Understanding the character traits of manipulators is the first step to effective
interaction with them. To understand what these people are like
in fact, we must place them in the appropriate context. In this chapter I want to lay
a framework of ideas about personality and character that will help you see the difference between
manipulators and other personality types and learn to confidently recognize a wolf in
sheep's clothing when meeting him.
Personality with character disorders
The role of anxiety in the problems faced by individuals with
character disorders (IDC), insignificant. On the contrary, IHR lack
anxiety and vigilance associated with their dysfunctional behavioral
models.
In individuals with serious character disorders, the voice of conscience may
be absent altogether. In most IHRs, conscience is significantly underdeveloped.
The IRH's ability to experience genuine feelings of guilt or shame is weakened.
What may look like from the outside defense mechanism, most likely, is
a powerful tactic that allows you to manipulate others and not give in
requirements of society.
IHR may try to manipulate your perceptions of them, but fundamentally they are who
they are.
The problematic aspects of IRH’s personality are egosyntonic (that is, IRH likes to be
himself and he is quite satisfied with his own behavioral models, although both can
cause a lot of trouble to others). They rarely seek help themselves
yourself - usually this happens at the insistence of other people.
Behind IHR's behavior are faulty thinking patterns and false views.
Self-esteem of IHR is most often inflated, and exaggeration of one’s merits is not
serves as compensation for a deeper feeling of inferiority.
Adverse consequences And public condemnation do not stop IRH.
Although problematic IHR behavior patterns may be habitual and
automatic, they are conscious and intentional.
A person with character disorders has high level awareness and
understanding of herself, but this does not prevent her from resisting attempts to change her views and
fundamental beliefs. IHR do not need insights - they need and are useful
framework, confrontation and, above all, behavior correction. Most suitable for
working with them is a cognitive behavioral therapeutic approach.
As can be seen, on almost every point the differences between a neurotic and a personality
with character disorders are striking. And above all – people with character disorders
They don't think like most of us. IN recent years researchers realized all
the importance of this fact. The way we think, what we believe, the attitudes we have formed
to certain things - all this largely determines how we act. IN
in particular, this is why, as modern researchers note,
cognitive behavioral therapy (working with erroneous thinking patterns and
supporting a person’s desire to change their attitudes and behavior patterns) –
a suitable choice for people with an unbalanced character.
Research on distortions in the thinking patterns of individuals with character disorders
began several years ago and focused primarily on mental
attitudes of criminals. After some time, researchers came to the conclusion that
Problematic thinking patterns are common to all personality types with disorders
character. I borrowed descriptions of these problematic patterns, modified and expanded
them and is ready to present a brief description of the most important of them.
Narcissism. People with character disorders think about themselves all the time
to yourself. They don't think about what others need or how they influence others
their actions. This type of thinking gives rise to a selfish life position and
neglect of obligations to society.
Possessiveness. A thinking pattern that views others as property
with which you can do as you see fit, and whose role is
to please you. In addition, people with character disorders are prone to
objectification, that is, they see others as an object, and not independent individuals,
having feeling self-esteem, rights and needs. This type
thinking gives rise to a possessive attitude towards other people, the desire to declare
their rights to them and dehumanize (dehumanize) them.
Maximalism (“all or nothing”). A person with character disorders is prone to
reject everything at all if he cannot get what he wants in full. If he's not really
at the top of the pyramid, he feels himself floundering at its base. If anyone disagrees with
him on some point, he believes that his opinion is not valued at all. This type
thinking interferes with the manifestations of moderation and a sense of balance and promotes
uncompromisingness.
Self-obsession. A person with character disorders is so high
values his personality and ascribes to himself the right to everything he wants. He doesn't think that
must somehow earn what he wants, but, on the contrary, is inclined to believe that everyone around him is in debt
in front of him. This type of thinking contributes to the formation of arrogance, arrogance and
confidence that everyone around him is his debtor.
Shamelessness. A person with character disorders experiences a deficiency of healthy
feelings of shame. He doesn't care how his behavior affects his reputation. He can
be embarrassed if someone reveals the true essence of his character, but confusion from
the fact that he was found out is by no means the same thing as a feeling of shame for a reprehensible
act. Shamelessness fuels arrogance.
Haste and frivolity. A person with character disorders is always
strives to get what he wants as easily as possible. He hates applying
effort or commitment. It gives him much more pleasure
fool people. This type of thinking creates a disdainful attitude towards work and
other people's efforts.
Infallibility. A person with character disorders does not think about
how right or wrong his behavior is - he simply begins to act and
takes everything he needs, no matter what social norms nor were they violated. This type
thinking gives rise to irresponsibility and antisocial behavior.
Aggressive personality and its subtypes
Personality theorist Theodore Millon looks at aggressive personalities
as actively independent in their interactions with others and the world at large.
He notes that such individuals actively ensure that their
needs have been met, and strive not to become dependent on outsiders
support. He also believes that there are two types of active-independent personality:
one can adjust its course of action sufficiently to
exist in society; the other is unable to follow the requirements of the law. I don't
agree that the epithet “aggressive” is the most appropriate to describe
style interpersonal communication each subtype of active-independent personality. Human
may well make it a rule to actively take care of himself without really aggressive
manifestations. This is the case, for example, in the case of an assertive personality, which I consider
the healthiest of all. But I wholeheartedly support the idea that diversity
aggressive individuals are not limited to the circle of hardened criminals, and I think
very deplorable is the fact that in the official psychiatric nomenclature as
personalities with psychological disorders only a small subtype appears
active-independent personality – antisocial personality.
Unlike an assertive personality, an aggressive personality realizes its intentions in
interpersonal relationships with to a certain extent the ruthlessness that exposes it
disregard for the rights and needs of others. Among the most
characteristic features of this personality: a predisposition to meet any challenges in life
challenges with an unyielding determination to “win”; hot-tempered and intolerant character and
mindset; reducing adaptability, lack of ability to experience fear, weakness
braking mechanisms; persistent desire to occupy a dominant position;
exceptional contempt and disdain for those perceived as
weak. This is a “fighter” to the core.
An aggressive personality has a fair degree of narcissistic traits - sometimes
even considered as a type of narcissistic personality. Aggressive personality
notorious for her overconfidence and self-centeredness. Her own desires
plans, intentions are the only thing that matters to her. Anything that interferes with her goals
gets out of the way at any cost.
Based on the characteristics of an active-independent personality given by Millon,
a number of studies of type “A” (aggressive) personalities, the results of an ongoing
studying some deeply aggressive personalities and the experience gained during
many years of work with a wide variety of character disorders, I find
It is advisable to distinguish five basic types of aggressive personality:
unlimited-aggressive, directed-aggressive, sadistic, predatory
(psychopathic) and hidden-aggressive. Although they have much in common, each of these types
has its own clearly distinguishable unique features. Some are more dangerous compared to
others, and some are more difficult to understand. However, all aggressive individuals are significantly
make life difficult for those who work near them, live with them or are under their influence
influence.
Unlimited aggressive personality openly hostile, often rude and cruel and
often behaves in a criminal manner. These are the people whose behavior we usually call
antisocial. They get angry easily, are not careful enough,
experience fears that help them adapt to the situation, are impulsive, lead
themselves at risk and extremely prone to gross violation of other people's rights. Many of them
spend a fair portion of their lives in prison because they are simply unable to
to comply with the demands of society, even when it is in their own interests.
According to traditional beliefs, these people became like this because they grew up in
an environment that instilled in them distrust of authorities and other people, and were
too traumatized by neglect and abuse to
learn to get closer to other people. My many years of experience have convinced me that only in
In some cases, the hostility of such openly aggressive characters is really
fueled by an extreme degree of mistrust on the part of others. Even fewer of them
number have an innate predisposition to wariness and suspicion (then
there are certain paranoid traits). My experience has shown that in most cases
unrestrained aggressiveness is explained not so much by mistrust and suspicion,
how much is simply an increased readiness of the individual to express aggression even when it
meaningless, unreasonable and generated simply by irritation. They show aggression
without hesitation and without regard to the consequences for themselves and everyone else. At the same time, in
the biographies of most of them showed no neglect, no mistreatment, no
unfavorable conditions. Moreover, some grew up in the most wonderful surroundings.
Thus, many of our traditional ideas about these individuals need to be
revision. One of the researchers noted that the only reliable factor seems to be
common to the whole variety of “criminal personalities” with whom he happened to
encounter - the pleasure they get from illegal, illegal
actions.
Directed aggressive personality generally directs his open aggression towards
those areas where it is socially acceptable - business, sports, army, security
law and order and jurisprudence. The rigidity, self-will and competitiveness of such people
are often rewarded. They may talk openly about how to bury an opponent or
"break" your opponent. They usually do not cross the line that separates their behavior from
really antisocial, but we shouldn't be surprised when it does happen.
The fact is that their social conformism is explained rather by practical
considerations rather than true adherence to principles or submission to higher
authorities. Therefore, they may well break the rules and cause unnecessary damage,
if they feel it will be justified or they can get away with it.
Sadistic-aggressive personality– another openly aggressive type. Like
all other aggressive individuals, they strive to gain power and subjugate
the rest. However, people of this type get special pleasure from watching how
and their victim, caught in the plight. For other varieties
aggressive personality causing pain or harm to anyone who stands in the way of what they want
necessary - just the costs of the struggle. The goal of most aggressive individuals is
win, not cause damage. In their understanding, if someone got hurt simply because
ended up under their feet - well, so be it. But the sadist enjoys,
making people humiliate and suffer. Like other aggressive individuals, sadists want
control and subjugate, but unlike others they receive special pleasure if
at the same time they insult and humiliate their victim.
Predatory-aggressive type(sometimes called a psychopath or sociopath) –
the most dangerous among all aggressive individuals. Probably the most outstanding
An expert in this area is Robert Hare, whose book “Deprived of Conscience. Frightening
the world of psychopaths" is very easy to read and very valuable, although
a chilling introduction to the area. Fortunately, psychopaths are relatively rare
phenomenon. However, I have encountered quite a few of them throughout my career.
They are radically different from the vast majority of people. From their shamelessness
hands down. They tend to consider themselves superior beings, for whom ordinary
people are just fair game. They are the most pronounced manipulators and inveterate
scammers who profit from using and abusing other people
trust. At the same time, they can behave charmingly and disarmingly. Like the skilled
predators, they carefully study all the vulnerable spots of their prey and are capable of the most
heinous victimization without the slightest remorse or remorse. Fortunately,
Most manipulators are not psychopaths.
Some features are common to different types aggressive personality. All of them
tend to seek power and subjugate others. They are all relative
insensitive to fear of punishment and the voice of conscience. In their picture of the world and way of thinking
reality is distorted in such a way as to justify their extremely aggressive
position and relieve you of the need to take on and bear responsibility for your
behavior. Their distorted, incorrect thinking patterns in recent years
have repeatedly become the subject of research. Since different types
aggressive personality has so much in common, one subtype often also exhibits some
traits of another. Thus, a predominantly antisocial personality may carry within itself
some elements of sadism or hidden aggressiveness, and hidden-aggressive - to show
certain antisocial tendencies, etc.
As mentioned above, all aggressive personalities have much in common with
narcissistic. Both types have inflated egos, both are sure that everyone around them owes them. Both
tend to exploit interpersonal relationships. Both are emotionally independent, then
They rely only on themselves to satisfy their needs. Millon describes
narcissists as a passive-independent personality type, since their preoccupation with themselves leads to
they become confident that they simply don’t need anyone around. They don't need
do something to show their competence and superiority because they and
so completely convinced of this. But if narcissists are so self-absorbed that they
passively neglect the rights and needs of others, then aggressive individuals
on the contrary, they are actively involved in activities designed to support their independence and
protect her from encroachment, and actively trample on the rights of others in order to protect their own
goals and maintain a dominant position.
Hidden-aggressive personality
It can be expected that a covertly aggressive personality, being a subtype of aggressive,
will also have some common features with daffodils. However, in covertly aggressive
personalities have many unique characteristics that make them separate, distinct
distinguishable type of aggressive personality. From other types of aggressive personality they
They differ primarily in the way they fight. They fight for what they want and
achieve power over others using elusive, cunning, insidious
ways. Upon mature reflection it is clear that they are much closer to individuals with
character disorders than neurotics. To the extent that they have
neuroticism, they can be deceived about true nature of his character and
own hidden aggressive behavior. The closer they are to individuals with
character disorders, the more actively they deceive only those whom they have chosen
victim.
The reluctance of covertly aggressive individuals to show open aggression -
a pragmatic trait that allows them to save face. Manipulators know that explicit
aggression will meet resistance. Having learned that best way overcome an obstacle -
bypass it, they become masters of the struggle, which is waged by any means, but
secretly.
Some personality theorists consider a key trait
hidden-aggressive or manipulative personalities, then extraordinary pleasure, with
with which they fool their victims. But I am convinced that their intentions are those
the same as for other aggressive individuals. They just want to win and they realized that
secret methods of warfare suit their goals best. That's what I consider them
the most important qualities:
1. Hidden-aggressive individuals always strive to insist on their own or “win.”
Any life situation for them, as for all other aggressive individuals, -
a challenge to be accepted and a battle to be won.
2. Covert-aggressive individuals seek power over other people and strive
subjugate them. They always want to be one step ahead and in control of the situation. They
use a whole arsenal of subtle but effective techniques to get and
maintain an advantage in interpersonal relationships. They resort to certain
tricks that force others to defend themselves, give in or give up something and
at the same time, they mask their aggressive intentions.
3. Covert-aggressive individuals can be deceptively polite, charming, and
attractive. They know how to present themselves in a favorable light and how to position
you to yourself, melting the ice of your resistance. They know what to say and do
for you to suspend your intuitive mistrust and give them what they want.
4. Covertly aggressive individuals can also be unprincipled, insidious and
vindictive fighters. They know how to take advantage of any weakness you have and will strengthen you.
onslaught, barely noticing signs of indecision in your behavior. They know how to catch
take you by surprise and prevent you from preparing. And if they think you've crossed their path or
tried to get the better of them, they will try to put you in your place and take revenge. For
Their battle is not over until they win.
5. Hidden-aggressive individuals are distinguished by a profound lack of conscience. Like everyone else
For other aggressive individuals, they lack internal “brakes.” They know that
what is good and what is bad, but they do not allow this knowledge to stand in the way of what they want. For them
the end always justifies the means. Thus, they deceive both themselves and others
relative to what they are actually doing.
6. Covert-aggressive individuals abuse interpersonal relationships And
use them for their own purposes. They consider people pawns in a game (or, if you prefer, a battle)
life. Abhorring weakness as such, they take advantage of every
lack of their “opponents”.
As with any other types, psychopathology is expressed in covertly aggressive people.
individuals to varying degrees. For the most serious violations, the interpersonal style
interactions between covertly aggressive individuals go far beyond simple
manipulativeness. Covert-aggressive individuals with severe disorders
character are capable of hiding a fair amount of ruthlessness and thirst for power under the mask
feigned politeness and even a certain charm. Some of them show
distinctly psychopathic traits. Excellent examples can serve as Jim Jones and
David Koresh. However, although the behavior hidden aggressive personality maybe much
(Jim Jones is an American preacher, founder of the religious organization Peoples Temple. In 1978
year convinced the residents of Jonestown (a village founded by members of the Peoples Temple) to commit a mass
suicide. David Koresh is an American religious leader, leader of the Branch Davidian sect. Was caught
V sexual relations with minors, was accused of attempted murder, but was acquitted.
He died in 1993 during the FBI siege of the Mount Carmel estate, which belonged to members of the sect.)
richer than simple manipulativeness, real manipulators in the overwhelming majority
In their own way, they are hidden aggressive individuals.
Differences between a covert-aggressive personality and a passive-aggressive and other types
Just as passivity and hidden aggression are very different
behavioral styles, passive-aggressive and covert-aggressive personalities are strikingly
differ from each other. Millon describes the personality of the passive-aggressive, or
negativistic, such as very ambivalent - oscillating between dependent and
independent style of behavior. People of this type want to manage their own
life, but are afraid that they lack the ability to do it effectively. Their insecurities
and hesitation as to whether to take care of oneself or rely on it
mainly on others, firmly connect them with those who are with them in
any relationship. They constantly want and beg others for support and care.
However, since a dependent and subordinate position irritates them, they often try
taste personal power by resisting cooperation with the very people whose
were looking for support. Unable to make a decision on their own, they may shift
it on your shoulders. Once you accept it, they take their time to follow it. In an argument with you
they may decide they've had enough and want to leave. But in fear of what's behind this
elimination may be followed by emotional rejection, they stay and sulk until
until you start begging them to tell you what's wrong. Living with a passive-aggressive
personality can be very difficult because it often seems impossible to please.
In his book How to Live with a Passive-Aggressive Person, Scott Wetzler quite
describes well the passive-aggressive type and life next to him, although often not
sufficiently differentiates between passivity and hidden aggressiveness.
Therapy for passive-aggressive patients is legendary. These patients may whine and
complain about the therapist's lack of support, but the therapist barely tries to provide
her, they immediately rear up and meet the therapist’s proposals with objections like “yes,
but…” and other implicit forms of passive resistance. Most therapists with
easily distinguish such clearly “ambivalent” characters, driven
increased sensitivity to shame, from more cunning, calculating manipulators,
which I call covertly aggressive. However, sometimes therapists unfamiliar with more
in precise terms, the concept is mistakenly used to describe manipulators
“passive-aggressive”, thereby trying to more clearly define the elusive
aggressiveness inherent in these manipulators. Hidden-aggressive personalities are not at all
the same as obsessive-compulsive. We've all encountered perfectionists
pedants and highly organized people. We value these qualities very highly,
when they check ours tax returns or they give us brain surgery. Yes,
some compulsive people can be pushy, overbearing, overpowering and
controlling. But this happens because they also have a hidden
aggressiveness. Apparent adherence to principles and standards can be used as
a mechanism that allows you to gain power and subjugate others.
Obsessive-compulsive individuals with hidden aggression are people who
trying to shove their standards down everyone else's throats.
Covert-aggressive personalities are not identical to narcissistic personalities, although almost
always have narcissistic traits. People who think too much about themselves don't
necessarily try to manipulate others. Narcissists can relate to needs
others with passive indifference because they are self-absorbed. However, some
self-centered people show active disrespect for other people's needs and
deliberately mistreat other people, turning them into their victims. To
To reflect this, some authors distinguish between mild and malignant narcissism. However I
I believe that the difference between people who are so self-absorbed that they do not show
attention to the rights and needs of others, and people, systematically
exploiting and victimizing others is that the latter, in addition to
Narcissistic traits have a distinct aggressiveness. Thus,
egoists who skillfully manipulate and use others are not just narcissists, but
also hidden aggressive individuals.
Most covertly aggressive individuals are not antisocial.
Since they are disdainful of other people's rights and needs, they have
lack of conscience, actively seek an advantage over other people and resort to
by any methods, except perhaps obvious violations of the law and naked aggression,
There is a great temptation to call their behavior antisocial. Manipulation really comes in
in the arsenal of some antisocial individuals. However, manipulators do not violate
the most significant social norms, do not lead a criminal lifestyle and do not exhibit
gross aggression towards others, although in principle they are capable of this. Was
Several attempts have been made to accurately describe the inherent nature of manipulative people.
calculating, cunning, controlling interpersonal style. To them
tried on every label imaginable, from sociopaths to malignantly narcissistic and even how
suggested Scott Peck, "vicious" individuals. Based on my feelings from people with
subtle aggression in their character, many call them passive-aggressive. However, neither
one of these labels does not capture the essence of the manipulative personality. It's important to realize that
manipulation most often involves hidden aggression, so skilled manipulators
- These are hidden aggressive individuals.
It should also be remembered that the manipulator, in addition to his hidden aggressiveness
may have others personality traits. So, in addition to manipulativeness, he can
have a certain amount of narcissism, obsessive compulsiveness,
antisociality and other tendencies. But, as one of my friends noted, “it doesn’t matter if it’s gray
or brown, whether his ears are long or short, whether he has a lot of fur or little - if he is big, with
with tusks and a trunk, then it’s definitely an elephant.” If the person you are dealing with has
those key traits described above, then it doesn’t matter what else he has - before
you are a hidden aggressive person.
Since predatory-aggressive and psychopathic personality are masters
manipulation, there is a temptation to view a covertly aggressive personality as soft
version of a psychopath. This point of view has the right to life. Psychopaths are the most dangerous
insidious and manipulative among aggressive individuals. Fortunately, they are at the same time
are rather the exception. The same manipulative personalities described in this
book, are widespread in much to a greater extent and, although they can also to a certain extent
degree to wreak havoc and devastation in the lives of its victims, is still not as dangerous as
psychopaths.
How a hidden-aggressive personality is formed
An aggressive personality is formed in different ways. I have met individuals whose
childhood was so riddled with neglect and abuse that they were
they are simply forced to become strong “fighters” in order to survive. But I have also seen many
those who were too eager to fight throughout their lives, although they grew up in the very
in the most caring and supportive environment imaginable. Arises
the feeling that these people derailed their socialization process quite early and
that the formation of their character at all stages proceeded under the strong influence of their
excessive belligerence. However, regardless of what had a stronger
influence - nature or nurture - most hidden-aggressive personalities in childhood
years somehow missed alone important lessons about managing your aggression and
focused too much on others. Judging by the life stories with which I
I had a chance to get acquainted, covertly aggressive individuals usually demonstrate the following
flaws:
1. They do not know how to understand in what cases a fight is really necessary and
justified. For them, all everyday life is a battle, and everything that stands in the way of
desired - “enemy”. Obsessed with "winning", they want to fight too much and
are in excessively expressed combat readiness.
2. They never entertained the idea that “victory” in the long-term sense is often
implies a willingness to retreat, step aside, or submit to
short term. They are unable to recognize those moments when they should
give in. Categorical rejection of the very idea of obedience does not allow them to go to those
small concessions that often lead to “victory” later.
3. They don't know how to fight fairly and constructively. Maybe they
learned a lesson that now causes them to not trust their ability to win in
fight in an honest way. Perhaps they were never prepared to be subjected to
risk of defeat. Sometimes the reason is simpler: they discovered that the hidden struggle
more efficient. Be that as it may, they somehow learned to go towards “victory” (according to
at least short-term) through secret and treacherous paths.
4. Because they hate to obey, they deprived themselves of the opportunity to see that
admitting defeat may have some constructive benefits. I guess
that all aggressive individuals (and individuals with character disorders) have an underlying
inability to learn from previous experiences the lessons we would like to teach them,
lies the same mechanism. True assimilation (i.e. internalization) of life
lesson always implies submission to some higher authority, force or moral
principle. Aggressive personalities They don’t change because they don’t want to obey.
5. They do not know how to go beyond their childish selfishness and self-centeredness.
They are not able to realize that just the desire to get something can be
not enough to qualify. For them, the whole world is their property.
Having learned to get their way through manipulation, they begin to consider themselves invincible.
This inflates their already inflated self-esteem even more.
6. They haven't learned to truly respect. weak points other people and empathize with them.
Any vulnerability of another person for them is just their own advantage.
Despising other people's weaknesses (especially emotional ones), they hone their skills beyond measure.
find and use emotional “levers” of their victims.
Fertile ground for hidden aggression
Some professions, fields of activity and public institutions
provide covertly aggressive individuals with an excellent opportunity to take advantage of others
people for their own purposes. Policy, law enforcement agencies, religion - here are a few bright ones
examples. I do not mean to suggest that any politician, police officer or religious
the actor is certainly a manipulative person. However, manipulators, being
secret power-hungers, cannot resist that brilliant opportunity
assert oneself and wield significant power under the guise of execution
debt that these areas open up for them. Televangelists, cult leaders,
political extremists, Sunday night "success" sellers, and militant
social activists, whose revealing articles later appeared on the first
newspaper strips, from the point of view of the way of action, were not fundamentally different from those
hidden aggressive personalities that we encounter in everyday life. This
just clearly expressed edge cases. The more insidious and skillful
a hidden-aggressive personality uses manipulation techniques, the easier it is for her to take
an influential position with broad powers.
How to recognize a manipulator and deal with him
It is easy to become a victim of the cunning tricks of a hidden aggressive person. If you
want to avoid victimization, you must do the following.
1. Get to know the character of these wolves in sheep's clothing. Understand what
what they want and how they act. Study them so closely that you can immediately recognize any of them
at the meeting. The stories in the following chapters of the book are written to help you
feel the spirit of covertly aggressive behavior.
2. Familiarize yourself with the favorite techniques of covertly aggressive people who
allow them to manipulate and control those around them. We need to make a clear
an idea not only of what covertly aggressive individuals are like, but also of how
they can behave. In general, one can expect from them any steps leading to
“victory”, but study the most common techniques and learn to notice them
application is the best way to avoid victimization.
3. Examine the common fears and weaknesses that make you especially vulnerable.
before the tricks of hidden aggressive individuals. Knowing your vulnerabilities is probably yours
most powerful tool effective resistance to the manipulator.
4. Find out what you can change in your own behavior to become less
vulnerable to victimization and attempts by the manipulator to use you for their own purposes.
Using techniques like those presented in Chapter 10 can radically change
the nature of your communication with other people and will allow you to be more productive
interact with those who would otherwise try to manipulate and control
you.
The stories presented in the next few chapters are called upon more closely
introduce you to the nature of manipulative people. In every chapter, to the fore
one of the distinctive features hidden aggressive personality. In all these stories
I tried to clearly show the main intentions of the manipulator, the techniques that he
used to carry out these intentions, and the weaknesses of the victim, which he
enjoyed it.
Surely, you have met people in your life who, it would seem, do nothing special, but involve you in interaction with them.
For example, on a plane a man sat next to you and couldn’t sit down. He doesn’t tell you anything directly, doesn’t ask for anything, but you constantly pay attention to his sighs or indignations, grumbling and grumbling.
Or on the subway there will be someone who likes to listen to loud music or accidentally fall on you, or completely accidentally push you.
Or maybe among your friends there is the King of Irony and Sarcasm, who is not averse to making jokes or making caustic comments on every convenient occasion?
Or among your colleagues there is someone who is always late for an important event and will try to come in so “quietly” (sincerely try!) that everyone will pay attention to him.
Or maybe you have a friend for a long time who is trying and trying to start some business or find a job, but there are no achievements. He is very fussy, often forgets something, seems to do a lot, but as a result gets nothing, feeling and expressing mainly irritation. And you listen to his complaints, for the time being you sincerely try to help him, to find a way out of the impasse, you save him with all your might, but then you start to get very angry, give advice in a rude edifying form, or simply give up on him!
Or one of your friends, at every meeting, will casually ask something: “Why don’t you and your husband still have children?”, then sigh sympathetically and say: “In fact, I really feel sorry for you!”
Caution: Passive-aggressive behavior!
What unites all these different people?
What these people have in common is their form of behavior, which in psychology is called passive-aggressive.
Term “passive-aggressive” first used by an American military psychiatrist, William Menninger.
And it was used in relation to soldiers during World War II who sabotaged orders, but never did it openly. They either did everything half-heartedly, ineffectively and unproductively, or they were secretly indignant about the order or the commander, they were playing for time... But they never openly expressed their anger or reluctance to do so.
Shortly thereafter, a special type of passive-aggressive disorder was included in the famous clinical manual - DSM, but due to insufficient clarity in the description of clinical manifestations in the fourth edition, it was excluded from the list of personality disorders.
But, nevertheless, in psychology and psychotherapy the term remained and continues to be used to describe special type personality behavior.
In addition, some psychologists argue that each of us tends to behave in this way during difficult periods of our lives, when, not finding other ways to defend ourselves, define our boundaries, express our opinions, we resort to a passive-aggressive form.
How does passive-aggressive behavior manifest itself?
- In refusal to communicate, ignoring (a kind of “boycott” that “makes” the person to whom it is addressed feel guilty);
- In devaluation of: feelings, achievements, abilities (“come on, you should be upset over trifles!”, “Don’t cry, you’re a man!”, “Only fools can’t do this”);
- In accusation or criticism: (“You can’t do anything because you’re not doing it the right way!”, “Here again because of you, I lost a lot of time”);
- In constant invasion personal life, disguised as care (for example, a mother, with whom her adult son still lives, picks out his clothes every morning and straightens his tie or collar);
- Control through third parties (for example, a mother-in-law calls her daughter-in-law with a request to check whether her son bought winter pants for himself, because it’s already cold outside);
- Scolding oneself for some actions or inaction (Example: a granddaughter visiting her grandmother asks for socks because her feet are cold. The grandmother gives them to her, but then begins to scold herself for not noticing that her granddaughter’s feet are cold and not giving them socks before)…
In fact, there are a lot of manifestations. And that's not all of the possible options.
The main thing is to understand that their main essence is to avoid direct contact and intimacy, not to express yourself openly, not to express your needs directly, not to defend your boundaries, not to take responsibility, but at least somehow express yourself and stay in a relationship.
As a result, a person who is in a relationship with someone who behaves in a similar way may begin to limit himself in some manifestations of thoughts, feelings, plans, desires. He may begin to feel uncomfortable about expressing his life. There may be a desire to justify one’s actions or to hide them altogether. Not uncommon feelings that arise are anger, resentment, guilt, shame.
How to deal with your own passive aggression or resist it if it is directed against you?
The first thing to remember and work on is personal boundaries! Learn to identify and defend them! You are not responsible for the feelings that your partner or interlocutor experiences, for the thoughts that arise in him.
The limits of your responsibility are in your feelings, thoughts and behavior! Speak about them directly (For example, in response to your mother’s excessive concern for your diet, you can say: “Thank you, Mom! I am very pleased with your concern, but I would like to choose my own diet! I have such a need and successful experience in this!” ).
Don't forget that advice, help that is not asked for is violence! It is impossible to change, re-educate someone who does not want it himself! Therefore, it is better to answer complaints and grumbling with the question: “Is there anything I can do to help you with this?” and if the answer is yes, then measure how far you can realistically accomplish this without sacrificing yourself.
Learn to express your feelings even if they seem “bad” or destructive to you, do not hoard them (As an example, after your partner’s broken promises for the umpteenth time, it is important to tell him that you are angry when he does this).
Noticing someone's unexpressed feelings (for example, the wife washes the dishes very loudly and loudly or cleans the kitchen), it's important to make it clear , thereby recognizing the right to its existence and inviting it to dialogue (“I see that you are angry. Did something happen? Will you share?”).
And most importantly, it is important to clarify what such behavior is formed from, what is behind it, what unsatisfied needs, forbidden feelings lie at its basis. Naturally, an experienced specialist will safely help you figure this out during psychotherapeutic work with your request.
It is often difficult to identify passive-aggressive behavior in others because we are unwilling to listen to our instincts. We prefer to doubt and think positively. This type of behavior is very insidious. He can drive you crazy! Normal people begin to doubt themselves and wonder if they are being fair.
What does the term “passive-aggressive” behavior actually mean? And why is it so difficult to identify it among colleagues and partners? People who exhibit passive-aggressive traits suppress their angry reactions because they fear conflict, and their anger turns into other, more passive forms.
10 Ways to Stop Passive-Aggressive Behavior and Change Your Relationship for the Better
For example, instead of starting a fight that could end in a breakup, Mary "accidentally" washes her husband's white shirts with her red dress, turning them all pink.
Or Jeff gets angry at his boss, but instead of confronting him openly, he “forgets” to mail the bills, and as a result, the boss receives a late fee.
Because we are often unaware that we are behaving passive-aggressively, we find it difficult to stop the behavior– even when it does not lead to the desired results.
We are passive-aggressive when we express anger or hostility indirectly rather than directly.
Passive-aggressive behavior creates a vicious circle:
Anger simmers latently, accumulating under the surface, so that the problems that caused it are not resolved, and this forces us to express our negative feelings less and less openly.
When our behavior is disapproved, we don't acknowledge our anger or say a dismissive, "Okay, you're right."
1. Recognize passive-aggressive behavior as quickly as possible.
One of the most insidious consequences of such behavior is that a person who is not passive-aggressive begins to experience strong negative emotions. This leaves him emotionally drained and overwhelmed before he even realizes that he is the victim of a passive-aggressive relationship dynamic.
2. Form clear agreements with your partner.
Specific agreements mean that everyone knows what is expected of them.
3. Notice your own anger.
Often people with passive-aggressive behavior want their partner to get angry and yell and scream back so they can move the needle to another source of the problem. Or they may avoid expression own anger and irritation because they do not want to stir up conflict.
Do your best to express your anger and break the cycle. It takes two to play. If you refuse to play, you will have to change something.
4. Be assertive (confident), not aggressive and formulate your thoughts as clearly as possible.
Stick to the facts and express your opinions clearly. Make your partner clearly aware of the consequences of their behavior.
5. Be clear and transparent about your requests and expectations and make sure you reach clear agreements.
If you ask someone to do something, make sure you have a clear time frame. If there is a specific way you want something done, make sure the other person knows about it.
Make sure there is clarity about the consequences of what will happen if the outcome does not meet expectations.
6. Set your boundaries and make them clear.
This will keep you from being tempted to take responsibility just because you can't wait any longer, thereby engaging in yet another endless round of passive-aggressive confrontation.
7. Take responsibility for what depends on you and reject the rest.
Take responsibility for errors that are your fault. Apologize and change your behavior. An apology is only worth anything if you don't continue the same behavior.
Resist the pressure to take responsibility for everything– this puts the onus on you to fix it.
8. Don't take forgetfulness as an excuse.
Be clear about the things that matter to you, and make them clear so that your partner understands it.
9. If you are a passive-aggressive person, work on understanding your own anger and expressing it directly.
Saying yes to your partner and then doing the opposite is bad policy.
10. Agree that you both are responsible for the common chores, household chores, conversations and sex in the relationship.
Take the time to negotiate these agreements in as much detail and specificity as possible.
It will probably be difficult for you. But remember, passive-aggressive behavior is often not a conscious choice.
People who react this way are usually unaware of their hurt and anger. They often say things like, “I'm just forgetful,” “I don't do it on purpose,” or “I'm always late. This is a trait of my character."
They are unaware of the impact of their behavior on others and may be hypersensitive to criticism.published.
By Lori Beth Bisbey
P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness, we are changing the world together! © econet
What's happened passive aggression? Almost everyone has encountered it in their lives (and some regularly take it out on others). However, this phenomenon itself is discussed very, very rarely in our culture.
A samurai without a sword is like a samurai with a sword. Just without the sword. (joke)
What is passive aggression? Almost everyone has encountered it in their lives (and some regularly take it out on others). However, this phenomenon itself is discussed very, very rarely in our culture. More often you can hear something like: “She has a bad temper” or “He is energy vampire: he doesn’t seem to be doing anything bad, but after communicating with him you feel very bad.” People usually don’t know that no esoteric things have anything to do with it, and no vampires are to blame. It's just that the person you're having such a hard time with actually treats you passive-aggressively on a regular basis.
Passive-aggressive behavior is aggression expressed socially acceptable form, while the aggressor does not outwardly go beyond social norms.
(When I was looking for material for the article, I suddenly realized where exactly a lot of passive-aggressive reactions can be found: on forums where daughters-in-law complain about their mothers-in-law. And I collected a number of examples in the LJ community “mother-in-law-ru”). So, examples:
For Christmas my mother-in-law gave me a box with a jar of jam. When I opened the gift, she said that the jam was for all the guests, not just me, and she needed the box back.
During the wedding photo shoot, my mother-in-law turned to the photographer with a request to take a family photo - the four of us and without me. I was ready to simply kiss this small, bald man when he remarked: “Sorry, madam, but your family no longer includes only four. The bride must be present in every photo!”
My mother-in-law once gave me a Bible, a necklace with a cross and cookbook"How to cook pork chops." The card (with Jesus) said that she hoped I had changed my mind and she could save me. Did I mention I'm Jewish? I told her throughout the 7 years of our marriage that I did NOT plan to change my religion. Her husband told her not to worry about gifts anymore if she couldn't help but focus on religion. He added that he loved me and was thinking about converting to Judaism! He's not planning anything like that, but he wanted to rub it in her nose.
Every Christmas my mother-in-law gives me a broken candlestick. When I open the box we "discover" that the glass is broken. Each time the mother-in-law feigns surprise and takes the box to take it to the store and exchange it. The next year I receive the same gift.
The mother-in-law likes to give gifts in order to quarrel between her grandchildren. Last year[...] she gave the kids $35 and said the older two should get 12 and the youngest should get 11. All three of them looked at her like she was crazy, and of course we didn't let that happen.
My family ex-husband exchanged gifts for Christmas. We were a young couple with two small children, and we went out of our way to buy gifts for everyone. In return they received very strange things, and always one gift per family. For example, a jar of M&M candies for everyone. This upset the children because all the children received their own gift, and ours received a jar of candy for the family. One day, each grandchild received a really nice gift, and ours received a little book worth 89 cents. It was last time that we went there.
My husband's stepmother came over while we were away and stole some potted flowers that were on my porch. Then she said that she did this because we didn’t give them anything for their wedding anniversary. I never received these flowers back. By the way, she never gave us anything for our anniversary.
It was hard to even choose specific examples from many stories: judging by the complaints of women, mothers-in-law are extremely inventive in poisoning the lives of their daughters-in-law. They interfere in the affairs of a young family (“I wish you well!”), give gifts bordering on offensive (and pretend that they didn’t mean anything like that), extort certain actions from their son and daughter-in-law (gratitude for a cheap trinket or so that they Definitely, DEFINITELY go on vacation there and as the in-laws say)…. Well, the classic: breaking into the young people’s room at every opportunity, even in the middle of the night (“I have things there, in the closet” or “I’ll just adjust the blanket on them - they sleep like doves!”). At the same time, it is noticeable that daughters-in-law (and sons) are not very happy with interference, unsolicited advice and gifts, moral teachings and barbs. Because people fully feel that they were treated aggressively, an uninvited company was imposed on them, and personal boundaries were broken into.
Was there any aggression shown in these cases? Without a doubt. The daughters-in-law in all the stories cited were outraged, although they reacted differently (not everyone was led to a scandal).
Was aggression expressed openly? No. This is the essence of passive aggression: such an aggressor never crosses the boundaries of what is socially acceptable. After all, it’s customary to give gifts to relatives? Well, the mother-in-law will do it quite socially. Ah, the gift was unsuccessful - well, not all gifts are successful. But from pure heart, accompanied by “maternal advice.” (In fact, unsolicited - but also socially acceptable; after all, it is quite customary for an older woman to give good advice to an inexperienced and younger one).
That is, due to the fact that social norms were not grossly violated, it is difficult to find fault with a passive aggressor. But the victim, the victim understands perfectly well how they treated her! The victim is not happy and is not very easy to persuade: “Never mind, it’s okay.” She felt full-fledged aggression directed at her: she (or her children) were placed lower than others, treated adult woman, as with a young fool, or, by distributing material values, they were pointedly deprived of status. This is what it is – aggression, only expressed in a passive form.
How to recognize passive aggression?
Oh, when someone is passive aggressive towards you, you will notice it instantly. You may not have known this term before, but you will feel a painful prick. Passive aggressor Usually he is not rude and does not enter into open confrontation. He doesn’t raise his voice and doesn’t start scandals himself – but around him conflict situations flare up frequently. For some reason, many people just want to be rude and yell at this innocent person. And even after short-term communication with such a person, you want to take your soul away - it becomes so unpleasant and difficult, your mood deteriorates so much.
Such people often themselves know that there are many “ill-wishers” or simply bad, malicious people around them. The passive-aggressive strategy is to tolerate being mistreated and then complain to someone who is willing to listen (and who won’t “send” it back).
Passive-aggressive people do not demand anything - they complain and reproach; they don’t ask - they hint casually (so that they won’t find fault later). They are never to blame for their troubles - well, at least they don’t believe it themselves. Others are definitely to blame evil rock, bad education system, “everything in this country is structured this way,” etc. (By the way: one of effective methods psychotherapy is the gradual bringing of a person with passive-aggressive behavior to an awareness of how he himself and his actions influence the reactions of others.
In fact, most often it turns out that it is not a person surrounded by malicious, stupid scum, but ordinary, normal people for some reason they are not happy when receiving a dose of passive aggression. But it’s usually not easy to get to this point, and “psychologically treating” people without their direct request is also, by the way, a form of mild aggression, so please don’t try to “re-educate” anyone with the best intentions, okay?).
Here short list manifestations of passive aggression:
They do not speak directly about their desires and needs (they hint or silently expect others to understand them without words). They will never say openly what they like and what they don’t - you always have to guess. They say about such people: “you can’t please him”;
They are not the first to start a scandal, although they often provoke it;
In especially severe cases, they can even stir up " guerrilla warfare“against someone who has ill-will – gossip, plot against the unsuspecting “offender”;
They often break their obligations: they promise and then don’t fulfill them, they sabotage, they masterfully shirk. The point here is that the passive-aggressive person was initially against it and did not want to do what was agreed upon with him, but he could not say “no”. So he said “yes” and simply did nothing. And I didn’t intend to right away;
They are often late: this is also a form of passive resistance, when you have to go where you didn’t want to go;
What is promised is often postponed for a long time under a variety of pretexts. They do it reluctantly, poorly and at the very last moment. Yes, by the way, procrastination, which is fashionable today, can also be a form of passive aggression;
Often unproductive, they use the so-called. “Italian strike” - that is, they seem to be doing it, but there is still no result. This is another way to indirectly say: “I don’t like this, I don’t want to do this!”, without entering into open conflict;
By the way, passive-aggressive individuals often have a reputation as unreliable people who cannot be relied upon - precisely because of the above characteristics;
They gossip, complain about others (behind their backs), and get offended. They are often indignant and dissatisfied that those around them behave badly, the world is unfair, the state is structured incorrectly, the bosses are clueless, they are under terrible pressure at work and are not appreciated, etc. They see the cause of their troubles externally and do not connect them in any way with their own actions. They reproach others for unreasonable demands, for the authorities’ injustice towards them, for the fact that their efforts are not appreciated (they especially love to blame and pour contempt on superiors of any rank behind their backs);
Critical and sarcastic. Reach high altitudes in the ability to “put down” a person with one poisonous word and devalue his achievements or good intentions. They actively criticize and practically do not praise - since this will allow the other to “gain power” by learning what the passive-aggressive person likes or does not like;
They masterfully avoid direct discussions of problems. “Punished” with silence. They stubbornly do not explain why they are offended, but non-verbally make it clear that the offense is strong and it will not be easy to atone for it. They provoke the interlocutor to express dissatisfaction and take the first steps in the conflict (the conflict still flares up, but technically it was not the passive-aggressive person who started it, which means that it is not he who is to blame, but the opponent);
During open disputes, the passive-aggressive person gets personal, recalls the old things, finds something to blame the opponent for, and tries to the last to shift the blame onto others;
Under the guise of caring, they behave as if the other person is disabled, stupid, inferior, etc. ( classic example- this is when the daughter-in-law finishes cleaning the apartment and discovers that the mother-in-law is crawling with a rag, wiping the just washed floor. In response to the young woman’s surprised questions, the mother-in-law carefully says: “Oh, baby, don’t worry about it, it’s just customary for us to keep the house clean.” Naturally, after such a display of passive aggression, the daughter-in-law will quietly fly into a rage, but it is not customary to be rude to a polite tone and ostentatious “concern” - well, that means there will be a scandal in the young family in the evening).
Where does this come from? The Origins of Passive Aggression
Like almost all personality traits, passive aggression comes from childhood. If a person grew up in a family where one of the parents (or both) was unpredictable and domineering, it is difficult for him to express his demands, wishes, and indignations. This gives rise to an underlying feeling of danger, severe anxiety.
If a child is punished for displaying anger or assertiveness, he learns to achieve his goals in roundabout ways, and not to express disagreement and anger outwardly, but to show it in passive ways.
For example, on one of the forums, while discussing passive-aggressive behavior, a participant stated: “Oh, it was exactly like that in my family! It was dangerous for us to be indignant and not just demand something, but also ask for it - mom and dad could get angry, call me ungrateful, punish me... I remember even to get a tape recorder for New Year, I didn’t ask my parents, but built complex circuits: how to get them to guess with hints and circumstance..." In fact, such a child grows up in conditions where open resistance is impossible (due to economic, physical dependence from parents), and usually masterfully masters the skills of “guerrilla warfare.”
Passive-aggressive people believe that the world is dangerous place that opening up in it and trusting people is more valuable to yourself. And if others find out what exactly frightens you, angers you, or is especially desirable, then they will also gain control over you. Control games are another form of passive aggression. To demand or ask something from another means to expose yourself, to show your weakness, dependence. This means that people can play on your desires (and the world, according to passive-aggressive people, is hostile and fighting it is deadly). Therefore, to openly want something or directly refuse something means giving control over your life to someone else’s hands. Therefore, passive-aggressive people do not directly express their desires, but answer “yes” to any other person’s request, after which they become gloomy, angry inside themselves and do not do it, making the excuse of forgetfulness and the fact that they “didn’t have time.”
By the way, I note that cultural norms also contribute to the formation of a passive-aggressive personality type: it is girls who are more often suppressed in manifestations of stubbornness, energy and anger. Therefore, many women grow up confident that if they are “correct, truly feminine” (delicate, always sweet, non-assertive), they will definitely “come to them and bring everything.” And if they don’t, then you’re doing something wrong, for example, you’re brazenly demanding a lot; loving man must figure it out himself and please the woman he loves; and her job is to gradually lead him to the right idea. If you can’t put your desires into another person’s head, then suffer in silence, like a partisan, and let your loved one listen: “figure it out for yourself,” “is it really not clear,” “if you loved me, you would know,” and “do as Want". Yes, this is also a hidden struggle for power and games of control; if you openly say: “Do me such and such, I want it,” then you can hear a direct refusal (“Not now, I don’t have time”), and even, having received what you want, make sure that it is not happiness brought. And what does it mean that whoever demanded it is himself to blame? No, it’s better to hint, get (or not get) what you want, and if there is no satisfaction, then all the blame is on the one who read the thoughts incorrectly.
Numerous courses today “How to become a feminine woman” often provoke and support the development of a passive-aggressive personality in their students. In courses with the typical title “become desirable in a weekend” they teach: a woman cannot, in no way, take initiative - you need to be gentle, helpless, alluring, and everything in your life will work out right on its own. After all, when a strong and active man sees that a feminine woman is suffering, unable to get something she needs, he will definitely understand everything and will do everything for you, get it and give it to you! But doing something yourself: demanding, achieving, giving up unnecessary things, asking and taking care of yourself on your own - is under no circumstances possible. Well, this is unfeminine! So either suffer for what you didn’t bring, or twist the hands of those around you: hint, gradually lead to your idea, “create conditions.” In general, passive aggression is what it is.
What to do if you meet a passive-aggressive type on your way?
Firstly, it is worth knowing that a passive-aggressive person provokes others, but does not start a conflict himself. Do not succumb to provocations - your “explosion of emotions” will not help clarify the relationship, but will only give you a reputation as a brawler in the eyes of others. Take your soul elsewhere, complain to friends and family, but do not give such a gift to the passive-aggressive person, do not show yourself to be “bad” and “scandalous.” Do not trust a passive-aggressive person with your secrets and information that could harm you if disclosed.
Call what is happening and your feelings by your own names. Don't blame the other person, just say, "When such and such happens, I usually get upset." For example: “When the whole department leaves for lunch and forgets to call me, I feel sad.” There is no need to blame (“you do it on purpose!”), no need to generalize (“you always!”). Tell us about your feelings, how sad and bad you feel. The passive-aggressive person himself is afraid as hell of being blamed for other people’s troubles, and it’s better for those around him to know that for you this is not “nothing happened,” but something upsetting.
Do not expect that such a person will understand you and re-educate you (even if you retell this article to him). Most likely, this will not happen on its own. Passive-aggressive individuals usually do not come to psychotherapy because there is something wrong with them: usually they complain about bad people around them (who, of course, are to blame for everything), or about other psychological problems (for example, depression) , or they are forced to appear by loved ones who cannot bear to live together. published
