Before talking about how to deal with anger, I want to talk about the filter of Love and Respect.
There is such a wonderful filter called - Love and Respect.
Let's say something happened, for example, they came home from work, and the husband had dinner, and left the dirty plates on the table. And you don’t want to clean up after him, but to have dinner yourself, prepare food and things for tomorrow, and fall in front of the TV. And then there are dirty dishes...
What would you like to do first? To restore justice. You, just like him, came home from work, also later than him. And he... (here comes obscene language) can’t even clean up after himself.
From what feeling will you go to restore justice? Anger, anger, resentment, frustration. And what will he start doing if you come to him and start telling him everything you think about him? Well, you probably won’t have sex tonight. Although there are couples when they deliberately (unconsciously) arouse anger in their partner, because this is the only way to understand that there are still at least some feelings between you, anger is better than indifference, indifference and shared loneliness.
So what to do? How to restore justice?
First, understand yourself:
1. Be aware that you are feeling something (check your physical response)
2. Name your feeling(s) (see how many layers of feelings there are)
3. Understand which of these feelings belong to the present time and which belong to the past
4. Affirm your right to experience these feelings;
5. Act accordingly - based on your values, lifestyle, religious beliefs, etc.
So if you feel Anger, indignation. And with this feeling you want to go to your partner. And here the filter of Love and Respect for Self, Other and God turns on.
Those. we go to talk with another person only out of a feeling of Love and Respect for ourselves, others and God. We also observe how other people communicate with you if you feel that they are pouring negativity on you. Only you can take care of yourself, only you can deliver healthy personal boundaries. We are treated the way we allow ourselves to be treated. If you don’t like what we are told, it is only our responsibility to make sure that we feel good and comfortable.
There is a wonderful rule: First we iron, and then we cut.
For example: Mom, I love you very much, and I appreciate everything that you do for me, but I ask you to stop telling me that I am a bad mother to my children, that I am a bad housewife, that I cook poorly, and that I have a bad husband. - this is my choice, my life, and I adult woman, I am 28 years old, I can make my own decisions. I will call you every day, just to find out that you are alive and well, and I will come to visit you once a week.
And you say this out of Love and Respect, first of all for yourself (Read the article circles of responsibility, intimacy and influence), for your mother and for God.
Now how do we deal with Anger?
You realized that now you are angry. Out of anger, it is better not to go to your husband, mother or anyone else to sort things out. But you shouldn’t suppress it either. Anger is a very powerful energy. And if you don’t give it a way out, but try to preserve it inside yourself, then this can lead to fatigue, and if you do this for years, then to illness. Watch yourself, you were walking around in a wonderful mood, you were radiating cheerfulness, and then someone said something. And all the moods disappeared, and what’s more, the strength disappeared somewhere. Walk like crazy, you want to sleep, not work or do anything. Fatigue can have many causes, but if you observe yourself more, you will notice. For example, if a manager came up to you and said something, you understand that he is now wrong and unfair to you, this in any case causes anger, but you are afraid to object to him, as a result, the anger remains inside you. Imagine balloon, which you are trying to keep under water, you need to spend a lot of effort on this. It's the same with anger. No matter what we say, everything we think to the leader, we naturally suppress it all within ourselves, which costs a lot of effort and energy. And you end up broken and tired, and the manager seems to be doing great, he knows how best to work, but in the end, people no longer work for him at their 100%, but at best case scenario by 20-30%, and not out of a desire to want and be liked, but out of Fear, Anger and Resentment.
So what to do? Give a peaceful outlet to this energy. And now here are the main recipes:
1. Take a large sheet of paper, A4 is also suitable, but even a roll of wallpaper is better. Write on it everything you think about the person who offended you. And then take a tennis racket and hit the paper, you can shout or talk at the same time, if the situation allows it.
2. Hit the punching bag
3. Beat a large children's toy.
4. Take a blanket, roll it up with a roller, and start hitting the floor with it.
5. Shout box: take a shoe box, make a round hole on one side, about 5 cm in diameter, put cotton wool inside, close it, seal it with tape and decorate it to make it very beautiful. So, when you are offended, when you want to yell, you can yell directly into the hole of such a box, it absorbs sound very well. I know a family, each family member had such a box, and when someone started to get angry:
They told him: Go and piss in the box.
He walked, threw out all his anger there, and only then walked into normal condition, could communicate and agree on anything.
6. A wonderful way to express anger. Buy 6-7 dozen eggs. Go where no one will see or hear you, for example into the forest. And break them. You can scream. You can imagine the offender and throw eggs at him. On the one hand, the eggs break beautifully, but at the same time there is no harm to nature.
7. Take a chair, sit your offender there, and tell him everything you think about him:
Beginnings of sentences:
I'm offended by you because...
I'm angry at you…
I'm upset…
I am angry…
I'm afraid that...
8. If it is difficult to find a secluded place. Then you can do the following:
Pour water into the bathtub and scream into the water; water absorbs sound very well.
8. Draw your anger, preferably with your non-dominant hand, if you are right-handed, then with your left, if you are left-handed, then with your right, on a large piece of paper, because when all this happens, we are not in the state of an adult, but of a child, and we need a large one sheet, because children love to draw on large sheets, with large markers. Draw whatever comes, don't stop yourself.
We are afraid to show anger. Whose parents allowed you to be angry as a child? I can tell almost no one.
A familiar phrase: You can’t be angry with mom and dad. It’s impossible - this is understandable, but our parents didn’t teach us what to do next with this anger, because they themselves didn’t know how to deal with it.
But anger is needed, without it it is not possible to build healthy harmonious relationships. Imagine that someone comes to your house and starts telling you how you should live correctly, but you wholeheartedly disagree with him. And it’s normal to be angry in this situation. Because we are all different, very, very different, and only you know what makes you happy, what you love, what gives you pleasure, what is right for you. You and only you? And we need anger in order to understand what you don’t like now, where your boundaries are being crossed, and to tell your interlocutor about this: But here you are wrong? Stop, you don’t have to treat me like that. And it is our responsibility to take care of ourselves, to feel ourselves, to understand ourselves.
Anger is good. If it were bad, then we wouldn’t have it, God wouldn’t have given it to us. But anger must also have limits to what is permitted.
And when you tell another person how to treat you and how not to treat you, please speak from a place of Love and Respect for yourself, God and the other person. And then sometimes some people begin to realize that they are now angry, and begin to knock with their boundaries to everyone else.
Like a pendulum, at the beginning I was suppressed, then I start telling everyone about myself, but so the boundaries of others are not taken into account, the fact that your words can offend, hurt, we can sometimes forget about this.
Love, Respect and harmonious relationships!
Let's take anger as an example. Anger is the messenger of self-esteem and self-affirmation. It is a constructive force intended for personal and global changes. It is a wonderful, powerful energy, and if allowed to flow quietly, it motivates us to action. But if we resist our own anger, telling ourselves that being angry is “not good,” “not spiritual,” or that we have no right to be angry, then the emotion begins to slowly smolder. And this happens over the course of hours, weeks, or even years.
Suppressed anger (as well as any other emotion) must sooner or later come to the surface. If we don't we feel anger, he turns into a gremlin. The most prominent signs of repressed anger are: depression and/or anxiety, self-pity, blame and resentment, guilt, apathy, inertia, sarcasm, irritability, struggle and martyrdom, addiction to drugs, alcohol, work, sex, food, etc. .d.
Also included are accidents (as an expression of self-directed anger), cancer, arthritis and other illnesses (see Chapter 6), violence and aggression. (Violence Not is an expression of pure anger. It is a symptom of rage and fear sealed in a bottle that eventually explodes.) And since the world is a mirror, by noticing all the above symptoms in other people, you can thus observe your own suppressed anger!
Here is one example of how you can release your anger. Write a very angry letter on paper. Don’t hold back, write what you think from the bottom of your heart and address it to the person you’re angry with, and then burn it or flush it down the toilet. (Resist the temptation to mail it!). Or beat a pillow or punching bag. At the same time, breathe fully and simply “pretend” that you are angry until the e-motion begins to move and comes to life on its own. Or go jogging while internally screaming (if there are other people around): “I hate you!” or “How dare you!” or whatever your Inner Child wants to shout out.
Don't try to forgive someone who has hurt you or understand why you created the trauma in your life until you first deal with your anger, resentment, and other emotions. Always take care of your Core Self before you “level up” with your Higher Self, otherwise you will begin to attract further unpleasant events and they will bring your emotions to the surface.
Anger does not always have to be rational or have a reasonable cause. Emotions they just exist. By experiencing anger, you are honoring your Inner Child, your Core Self. You are reconnecting parts of your wholeness. If you just think, “Okay, it's okay to be angry,” chances are your Core Self won't take you seriously. But when you take physical actions: write letters, beat pillows - you make it clear to your Core “I” that now “it’s normal to be angry”, that the rules have changed.
You can also meet your Inner Child during meditation. Let it express its anger as it wishes. (My Inner Child, for example, loves to pound china, so I sometimes give him several long tables for this purpose, covered with white tablecloths and set with the most luxurious china, so that he can pound it as much as he likes! Sometimes he prefers to pierce balloons).
If your Inner Child wants to beat up the person who offended him, even this is possible in the inner world. But only if your intentions are only to release anger and not to offend anyone. Our first priority should always be taken into account intentions. If you're afraid you might explode when you hit your pillow, inner journey will the best way to let go of your anger.
It may be entirely appropriate to express your anger directly to the person to whom it is directed. If so, make sure you do it clean first. “Pure” anger is simply an expression of how and what we feel. (“I got really angry and hurt when you started criticizing me in front of my friends.”)
“Unclean” anger inherently already carries within itself the charge of causing pain to another. He is infected with the need to blame or punish and usually focuses on another person, not on our own feelings . (“You are always critical and always unhappy. What are your problems?” “Why are you so determined to destroy my self-confidence?”). In this case, the person at whom the “unclean” anger is directed takes a defensive posture, and the problem remains unresolved.
If your intention- to be offended, you should wait a little and cool down before expressing your opinion. Is your anger really directed at this person or are you just nursing your lingering resentment? Respecting your emotions means acknowledging them and taking responsibility for them., and only then decide what action to take. This does not mean at all that they should be scattered on anyone using the “whom God will send” method. After all, no one else can make us feel emotions.
> 13. Expressing your anger and reacting to the anger of others
> They say that when Leonardo da Vinci was working on The Last Supper, he became terribly angry with one person and, losing his temper, cursed him with rude and hurtful words. Returning to the canvas, Leonardo was about to paint the face of Jesus, but was so upset that he could not pull himself together and begin this responsible and painstaking work. Finally, he threw down the brush, went, found the person he had offended, and asked for his forgiveness. He forgave him and only then was Leonardo able to paint the face of Christ.
> The predicament in which Leonardo da Vinci found himself is familiar to many of us. The artist became angry, exploded, splashed out his anger with the most destructive of possible ways and, to his horror, he discovered that the relationship with that person remained unclear, and he himself became even worse. His energy was spent on goals very far from creativity, his attention was scattered, and he was unable to devote himself entirely to work. And only by apologizing for the form in which he expressed his anger did Leonardo regain his peace of mind and was able to continue working.
> Many Christians are concerned not only with how to express anger, but also with whether it should be expressed at all. "Whenever I swallow my anger, it resonates acute pain in the stomach," says renowned Christian writer John Powell.
> Anger is one of the most mysterious and obscure emotions that causes large number Christians fear and even disgust. Many have been taught to believe that anger is a sin and that pious and God-fearing Christians do not experience such feelings at all. One survey found that 65% of Christian schoolchildren believe that people with more experience of life in Christ do not experience anger at all. But at the same time, 100% of respondents admitted that they themselves experience it from time to time!
> Anger breeds severe anxiety and feelings of guilt. People sincerely want to follow God's will in everything they do, but they are often confused, not knowing whether to “turn the other cheek” or, conversely, to defend themselves and stubbornly stand their ground. On the one hand, we know that Jesus directly and confidently defended His positions - not only before the Pharisees, but also before His disciples and other people close to Him. But on the other hand, Christians sincerely fear that by expressing their anger, they may lose control of themselves and fall into sin.
> Instead of facing their anger openly, people often resort to half-measures that seem to temporarily ease the situation, but ultimately harm the relationship and exacerbate feelings of guilt and confusion.
> Some, for example, are so afraid to show angry feelings that they hide and even deny them. But anger, to their surprise, still spills out in the form of mockery and sarcastic remarks. So, television comedies are about family life full of unkind jokes that ridicule and humiliate family members. These seemingly innocent and harmless remarks are in fact not very carefully disguised manifestations of anger and hostility. Particularly common are snide jokes about a person's appearance or poisonous comments about someone's inability to run a household. Children in these films constantly make fun of their parents, and they, in turn, taking advantage of the children's inexperience, put them in a stupid position - and all this, according to the authors, is very funny.
> There are people who explode like a volcano, raining down hot lava on the heads of those around them with accusations and insults. Perhaps, immediately after such an “eruption” they feel some relief, but, as a rule, people with an “explosive” character experience remorse, remembering what and how they said. And those who live and work next to such people are often afraid of them, not knowing what will cause the next eruption, especially since they have already been hit by “debris” more than once.
> But the so-called “internal eruptions” are no less terrible and dangerous. Anger does not spill out, but overwhelms a person from the inside. This can lead to depression, various addictions, suicidal feelings - even suicide. The feelings that a person hides or hides from himself eventually begin to rule him.
> Sometimes suppressed anger simply finds another outlet. A man who is angry with his boss may come home and angrily kick the dog, punish the child, curse his wife...
> Those who consciously and intentionally deny their anger the right to exist pay for it with various illnesses. This is reflected in our speech: “He makes my cheekbones ache,” “This whole story is a complete headache
> "A person convinces himself that he is not angry, but anger lives in him and does not go away. We try to deceive ourselves, but the body tells us the truth.
> It is difficult to express anger without resorting to passive or aggressive behavior. With some effort, we can develop the ability to handle angry feelings in the way that a confident lifestyle requires. But, unfortunately, many of us are conditioned to perceive the Gospel according to the principle of Thumper, the rabbit from Bambi: “If you can’t say anything good about anyone (or anyone), then don’t say anything at all.” However, there are ways to express your anger without doing anything wrong. Remember: anger in itself is not a sin;
Some ways of its manifestation are sinful. Ephesians 4:26 admonishes us: “If you are angry, do not sin; let not the sun go down on your anger.”
expressing anger is to behave according to the main principle of a confident lifestyle: caring for others and for yourself. To do this, you need to openly explain what caused your anger and what you think should be done to correct the situation. You will find that in most cases, this behavior will help defuse tense situations and find a peaceful and healthy solution to the problem.
> Here are some tips for expressing anger constructively.
>Admit that you are angry
> This is one of the most positive manifestations of self-confidence.
> A person’s thinking most directly influences the ways in which angry feelings are expressed. If you often think and talk about how others should behave, then you are applying your own standards of behavior to people. When they don't meet these standards, you naturally feel disappointed and angry. However, in most cases, people play by their own rules, and not by yours!
> Consider this example: your child has started first grade, and you go to the school PTA meeting for the first time, hoping to find like-minded friends there. To your disappointment, almost all members of the committee already know each other and are discussing future holidays, making joint plans. After the meeting, you spend a long time remembering how you felt out of place, and express your dissatisfaction to friends and acquaintances.
> There is no need to say (neither to yourself nor to others): “All members of the parent committee should show attention and friendly participation to those who came to the meeting for the first time!”
> You need to say (to yourself and, if you want, to someone else): "It would be great if members parent committee showed attention and friendly participation to those who came to the meeting for the first time. Unfortunately, I was not greeted like that at all."
> By eliminating the words “should,” “must,” and “must” from your thoughts and speech and replacing them with the words “may,” “could,” and “could,” you are likely to discover that behind your anger there is some kind of that different feeling in in this case feeling of disappointment. In addition, internal tension will ease - after all, by saying that someone “should” do something, you thereby take responsibility for the situation!
> Direct the "energy of anger" to peaceful purposes
> It is well known that anger is an energy-intensive emotion. Physiologically, our body reacts to anger at the “fight or flight” level: there is general arousal and a powerful release of adrenaline. All this can be used for creative purposes. Great example Moreover, the public organization “Mothers against drunk drivers”. These women channeled all their anger caused by the deaths and injuries of their children into changing society’s attitude towards drunk driving.
> That mother who felt superfluous and lonely at a meeting of the parent committee could also have used the “energy of anger” constructively: for example, propose the topic for the next meeting “How to make new committee members feel at home at school.” She could meet other parents of first-graders and arrange a meeting where they could get to know each other better; then they themselves would welcome newcomers and help them get comfortable.
> Keep it short and stay on topic
> There is no need at all to dwell at length and in detail about your claims. Determine the topic of the conversation, decide what exactly you are going to say, and say it as briefly, precisely and firmly as possible.
Don't talk about several things at once. > For example, you have a good friend with whom you have been friends for many years. IN Lately
she constantly teases you about your weight. In principle, you take jokes of this kind quite easily, but her hints, due to frequent repetition and monotony, no longer seem funny to you. Moreover, you began to get angry, and seriously angry. And here comes another remark about your “extra pounds.” > No need to say:
“You know, Connie, by the way, I’ve been trying to lose weight for a long time, but for some reason you don’t want to notice this! Do you think all these jokes of yours are funny to anyone? So, you’re wrong to think so! What right do you have to say? about my weight? Have you looked in the mirror yourself for a long time?”> It must be said:
"I've been really angry lately at your constant comments about my weight. I want you to stop making jokes about it."
> The first example is an example of aggressiveness and verbosity, while the main goal to ask your friend to stop making fun of your weight is expressed only indirectly. The second example is a direct request made in a respectful tone.
> Say "I" and "I want" > Having realized what exactly you don’t like in the behavior of another person, speak on your own behalf. There is no need to quote anyone or refer to those who share your opinion. Talk only about your own thoughts and feelings. clear and in simple words
Explain to the person what exactly you are asking him to do. Do not resort to the help of intermediaries; tell yourself honestly and directly what you feel, what you think and what changes you expect from your interlocutor.
> All these are signs of aggression, which can only add fuel to the fire of your anger and cause retaliatory aggression. For example:
she constantly teases you about your weight. In principle, you take jokes of this kind quite easily, but her hints, due to frequent repetition and monotony, no longer seem funny to you. Moreover, you began to get angry, and seriously angry. And here comes another remark about your “extra pounds.” “Look at you, donut! Me too, Miss Universe! Better go and sign up for a jogging group!”
“You know, Connie, by the way, I’ve been trying to lose weight for a long time, but for some reason you don’t want to notice this! Do you think all these jokes of yours are funny to anyone? So, you’re wrong to think so! What right do you have to say? about my weight? Have you looked in the mirror yourself for a long time?”“It seems to me that your jokes about my weight have long ceased to be funny. I want you to stop joking about this topic.”
> Stick to the “here and now” principle
> When expressing anger according to the principles of confidence, do not fall into lengthy discussions about the other person's past mistakes and failures.
Focus on a specific problem and the feelings and thoughts it caused you. If other topics come up during the conversation, put them aside for later.
> For example, you have two small children. You often see your husband's (wife's) parents and enjoy spending time with them. But you are annoyed by the fact that, when they come to visit you, every now and then they begin to raise your children and in your presence and in ways that you do not approve. You have asked them many times not to do this because, in your opinion, parents should be in charge of raising children. And now your relatives are reprimanding the children again - this is the second time in the last ten minutes!> Passive reaction:
you silently persuade yourself not to get angry or once again promise yourself to invite these guests as little as possible.> Aggressive reaction:
“You always pull the wool over Bob’s and Edge’s children too! And they can’t stand it! If you continue to do this, then all your children and grandchildren will stop calling you to their place!” > Confident reaction:
“Listen to me carefully. I have already asked you not to make comments to my children in our house. But you continue to do this, and I am very angry. We ourselves will call the children to order when we deem it necessary.”
>Give the person a chance to respond and listen carefully to their response.
> It is possible that your anger is caused by erroneous information or a misunderstanding. Calmly and impartially listen to what the other person has to say. Respect his point of view, even if you don't agree with it.
> For example, in response to a confidently expressed demand not to make comments to your children, their grandparents react like this: “We raised five children, and they all grew up to be wonderful people! You should at least sometimes listen to our advice. We only wish you the best! "> Answer (passive):
“Yes, yes, of course, you are right.”> Answer (aggressive): "Who told you that your children?"
beautiful people “I really appreciate your concern. But these are our children, and in this house we are the only ones who will make comments to them. If you want to continue this conversation, I will be happy to listen to you after the children go to bed.”
>Pray for God to melt your anger into something worthy
> Do not pray to God to deliver you from anger, although it would be easier for you. Instead, ask Him to reveal to you what feelings are hidden behind anger. Ask to be protected from the urge to express this anger in aggressive or passive ways. Ask Him for courage and wisdom to maintain respect for yourself and others even in anger.
> Reaction to someone else's anger
> Being the target of someone else's anger is difficult at best, scary at worst. Anger directed at you is usually perceived as a threat to your peace of mind and fills you with anxiety and fear. “What does this mean? You ask yourself. What did I do to deserve this? What can I do to make this person feel better?”
> Most people find it difficult to bear the anger of others. Even experienced counseling psychologists find this one of the most challenging aspects of their practice. It's no wonder that the hardest thing to deal with is the anger of those closest to you: family members, friends, colleagues, neighbors.
> Here are some tips for responding constructively to anger.
> Avoid insults and violence towards yourself
> As we remember, confident behavior implies respect not only for others, but also for oneself. Therefore, do not allow an angry person to insult you by word or action. Such a ban will protect both you and him. After all, many people, having expressed their anger in a sharp form, are then tormented by remorse. By not allowing a person to behave offensively, you are helping him to pull himself together. Make your demands directly and confidently. For example:
she constantly teases you about your weight. In principle, you take jokes of this kind quite easily, but her hints, due to frequent repetition and monotony, no longer seem funny to you. Moreover, you began to get angry, and seriously angry. And here comes another remark about your “extra pounds.” “Who are you to talk to me in such a tone?! Look, you decided to threaten! You won’t intimidate me! You won’t achieve anything with rudeness!”
“You know, Connie, by the way, I’ve been trying to lose weight for a long time, but for some reason you don’t want to notice this! Do you think all these jokes of yours are funny to anyone? So, you’re wrong to think so! What right do you have to say? about my weight? Have you looked in the mirror yourself for a long time?”"I don't allow you to talk to me like that. I know you're angry, but rudeness is too much. Stop it, please."
> Keep in mind that the real target of anger may also benot you
> Perhaps the person is angry with someone (or something) else, and takes out his anger on you simply because you turned up. For example, a person who has received what he considers an unfair reprimand from his boss decides to remain silent so as not to lose his job; But on the way home, he stops at a dry cleaner, and then everyone gets it: their quality is poor, their prices are high, and they work carelessly...
> We all sometimes have to listen to angry tirades about injustice, real or imaginary. Typically, in such cases, you can do two useful things: first, listen carefully to the person, and second, invite him to talk directly with the person (or people) with whom he is angry. Then, if he wants, you can work with him to develop a plan for such a conversation, built on the principles of assertive behavior. Note that anger usually does not go away until you share it with the person against whom it is directed. And complaining to third parties, a person usually becomes even more incensed because every time he retells his story, he relives the injustice.
> In the Gospel of Matthew 18:15 given wise advice members of the church, as well as anyone who is tempted to make a complaint not to the offender, but to a third party: “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone: if he listens to you, then you have gained your brother.” This verse emphasizes a personal, private, confidential conversation between two people, the barrier between them is anger.
>If you're wrong, apologize
> Listening to an angry person, admitting that you were wrong and asking for forgiveness all this, of course, is very difficult. First, make sure you listen to everything to the end. By apologizing ahead of time, you do not give the person the opportunity to explain to you what this offense means to him.
> When asking for forgiveness, speak clearly and look people in the face. Try to make your nonverbal behavior
confirmed the authenticity of your repentance. There is no need to look down, fiddle with the keys in your hands, or shyly mumble an apology. All these are manifestations of passivity. Self-deprecation will serve you poorly and will not confirm your sincerity. Only confident behavior combines respect for others with respect for oneself.
she constantly teases you about your weight. In principle, you take jokes of this kind quite easily, but her hints, due to frequent repetition and monotony, no longer seem funny to you. Moreover, you began to get angry, and seriously angry. And here comes another remark about your “extra pounds.” > But apologies can also be aggressive:
“You know, Connie, by the way, I’ve been trying to lose weight for a long time, but for some reason you don’t want to notice this! Do you think all these jokes of yours are funny to anyone? So, you’re wrong to think so! What right do you have to say? about my weight? Have you looked in the mirror yourself for a long time?”“I see that you are angry because we are often late for church, and you hate being late. I admit that I do sit for a long time reading the Sunday morning newspaper. I am very ashamed, and I promise you to leave the house on time from now on.”
> The first, aggressive statement is full of sarcasm and deliberate exaggeration. Not only will it not solve the problem, but it will also add fuel to the fire. The second statement is an example of a constructive approach to a problem. The person understands what caused the interlocutor’s anger, respects his feelings, makes a sincere apology and promises to change his behavior.
>Keep in mind that people sometimes get angry at God
> Angry at God?! Is not it grave sin? Not at all. Even a cursory glance at the Psalter convinces us that God is by no means weak or defenseless, and you cannot defeat Him with rude words. Many psalms are full of bitter reproaches addressed to God. The psalmist reproaches God for abandoning him, for the unfaithful to rejoice, and for God’s faithful servants to suffer and suffer.
> The truth is that only God in His greatness, power and love is able to cope with the entire spectrum human feelings, including anger. Our abilities in this sense are limited; for God nothing is impossible.
> 1. Listen carefully to the person. Try to understand not only his words, but also his feelings. Show him that you are listening to him.
> 2. Assure the person that it is not a sin to be angry with God. Let us repeat once again: it is not anger itself that is sinful, but some ways of expressing it.
> 3. Try to encourage a person to talk with God.
Let him tell God about his anger and the reasons that led to it.
Maybe he will choose one of the “wrathful psalms” to pray to you. You can recommend Psalms 9, 21, 37, 73, 78 to him.
> Set an example of Christian service > One way of Christian service is to allow the person to express their angry feelings to you, whether you caused them or someone else. By accepting someone else's anger as required by the principle of confidence, you gain the opportunity to help the person heal from anger and change for the better.> By constructively accepting someone else's anger, you show the person that you respect their feelings to the extent that you listen to angry speeches and recognize that the reasons that gave rise to your interlocutor's anger matter to him
> Sometimes it happens that, having listened to an angry person, you thereby ease his soul or help him direct the energy of anger into the right direction. But, as a rule, expressing anger does not mean getting rid of it. Perhaps you can help person to realize that he is angry, and understand why this happens. Awareness is the first step to healing.
> Attempts to cope with with my own anger or with the anger of others a great opportunity to show self-confidence. Anger often brings a person to the brink of sin, and confident behavior gives us the opportunity not to fall into sin and improve relationships with people by constructively solving problems. Anger in itself is not a sin and does not lead to sin. A person who chooses the path of self-confidence is able to avoid sin.
Science identifies the main types of emotions:
- joy,
- sadness,
- fear,
- anger,
- disgust,
- astonishment
- resentment
Of course, there are a lot of shades of emotions, depending on their intensity. But today we will talk about anger and resentment.
First, let's figure it out, What are emotions?
IN scientific literature we can find the following information: "Accompanying almost any manifestation of human activity, emotions serve as one of the main mechanisms internal regulation mental activity and behavior aimed at meeting current needs. Emotions have a psychophysiological basis, which means that emotional states accompanied physiological changes in organism. Due to emotional assessment Processes of increasing or decreasing readiness for action occur automatically and urgently in the body. Thus, emotions contribute to either mobilization or inhibition of internal and external activities. In addition, only by becoming the subject of stable emotional relationships do ideals, responsibilities, and norms of behavior turn into real motives for activity. Emotions that regulate relationships serve to determine the necessary proximity/distance with the object of the relationship.".
So, by rethinking this information, we can conclude that emotions are a fact. An integral part of human nature, inherent in it by nature. Emotions are the energy that helps us live. But since emotions can be positive and negative, the question often arises of what to do with negative emotions. How to manage them? Especially emotions such as anger and resentment cause a lot of inconvenience.
To do this, it is worth understanding the history of emotions, how they arise and why they are sometimes so unpleasant?
The fact is that emotion is initially a continuation of desire, need.
- When a child is born, his desires are satisfied in a direct way: he goes through the stage of omnipotence, when his mother, at his sole request, as if magically controlled by him, is always nearby and gives him all her love, all her attention. In essence, the child drowns in pleasure and satisfaction of all his desires, without making any effort. It happens that a mother takes poor care of her child and this also leaves a mark on his soul in the future.
- The child grows and gradually begins to separate from the mother, separating himself, her and other people. And his desires, and, consequently, emotions now meet with refraction on the path to satisfaction, since it is no longer possible to satisfy them directly, as before. The stage of taming affects and emotions begins. Then prohibitions, beliefs, and norms of behavior begin to form. If parents are attentive enough to the manifestations of their child's needs and emotions and are wise enough to constructively explain to the child what this emotion means and how to deal with it correctly in order to receive satisfaction and at the same time maintain the norms of decency, then the child forms a healthy pattern of satisfying desires, and emotions later becomes a motive that encourages action. But since parents themselves are sometimes not fully able to track their motives and emotions, the child may also have a gap at this stage. He may, without understanding the emotion, receive a ban on it and even be traumatized, not understanding why his desire cannot be satisfied, but accepting the authority and pressure of his parents, he is forced to give up the desire. Moreover, the initial desire is displaced by consciousness into the depths of the soul, and to it is also added the pain of incomprehension and dissatisfaction. Essentially, under the pressure of a ban, a person forgets what was behind this emotion. Energy remains in the form of emotion, since the desire is still not satisfied.
And where do you think this energy goes?
Perhaps many are familiar with examples when an uncovered tube of toothpaste or an unraised toilet lid becomes the cause of conflict in families. Can these very little things really cause an outburst of anger? But if we figure out what the true motive lies behind these little things for the most angry person, then we will find that exactly an unsatisfied desire to be loved, valuable, significant causes similar in it outbursts of anger and impotence.
We have a case where, most likely, there is no understanding of the desire itself and a way to satisfy it in a constructive way. Such emotions left over from repressed desires V later life can cause considerable harm if they are not realized. Moreover, a lack of understanding of emotions can lead a person to all sorts of traps that will further aggravate his negative emotions.
- For example, anger and hysteria in a place where there is an unconscious need to be loved and significant leads to reverse effect in the form of retaliatory attacks and further aggravates the pain of unfulfilled desire. Instead of satisfaction, a person becomes convinced that he is not heard and not loved. Thus, the pattern of destructive response is strengthened and drives the person into a dead end.
- Or withdrawal into oneself and resentment when you need to talk about what you need, about the true desire to feel needed and loved, and as a result of this, increased dissatisfaction and a feeling of uselessness, when the desire to be needed and loved is very urgent. And here the person convinces himself that he is really not needed and not loved, although in fact his reaction may have provoked the other person not to approach him at that moment or to turn away altogether. Because it happens that resentment manifests itself in the active repulsion of the person who causes the resentment.
A person grows up and becomes an adult, but a child’s desire to be understood without words, as in infancy, when the mother was always there and satisfied all desires literally as if by magic, understanding without words what the child wants, often remains in the subconscious.
And we have already discussed how, without receiving the necessary cultivation, such desires can become a huge problem for the rest of life.
Anger and resentment are manifestations of the same emotion. Only in the first case is it active, in the second it is passive and goes inside. The root is the same - dissatisfaction of desire.
In fact, the entire history of mankind is the history of the search for ways to happiness, to balance, to inner freedom.
And this whole path is darkened by suffering. Freud also wrote in “The Inconveniences of Culture” that a person is trapped between his drives (desires and needs) and the prohibitions that culture imposes on him. And if we remove the prohibitions, we will get chaos. Prohibitions create suffering. In our opinion, in to a greater extent this happens due to the fact that people lack knowledge about how it works human soul, about how to properly implement prohibitions.
One of the actively implemented human consciousness prohibitions is ban on emotions. Installation "To be emotional is to be weak!", perhaps, is familiar to many, if not everyone. But not everyone knows that this installation is destructive. Since suppression and denial of emotions can lead to mental problems and even physical illnesses. An emotion that is blocked settles in the body, creating the preconditions for illness. Imagine the consequences this installation in combination with unlived, unconscious, painful emotions? Who knows the situation when anger overwhelms you, and you cannot express it, you seem to choke on it, not being able to express these emotions? What about the resentment that seems impossible to express and is forced to remain inside?
So what to do in this case with negative emotions?
- It is obvious that suppressing and denying negative emotions leads to health problems.
- Direct splashing out, as in the example with a tube of toothpaste, often leads to conflicts and still does not satisfy our true motives.
Exists a fine line between suppressing and denying emotions and allowing yourself to experience them fully, but learn to understand them, live them and, if necessary, express them constructively. You may be asking, how can you express anger constructively? Think about it, is there a difference between talking about how you feel and what is unpleasant to you and insulting, blaming and attacking a person?
- Most likely, in the first case, the person will understand that he has somehow angered or upset you.
- In the second he high probability will defend himself from insults and accusations and will most likely attack in response.
In the first case, the result is that you expressed your feelings and probably conveyed that it is unpleasant for you even if your interlocutor is adequate person, you will have the opportunity to dialogue and come to a compromise. In the second case, most likely the result will be mutual resentment and misunderstanding.
Therefore, before expressing emotions, especially strong ones, it is useful to understand them and realize what true desire lies underneath them.
Therefore, every time strong emotions arise (this applies not only to resentment and anger), try to stop and, before expressing them or throwing them out, or withdrawing into yourself, justify them. Give reasons for what you feel.
You can do this according to the following scheme:
- Name the emotion. Give it a designation, a description.
- Justify the reasons for its occurrence. "I feel this because...".
- “What would I want from a person about whom I feel negative?”. Here, justify why this particular person should give you what you need right now.
If you managed to answer these questions, then you can safely express your emotions to the person!
Emotions can and should be expressed, as this is what helps people build relationships and gain intimacy. In relationships with strangers, this helps to build boundaries, defend your interests, and engage in dialogue.
For example, it’s normal to rebuff a person who is trying to be rude to you or force something on you that you don’t need or like. It's okay to talk about what you don't like or like. But is it normal to destroy yourself and relationships with resentment and anger?
In science there is such a concept as imprinting. This the property of the psyche to preserve everything that happens to a person from the moment of birth. That is, simply, all events are imprinted somewhere deep. Hypnosis is based on putting a person into a trance state and extracting from the depths of his soul those details and events that he no longer remembers for a long time.
So, negative emotions and affects are only attached to those traumatic and unpleasant situations from past. We may not remember these situations. We may not be aware of the needs and desires that lie beneath the expression of emotions. We already have a result - a negative emotion that arises in response to a certain signal, impact.
In fact, negative emotions are remnants of our past negative experiences.
And the very balance that we strive for begins with understanding ourselves and our weak points. Negative emotions are a signal of where you need to direct your attention. In this case, your inner world, you yourself, becomes the object of study. Once again, please note that this does not mean that you should not react to the person who is hurting you. Tell people what makes you uncomfortable. Especially close ones.
After all, close relationships are built on sincerity. It's more about taking responsibility for your own own life, your health and peace of mind.
And negative emotions can be an unbearable burden for you that you want to get rid of, or they can become a source of growth and learning. Above all, this is a great way to transform negative into positive. After all, devoting time and attention to studying your inner world, you thus give yourself care and love, which perhaps you did not receive back then in childhood.
Using the above scheme, you can improve your relationships with yourself and with people.
To summarize, we can say that negative emotions, along with positive ones, are an integral part of human nature. And trying to deny them means denying part of yourself. But having an understanding of emotions and their sources, a person has the opportunity not only not to destroy himself and those around him with them, but also to grow from them, accepting his individual experience with its unpleasant and painful moments. Learn to treat yourself with love, gain integrity and start living a full life.
Good luck to everyone! And see you again!
