How to see yourself from the outside. What do I love most? What is love to me

Good afternoon
My mother often says that I don't know how to talk to people.
I agree with her. I've heard this from others too. My voice and intonations seem the same to me (the meaning I put into them), but people often perceive them differently (supposedly, I speak negatively).
But I don’t think that this is only my “merit”. The thing is that mentally I often blame my parents for all my failures. When I was little, I never stayed overnight with my cousins ​​(I have a lot of them), although this happened often with them, because it seemed to my mother that I would cause a lot of unnecessary trouble. I think that my dad taught me to lie when he defended me from my mother’s attacks. She had a stomach ulcer and was always screaming and nervous about everything. Memories from childhood: a screaming and swearing mother, summer with my grandmother, who didn’t even let me go out, and when I ran outside, my conscience then tormented me.
I have few friends since childhood, only a couple or three people. And, as a rule, life takes us to different cities, contacts are lost over time.
It's been almost a year since I left young man, with whom we lived together for 1.5 years. He smoked spice. I didn’t notice this at first, but when I saw everything with my own eyes, I began to fight it in every possible way. Then I realized that until he wants it, I am powerless. He greatly lowered my self-esteem during our communication: I was not good enough for him in everything and he did not skimp on accusations. I remember myself before meeting him and after - two absolutely different people. Now he is happy in a new relationship, in love and over his addiction.
And I perceive myself only with negative side. I think that I have a bad figure, that I am not competent at work, that I am not inquisitive enough, that I am not sociable, that I am lazy. And I can’t say that all this is subjective self-esteem. I have a hard time getting along with people. Sometimes I don’t have much time to talk to them (i.e. I don’t know what to talk about). I don’t like empty talk, although I understand that communication in a team is based on it.
Relationships with the opposite sex this moment no, because I’m not quite ready for this myself. After the breakup I talked to sufficient quantity men, but they all irritated me with their mediocrity.
I want to see myself from the outside and understand the reasons for my problem. I often quarrel with my mother (although I appreciate her in my heart, she did a lot for my education and now she tries to behave differently than in childhood, but I often hurt her with my words), I can be rude to my sister (she is a disabled person of the 2nd group and throughout her childhood I spent until finishing school with my grandmother in the village, then went to study in Kaluga region, in fact, we did not grow up together. She is 8 years older than me). I want to change for the better, but I just can’t bear it sometimes and not speak out. I want communication, relationships with the opposite sex, I want to value myself and what I have.
Thank you!

Hello Nastya!

You need to go to a psychologist and get ready for a long and serious work according to the scheme: disconnection from parents. raising self-esteem, defining your picture of the world and realizing it.

Another. What do you write? The thing is that mentally I often blame my parents for all my failures. It is clear that all 100% of our actions are based on our parent-child relationship. However, you are already an adult and have the right to decide to drag that negativity from childhood with you or make an effort to take the best from your childhood and live joyfully! For example: summer with my grandmother, who didn’t even let me go for a walk, and when I ran outside, my conscience then tormented me- your negativity; and now the positive - I had a grandmother who spent the whole summer with me, and she loved and worried about me so much that she didn’t even let me go for walks.....

Good luck with your self-development. By the way, you passed the first and second stages - you realized that you needed to change and wanted to!

Trotsenko Natalya Yurievna, psychologist Vladikavkaz

Hello Anastasia. You understand yourself very well, you see the reasons for your low self-esteem, you feel that you don’t like it, but for some reason that’s where it all ends. Of course, our parents did a lot of things wrong, without realizing it themselves at the time. Our task now is to rebuild ourselves the way we want. This is possible in psychocorrectional work. I think that you need the support of a psychologist. You understand a lot, now you need to build trusting relationship with a psychologist, apply the necessary psychotherapeutic techniques and you will feel inner warmth towards yourself - this is very pleasant. This feeling is worth it difficult work above oneself. I have walked this path myself - I know and recommend it. You only need to choose a psychologist that is right for you. Talk to different people and if you see that this psychologist himself has what you are looking for, then feel free to go to work. You can contact me, I work both in person and on Skype. Good luck to you.

Bylim Tatyana Anatolyevna, psychologist Stavropol

Most people do not understand their actions and the motives for their actions. This confuses many who think about the meaning of life and what to do next.

Psychologists have developed special questions that will help you and the reasons for your actions, emotions, failures. These questions are very simple, but they are absolutely necessary to ask yourself if you want to find out who you really are. Try answering the questions first and then reading the transcript to see if you know yourself well enough.

Who am I?

This is a rather difficult question, the answer to which cannot be found immediately. That's the whole point. You need to answer this as quickly as possible, otherwise you're in trouble. Every successful man should know who he is. The answer could be anything. YOU can answer: fireman, doctor, beautiful girl, good friend, athlete and so on.

What do I love most?

You shouldn’t think too long here either. Love is a pretty broad thing. Answer this question specifically. The question contains the word “what,” so answers like “your husband” or “your wife” or “mother” are prohibited.

What is my future?

There is also a philosophical catch here. One might answer that the future doesn't matter because special role only the present plays, but pragmatic people When answering this question, one always thinks much longer than in the case of previous questions.

How far are my dreams from me?

This good question for people over 30 years old. Life is about making dreams come true. This is a kind of equivalent to happiness, because the more goals you achieve, the happier you are. Ask yourself this question more often in everyday life.

How can I describe myself?

What qualities do you have? Try asking someone around you to answer this question and answer it yourself, without knowing what your friend answered. If your opinion differs the worst side, then you have low self-esteem. The qualities should be approximately the same for you and for the observer, since narcissism does not always lead to good things.

What are my shortcomings?

You always need to know what you need to work on. Everyone has shortcomings. Anyone who is familiar with them will follow the right path.

What am I hiding from people?

Assess your fears, your cockroaches. Share what you said to yourself now. Tell this to someone who will definitely tell no one. It is advisable that this is not your soulmate, neither brother, nor sister, nor mother or father. Let it be a casual acquaintance. Let him tell you his opinion about your secrets. Develop your courage.

What pisses me off most about people?

You just described something that irritates you and about yourself. Get rid of this so that people become different for you, so that your environment is cleared of qualities that you hate. Most likely, you attract it in some way.

What are my dependencies?

Smoking, alcohol, computer games, Internet. The list could go on forever. The problem is that a person cannot live without addictions. A person can find such an addiction that his friends, relatives and himself would not suffer from.

What do I regret?

You can't regret anything. Don't even think about it. If you have offended someone in the past, then ask the person for forgiveness, but do not regret what you did, because you would have done it anyway.

What are the most important things in my life?

As the hero of Chuck Palahniuk’s novel once said: “Only by losing everything completely do we gain freedom.” That’s right - don’t tie yourself to your super phone for an insane amount of money, to your apartment, to your car. If something brings you discomfort, then get rid of it. Does your car break down? It's time to sell it. Don't accumulate trash around you.

What is the meaning of life?

This main question all people. If you can answer it, then you are on the right track.

What is love to me?

The simplest question, which will show you what you should do for your loved one. The answer to this question is the answer to the question: “How to love a person correctly so that he loves me?”

Please note that all questions are directed to the present tense. Forget about the past. There is no time or point in analyzing it, because it has been forgotten. Only this minute, this day matters. Happiness is something that is always with you. Learn to generate it, because it is impossible to do right for everyone and it is impossible to be good for everyone. Good and evil are relative. Ask yourself these questions periodically so as not to lose the thread leading to happiness. Good luck and don't forget to press the buttons and

Sometimes it is difficult for us to look at ourselves from the outside. Lack of correct personal assessment often becomes main reason our problems at work and in personal life. We may seem smart, strong, capable of making responsible decisions, but in the eyes of others we appear in a completely different light. Not everyone is able to recognize true attitude colleagues and loved ones. So how do others see us?

Test questions:

1. What posture do you most often take during a conversation?

Stand or sit with your arms crossed over your chest (1 point)

Relaxed as much as possible, barely moving (2 points)

Gesture, click your pen, touch your hair, face, ear (3 points).

2. You can relax:

Sitting in lotus position (2 points)

Stretching your legs out in front of you (3 points)

Crossing your legs (1 point).

3. Your laughter:

Very loud, emotional (2 points)

Sincere, infectious (3 points)

You don't like to laugh, but you often show off your charming smile (1 point).

4. How do you get around?

Take quick steps, look at your feet (1 point)

Slowly, at a walking pace, with your head held high (3 points)

B not very fast pace, looking around (2 points).

5. When you come to visit, you:

Make your appearance as noticeable as possible - greet loudly, joke, laugh (3 points)

Waiting for an invitation to join the company while standing in the hallway (1 point)

You start communicating first with the person who invited you, and then with other guests (2 points).

6. Do you most often dream that you:

Are you an outside observer of some situation (1 point)

Act as direct participant events (3 points)

You rarely have dreams, and you usually do not remember them (2 points).

On your side, legs bent and pulled towards your chest (1 point)

On the stomach (2 points)

On your back, arms and legs relaxed and spread to the sides (3 points).

8. If you're busy important matter and someone distracts you, you:

You get very upset, it takes a long time to come to your senses and continue what you started (1 point)

You feel relief, after a break you return to work with renewed vigor (3 points)

Remain unperturbed (2 points).

Test results:

Calculate your points.

LESS THAN 10 POINTS

In the eyes of others, you are a timid, indecisive person, incapable of independent activity. You often get irritated, take everything that happens to heart and, according to most people, need constant care and control.

Advice. You need to become strong man independent of the opinions of outsiders. Control your emotions. Don't let others make decisions for you. Try to involve others in your affairs as little as possible, do not ask for help, then people will understand that you are able to do without their support.

10-15 POINTS

You are slow to jump to conclusions, and some of your friends may think that you are too slow. However, people who know you better will understand that you are not just stalling for time, but calculating possible options developments of events. You can rightfully be called a practical person.

Advice. Learn to distinguish the significance of certain events that happen to you. In many life situations decisions need to be made quickly, while some actually require a serious approach. For example, you shouldn’t carefully plan a trip to the store, but you should prepare thoroughly for a wedding.

16-20 POINTS

Do you like to surprise your family and friends? interesting ideas. You great feeling humor and always good mood. They trust you. You are comfortable being the center of attention, and you cope well with this role.

Advice. Behave naturally, because you easily manage to please people. However, remember: if a person is upset about something, he will not be able to support your positive attitude. Do not demand from people what they, due to circumstances, are not able to give you.

MORE THAN 20 POINTS

In any team you occupy a leading position, often due to your shocking behavior. You like to shock others. You can handle any difficulties. You are perceived as a domineering, stubborn person, and they envy your business acumen and ability to make quick decisions. But few people will want to become your friend.

Advice. You have a lot of envious people. If you fail, no one will give you a helping hand. Don’t put pressure on others, you are already quite bright personality. Learn to give in, this will not be a manifestation of weakness, but of the flexibility that you so lack.

For what.

If you look at yourself from the outside more often:

You will have a lot of information to work on yourself;

You will react much less painfully to criticism and “attacks” on yourself and your loved one.

And in general, if you yourself have already seen everything in yourself, what do you care about who says and thinks about you? No way!

When you learn to look at yourself from the outside and analyze your mistakes, it will be easier for you to navigate what is happening in your life. You will no longer groan and reproach fate for what happened to you. You will quite easily understand the “bells” from your human essence, you will understand what “problems” of yours it is time to work with.

That is, awareness will significantly increase in your life. And that's great! It’s so nice to understand what is happening in your own life.

What is important.

1. When you look at yourself from the outside, it is important to keep your attention only on yourself and not slide into the search for reasons and explanations why “they” (“he” - “she” - “life itself” - “your destiny” - etc.) d.) SO with you!!! got it right!!! they did to you.

Time will put everything in its place. Moreover, this will happen taking into account the work you have done to realize your mistakes and stupidities. So, there’s no point in delving into other people’s troubles. REMEMBER the basic principle of eniology - look for the reasons in yourself.

Behind the desire to understand those who have caused you harm and pain, there is most likely a desire to find evidence for yourself of your own value to these people. That is, such a desire is nothing more than a manifestation of your “touched to the quick” ego.

And therefore, trying to understand others in situations that are problematic for you is a step into subjectivity, a step towards your ego.

And now we just don’t need this. We need to see ourselves from the outside, that is, look at ourselves objectively.

Therefore, when viewing a situation, you need to try to see only your own – your mood, state, your emotions and actions in the situation with which you are working at the moment. That is, try to understand only yourself in that situation.

Of course, it is often not so pleasant to see yourself from the outside. Especially if this happens for the first time. I’ll even say more - sometimes you become ashamed and bitter for yourself, for your actions, emotions, reactions, thoughts. But then there is an opportunity to analyze all this, to understand where you stumbled, blundered, or made a mistake. See the reasons for all this.

And in general, try to look at yourself from the outside as if you were looking not at yourself, but at a complete stranger to you. After all, it is much easier to see mistakes in other people than in yourself. So why not use this human peculiarity for your own benefit!

2. After you see your mistakes and understand the reasons, you can think about how it would be better to act in this situation. And outline a model of behavior for yourself in similar situations. (I sometimes make reminder notes for myself and attach them in a visible place so that I don’t forget and don’t get screwed next time).

It is useful to think about what exactly in yourself you should pay attention to next time, what you should make an effort to overcome in order to avoid making a mistake again, what you can control yourself in, overpower, etc.

3. You shouldn’t engage in self-criticism and self-flagellation, even if you saw yourself in a very unsightly form, playing a far from heroic role.

Remember, time is an abstraction, and the past and future are multivariate. And as soon as you saw your mistakes and stupidities, as soon as you understood, repented, realized, your Event Field begins to change, building a new stream of your development, giving you new information for awareness, new chances for growth and moving forward.

4. Don't forget about test situations - usually they don't take long to arrive. It’s not enough to just understand a mistake – you also need to be able to avoid repeating it in the future.

I wish us all Reason, Awareness, Willpower and Perseverance.

VERY IMPORTANT POINT!

When you see the situation, you don’t need to play it through like a movie, cut out parts, erase colors, send it to annihilation, re-record it, etc., etc., etc.

Remember, this is your life, your invaluable life experience.

As Viktor Yuryevich often says, many people, having reached eniology and touched the purest, high knowledge- suddenly slide into ordinary magic.

SO - In eniology, we consider the situation ONLY in order to find, understand and analyze our mistakes.

Remember - we change the information in the Information Fields ONLY BY AWARE OF OUR MISTAKES AND STUPIDITY.

Remember the property of Information Fields!

After a person realizes his mistakes, information about these errors in the IP is overwritten.

That is, a person with your awareness removes from his individual entrepreneurs records about the mistakes he has made - and normalization occurs at all levels of his multidimensional essence.

This is a natural property of information, which makes it possible for all living things to evolve.

All other ways to change something are from the evil one.

People, be careful! Think before you do anything.

But each of you has every right to do what he sees fit. Reason and Awareness to everyone!

How to see yourself from the outside.

Remember some recent situation that was not very emotional for you. Place it not far from you.

Notice how you see this situation:

You see the situation and yourself in it as if from the outside;

You don’t see yourself in that situation, but look at everything that is happening there, and now, as if with your own eyes.

1. If you have the first option, then everything is fine, you have already experienced the situation and can calmly analyze it to find your mistakes (taking into account everything that was said in paragraph "What is important").

2. If you have the second option, then you are still there, in that situation. And while you are “stuck” there, you are unlikely to be able to look at this situation and yourself in it from the outside.

In this case, you need to either wait for an unknown amount of time until the situation is “digested” by itself, or consciously leave this situation. It’s up to you to decide what to do: wait or leave now.

If the situation is very emotional and painful for you, you can get out of it gradually, not immediately, and not even in one day.

But you and I have already agreed that you will not view the situation as very emotional. Therefore, you can try to immediately get out of this situation and look at everything from the outside.

So, you remembered the situation and placed it close to you. Now slowly start to get out of there.

This can be done either by mentally moving the picture of the situation away from you, or by moving back yourself, as if backing away, and imagining that you are getting out of that situation.

Do as you feel comfortable. Most often, I simultaneously move the picture away from myself and, as it were, I myself move and move back from this situation.

The purpose of all this is to see yourself from the outside in the situation under consideration.

The way out of the situation may be accompanied by emotional reaction, most often with tears, yawning, etc.. If this happens, let your emotions come out - cry, yawn, sleep a little, if you feel very sleepy.

After this, you will be able to look at yourself and the whole situation from the outside and analyze it to find your mistakes and stupidities (taking into account what was said in paragraph "What is important")

That's all.

I wish you success in working on your mistakes!

Olga Kostyuk. Representative of the Research Center "ENIO", Tambov

P.S. If you have questions, you can ask them directly in the comments)

No doubt this will be a familiar situation for many of you: the reflection you see in the mirror is nothing like the image you see in your own photos. What is the reason? Is it really the camera that changes your appearance that much? Or should we blame it all on the mirror?

Today we will try to find answers to these questions: what is closer to your real appearance - a reflection or a photograph? And why do we often perceive reflections in the mirror and photographs differently?

Psychological aspect

Most often we look in the mirror at home, in the environment where we feel free and most relaxed. When it comes to photographs, most of the time we take them outside of this cozy environment, surrounded by other people, which means we feel more stressed and unprepared.
Therefore, when you look in the mirror before leaving for a party, you will notice that you like your own reflection. But the next day, when you check the photo, you notice that everything was not so good.

Viewing angle

Another reason for differences in appearance is that people's faces are not symmetrical. And this is true for absolutely everyone, only for some these differences are noticeably greater, for others less. This is where all the confusion lies. Every morning when we look in the mirror, we stand in the same place, which means we see ourselves from our usual point of view.
As a result, we get used to seeing our face with certain angle. But when it comes to photographs, you can't always control how, when, or from what angle the photo is taken. Unless, of course, you're a star who knows his best sides and always takes photos from only one angle, like, for example, Audrey Hepburn.

White balance

Each type of lighting has its own temperature. But in most cases, when we look in the mirror, we cannot notice this difference. This happens because our brain - a kind of “supercomputer” - automatically smooths out all the differences and “shows” us the complexion to which we are accustomed.
On the other hand, the photograph always shows real lighting, with all the shifts and differences in temperature. Looking in the mirror, even if the lighting comes from various sources and your face shows a lot of colors and shadows, you still see your usual reflection, while photography forces you to see yourself from the outside and in the lighting that you really have.

Focus on individual objects

Don't forget that when we look in the mirror, we usually focus on a specific part of our reflection and therefore do not see the overall picture. But when we look at photographs, we perceive everything holistically and notice things that we previously did not pay attention to (for example, poor posture, awkwardly placed hands, etc.).

Mirror reflection

In reflection, we always see a “mirror” version of ourselves, and this ultimately shapes our perception of what we look like. Photographs, on the other hand, show us how others see us, and this is an unusual perspective that can lead to surprises.

From all that has been said, we can conclude that only photographs give you objective information about own appearance. But even if you don't always look good in photographs, this is not a reason to despair! Perhaps you were photographed at the wrong moment, or you simply didn't have time to suck in your stomach.