The teacher is nagging. What to do if a teacher is picking on you? Beauty as an additional burden

Psychologist regional center“Family” Natalia Marintseva advises parents of “inconvenient” students.

I don’t know what to do, what we should do. The teacher didn't like my son. She just can't stand him! - the mother of a second-grader in one of the Volgograd schools is nervous. And holds out the diary with trembling hands:

Here, look.

On each page, notes in red pen scream that the student is fidgeting at his desk, rushing headlong during breaks, has forgotten his notebook, pen, etc. etc. Plus desperate calls: “Parents, take action urgently!”

Mom takes out several of her son’s notebooks from her bag. As another proof of the teacher’s bias and the unfairness of her grades.

Maybe we should move to another class or to another school?

It is difficult for a psychologist to assess the degree of bias of a teacher. And there is hardly any need to do this. After all, it is obvious that a situation has arisen in which the teacher cannot cope with the child. Hence his constant appeals to his parents, probably in the hope that the punishing parental anger will fall on the head (or in completely different places) of the guilty child.

Such school-family conflict occurs quite often. Parents need to call on all their restraint and try to objectively assess the situation. This is the only way to do something to soften the severity of the moment.

Tell yourself: “Yes, I love my child very much, even if he bad student. Yes, I'm nervous (upset, furious). But the whole world doesn’t have to love my child.”

Re-read the teacher’s comments, at least temporarily “turning off” your emotions and without becoming infected by the teacher’s emotions. Just read the text: what is behind it?

For example, “The whole lesson is looking out the window,” “He’s sitting and dreaming again.” This is most likely about boredom and inattention. It happens: the body is here, but the thoughts are far away. Interest in the learning process is not awakened. But you can’t force anyone to “take” knowledge.

“Distracted all the time,” “Does whatever he wants in class.” You probably have difficulty concentrating.

“I spent half the lesson crawling under the table,” “Disturbing the whole class.” We are talking about excessive activity, perhaps even hyperactivity syndrome or a desire to attract attention.

Be sure to try to get a more or less clear idea of ​​what motivates the child.

How can you help him?

1. Of course, calmly talk to the student about what is happening. And about what he was looking for under the table for so long. And why he likes to look out the window so much. And where did the pen go? Find out if the notebook is lost.

Key points:

Do not discuss the teacher’s actions with the child or in the presence of the child;

Find out what help he needs to behave differently;

Explain to your offspring how important it is for you that he receives an education. And this is no less important for any normal person;

Don't punish, beat, shame, or humiliate someone for being inattentive, distracted, or running around. If children feel loved and understood, they change for the better.

2. Of course, you need to meet and talk with the teacher.

Key points:

Don't start conversations in the staff room. Only one-on-one;

Don't make excuses, don't defend yourself, and don't attack. Listen and try to understand (use logic);

Don't take responsibility for what happens at school. A teacher, like a child, has his own level of responsibility;

Don't promise what you can't deliver;

Do not threaten the teacher and do not behave from a position of strength, nor do you humiliate yourself (a position of weakness).

In such conflict situations, try to speak on your own behalf, avoiding the pronouns “you” or “you”. Better: “I’m worried...”, “It’s hard for me to decide...”

Do you disagree with what the teacher says? Try using the following verbal tactics: “Of course, I understand... (that my child is far from a gift), but... (let’s look for a way out together).”

By the way, phrases like “Yes, but...” do not provoke the interlocutor to aggression and help to look for joint constructive solutions.

Listen to how you talk about parenting issues. Let’s say you often repeat the pronoun WE (about the child and about yourself). “We don’t want to study.” “Isn’t it better for us to move to another class?” This may be a sign that you are living your child's life more than your own. Therefore, it is difficult for you to adequately assess the conflict situation.

Should I transfer to another class or school?

Sometimes, in a protracted and intractable conflict, this seems the best way out. But there is one danger here. If we don't want to allow here and now difficult situation, and we run to another space, our unresolved past will drag behind us. After all, you can’t run away from yourself! There is a risk that this will happen again and again, and little man a habit of unfinished conflictual relationships will form.

If you can't cope on your own, that's okay. Look for someone who will help you: close, smart friends or specialists (psychologists, teachers). The world we live in consists of different people. Everyone I meet on life path we learn something.

Take care of each other!

If the boss makes our life completely unbearable, we can change jobs, or as a last resort quit and live poorly but happily. If a teacher makes a child’s life miserable, he has no choice, because he cannot refuse to come to school. The only thing he can do is turn to his parents for help. How can you help a child whose teacher is harassing him with nagging and comments?

First, we must try to understand what is behind the child’s complaints. Perhaps the teacher's complaints are justified, and the child is really very distracted, forgetful or lazy. Very often parents for a long time do not notice problems that catch the teacher's eye. If the teacher's behavior can truly be regarded as groundless nagging, it is important to communicate with the parents of other students. It's sad, but there is a chance that we're talking about just about the peculiar style of teaching, from which equally All students suffer. The chances of re-educating a teacher are very small, and, apparently, the main skill that a child will take away from these classes will not be knowledge of the subject, but the ability to adapt to different types superiors. Also, by the way, a very good skill...

If, after an initial investigation, it turns out that this is indeed a matter of nagging aimed strictly at one child, parents will have to take certain measures. First, you should talk to the teacher herself. Often, a detailed, calm conversation with an explanation of how hard the child perceives such an attitude and constant comments radically improves the situation.

At the same time, of course, it would be nice to try to find out what caused the teacher’s behavior. Very often, children whose knowledge is ahead of them become victims of unfounded claims. emotional development. These are smart, developed, well-read children, accustomed to amaze adults with their reasoning and cause constant delight. In the classroom, such children often speak without permission, argue with the teacher, insist on their own vision of the issue, putting the teacher in an awkward position, and sometimes simply disrupting the lesson. In this case, of course, it would be useful to teach the child the concepts of hierarchy, subordination social norms and etiquette.

If an attempt to resolve the situation directly fails, the only thing left to do is complain. First of all, you need to talk to class teacher, then with the school counselor (“yoetset”), and, if all this does not help, with the school principal. In many cases, a complaint and demonstration of a clear parental position is enough for the teacher to learn to control herself, even if a particular student irritates her in some way. In some cases, the situation is so hopeless that it is easier to talk to the school administration about transferring the student to another class.

Despite numerous innovations in education, many Russian schools The principle applies: “The teacher is always right!” On the one hand, this is justified: if we take into account the desires of all the children in the class, there will not be enough time for learning. On the other hand, it often leads to arbitrariness on the part of the teacher. How should parents behave in this situation? Psychologist Maria Baulina talks on Rambler/Family.

There is safety in numbers

Some parents believe that it is necessary to accustom the child to independent decision conflict situations and not interfere in his relationships with teachers. But most schoolchildren, especially primary schoolchildren, do not have sufficient diplomatic skills. Quite often, children not only cannot find an adequate solution to the problem, but also aggravate the conflict or stop defending their rights. Therefore, the task of parents is to point out by example how to get out difficult situation without damaging your psychological state. In addition, the active behavior of mom or dad equalizes the forces of the conflicting parties, since the student occupies a subordinate position and does not have the necessary freedom of maneuver. Seeing that parents prefer to stay away, the child feels helpless and lonely.

At the same time, when talking about conflicts with teachers, we must proceed from the fact that the teacher can be both right and wrong. Therefore, before putting on Superman’s cape and flying to save the offended child, you need to listen to the teacher’s position.

Conflict with teacher

You shouldn’t catch a teacher on the way to school or start a conversation about a child when you accidentally meet in a store. Try to follow the rules adopted at school and make an appointment with the teacher in advance.

Do not bring the child’s conflict with the teacher into public by raising the issue about it at parent meeting. Also try not to discuss the problem with other parents. Unfortunately, among them there may be “well-wishers” who will convey your words to the teacher in a distorted form, damaging your reputation. In addition, it is important that the child’s classmates do not find out about the details of the conflict in order to avoid gossip.

Do not start a conversation with the teacher with explicit or indirect accusations. It's better to start with a neutral phrase like: "I would like to know about my child's progress and behavior." If the teacher has any complaints, he will definitely express them.

Through the mouth of a baby

As a rule, in any conflict, the points of view of the parties differ greatly from each other. Moreover, this concerns not only ideas about who is right or wrong, but also about the content of claims. Children often formulate very uniquely the problems that arise in their relationship with the teacher. For example, a child may talk about how only “stars” can use colored pencils in math lessons, and this is the only way you will learn about the peculiar division of children in the class.

Many children, when assessing their relationship with a teacher, operate with the category of love. What can you do if every child wants the teacher to love him?! Therefore, when a student says that the teacher does not love him, it is important to understand whether the child means that the teacher does not show love (which is quite normal!) or shows disdain.

In order to prepare for a conversation with a teacher, try to collect as many more facts. For example, find in your child’s notebooks works that show C grades for several blots and no errors.

Child at school

When speaking with your teacher, try to remain dignified, no matter how hard it may take. Do not curry favor with the teacher, do not exaggerate your child’s guilt in order to reduce the intensity of passions. Don't be afraid that the teacher will “ruin the life” of your son or daughter. If a child’s rights are violated, it is necessary to make him feel comfortable at school. It's much more important task than the coveted A in Russian or English.

Even if your child’s knowledge barely corresponds to a C, this does not give the teacher the right to publicly call him a “stupid.”

When talking with a teacher, make sure that the conversation is based on specific facts, and not on his emotional assessment situations. Do not hesitate to clarify and ask again why the teacher made such conclusions about the student’s behavior.

Take into account not only the characteristics of the child’s actions, but also the nuances of the atmosphere of the educational institution: relationships in the classroom, the teacher’s teaching style. They may go against your views on life, but in this case It’s better to play on the opponent’s field and according to his rules.

If the teacher does not seem like a child-hater, seek help from him as a professional and experienced teacher. Ask a direct question: how does he see a successful way out of this situation and what advice can he give to you and your child?

If you can’t have a constructive conversation with your teacher, don’t be afraid to move on to other levels of problem solving. There is a school psychologist, head teacher, director, representatives of the education department, etc.

In some cases, moving to another class or school is not a defeat, but an opportunity to get rid of a whole bunch of problems at once.

Listen to the child

First, talk to your child. There is no need to quickly find out what the charges are and then go fight for justice. Do not give in to the momentary impulse to properly repay anyone who dared to offend your child. Find out whether the teacher’s nagging or dissatisfaction is really justified.

It's best to listen to examples specific situations, which the student must talk about taking into account all the circumstances. How he behaved, what he did when the teacher made comments. How classmates behaved, how the child responded to the teacher.

In addition to verbal accusations, you should try to find evidence of the teacher’s biased attitude. It is possible that in the student’s notebook there will be assignments that were clearly graded lower than they should have been.

It may very well be that in some situations the child himself provoked the teacher’s aggression. It is worth noting that The teacher has no right to insult or assault anyone under any circumstances.. But it is better if the parents explain to the student once and for all that it is impossible to piss off the teacher.

If a child admits that his behavior was far from decent, it is better to convince him not to do it again and apologize to the teacher. If, according to the student, he did not violate discipline and good manners, it’s time to talk to the teacher.

Conversation with the teacher

Find out in advance from the child the name and patronymic of the future interlocutor. Talking on the phone or on the way to school will not give the desired result. You need to go to school in person, you need to make an appointment in advance certain time and day.

Prepare your questions before the meeting. It is better if they are written down on a separate sheet of paper in legible handwriting. If a showdown makes you very nervous, it’s always good to have a note on hand that won’t let you forget something important.

When you come to a meeting, do not start the conversation with reproaches, much less threats. The simplest way to start a conversation is: “I would like to know about my child’s performance and behavior in your lessons.” If the teacher has complaints, he will express them himself. There is no need to be inflamed with a thirst for revenge when the teacher explains his position. Listen to everything, then ask if the other person has any suggestions that would change the situation.

If the teacher does not make contact, do not stoop to insults or open hostility. Say goodbye politely and leave. This is not a defeat at all. Now it's time to turn to outside observers.

Third party to the conflict

The class teacher can be involved as an independent judge. Ask him about the teacher. There are teachers who never praise or encourage anyone and speak harshly. This is part of the methodology that many teachers with extensive experience use. Then the child will need to be taught not only not to be rude, but also to be calm about what is happening. After all, a triple on one of the subjects has never killed anyone. In the event that the child turns out to be the only object dissatisfaction, you need to ask the class teacher to help understand the situation and influence a colleague. It would be useful to contact school psychologist so that he can evaluate what is happening from the point of view psychological health schoolboy. The joint influence of a parent, class teacher and psychologist can turn the situation into a peaceful direction.

But what if the class teacher is that same always nagging teacher?

In this case, it makes sense to talk with the school head teacher or the director of the educational institution. If it turns out that the teacher is really picking on the child completely unjustifiably, senior management can influence the subordinate and help resolve the conflict.

Common mistakes parents make

• The most basic mistake is to rush into battle without clarifying the circumstances. This is what unrestrained people do, for whom the conflict situation itself is more interesting than the method of resolving it. At first, parents know about the problem only from the child’s words. It makes sense to find out the position of the opposite side.
• There is no need to teach a child to defend his point of view without observing the rules of decency and respect towards the teacher. Yes, a student has every right to defend himself, but this must be done with restraint and without insults.
• There is no need to make this situation public knowledge. Having told the problem to the parents of your classmates, you may not notice the “well-wishers” who will convey your words to the teacher in a distorted form. Then this too will have to be sorted out. The child’s classmates also have no need to know that the student’s parents are taking action. This will give rise to a lot of gossip and rumors that children love to embellish.
• Sometimes parents believe that everyone should love their child. This has never happened and will never happen. Some people are pleasant, others are annoying, and others are annoying.
• The child, although he is already a schoolboy, still does not know how to make decisions competently and tactfully controversial issues with adults. You should not expect him to solve the problem on his own. You will either wait for the conflict to worsen or for serious depression and nervous breakdown from a schoolboy.
• A common fear is to make the teacher even more angry by trying to resolve the dispute. None of this will happen if the parent acts calmly, competently, carefully, but decisively. If you don’t insult or throw tantrums, no one will have a reason to take it out on the child.
• You need to understand the problem meticulously, without making hasty conclusions. If the child is still destined to study at this school, there is no need to make a scene after barely understanding the problem.

As a result

Tactful and polite communication will give the desired effect. Conflict with teacher can be resolved on our own without attracting other people. Most often, in such situations, teachers meet halfway.

For a child, studying at school is not only about gaining knowledge, but also about the experience of socialization in a group of peers and adults - teachers. Relationships between people are very multifaceted, so it is not surprising that a student may encounter negative manifestations from a teacher: pickiness or even hostility.

How to differentiate between prejudice and demandingness

Excessive demands are not always a manifestation of the teacher’s biased attitude

As a rule, parents learn about problems in the relationship between the teacher and their child from the lips of the child. And, of course, he brings his own ideas into the story. subjective assessments and emotions, often drawing the line: “She (he) doesn’t love me and is nagging.” It’s difficult for moms and dads to figure out in this situation whether this state of affairs is objective reality or the result of the student’s suspiciousness or imagination. In addition, many children perceive the teacher’s demandingness as a manifestation of a biased attitude. Therefore, it is very important for parents to get a correct picture of the existing relationship. To do this:

• talk to your child more often about topics related to school life, - this way it will become clear where the truth is and where the fantasy is;
• pay attention to the child’s performance in the subject taught by the teacher who is making complaints about your student (if the grades have dropped sharply, then work with the child or hire a tutor, then you can draw a conclusion about the objectivity of grading);
• visit the school, talk with teachers and the class teacher, but do this not “about”, but as a monitoring of progress (neither the child nor the teachers about true reasons visit to educational institution no need to know).

This way you will be able to understand what kind of relationship your student has with teachers and students. And also find out whether the teacher is really biased towards the child, or is simply demanding regarding the quality of knowledge.

How to psychologically adjust a child

Trust is the basis of a relationship with a child

Relationships between people are multifaceted, so it is not surprising that some people like them and others don’t. No exception interpersonal relationships teachers and students. A teacher is a person like everyone else, so he can have likes and dislikes. Some teachers like active curious students, some people like disciplined quiet people. Certainly, professional teacher knows how to hide his emotions, but sometimes exceptions happen. In this case, a conflict situation arises with three participants:

• student;
• teacher;
• parents of the student.

The task of the latter is to find a way out of the situation with minimal losses For emotional health emerging personality. Therefore, it is very important to correctly set up the child in this particular situation:

1. Tell your child how much you love him more often - the child should be sure that he is accepted and loved by those closest to him;
2. Explain that any child, even if he is still small, is also a person, and no one has the right to insult, ridicule or humiliate him;
3. Analyze the conflict situation with maximum objectivity - regardless of who was wrong, explain to the offspring why such behavior is unacceptable;
4. Try, together with your child, to outline a strategy for behavior in case the teacher finds fault or allows insults;
5. Outline a plan for further joint action(conversation with the teacher, director, moving to another class or school) to resolve the current situation.

How can you get rid of prejudice?

Parents should communicate with teachers regularly

Nagging and prejudice on the part of the teacher, as a rule, do not go away on their own, so parents need to take active measures to resolve the conflict. There are several ways:

• open conversation with the teacher;
• conversation with representatives of the administration (director, head teachers);
• transferring a student to another class or school;
• public coverage of the problem in the media.

Let's look at each of them. The simplest and the right way out- conversation with the teacher. Having determined the reasons why the teacher disliked the child, you can find a joint way out of the problem. conflict situation. We’ll dwell on how to properly plan a conversation with a teacher a little later.

If the teacher does not agree to a conversation or does not consider it necessary to change his attitude towards the child, then you should contact the director or head teachers - perhaps they will have more compelling arguments persuading the teacher to reconsider his behavior.

This is interesting! Every year, about 20% of children transfer to other schools due to nagging from teachers.

When the conflict has gone on for too long and the teacher’s attitude has a negative impact on the psychological and emotional state schoolchild, it makes sense to transfer the child to another class or school. However, you should not see this method as a panacea for any difficulties - in your child’s life there will be many meetings with uncomfortable or conflicting people, so it is not recommended to create greenhouse conditions in childhood.

If the teacher not only allows himself to publicly insult, but also uses physical strength against a child, and there is confirmation of this, then such blatant violations of children’s rights should be covered in the media mass media with the involvement of social services and law enforcement agencies.

How to build a conversation with a teacher correctly

Peaceful resolution of the conflict - main goal conversation with the teacher

Knowing about the problem in the relationship between a student and a teacher only from a child, it is impossible to form a complete opinion about the reasons for the nagging on the part of the teacher. Therefore, the best solution would be to talk to the teacher. However, for the conversation you need to prepare and conduct it in such a way as not to aggravate the situation. So, going to talk with the teacher:

1. Try to make an appointment in person, not through the school administration.
2. Select right time. It is best if it is after school, but not at the end of the working day.
3. It is advisable that the meeting take place one-on-one, but within the walls of the school ( best option- cabinet, serious conversations in the corridor - taboo).
4. Try to make it clear to the teacher that you are not going to incriminate or accuse him of anything.
5. Start the conversation by stating the desired outcome (“I would like our conversation to lead to positive changes in my relationship with my son/daughter").
6. Be sure to stipulate the fact that you recognize some of your child’s shortcomings, and gently guide the conversation towards the recognition that everyone has the right to make a mistake (in case your child is really guilty of something).
7. Next, you should directly ask the question about the reasons for your child’s dissatisfaction. Perhaps in this way the teacher “takes revenge” for some actions towards him on the part of the student (for example, insult).
8. Depending on the answer received, the conversation can go in two directions: mutual understanding and recognition on the part of the teacher of his mistakes, or anger due to your attempt to convict the teacher of an unprofessional attitude towards children.
9. In any case, you need to end the conversation by thanking them for their time.

Depending on what results you can achieve by talking with the teacher, it will be easier to outline a plan for further action.