then from the beginning, but come up with the ending yourself. For example, imagine that a person tells you at the end a completely different phrase that increases your self-esteem, or gives you a compliment, or falls to his knees and asks for forgiveness. This visualization practice does not work instantly, and requires some training. But then, if you master it, you can even get rid of childhood grievances and traumas. What does a person need to be happy? So that they do not offend and love us, so tender and vulnerable.
In this situation, we are in no hurry to forget all the bad things and reflect on what happened. In our heads we hear: “I was offended, very much offended.” Yes, loving people Sometimes they quarrel and most often over trifles. One thing you need to remember is that in order for your relationship to be strong and long, you need to forgive each other’s insults. Before finding the answer to the question: “How to stop constantly being offended by your loved one,” you need to find the reasons for the occurrence of grievances.
One of the most important reasons is the discrepancy between our expectations and reality. We hope that our loved one will behave the way we want, but it turns out the opposite. And then we realize that our templates, which we created in our heads a long time ago, are breaking. This is the reason why resentment arises.
The second reason is that we consider ourselves perfect and have no shortcomings. “How dare he reprimand me!” - These words of indignation make us take offense at our loved one. And there is also intentional insult. This is when we want to get some benefit or cause guilt in loved one. Or maybe it’s fatigue that makes us constantly be offended by our loved one. Any words spoken are then taken seriously by us and cause irritability and resentment.
The next reason for resentment is the accumulation of life's troubles. Sometimes, constantly being offended, we pursue some goals. One of these goals is manipulation. We get offended for no reason, to force dear person say or do what we need.
The next goal being pursued is blackmail. By being offended, we force our loved one to suffer and thus pay for actions that we do not like. And another goal is self-justification. By being offended, we absolve ourselves of all responsibility for what happened and can do nothing to correct the situation. Having analyzed all the reasons and purposes for the occurrence of grievances, we will look for the answer to the question: “How to stop constantly being offended by your loved one?”
First, you need to change yourself a little. This is very difficult to do, but it is within our power, because man creates himself.
Secondly, always remember that your loved one is also a person who has his own desires, habits and needs. Sometimes put yourself in his shoes. Feel everything he feels.
If the reason for your resentment is fatigue, then try to get a good rest, have fun, or maybe just read a good book.
If you begin to feel that you are offended by the words of your loved one and you are about to be offended, stop and look at this situation through the eyes of some object that is next to you and imagine what he thinks about you and all this. Believe me, you will find it funny. The most unpleasant thing is when you cannot understand the reasons for your grievances against a loved one or you do not know how to deal with these grievances, then you need to consult a psychologist. And the sooner you do this, the better it will be for you.
You need to remember one thing: before you take offense at your loved one, think about whether you will regret it after a while. After all, resentment consists of five layers: anger or irritation; Yours heartache; fear of losing the most dear and beloved person; repentance; Love.
After all, most often we are offended by the one we love most. If we are offended by a loved one, and even if the offense is justified, still give him the opportunity to explain the reason for his action. This will help you maintain your relationship and strengthen your love.
What's the truth, brother? Dedicated to all fighters for truth.
I don’t know about you, but I’m already tired of adding “explainers” to every word I say in case it offends someone. It feels like if I publish an article without considering all possible negative feelings, which this article is even indirectly capable of causing, there is a risk of receiving a flurry of angry opinions in response. If I write or comment on something, I measure it seven times before I post my words online, so as not to inadvertently offend anyone.
In a world where patience and acceptance are encouraged, people are often touchy, especially some Christians. Too often we act like watchdogs, sniffing out “tidbits” everywhere, which can be labeled as “offensive, tactless and even heretical.”
The Russian language, with all its richness, does not give us absolute possibility avoid a situation where someone gets offended. We can only try to clearly express our thoughts, and if there are any “provocative” topics, do not add fuel to the fire by being excessively provocative.
It seems like a new trend in fashion is to be offended.
So, if you happen to come across a tweet/blog/article/sermon/ choose your option, where the position seems wrong and offensive to you, ask yourself a few questions before you “grab your gun” and open fire:
Is it really that important?
There are situations when speaking out against an idea is very important. We should be annoyed by injustice and there are many righteous ways to restore justice. But it also happens that disputes are centered around personal opinions and minor disagreements, and is it really so important to argue about this?
By fixating on things that are valuable to God, we lose the ability to be offended by trifles. We must stop and think about what is really important in the context of eternity, in the context of God's Kingdom. What really matters? We as Christians have broad moral obligations, but we also have a bunch of different ones that aren't particularly important topics for discussions.
Is this my fight?
Your relationship in Christ does not give you the right to interfere in any discussion. Some believers insert themselves into any discussion between brothers and sisters, thinking that it is their responsibility to participate and take sides.
The only question is, do you have a sufficient personal relationship with the person you want to rebuke or correct? If a person publicly misrepresents your shared values and your faith, remember that we will all one day be accountable to God for all we do and say. God is the main Judge. In an age of complete dissolution of man in the media space, we should not give in to the temptation to always state our position and declare who is right and who is wrong, be it a theological or political debate.
Am I looking for humility?
Paul writes to the church at Philippi: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility of mind consider each other better than yourselves.” Sometimes there is something in the conflict you witness that reveals certain things in your own heart, reveals your own desires and selfish priorities. Be willing to admit you were wrong and repent. Sometimes you really are right, eh opposite side completely wrong. And it can be especially difficult if the other side simply does not see it and cannot admit it. But before you get offended and send the conflict to new round escalation, try to humbly ask the question: is your rightness capable of adding something to the treasury of eternity, are you not acting in this situation as the Judge of all humanity?
What don't I know?
Your life is unique, your values and opinions are the result of your life path. The person you are arguing with also has a unique life path. Each of us receives our own unique portion of joys and sorrows. Life consists of more than just what is visible at first glance. Perhaps your opponent is going through life difficulties and pain, solves some specific problems in his life or character. Give people a little grace, try to think the best about them, refuse to “read a person between the lines,” and don’t immediately run to them with denunciations of their opinions and positions.
We don't need to justify bad behavior, but it’s always a good idea to acknowledge that we don’t see the whole picture. Proverbs 26:11 talks about stupid man, who always returns to his stupidity, and only then - about the danger of seeing himself as a wise person.
Give people a little grace, try to think the best about them, refuse to “read a person between the lines,” and don’t immediately run to them with denunciations of their opinions and positions.
From time to time you will find yourself in a situation where you need to take a fight, and your opponent is someone you know well. It is very important in such a situation to ask yourself two last questions:
Can I change this? Should I?
If you have thought about this, if you have carried this burden for a long time, prayed and sought humility, weighed all opinions, found biblical justifications for entering into battle, then you can “go on the attack” and reprove the one who needs to be rebuked.
It may be painful and almost inappropriate to go on the attack, but sometimes you can step on someone’s feet, even if they are the feet of a king. When you have an opinion that is important to voice, important to you, important to others, it may be time to present your opinion to your abuser. Christians are commanded to reprove in love. Our attack must be seasoned with grace, especially when the words of the offender are met without much joy. This world (the Internet especially) is full of things that can offend us. But there is always a choice: to be offended or to pass by. If we do not dwell on grievances, we have an excellent opportunity to avoid the Pharisaic self-justification in which Jesus denounced His religious contemporaries - these people were so mired in their religiosity that they did not see the Messiah when He came to them. I don’t want to miss Christ behind the debates and arguments when He enters my room. Because everything will pass, and one day we will see Christ. And this is the most important thing.
“Have you been offended by a kind person? - Do not believe.
Bad? - Don’t be surprised” © Seneca
Resentment is a state inherent children's age, it is there that it originates, and then accompanies us throughout life.
However, resentment is normal. human feeling. IN Everyday life this feeling arises when events occur that are unplanned by us, something unpleasant happens to us. All of a sudden Life is going not along the route or plan as we would like. We don’t know how to deal with this, we are not ready for such a turn of events, we want to protect ourselves from the situation, from circumstances, and how defensive reaction a feeling of resentment arises.
Resentment is a natural reaction that we will periodically experience and we can learn to control it, but deep down, sometimes we will be hurt and wounded.
There is another concept - resentment, that is, a chronic state of resentment.
What you and I definitely need to free ourselves from is touchiness as a quality of character. Touchiness is a more mental concept, it is already a state of mind. This is already a cause for concern. Psychologists say that touchiness is a manifestation of a child’s ego state. There is always a child inside each of us, regardless of our age. And this child is either happy or lonely inside us.
Sometimes it is he who makes decisions for us, issues emotional outbursts, unpredictable behavior, and it is he who is able to easily learn and find the most incredible creative solutions.
Don't let your inner child be touchy. Learn to respond correctly to grievances like a mature person
Often our negative emotions addressed to the wrong person. These are the so-called portable feelings, i.e. ones that I experienced or experienced as a small child.
Function mature man- show respect for a person when we must definitely clarify the situation, even if the interlocutor’s words cause us pain and resentment. Unfortunately, in most cases we do not want to hear each other, we only want to hear ourselves and the point of view that somehow coincides with ours.
In order to respond correctly to grievances, it is very important to learn to label your feelings. And you need to learn this in the model “I am messages” or “I am statements”
More often we say “you - by messages”. We say: “You annoy me, you bother me, you act this way or that way.” We always begin our speech with the pronoun “You”, and almost never say “I”.
What does “I am statements” mean?
As children, we were never taught to pay attention to our feelings and sensations. Thus, it is not common for us to understand ourselves and our feelings. But it is important to learn this understanding of yourself and your feelings.
How do “I-messages” help you respond correctly to grievances?
It is very important to understand that we always feel something. Learn to turn to your inner feelings and wishes before becoming offended by anyone. Then, try to speak out these feelings, starting with the pronoun “I”. For example: “I feel pain right now” or “I feel irritable right now” or “I feel scared right now” and “I am aware of how I feel in this moment time."
We need to study and understand such moments in order to learn how to respond correctly to grievances. The man accepted definite decision, he said hurtful or unpleasant words to you.
And you were offended by him, and you can carry this feeling of resentment for who knows how long. But if before that he told you: “You know, I’m completely shrunk inside right now. And I’m so uncomfortable inside myself and it’s like I can’t breathe.”
The person has indicated his feelings; will his words or intonation offend you in this case?
If you begin to understand your feelings and label them, you will soon begin to understand the feelings of other people. And then the hour will not be long when the offense will not be so destructive for you personally. To do this, keep a diary where you will describe all your feelings and emotional condition, starting with the words “as if...”.
And if you share your feelings and experiences with someone, you will be surprised to find that from time to time people experience the same condition. Then the understanding will come that the claim is not against people. The reason is not them, it is your condition that occurs periodically. And it is your decision whether to be offended or not.
99% of all grievances are portable feelings
In fact, there are few real grievances, and mostly we tend to resolve real grievances. That is, we have some real grievances, but one way or another we want to clarify them, we have a desire to clarify them. But when these are portable feelings, we feel that it is impossible to clarify, correct, we have a feeling of despair and helplessness, exactly the same feelings that we experienced when we were little. As a child, few people heard us, few people were interested in us, they simply told us: “Shut up, stop it immediately!”
It is this feature of transference feelings that is the reason that we prefer to distance ourselves, be offended, and angry. We get stuck in this emotion, exclusively in childhood condition. This means that your feelings were addressed to someone from your childhood.
If you have been offended, have the patience to understand that perhaps the person is projecting their childhood fears and grievances onto you.
How to stop being offended?
And when you are offended, just look at the offender. Think about who offended you in this way, who once ignored you. Where were you so hurt that now this person simply reminded you of this feeling? And now all those feelings that you had, having multiplied, you address to this innocent person. This is the essence of the offense.
Mental resentment as a social tool of pressure on others
Mental resentment is a resentment that practically does not let go, and this is our special taste for life. For example, when you were a child, your parents paid attention to you when you were offended. AND Small child I realized how to influence this world in order to be heard.
In adult life you use this emotion to influence and manipulate others.
Mental resentment occurs when one manipulates an illness or “pouting lips,” causing the other person to feel guilty.
The manipulator may have a sad expression on his face, sigh, when asked about his well-being, asks not to pay attention to him, etc. Often mothers unconsciously manipulate their children: “When I die, you’ll know...”
It is impossible to get rid of mental resentment, because a person is not in the mood to forgive at all. He gets a special taste from resentment. Such people often turn to a psychologist. But their goal is not to get rid of resentment, but to once again mourn themselves or prove to others that it is impossible to help, and that the psychologist is good for nothing. They play their favorite game “Yes, but...” and this game will never end.
How to properly respond to mental grievances?
Think about what should happen to your offender? Fair punishment - atomic bomb and imagine that it happened. Then ask yourself, “Are you satisfied?” No satisfaction.
Nothing can satisfy mental resentment. It's like throwing wood into a fire and waiting for it to go out. This is our desire to be offended. We have not learned to attract attention to ourselves any other way. Our racketeering emotions are to blame for this.
Tips to help you respond appropriately to grievances
- Firstly, it is necessary to distinguish between resentment and resentment.
- You can get rid of grievances only from a position of reason.
- People around us should not try to please us, otherwise it is either a manifestation of love, good character, or a favor.
- Try to perceive the actions of others as a favor, and not as obligatory actions. This will immediately show you that it is stupid to be offended and you need to enjoy life more.
- But do not forget that grievances can be small (and easier to forget), but there are also big ones that can bring serious suffering and leave emotional wounds.
“Nature has arranged it in such a way that insults are remembered longer than good deeds. Good things are forgotten, but insults stubbornly remain in the memory." Seneca
- Only those who hear at least a grain of truth in the words spoken are offended.
A defensive reaction kicks in and we try to escape awareness. internal problems and switch to the “offender”. Work on your weak character traits, and then some words will no longer be offensive.
- Conflict situations can attract resentment. Try to prevent conflicts or get out of them wisely.
- Be wary if your interlocutor repeats a mutual friend’s opinion about you. This automatically causes resentment and irritation. Don't gossip.
Respect yourself and don't let insults hurt you
