Each of us has found ourselves in situations where it is difficult to make a choice and there is no guarantee that you will not regret it later. You want to flip a coin, leave the decision to fate... But this is self-deception: your doubts will not go away.
Let's say you got a job new job. At first, you are satisfied with everything: a spacious office, nice colleagues, interesting projects. It seems that this is what you dreamed of. But soon you notice that the boss likes to punish everyone for little things, and “nice” colleagues weave intrigues behind their backs. Or another example: after several years life together your partner suddenly blindsides you with the statement “I don’t want children.” You haven't talked to him about this before, and it's not like children are a priority for you... But now, despite all the love you have for him, you have doubts. Maybe I should break up with him now?
Life cannot be paused or saved, like in a video game, to lose everything possible scenarios. We still make some choice, even if we avoid any action. But if we master the art of acceptance difficult decisions, we can rid ourselves of the lion's share of doubts and regrets.
1. What would Captain America do?
Doubts make us vulnerable. Fear, anxiety, and despondency appear. Without realizing it, we stop assessing the situation objectively and eventually begin to think about only one thing: if only it would end. Anything, any way out, just to get out of this endless circle.
To prevent this from happening, it is useful to abstract yourself. Ask yourself: “What would another person do?” You don't know whether he needs to pay off his loan or pay for driving lessons. But this is not bad: unnecessary information creates noise in your head and makes it difficult to see the value of each option.
Feelings are a great helper in a situation where the mind gets bogged down in details.
Don't demand from yourself what you wouldn't demand from others. If you have double standards, you are setting yourself up for painful hesitation in the future.
2. Turn off your brain, turn on your senses
Sometimes they get in the way, like that time you were rude to your mother even though she was just commenting on your new hairstyle. But feelings are a great helper in a situation where the mind gets bogged down in details and plays out the same scenarios over and over again.
Listen to yourself. Wait for the moment when the anger subsides, the sadness recedes, the shame dulls. Stay with your feelings, try to decipher what they tell you. Try to name your experiences and evaluate their strength. What moments make you irritated? Inspiration? Anger?
3. Expand the standard list of pros and cons
We usually make lists like this: we divide the page into two parts - for each option - and write down the arguments in favor of one and the other. But for a change, try making a separate list of pros and cons for each option.
It may seem that arguments in favor of one solution will automatically spill over into arguments against another. But often this method reveals nuances that simply did not come to mind. For example, arguments against divorcing your partner may include your feelings for him, your need for care and support, and your fear of being alone. On the other hand, when compiling a list of arguments for divorce, you can think more about yourself: about your needs that you cannot fulfill in this relationship, about your new requirements for the relationship, for the family. Even if you decide to stay in the relationship, this list may help you understand yourself better.
4. Before you leave, fight
Or maybe the choice is not so pressing? Maybe problems can be solved without slamming doors? For example, explain to your boss that excessive regulation prevents you from concentrating and delivering everything on time. Or take a closer look at your colleagues: perhaps there are those among them who also don’t like the atmosphere in the team.
Or maybe the choice is not so pressing? Maybe problems can be solved without slamming doors?
There is nothing wrong with expressing your wishes persistently but correctly. If you passively accept what happens to you, or lose your temper at the slightest irritation, perhaps the problem is you, and you should work on your self-esteem.
Of course, you shouldn’t fall into illusions: you can’t change people, and there’s always a risk that they won’t listen to you. But at least you can make the decision with a lighter heart, knowing that you've tried everything.
5. Imagine there is no choice
Let's take doubts about work as an example.
Your job is not the best in the world. If you had the chance, you would find something else. But this is the only job on earth. You'll have to stay. Listen to yourself. What do you feel - relief, regret, something else?
Important decisions don't come easy. Set yourself a deadline (day, week) and act
Do the same operation with another option: what if you were laid off? You have nowhere to go - you need to comb the Internet again in search of vacancies and send out your resume. How do you feel now? Weigh your experiences and use them to make a decision.
6. The choice may have already been made.
You just haven't realized it. If you notice that all your thoughts revolve around one option and it’s annoying to miss it, don’t deceive yourself. Do what you are passionate about. It's better to do what you want, regardless of the costs, than to twist yourself into a pretzel and only end up with dissatisfaction.
Remember: important decisions don't come easy. Does not exist magic pills, which unlock the part of the brain where all the correct answers lie. But instead of going from wall to wall in anxiety, set yourself a deadline (a day, a week) and act.
About the expert
– clinical psychologist, specialist at the Center for Anxiety Disorders at Boston University (USA).
Throughout our lives we have to choose!
Live in a city or a village? Become a lawyer or an artist? Who to build relationships with? Leave everything as it is or decide to make changes?
There are simple situations, such as deciding what to have for breakfast this morning, which way to get to the store, or which one to choose for yourself. new clothes. But often you have to face a decision that can truly change your life, which, as it seems, can radically turn it around, making it more comfortable or bringing you closer to your desired goals. And then, most likely, we are overcome by fear. Fear of making a mistake, fear of taking a wrong turn. It seems that I would give everything for worthwhile advice from anyone, and it doesn’t matter whether it’s the Lord God himself or Google.
And yet there is something in common in simple and difficult choice. Such as eating muesli or steak for breakfast, or proposing marriage or breaking up with a person completely.
Firstly, any choice has three sides to it. First better than second, the first is worse than the second, or two options are equally good. People, for the most part, tend to perceive options from a “mathematical” point of view, trying to take into account all the pros and cons: the first is harder than the second, you need to put more effort into this than the other, the first is financially preferable, etc. Or both cars have similar engine sizes and year of manufacture, which can make them comparable.
And these are rather simple choices. You take what suits you best or flip a coin and take either one, since they are equal.
But simple choice is bad. What could happen if everyone knew what he should choose?
We would eat healthy oatmeal and refuse a delicious cupcake, we would go to work as bankers without thinking about an acting career, we would walk, dismissing driving a car. All this is, of course, conditional, but no one would be faced with such painful hardships of choice, not knowing what to do tomorrow. There wouldn't be those amazing discoveries, that positive charge from realizing what you want.
Thus, in this whole theory there appears a fourth most important aspect– INCOMPATIBILITY.
Some things and actions simply cannot be compared in importance or impact. We can endlessly compare the careers of a philosopher and an engineer without relying on own desires And inner voice. It is the factor of incomparability that allows us to act based on own beliefs, choose currents close to us in spirit, prove the impossible to others... Go towards your dream.
Adoption own decision- this is a difficult, but at the same time such an important step in the development of every person, in his right to be a person. And it’s not even a matter of which of the options will be more correct or better, more wrong or more difficult. The point is that every decision will make us more holistic, and give us material for building our own Self. Only we know what we want! We don’t have to go far, let’s look inside ourselves. And only based on the future we dream about, we make decisions as steps in our own life...
The feelings have long cooled down. Moreover, there is nothing in common between them. This marriage was a mistake from the very beginning. Now he understands this for sure. There is no strength to endure this loneliness anymore, to live under the same roof with a complete stranger. But there was still a family in which he put so much effort. And most importantly, there is a child to whom he is so attached. He is a very good father.
And suddenly love is the kind of love he always dreamed of. She is like the other half of his soul, an exact copy of him. She understands him perfectly. She knows in advance what he loves and what he wants. She makes him feel the long-forgotten intoxication of love, when he wants to think only about her.
He doesn’t want to lose her, but it’s hard to leave his family. Most of all, my son. And every time they appear, it seems, objective reasons to postpone the break. It is difficult for him to decide to completely change his life and make a choice between the past and the future. Nobody knows what this future will be like, but the past is already here - smooth, measured and... hopeless. He is torn between two women, experiencing constant feeling guilt towards all participants in this situation. Who to choose: wife or new love? Let's help you figure it out with System-vector psychology Yuri Burlan.
System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan explains that there are eight sets of innate mental properties of a person, which are called vectors. They determine the desires and potential capabilities of each person.
The situation described in our example is possible when a man has an anal vector. He is a very good family man. For him, family, children - the most important values. He is monogamous and remains faithful to his first woman. Breaking off a relationship is always difficult for him also for the reason that the novelty factor is a source of stress for him. His psyche is directed to the past. This is its purpose - collecting and passing on the experience of previous generations to the next, and therefore tends to value the past more. In addition, he has a hard time adjusting, his thinking is rigid and straightforward, not prone to rapid changes.
He is patient and able to wait a long time until the situation changes for the better. And he is able to put a lot of effort into maintaining what he has. He is strong and stable in this stubborn desire to preserve.
Add to this the visual vector, which gives a man increased sensuality and the need to create emotional connections. An anal-visual man is especially strongly attached to children and loves them with all his heart. He is a truly caring father, and cannot imagine himself without this care. That is why it is difficult for him to leave the child without his care. All these properties and desires fall into the balance in order to save the family.
Or is it still love?
The visual vector is also the reason that such a man, in a relationship with a woman, wants to find, first of all, feelings, a special understanding of each other. He loves confidential conversations and mutual exchange experiences. If he lives with a woman who does not have a visual vector, or her visual vector is not sufficiently developed, then he lacks emotional fulfillment in this regard, and he truly suffers.
There is a common belief that children do best in full family, even if the parents don't get along with each other. However, System-Vector Psychology of Yuri Burlan claims that this is not so. A sense of security and safety, without which normal life is impossible mental development a child, especially under 6 years old, comes from the mother. And if the mother is poor condition because she doesn’t get along with her husband, if there are constant scandals in the family, then the child loses this feeling. In this case, it will be much better for him to stay with one of the parents, with someone with whom he can feel protected.
After puberty, a person becomes a mature personality who enters into independent life, and you shouldn’t rely on his desire to see his parents together. Very soon he will leave his parents' nest, and his parents will have to stop caring for him.
How to make a choice?
Sometimes it is better to leave than to maintain something that is harmful to everyone involved in the situation. But in order to assess this harm impartially and objectively, with a full understanding of what is happening to each person, you need to have knowledge of psychology. When this knowledge is absent, a man with an anal vector experiences a constant feeling of guilt. Sitting on two chairs is a very unfavorable situation for him, which can lead to a heart attack, because the heart is his weak point.
Of course, a man will make his own choice. But if he knows his properties, sees the desires and properties of all participants in the situation, this choice will be much more balanced. Modern man– a polymorph that has 3-5 vectors in its vector set. And this means that his demand in a relationship is much higher. How can you initially see with whom you connect your life? How do you know if you have something in common, if a relationship will work out in the future, or if it’s just an attraction that will flare up and go out? System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan can answer these questions.
Sometimes the knowledge gained during the training helps save the family, if there is something to save. When you begin to see the qualities of your partner and the reasons for his behavior, it is easier to accept him, let him be himself, and stop demanding from him what he cannot give. And when minor niggles go away, you begin to appreciate the main thing in a person, what you once chose him for. Systems thinking helps you take a decisive step towards a new, happier relationship, because you have an exact understanding of what you want from them, what kind of partner you need.
Already at free online lectures you can begin to get acquainted with human psychology, as well as get answers to many questions regarding relationships. You can register via the link: http://www.yburlan.ru/training/
The article was written using training materials on System-Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan
May 21
I () wrote and spoke a lot, oh a lot last year about the need to “make a Choice”, “make a Decision”, etc.
At the same time, just yesterday, thanks to an apt comment from a close friend, I realized one subtle detail: sometimes it is extremely difficult for a person to make a fateful decision if he does not have a MECHANISM - HOW EXACTLY should he do this?
How to clear the turmoil and panic in your head, how to bring yourself to a state in which the process of choosing from two (for example) alternatives will be clearer and more structured?
Many wise men wrote: “Important decisions should be made with a cool head!” In a sober mind! So that emotions don’t cloud your eyes, don’t put pressure on your ears, don’t drown out the subtle squeak of the Mind!)
And again the question is - HOW to bring yourself to this state?
Once upon a time, in one very critical situation a technology literally entered my head, which I actively use to this day... I don’t rule out that it was already described somewhere in NLP textbooks, but at that moment it just CAME to me.
So, what should you do when you urgently need to choose one of two alternatives, but it’s unclear which one I really WANT? But you need to choose urgently, the situation is extremely tense, there are a lot of emotions, your hair is on end, your adrenaline is rushing, in general it’s terrible...
Attention, Step 1.
Change the environment and retire. At least for 5-10 minutes.
Step 2. Calm down. As one wise colleague of mine says, “emotions are determined by the presence of physical body" Therefore, it is most effective to influence your emotional state through the body.
- Sharply tense all the muscles in the body, and also sharply release them.
- Making several of these “resets” can lead to screaming. Two or three repetitions - and the condition will stabilize slightly.
- Next, we walk and breathe. Deep, slow. With each breathing cycle - deeper and slower. The slower your breathing, the slower your step speed. (if you have the skill diaphragmatic breathing- use it, if not, breathe in the usual way). We concentrate all our attention on breathing. We send all thoughts out into the forest - focus ONLY on breathing. We restore inner balance. The task is to stabilize the emotional state through slow, deep, measured breathing...
Step 3. When we have more or less returned to a state of balance, breathing has normalized, we concentrated - we find a point on the floor, which we call “point 0”.
- Let's get up there.
- We concentrate on breathing. We tell ourselves: I am standing at point 0, I am nothing. I'm outside the system. I'm out of the situation. I breathe deeply and observe the situation from the outside. At point 0 there are no emotions, no evaluations, no attitude.
- There is only the cool, expert, detached observer.
Step 4. Imagine two points - one in front on your left, the other in front on your right. We place one of the alternatives on the point on the left, and another on the point on the right. We look at them from the outside from point 0. (in NLP language - dissociated!)
Step 5. Choose one of the alternatives and take a step there.
- Let's dive into this option.
- Let's live it.
- We fix what the state will be if we choose this option. What will I see/hear/feel?
- If desired and necessary, I make a forecast of how the situation will develop further if it follows this scenario. Every other day, week, month.
- Let's return to the present.
- We get out of the situation. We take a step back to point 0.
Step 6. Select another alternative and perform the same operation.
IMPORTANT! When I enter space specific solution- my task is to LIVE, feel, see, realize myself inside specific action, which will lead to a specific result.
Don't think about it, but live it.
Step 7. We return again to point 0.
We take several deep breaths and exhalations. As a rule, by this moment at point 0 it becomes absolutely obvious which of the solutions is preferable. Now the main thing is to be completely honest with yourself and do as you decided...
And, as they say, “choose and be blessed...”
