What to say to a friend when he feels bad. How to calm and cheer up a crying person? What can I say?

In the article you will learn:

Greetings readers.

Death is an unpleasant formality, but all candidates are accepted ©.

What should those who remain on this side do? And how can we help them? In this article you will learn how to calm someone who has lost a loved one. After all, it's not easy. Death can be unexpected or painful, and this makes it more acutely experienced.

Is it possible to calm a person who has lost a loved one?

In addition, the severity of the pain from loss depends on the relationship the person had with the deceased. If the relationship was good, then the process of “burning out,” as psychologists call it, is easier, faster and normal.

If the relationship was bad, filled with quarrels, resentments or understatement, then over time violations may form, for example, a feeling of guilt. The grieving person will suffer more and suffer more, and therefore the loss will be so painful that it will leave psychological trauma.

Therefore, the support of friends, family and colleagues is more important than ever. You cannot calm a person down, but you can alleviate his condition with the right words and actions.

Stages of Grief

To make it more clear how to do this, I will tell you what happens to someone who has lost a loved one, starting from the moment he learned about death. This whole process lasts differently. For some it is faster, for others it is slower, but on average it is about a year and is divided into periods:

1. Shock
2. Denial.
3. Awareness.
4. Mourning.

Shock

Shock begins with the news of death and lasts from several minutes to several days. The main emotions experienced now are surprise and stunned. This is explained by the fact that the mind of a person who has lost a loved one is in a state of numbness and does not believe what happened. Therefore, to help him and calm him down, stick to following rules:

1. Don't create a fuss by trying to distract by talking. Listen more. Speak when people start talking to you.
2. Tell the truth and communicate well. For example, there are often such complaints: “Why don’t I feel anything now? I loved her!” Explain what it is normal reaction, because consciousness is in at the moment does not accept an event that is unpleasant for him. Tell them that it will pass and then it will hurt. It is important to survive this pain and then, over time, other feelings will come to replace it, for example, “light sadness.”
3. What phrases should you not say now: “everything will pass,” “don’t worry,” “calm down,” “you’ll meet someone else,” “everything will work out,” etc. Since the mind denies the death of a loved one, your words will be offensive and incomprehensible. They will only call negative reaction.

Negation

Denial lasts up to 3-4 weeks. This is the phase when a person’s brain, not believing what is happening, looks for the deceased. You can hear his steps in the house, it seems that he is about to call or say something. Memories often replay that it seems like he is alive and well. Faces similar to him flash in the crowd...

Right now it's important to just stay close. Because, as a rule, by this time most of the sympathizers have returned to their ordinary life. And the person is left alone with his grief. Therefore, the feeling of loneliness is experienced most acutely now.

Another important and significant point. In connection with death, many organizational issues arise and it happens that more resilient family members take on these troubles. In fact, the one who worries the most should be involved in resolving these issues as often as possible.

And here's why. Firstly, active work promotes the process of awareness. And secondly, it becomes easier for a person because he is in last time does something for his loved one. Therefore, make them deal with funerals, wakes, and arranging future affairs as much as possible.

Awareness

Awareness that lasts up to 7 weeks. The psyche gradually realizes what happened and accepts the fact of the event. This is the most important stage and the most difficult. Important because without it it is impossible to return to normal life. Difficult, because pain and suffering, from the realization of what happened, become excruciating.

The person is in constant apathy, bad mood, tearfulness. My soul hurts and cries. But as psychologists say, you need to “burn out” your misfortune and loss. Otherwise, unexpressed emotions can sit deep and for a long time, causing mental disorders. Instead of healing, guilt, anger or resentment will appear.
Therefore, you can help calm down by continuing to be there. However, everyone’s reactions are different and they may distance themselves from you, close you down as if in a shell, and may even become aggressive. Your task is not to get into the soul, but to delicately and carefully support.

Talk about how you are there and will be there as long as needed. If it is not possible to support physical contact, call as often as possible, carefully take an interest in matters. If they answer you, then ask more questions.

Mourning

Final stage– mourning and adaptation to life without a deceased beloved relative or friend. Here the emotions gradually subside and turn into “light sadness” or “quiet sadness.”

Some people have a desire to talk about the deceased more often. This will especially happen on holidays and days when everyone was together and alive. Don't distance yourself, but maintain these conversations, memories, viewing photos or things.

In a year, a person will live through all the events alone, without a lost loved one, and he will feel calmer and easier. Now is the time to support with words like “Hold on!”, “You can do it!”, “You are strong!”, “Everything will be fine,” etc.

Is it worth changing the situation?

In these difficult times Thoughts may arise: “shouldn’t we change the situation.” For example, move to another place of residence or change position, leave the usual. This is not recommended. Gently explain what is not right now best time For this, you need to properly prepare and think about everything.

Refrain from making a hasty decision, since now the consciousness is in an altered state and is not able to take adequate steps. Especially if it concerns such important events, like the birth of another child or a new marriage.

When is it time to contact a specialist?

Whatever happens in the year and a half while grief is being experienced, this is considered the norm. Depression, apathy, rage, anger, increased irritability and even active aggression. The difference in reactions is explained by differences in temperament, character, behavioral habits, values, etc.

There may be deterioration in work and relationships with other people. During this period, you should not rush and suggest that it’s time to stop suffering, you need to return to old life. Everyone's deadline is different.

However, if such changes persist for more than two years, then psycho-emotional disorders are occurring, and in this case I recommend contacting professional psychologist or a psychotherapist.

Comforting an upset friend can be quite difficult. When trying to reassure, you may feel as if you are constantly saying the wrong thing and making the situation difficult. So how can you calm down an upset friend and make them feel better? Just follow these steps.

Steps

Part 1

1. Show your friend some affection. 99% of the time your friend would like to be hugged, with a hand placed on his or her shoulder, or a gentle pat on the arm. Most people love affection, it makes them feel comforted and not alone. If your friend is so upset that he refuses to be touched, then this is a special case, but you can almost always begin to comfort your friend by showing him your affection. Your friend may be too upset to start talking right away, and these small gestures can have an impact great value to make your friend feel less lonely.

   • Feel it. If you touch your friend and he moves closer instead of moving away from you, then you are on the right track.

2. Just listen. The next thing you can do is offer your friend a kind ear. Set up eye contact, nod occasionally and make comments when necessary while your friend speaks. But mostly, let your friend express himself and pour out everything he has in his chest. This is not the time for you to show your opinions or talk a lot. This is the time to let your friend explain whatever is bothering him and get best performance about the situation. Some problems cannot be solved, but he may feel less tragic if there is someone in the area who will relate to his predicament.

   • If your friend talks a little, you can ask, “Do you want to talk?” Then clarify the situation. Perhaps your friend wants to talk and needs a little nudge, or he or she is just really upset and can't talk yet, which means all you need is just to be there.
   • You can throw in little comments like "This must be so hard" or "I can't imagine what you're going through," but don't overdo it.

3. Make your friend feel more comfortable. Perhaps your friend is shaking as if in the rain. Hug him and wrap him in a blanket. He may have been crying for an hour. Give him some tissues and some Advil. Perhaps your friend stood up while talking about how upset he was about carrying a heavy backpack. Put him in jail. If your friend is a little irritated, pour her or him some chamomile tea. If your friend has been up all night worrying, put him to bed. The idea will come to you.

   • Your friend may be so upset that he or she doesn't care about his or her health or comfort. This is where you come to the rescue.
   • Don't assume that your friend will feel better if you open a bottle of wine or bring a six-pack of beer. Alcohol is NEVER an option when your friend is upset. Remember that it only acts as a depressant.

4. Don't minimize your friend's problems. Your friend may be upset for many reasons. Serious reason: Your friend just found out that his grandmother is in the hospital. Not serious problem: Your friend just broke up with her boyfriend after being together for 6 months. However, even if you know that, objectively, your friend will soon get over it, or that it won't big reason for worries, this is not the time to learn about the perspective of things unless you want to be overwhelmed by your friend.

   • First, you must take your friend's problems seriously. If your friend is moping about a short-term breakup for too long, you can help him get over it later.
   • Avoid making comments such as “It's not the end of the world,” “You'll get through this,” or “It's not really big problem" Obviously your friend is upset because this is a big problem for him or her.

5. Don't give unnecessary advice. This is another thing to avoid at all costs. Until your friend turns to you and says, “What do you think I should do?”, you should not jump out and offer your friend a high five. best options for action, in your humble opinion. It will come across as condescending, as if you think your friend's problems can be easily solved. Until your friend looks at you with doe eyes and says, “I don't know what to do...”, give him time before giving your advice.

   • You can simply say "You should rest a little" or "Drink some chamomile tea and you'll feel much better" to offer your friend some comfort. But don't say things like "I think you should call Bill right now and sort things out" or "I think you should contact high school now,” otherwise your friend will simply be overwhelmed and annoyed.

6. Don't say you understand everything. This is another way to quickly make your friend irritated. Unless you've been in an identical situation once, you can't say, “I know exactly how you feel...” because your friend will immediately shout, “It's not the same!” Upset people want to be heard, but not to hear that their problems are similar to others. So, if your friend is upset over a big breakup and you've been going through the same issues too, you can talk about it. But don't compare your three-month relationship to your friend's three-year relationship, otherwise you'll only end up hurting yourself.

   • Say “I can’t imagine how you feel” rather than “I know exactly what you’re going through...”
   • Of course, it can be comforting for your friend to know that someone else has been through it too. similar situation and survived, but if this is not the case, then be careful with phrases.
   • Comparing yourself to your friend is problematic because you may end up talking nonsense without even knowing what you're doing.

7. Be aware of when your friend wants to be left alone. Unfortunately, not everyone who is upset wants support and a kind ear. Some people deal with problems in private, and some people may want to be left alone after talking about a problem. If this is the case with your friend, don't stay if he doesn't want to. If your friend says he or she wants to be alone, that's probably what it means.

   • If you think your friend might do something to himself, then you need to stay and prevent it, but if your friend is just upset but not devastated, then maybe he just needs time to move away.

8. Ask how you can help. After you and your friend have talked, ask your friend what you can do to improve the situation. Perhaps there is specific solution, and you can help fix it, for example, if your friend failed his math class and you are good with numbers and can teach him. Sometimes, no good decision, but then you can take your friend for a ride and spend more time with him if he's going through a difficult breakup, or let your friend stay with you for a while.

   • Even if you really can't do anything other than be there, simply asking what you can do will help your friend feel like he or she is not alone and that there is someone there for him or her.
   • If your friend thinks that you are doing too much for her or him, remind your friend of the times when he or she was with you at a time when you really needed it. That's what friends are for, isn't it?

   Part 2

   Do your best

   1. Make your friend laugh if the problem is not too serious. If your friend is not suffering from a significant loss, then you can cheer him or her up by making a joke or acting like a fool. If you try to make your friend laugh too early, it probably won't work, but if you wait a little and then start making your friend laugh through laughter, it will pay off big. Laughter indeed best medicine, and if you can make a joke out of a non-offensive situation or just make fun of yourself to get your friend's attention, these actions will provide temporary relief.

      • Of course, if your friend is very upset, humor is not the best best choice for you.

   2. Distract your friend. The next thing you can do when your friend is upset is to try to keep him as occupied as possible. However, you shouldn't drag your friend to clubs or invite him to a huge party where everyone is dressed as their favorite superhero, you should show up to your friend's house with a movie and a big bag of popcorn, or invite him for a walk. When you distract your friend, some of the pain will go away, even if your friend initially resists. You don't need to push your friend too hard, but know that they need a little pushing.

      • Your friend should say something like, “I don't want to have fun, I just want to be the biggest bore...” and you can say, “That's funny! I love having fun with you no matter what.”
      • Perhaps your friend will spend time in his cavernous room. Just get him or her out of the house for fresh air, even if you just take a walk down the street to a cafe, it will benefit him physically and mentally.

   3. Do something useful for your friend. If your friend is really upset, then it is likely that he or she is neglecting his or her responsibilities or homework. And then you appear. If your friend forgot to eat, bring him lunch or go and cook dinner. If your friend hasn't done his laundry in two months, bring some detergent. If your friend's house is an absolute mess, offer to help him clean up. Bring your friend's mail. If he or she stays home and does not go to school, then bring homework. These little things may not seem big things, when your friend is incredibly upset, but they step up to help.

      • Your friend may say that he doesn't need your help and that you've done enough already, but you should insist that you want to help, at least on the surface.

   4. Check on your friend. Unless you and your friend have identical schedules, you will inevitably spend some time without each other. But if you know your friend is really upset, then you can't walk away from the situation completely. You should call your friend, text her or him, or check in from time to time to see what your friend is doing. Since you don't want to annoy your friend and text him, "Are you okay?" every three seconds, you need to check on your friend at least once or twice a day if you know that he is going through a difficult moment.

      • You shouldn't say, "I'm just calling to see what you're doing." You can be sneaky if you want and come up with an excuse like whether your friend has seen your brown coat and then end up asking him to dinner. You don't want your friend to feel like you're babying him or her.

   5. Just be there. Often, this is the most important thing you can do when comforting a friend. In rare cases, you can solve a friend's problem, or even more so, find best solution. Sometimes your friend must wait or go through the problem on their own. But now most of You can be a shoulder for your friend to cry on, a comforting voice to hear in the middle of the night if your friend really needs to talk, and a source of goodness, reason, and comfort. Don't feel inadequate if all you can do is just be there for your friend.

      • Tell your friend that no matter what the problem is, it will improve with time. This is reality, even if it is not immediately perceptible.
      • Make an effort to clear your schedule and devote more time to your friend. He or she will be very grateful to you for the efforts you have made to make him or her feel better.
   • Offer to help your friend if he or she has been hurt. If you come to school with him and see that he is being bullied, grab his hand and hug him. Protect him. Tell him to come with you. Even if you only friend, which he has, always protect it like no one else can.
   • Hug your friend and tell him that you love him and that you are always there for him.
   • If your friend doesn't want to talk at first, don't call or bother him! Allow him or her to be alone for a while before you talk to her or him about the problem. Ultimately, he or she will come to you when they are ready to talk and do things better.
   • Know when your friend is upset or when he just needs attention. If he acts upset all day around you and refuses to say what's wrong, then he's just looking for attention. If he's really upset, he won't show it too much and will eventually tell someone what the problem is.
   • Take your friend out to eat or take a walk in the park! Do whatever you can to divert his attention from what happened and keep him entertained!

   Warnings

   • If you are the reason your friend is upset, do what you can and apologize! No matter what happened, or who said what, or who did what, is it worth breaking a friendship over it? And if he doesn't accept your apology... think about the fact that you hurt and offended him. Give him time and space to move on from it and maybe he will come or call you!
   • Don't force him to tell you what's wrong if he's in a bad mood or doesn't want to talk at all!
   • Never pass on yourself. If your friend says he's tired of being pestered by the school bully, don't say, "It's not as bad as last year when... (and then proceed to tell a story about yourself)." Offer to solve his problem. He is open to you, so show him your compassion!
   • Say something kind, like “I love you, no matter what you look like, no matter what you do, no matter who you are.”

We all know how difficult it is to be in a situation where you need to comfort someone, and the right words is not located.

Fortunately, most often people do not expect specific advice from us. It is important for them to feel that someone understands them, that they are not alone. So first, just describe how you feel. For example, using the following phrases: “I know that it’s very difficult for you now,” “I’m sorry that it’s so difficult for you.” This way you will make it clear that you really see what it’s like for your loved one right now.

2. Confirm that you understand these feelings.

But be careful, don’t draw all the attention to yourself, don’t try to prove that it was even worse for you. Briefly mention that you have been in a similar position before, and ask more about the condition of the person you are comforting.

3. Help your loved one understand the problem

Even if a person is looking for ways to resolve a difficult situation, first he just needs to talk it out. This especially applies to women.

So wait to offer solutions to the problem and listen. This will help the person you are comforting understand their feelings. After all, sometimes it is easier to understand your own experiences by telling others about them. By answering your questions, the interlocutor can find some solutions himself, understand that everything is not as bad as it seems, and simply feel relieved.

Here are some phrases and questions that can be used in this case:

• Tell me what happened.
• Tell me what's bothering you.
• What led to this?
• Help me understand how you feel.
• What scares you the most?

At the same time, try to avoid questions with the word “why”; they are too similar to judgment and will only anger the interlocutor.

4. Do not minimize the suffering of your interlocutor and do not try to make him laugh.

When we face tears loved one, we, quite naturally, want to cheer him up or convince him that his problems are not so terrible. But what seems trivial to us can often upset others. So don't minimize another person's suffering.

What if someone is really worried about a trifle? Ask if there is any information that conflicts with his view of the situation. Then offer your opinion and share an alternative way out. It is very important here to clarify whether they want to hear your opinion, otherwise it may seem too aggressive.

5. Offer physical support if appropriate.

Sometimes people don’t want to talk at all, they just need to feel that there is a loved one nearby. In such cases, it is not always easy to decide how to behave.

Your actions should correspond to your usual behavior with a particular person. If you are not too close, putting your hand on your shoulder or giving him a light hug will suffice. Also look at the behavior of the other person, perhaps he himself will make it clear what he needs.

Remember that you should not be too zealous when you console: your partner may take it for flirting and be offended.

6. Suggest ways to solve the problem

If a person only needs your support and not specific advice, the above steps may be sufficient. By sharing your experiences, your interlocutor will feel relieved.

Ask if there is anything else you can do. If the conversation takes place in the evening, and most often this happens, suggest going to bed. As you know, the morning is wiser than the evening.

If your advice is needed, ask first if the interlocutor himself has any ideas. Decisions are made more readily when they come from someone who is themselves in a controversial situation. If the person you are comforting is unclear about what can be done in their situation, help develop concrete steps. If he doesn’t know what to do at all, offer your options.

If a person is sad not because of a specific event, but because he has a problem, immediately move on to a discussion concrete actions that can help. Or suggest doing something, like going for a walk together. Unnecessary thinking will not only not help get rid of depression, but, on the contrary, will aggravate it.

7. Promise to continue to support

At the end of the conversation, be sure to mention again that you understand how difficult it is for your loved one right now, and that you are ready to continue to support him in everything.

Sometimes even the most strong personality experiences the most negative range of feelings, and desperately needs the support of a loved one. Moreover, psychologists have long proven that under the “shell” external force and fearlessness hide sensitive, vulnerable and vulnerable souls. Often, each of us is faced with a simple and banal question - how to calm a person who has experienced a personal tragedy?

Why is it so hard to find the right words?

It would seem that the easiest way is to put your “vest” up for tears, pat you on the head and say something trivial, like “you need to move on with your life”. But at such moments, most people simply cannot even pick up the right words expressing their participation.

Methods to help comfort a friend in difficult times life situation, are very extensive, but not all of them work. Moreover, some of them are capable of giving reverse effect. This is especially true for consoling a person who does not tolerate self-pity.

Your friend, friend or colleague has a misfortune, and you want to support him, but you have no idea how to do it correctly? Psychological methods, aimed at calming a person, are built on the principle of empathy, compassion and awareness of his problem in all phases of development.

They are quite simple, but very subtle, and it is important to balance on the brink of participation and neutrality at the same time. It is absolutely impossible to calm the nerves of a person who is hysterical by shouting and calling "cool your ardor".

The key rule of effective emotional help is to find the golden mean in your own efforts.

Phases of human suffering

If you are determined to return to someone peace of mind, it will be useful for you to become familiar with the phases of experience in which a person resides:

• Shock. This phase is the shortest and can last from a few seconds to several weeks. At this time, the victim stubbornly refuses to accept what is happening, does not believe in the tragedy or grief that has occurred, and refuses to accept the previous event. It is characterized by physical inactivity with periodic bursts of hyperactivity, insomnia, disorders eating behavior. At this moment it is extremely difficult to influence a person in an attempt to restore mental harmony to him;
• Suffering. This period may last 5-7 weeks. If it is associated with the loss of a loved one, the sufferer begins to deify and idealize the deceased, or vice versa. Physiologically, this phase is distinguished by the presence of digestive disorders. A person becomes lethargic, apathetic and absent-minded, his concentration is weakened and intellectual ability. He increasingly feels anxious and wants to retire. At this stage, your help is extremely important, even if it is expressed in ordinary words;
• Acceptance. This stage occurs only a year after the loss of a loved one or a tragedy. Now a person can plan his own affairs and goals taking into account the loss, and suffering fades into the background, although attacks still occur;
• Humility. The recovery part begins 1-1.5 years after the incident. The feeling of painful grief in a person’s soul is replaced by light sadness, more calm attitude, but not without fond memories.

What if everything is left to chance?

Before thinking about how to calm a person who has recently lost a loved one, you probably caught yourself thinking - is it worth doing this at all? Of course, this is an absolutely necessary measure. In the absence of basic support, a person can acquire a lot of chronic diseases, in particular those related to the cardiovascular system.

Especially weak personalities may develop alcoholism, drug addiction or depression. A certain percentage take their own lives. Being depressed and distracted, a suffering person can provoke anxiety special case with your participation.

How many misunderstood people get run over by cars and get into car accidents every day!

Be sure to interact with the person, constantly maintain contact and communication with him. Even if now he rejects your help, rest assured that over time, he will remember all your kindness shown towards him in a difficult and difficult moment for him.

How to calm a person who is crying now? Here it is extremely important tactile sensations. Hug him, sincerely and tightly, demonstrate to him with your body language that there is someone next to him who is ready to protect him.

What words support and reassure a person who is in acute phase shock?

• Talk about the deceased or departed only in the past tense;
• If your “ward” lost a loved one whom you knew, remember something good about him;
• Say that the deceased would be happy if his loved one stopped crying and began to enjoy life further;
• Mention that even if physical body died, the soul is immortal and always remains nearby. And it hurts her because the one being sedated is killed in this way;
• Listen more. Even if a person speaks confusingly and tongue-tied, constantly repeats himself, loses the thread of the conversation, clarify the details of his story, sincerely try to understand what he wants to convey to you. Talk about how well you understand him. Give him the opportunity to verbally express his pain, and you will see that he will immediately feel a little better;
• Refrain from advice to “unwind” and other stupid, inappropriate recommendations. Don't advise anything at all.

What's inappropriate?

Refrain from the following phrases and statements:

1. “Everything is God’s will”(this is only suitable to reassure deeply religious people);
2. “Be strong, you are strong, you can withstand everything”– this option can immerse a person even more in his experiences and make him feel extremely lonely;
3. “This is an irreparable loss”, "Time is the best healer"- expressions that are absolutely inappropriate in in this case;
4. “You are young and beautiful, you will find a hundred others just like you, you will give birth to children.”- such words can not only offend the victim, but also cause justified aggression in her. She experiences pain here and now, and she is offered to indulge in ghostly fantasies;
5. "Finally tired of it" “He feels good in heaven” – similar expressions can seriously injure a person, because they hint that it is time to completely forget about what happened, which is a priori impossible;
6. “If only you had followed”, “If it weren’t for the unfortunate doctors”, “If only the ambulance had arrived earlier”- all these phrases only intensify the bitterness of loss, besides, the current situation does not tolerate the subjunctive mood.

Try not only with words, but also with actions to lift the person’s mood, showing your attention to his person in every possible way.

How to extinguish sudden outbreaks?

If your friend has had too much alcohol, he may also need to be brought back to his senses. Calming a drunk, and especially an aggressive one, is not only difficult, but also dangerous. But this is also necessary, because at the moment of alcohol intoxication a person is not able to control his actions and actions.

How to calm an aggressive drunk person?

1. Agree with everything he says, as long as it does not go beyond the law;
2. Try to subtly shame the violent one, but do not resort to reproaches or showdown;
3. Infect him with your power - do not say too much, behave peacefully, quietly and calmly;
4. Pour ice water over it;
5. Ignore him. Just pretend to be asleep if possible. If you a person will disappear the opportunity to play a one-man show, he will simply become uninterested in continuing to go on a rampage.

How to calm someone down

Hearing

The main thing is to be sure to let the person speak out. There is no need to be afraid of the flow of revelations and to panic: no one demands vigorous activity from you and immediate decision all problems. It is also better to leave questions, advice and universal wisdom for later: at this stage, a person just needs to know that he is not alone, that he is heard, and they sincerely sympathize with him.

Listening does not mean standing still like a statue and remaining silent until the very end of the monologue. This behavior is more like indifference. It is possible and even necessary to show “signs of life” in order to console a loved one: say “Yes”, “I understand you”, sometimes repeat words or phrases that seemed key - all this will show that you really care. And at the same time it will help you collect your thoughts: both for your interlocutor and, by the way, for yourself.

It's a gesture

There is a simple set of gestures to help sympathizers. An open posture (without arms crossed on the chest), a slightly bowed head (preferably at the same level as the head of the person you are listening to), understanding nods, an approving chuckle in time with the conversation and open palms are subconsciously perceived as a sign of attention and participation. When we're talking about about a loved one with whom you are accustomed to maintaining physical contact, soothing touches and stroking will not hurt. If the speaker becomes hysterical, and this also happens quite often, then one of the options to calm him down is to hug him tightly. With this you seem to tell him: I am near, I accept you, you are safe.

WITH unfamiliar people It’s better not to experiment with physical contact: firstly, you yourself may feel awkward; secondly, such behavior may turn off a person with a strict personal space. You should also be very careful if you are facing a victim of physical violence.

No change

Many of us believe that we should not dwell on stress. “Pull yourself together!”, “Find a reason for joy” - here standard set phrases that the culture of global positivity and lightness of being drives into our heads. Alas, all these attitudes in 90 cases out of 100 have the opposite effect and do not help at all to console a person with words. Having firmly believed that we must look for the positive in everything, we learn not to work on the problem, but to overwhelm it with a mass of conditionally positive experiences. As a result, the problem does not disappear anywhere, and it becomes more and more difficult to return to it and try to solve it every day.

If a person constantly returns to the same topic, then stress is still making itself felt. Let him talk as much as necessary (provided that you can handle this process yourself). Do you see how it has become easier? Great. You can slowly change the topic.

If specifically

What words can you use to comfort someone? Often, someone in trouble feels like a social outcast - it seems to him that his misfortunes are unique and no one cares about his experiences. The phrase “Is there anything I can do to help?” It seems banal and insipid, but nevertheless it shows your willingness to share the problem and be in the same boat with the victim. And it’s even better to offer something specific: “Do you want me to come to you right now and we’ll discuss everything?”, “Dictate the list of what you need - I’ll bring it within a day,” “Now I’ll call all the lawyers I know (doctors, psychologists), maybe What will they advise” or simply “Come any time.” And even if the answer is an irritated grumbling in the style of “No need, I’ll figure it out myself,” the very desire to help will have a positive effect.

Help should only be offered if you are really ready for heroic deeds, wasting time, money and emotions. Don’t overestimate your strengths, promising what you can’t do will only make things worse in the end.

Under supervision

Assurances like “Don’t touch me, leave me alone, I want to be alone” often indicate not so much a desire to cope with the situation alone, but rather an excessive obsession with the problem and, unfortunately, a state close to panic. Therefore, it is strictly not recommended to leave it alone for a long time. Unless for an extremely limited period of time, while being nearby and keeping your finger on the pulse.

Often the mood to “withdraw into oneself” provokes excessive curiosity of others, sometimes not even close ones at all, their excessive pity, and patronizing attitude. Nobody likes it. Therefore, when you see someone in front of you in exactly this state, you should moderate the level of your feelings and sympathy (at least externally) and make it clear that you are not going to teach him about life or put pressure on him with authority, but at the same time you sincerely want to help.

He, she

We are accustomed to believing that a woman is an emotionally unstable creature and is always prone to a hysterical reaction, while a man is strong and resilient by default, and therefore is able to cope with stress alone. However, this is not entirely true.

Recent research by scientists shows that a socially isolated man tolerates stress much worse than a woman left to her own devices: he is more prone to withdrawal and depression (and girls even have an increased immunity in force majeure situations!). And the problem that we, emotional ones, will experience and still forget, can torment us for a long time male brain. Psychologists believe that such a protracted reaction is a consequence of the fact that boys are taught from childhood to remain silent and pay more attention to their reputation than to their state of psychological comfort.

A man needs consolation, but it will be brought by actions rather than words. How to console a loved one? Your arrival, a delicious dinner, an unobtrusive attempt to stir things up will work much better than verbal confessions. In addition, the active behavior of someone nearby brings men to their senses. And also make it clear that it won’t hurt him to speak out and you don’t see anything wrong with it.

Rescue those who help

Sometimes we get so carried away with saving drowning people that it becomes obsession. Which, by the way, is what the victim himself indulges in: having gotten used to your readiness to listen, he, without realizing it, turns into your personal energy vampire and begins to reset everything negative emotions on your fragile shoulders. If this goes on for too long, you will soon need help yourself.

By the way, for some people the opportunity to help someone turns into a way to get away from own problems. This should absolutely not be allowed - sooner or later there is a risk of a full-fledged nervous breakdown.

If after long and, as it seems to you, therapeutic conversations, you feel like a lemon, fatigue, sleep disturbances, and irritability appear - you should slow down a little. In such a state, you are unlikely to help anyone, but you can easily harm yourself.

Depression

We like to use the diagnosis “depression” with or without reason. And although only a specialist can diagnose this disease, there are still general signs that, if manifested, require urgent seeking of qualified help. This:

Apathy, sadness, prevalence of bad mood;

Loss of strength, motor retardation or, conversely, nervous fussiness;

Slowing down of speech, long pauses, freezing in place;

Decreased concentration;

Loss of interest in habitually joyful things and events;

Loss of appetite;

Insomnia;

Decreased sexual desire.

At least a couple of the symptoms listed above - and you really should find a good psychotherapist for the victim.

Text: Daria Zelentsova