There is nothing to be done; we, one way or another, depend on the assessment of other people. When we are appreciated well, we rise, we become big, beautiful, smart, we are accepted by ourselves, because we judge ourselves from other people's words. And when they denigrate us, saying that we are bad, not good, stamping their feet on us, shouting at us, fear immediately arises and our “I” shakes internally. It turns out that we do not correspond to someone's ideas. It is known that a person is not born as a person, but becomes one in the process of joint activities with other people and communication with them. When performing certain actions, a person constantly (but not always consciously) checks what others expect from him. In other words, he seems to “try on” their demands, opinions, and feelings. Based on the opinions of others, a person develops a mechanism by which his behavior is regulated - self-esteem (we talked about it in the article “Perception of the world and oneself in it”). I repeat, self-esteem is usually understood as an individual’s assessment of himself, his qualities and place among other people. The relationship between “I am real” and “I am ideal” characterizes the adequacy of a person’s ideas about himself, which is expressed in self-esteem.
Love. Another says: “How good you are! How good you are!” And our life begins to acquire bright colors. It’s worth hearing “good” addressed to you, and we don’t stop there. The next day, if the other said “good” once, he will have to tell us “good” twice, then three... The understanding that everything has two sides is not born in the mind. If we are told "ok", the question is when the other will bring out the second part. Surely, next time, or every other time, or ten times, we will still be shown the second part. Where it is “good”, where there is delight, the second part is hidden. Being in enthusiasm, we do not suspect it, and like butterflies we fly towards the fire of this “good”.
After "good" comes "bad". No one quarrels like lovers, like lovers, those who promised each other so much. When the peak of delight is reached, the man admires the woman, the woman admires the man, now they must fulfill their lives at the expense of each other, they must maintain this delight, they must live their whole life together and die on the same day. And suddenly, after some time, they see that everything is wrong. Not the way they imagined. The torment begins. We were told “bad”, and we are no longer like that: we are not praised, they do not love us, they are not interested in us, and so on. If we don’t know anything about ourselves, then the words of another about us are our whole life. Just the words of another. We don't see anything behind the words. He says “good” - and the flight, he says “bad” - we fly into the abyss and crash. Everything depends on the other if we are strangers to ourselves.
Psychologists look at self-esteem from various perspectives. Thus, assessing oneself as a whole as good or bad is considered to be general self-esteem, and assessment of achievements in certain types activity - partial. In addition, they distinguish between actual (what has already been achieved) and potential (what is capable of) self-esteem. Potential self-esteem is often called the level of aspiration. Consider self-esteem as adequate/inadequate, i.e. appropriate/inappropriate real achievements and the potential capabilities of the individual. Self-esteem also differs by level - high, medium, low. Too high and too low self-esteem can become a source of personality conflicts, which can manifest themselves in different ways.
In life, everything does not happen as it appears in the human mind. As a result, the damage is done immediately, with the first unsuccessful, failed love: a scratched, bruised ego, shock because it didn't work out as expected. The consequences of this sometimes last a lifetime. A person, out of pain, out of fear, because he suffered such a fiasco, no longer enters into deep relationships. His mental self-defense He works in such a way that in love he moves, almost on his belly, on the sly, looking in this way and that, measuring and commensurating - it seems to him that he will not endure such pain again. When a person learns to be aware of himself, he remains attentive to himself, he goes through first love, through the pain of collapsing projections, and a lot opens up before him. He sees that the first thing that makes a person sick is not heartache, but pain associated with the destruction of projections.
Most often, people with low self-esteem (or their relatives, or if we're talking about about children). In this case, it is important to take into account the level of aspirations of the individual. In practice, there are two types of low self-esteem: low self-esteem combined with low level pretensions (totally low self-esteem) and a combination of low self-esteem with high level claims.
In the first case, a person tends to exaggerate his shortcomings, and, accordingly, regard achievements as the merit of other people or attribute them to simple luck.
The second case is fraught with much greater internal conflict. Such self-esteem may indicate the development of an inferiority complex and internal anxiety of the individual. The collision is very high aspirations with low self-esteem can give very acute emotional reactions. In psychology, this concept is called the “affect of inadequacy.” People with the affect of inadequacy strive to be the first in everything (even when this primacy has absolutely no meaning), therefore any situation testing their competence is assessed by them as threatening and often turns out to be very difficult emotionally. A person with the second type of low self-esteem is usually characterized by a low assessment of others.
Too high self-esteem leads to a person overestimating himself and his capabilities. As a result of this, he has unfounded claims, often not supported by others. Having the experience of such “rejection,” an individual can withdraw into himself and become embittered, often this manifests itself in even greater arrogance towards others. Thus destruction occurs interpersonal relationships, and external conflicts arise. From people with very high self-esteem you can hear statements that no one understands them, cannot appreciate their qualities and achievements, and at the same time suspiciousness and suspiciousness may appear.
A person comes into life, and in his mind he is promised happiness for all his remaining years. He has no idea what he will have to go through, how much to lose, how much to find, what kind of vision he will need in order to live his life. own life. He doesn’t suspect, doesn’t imagine, and since childhood he’s been trying to fit into the enormity of life with a ready-made promise to himself that everything will be fine. And suddenly - a crash.
The main thing for a person will always be relationships with other people. But living relationships are not built according to a pre-ordered project; the result will be the same: frustration and disappointment about the meeting.
There is a common belief: the happiest lovers are those who do not meet. Disappointment can be hidden from yourself by suppressing it into the subconscious, or you can admit that it exists and live with it. Then the doors will not be closed for us, we will be able to get out of this relationship, we will be open to new meetings, to new relationships. Otherwise, the doors close and the man and woman simply eke out an existence. True happiness is when we do not miss life, but go along with it, without closing our eyes, and, therefore, learn to see reality and live with reality. This is adult life.
Marina Makarova
Ecology of life. Psychology: If you are a social phobe, a neurotic, or just a person who depends on the opinions of others, this method is for you...
How to remove dependence on external (social) assessment
If you are a social phobe, a neurotic, or just a person who depends on the opinions of others, this method is for you. True, it is for you if you really want to change something in your life
How can you even understand that you have any dependence on the opinions of others?
- You are afraid to express your opinion/speak in public
- You are afraid of offending other people
- To make a decision, you need advice
- You avoid open conflicts
- You calculate how others will react to your words and behavior.
- You find it difficult to delegate authority
- You find it difficult to maintain relationships, especially long-term ones
- You easily allow people to “sit on your neck”
- It's hard for you to refuse
- You find it difficult to ask for anything
- It's hard for you to insist on your own
- You suffer from criticism if it comes from someone
This is far from full list, but I think the general leitmotif is clear.
What does the presence of the picture described above mean?
This picture is the habit of thinking about others MORE than ABOUT YOURSELF.
Where does all this “happiness” come from? Everything is quite obvious. You drag all this baggage from your past life. From childhood, youth, just from the past.
All the described strategies of behavior always run into certain ogres (limiting beliefs) that you picked up, following your own life path. Some of the ogres were indoctrinated into you. Some of them got into my head consistently and persistently. Some were burned into the brain with a hot iron by the will of people who were older and stronger than you. But!
Dependence on the opinions of others is not fate or karma. It's a habit. And it can be changed.
What to do to reduce dependence on external assessment
Step 1. Summarize the opinions/assessment of others every time you realize that these phenomena are directed in your direction.
I will give examples.
Your mom says that you shouldn’t spend money on a car (an apartment/business, etc.) because you’re too bad a driver (apartments are getting cheaper, it’s too risky to start a business, etc.). In response to your counterarguments, she begins to raise her voice, swear at you, gets offended, slams the door and leaves (leave) to her place.
Summary: Mom wants to convince me in any way she can that I don’t need to invest money in...
Please note that in such a resume it is important to follow the following principles:
a) put everything into one sentence
b) exclude emotions from the resume as a class
c answer 3 questions. Who does it? What does it do? How does he do it?
Another example.
Your boss promised to send you another vacation in mid-October. But earlier this month he laid off two employees. And now he has told you that he cannot send you on vacation this month. In response to your objection that you had already planned your vacation, the boss irritably answered you that there is now a crisis in the country and employees need to hold on to their jobs. He also said that everything had already been decided. And he has no time to listen to complaints, he needs to take care of the company.
Summary: The boss canceled the promised vacation using emotional pressure.
Your partner gave you the following text. You don't understand me. You think only about yourself and your pleasure. You don't think about your family. About me. You are an ordinary egoist. Who sits and ignores real needs close people. You don't show initiative. You don't offer shared vacation options. You are not interested in my life. You don't ask first about how my day was. I always do this. And I’m already tired of waiting for what will ever change in our relationship. I've had enough!
Summary: my partner voiced a set of needs that I do not realize.
Step 2. Connect the opinions of others with the need that motivates their behavior.
Let's take the above examples.
Example 1. Power. Safety.
Example 2. Power. Prosperity. Comfort.
Example 3. Power. Confession. OK. Attention. Understanding. Communication.
Please pay attention to the following points:
a) The needs of another person should not be assessed based on direct text his messages, but based on the summary of what you did in the first step.
b) If the need is not evident in the text itself, ask yourself next question- “What benefit will a person get if I do as he wants/offers/insists?”
c) any instructions, admonitions, criticism, advice, by definition, imply a desire to influence you. That is, to rule over you. It's natural.
What will you get in the end?
You will get a choice. Open and obvious. Between the specific true motives of another person and your own. Having that choice is sobering. And it begins to change your behavior.
If regularly performing this technique does not reduce your addiction, then you already need outside help. That is, you will either change your behavior or conduct a full-fledged field diagnosis.
For the first time in the topic of popular psychology, readers are offered such a complete encyclopedic publication. Love and family relationships, meaning of life and effective communication, raising children and best practices self-improvement - on all these topics the reader will find answers to key issues and, most importantly, reasonable practical recommendations, as well as examples from the world's best psychological research, articles, trainings and techniques.
The author of the encyclopedia, Nikolai Ivanovich Kozlov, is one of the most famous Russian psychologists. His best-selling books “How to Treat Yourself and People,” “ Philosophical tales", "Simple right life"and others are familiar to tens of millions of readers. N. I. Kozlov – doctor psychological sciences, Professor, President of the Association of Psychologists of the Synton Approach, accredited member of the EAC (European Association of Counseling), Rector of the University practical psychology, founder and scientific supervisor Russia's largest training center "Sinton", editor-in-chief portal "Psychologos", the most popular psychological portal on the RuNet.
Book:
We are constantly being evaluated. Rate our appearance, our manners, statements and texts, our actions and our choices - and not all assessments please us, not all of them we need. You need to be able to separate assessments, paying attention to assessment tips from reasonable and competent people and ignoring the ill-considered assessments of random people.
“Praise and slander were accepted with indifference, And do not challenge the fool,” Alexander Sergeevich Pushkin had this situation in mind.
Deafness to the assessments of others is the same mistake as complete submission to them. A person who completely ignores the assessments of others, either unable or unwilling to hear them, is completely autonomous, but at the same time isolated from society. A man's admiring look pleases attractive woman, and the disapproving look of the father makes the child think: “Did I do the right thing?” Evaluations can be necessary, joyful and useful.
One of the ways to get rid of evaluative dependence is to perform non-standard actions, to do things that are unusual for yourself and those around you. This trains confidence, courage, and the ability to step out of your comfort zone.
It is important to be able to adequately evaluate yourself. Interest and attentiveness to how others perceive and evaluate us are wonderful qualities, mandatory part good manners. But a person’s dependence on the positive or negative assessments of others is big trouble. If a person loses his authorial position, trying to please everyone around him indiscriminately, his life is deprived of a reasonable direction, and he himself can easily turn into a neurotic.
Indeed, how should you behave if your husband wants one thing from you, your mother wants another, and your child wants a third, and everyone is judging you? Living with a constant eye on others is uncomfortable.
However, some level of evaluative dependence is sometimes necessary. For example, in educational process. A reasonable educator can use the child’s evaluative dependence on parents and other significant elders in order to form in him attitudes, views and habits that are useful for life.
If you are an adult (be careful, not all people over 16 years old are adults!), then you can already rely on your mind and grade yourself. Or not to install them at all, if in this situation you have other plans. Adult and to a reasonable person evaluative dependence is rather harmful, depriving him of independence and having a bad effect on his health. Instead of evaluative dependence, it is useful for an adult to develop attentiveness to the evaluations of others in order to, if necessary, take them into account in a timely manner, influence them, or ignore them when they are irrelevant.
How to reduce the estimated dependence? There are two ways. The first is to reduce the actual dependence on grades. The “Unconventional Actions” exercise will help here. The second is to develop the ability to choose which assessments are worth responding to and which are not.
Exercise “Non-standard actions”
Tourists traveling around Japan could see business-dressed young people in squares suddenly starting to sing or read poetry just like that. What was that? Training managers to develop their self-confidence, the ability to behave without constraining themselves by the expectations of others - training “Non-standard actions” (see Chapter 7, section “Self-motivation”).
For many people, evaluation dependence is a serious internal barrier. Acquiring inner freedom from what others think is a worthy task at a certain stage of development. Inner freedom is lightness and relaxedness, natural behavior, courage and drive, the ability to accept own solutions, the ability to ignore the opinions of others when it is irrelevant. How to develop such a detune from external control?
One way is to train yourself to do unusual things. Individual training “Non-standard actions” is about doing things that are unusual for yourself and non-standard for those around you. Things that are not harmful to anyone, often kind and useful, but: “I’ve never done that! It's kind of scary! Scary!"
Exercise “Unconventional Actions” is working with limiting beliefs, fear, training confidence, courage, and the ability to leave your comfort zone.
It will be even more difficult if these actions go against not only your habits, but also the expectations of others. If these are unconventional, unexpected, strange, incomprehensible actions - those that “normal” (that is, those who comply with norms, frameworks, standards) people do not commit.
To overcome childhood dependence on the opinions of others, come up with and learn to perform non-standard actions, but not through force, but with enthusiasm, with a spirit of freedom and mischief, feeling yourself incredibly smart, nice and beautiful inside.
What could it be? Everything that is internally difficult and scary for you is within the framework of your own physical safety, respect for others and compliance with the law.
IN Soviet era future great physicist Lev Landau trained his inner courage by walking down the street with balloon tied to his hat. Now it seems cute and simple, but at the time it was something out of the ordinary. Today, typical training situations: pacifier in mouth - and walking down the street. At a bus stop or on the subway, read poems by Pushkin or other favorite poets out loud, loudly and with expression. In the subway car, start whining in the style of “Forgive me, good people, that we are contacting you! We ourselves are local people, take as much money from us as you want!” - and distribute change to those who wish.
If you are scared, it is better to do non-standard actions first in the company. It's more fun together, and it's not so scary anymore.
If you are very scared, it is easier to start doing non-standard actions with an internal justification: “This is not just a nipple, the doctor prescribed this to correct the bite!” Poems in the crowd: “I’m not fooling around, I’m a member of the drama club and I’m training.” When you feel confident, you will no longer need any excuses. To whom and for what should you make excuses?
You should not practice non-standard actions, because of which you may have any everyday troubles. Don’t bother police officers, neighbors and colleagues – overly bold training non-standard actions at work can harm your business reputation. It's important to remember that this exercise– this is not the practice of hooliganism; you should not commit actions that are unpleasant to others. And don’t turn your training into empty entertainment: when you realize that you have freed yourself from the constraining framework, stop being shocking and get down to business.
Estimated dependence - psychological phenomenon, open and conceptually formulated Vladimir Levi. Estimated dependence ( OZ) is one of the main motives of human behavior. It is formed as a specifically human psychosocial superstructure over the basic mechanism of reward and punishment that works in all living beings. The beginnings of evaluative dependence are also present in higher animals, for example, in dogs. A person’s health is formed starting from early childhood and serves as the main tool for primary and subsequent socialization. In the very in simple form manifests itself with a desire for approval and fear of disapproval from others, and especially highly significant others. OZ in a fairly balanced proportion with other components mental life ensures a person's adaptation to his environment, to its standards of behavior , mentality and values. In unbalanced, “off-scale” degrees, it is the source of numerous neuroses , phobias and especially social phobias, the underlying cause of many depressive and psychopathic conditions.
For example, such a common psychoneurotic illness as stuttering is in the vast majority of cases the result of excessive awareness of one’s own speech. Excessive VA plays the same predominant role in almost all cases of male impotence. OZ plays a huge role in love and marital relationships and serves as the source of most discord between people who are evaluatively dependent on each other.
In its accentuated form, acute illness can become something similar to drug addiction and lead to deep personality deformations with many complications, in particular, such as alcoholism and actually addiction. Protective psychological mechanism from “off scale” health often becomes mental dullness, dishonesty, heartlessness and different shapes antisocial behavior. If on early stages personality formation, moderate degrees of PH contribute to mental and mental development, then in the future PH, personality development increasingly slows down. Personal antonym of OZ - inner freedom. In many books by Vladimir Levi, PH is considered in practical terms - as a phenomenon subject to awareness and personal self-correction. In the book " Unusual child» the occurrence of OA in childhood is traced. In the book “Where to Live?” and others - the relationship between health problems and other addictions, such as drug addiction, sexual addiction, etc.
Sources
Books by Vladimir Levi “Unconventional Child”, “The Art of Being Different”, “Traumatology of Love”, “Where to Live?”, “Health Mistakes”, “Lonely Friend of the Lonely”, “Not Only Depression”, “A Hired God”, “Guiding Force” mind", and others.
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See what “Evaluated dependence” is in other dictionaries:
- (b. November 18, 1938, Moscow) Russian doctor psychotherapist, psychologist, writer, artist and musician. Author scientific works and popular books on psychology and medicine, literary prose, poems and songs, designer of his own books. Contents... Wikipedia
Vladimir Lvovich Levi (b. November 18, 1938, Moscow) Russian psychotherapist, psychologist, writer, artist and musician. Author of scientific works and popular books on psychology and medicine, fiction, poetry and songs, designer... ... Wikipedia
Vladimir Lvovich Levi (b. November 18, 1938, Moscow) Russian psychotherapist, psychologist, writer, artist and musician. Author of scientific works and popular books on psychology and medicine, fiction, poetry and songs, designer... ... Wikipedia
