“Only after giving birth did I find out who I married” - most people start with this phrase sad stories about divorces broken hearts and abandoned children. How to choose a man once and for life? Is it possible to recognize the potential of a good father even on the first dates? What should modern good father? We decided to ask men, not women, about all this and much more. Those who, in our opinion, can be called super dads.
Spoon for dad!
Our hero today is Nikolai Dmitriev. We learned that he is a super dad from the Instagram of his wife, popular blogger Victoria Dmitrieva. She actively and happily tells her subscribers that she and her husband are a team, and that changing a diaper is not a feat for which a man should have a monument erected in the middle of the room, but something normal and taken for granted. It was by reading Vika’s blog with examples from her and Nikolai family life, we conceived this special project.
During a personal meeting with Nikolai, we heard a man’s point of view, which not only did not contradict the stories of his wife, but also made me cry a couple of times. Big and strong man, who loves his children and talks so heartfelt about his fatherhood - it’s very touching.
SUPERDAD with his youngest son
Nikolay Dmitriev
- Age – 33 years.
Sons:
Dima – 5 years, Leva – 4 years, Tikhon – 10 months
Scope of activity: investment consulting and educational projects(NTP Directorate, Skolkovo Foundation, IIDF, Vita Ventures, School of Adequate Parents)
- Worst memory... when the eldest son fell headfirst from the sofa
- Most of all I'm afraid...to lose children. Sometimes at night I “catch” them in my sleep
- The most great feeling tenderness... when the son says “dad” and hugs and kisses
- The hardest thing… support established boundaries and punish if the rules are not followed
- It turned out to be easiest...financing children. The topic with huge amounts of money for children is overheated and is not such, children require almost no expenses or it turned out to be easier than I expected
- Favorite joint activity with children… trips. Children are happy about everything - and you, following them, begin to notice many things that you yourself would not pay attention to.
Love equation: VIKA + KOLYA = DIMA + LEVA + TIKHON
I remember my own childhood from the moment when my mother and I walked hand in hand through the park to the kindergarten. She asked me: “What do you want to become?” I replied that I wanted to become the Chief. The main thing, exactly, I couldn’t answer. But I remember for sure that during kindergarten, I saw “becoming the boss” as my main goal for the future.
In kindergarten, there was a bully in my group, a big guy leader who offended everyone - including me. I then decided to turn to my dad and asked how to defend myself. Dad started teaching me, showing me useful tricks. At that moment I experienced a very important feeling - that I had a rear. Got some defense mechanism for life, which now automatically works when it comes to my children. I immediately intervene and don’t let anyone hurt the kids. We try to raise children to be independent, but at the same time I think it is very important that from childhood they also have a sense of this rear, of protection that they can count on in their family.
At the same time, I myself was a rather wild child. I remember screaming at the whole park, with tears and sobs. In the summer, if it was noisy in the village, they joked that it was probably Nicholas being taken to the bathhouse. I threw these tantrums for manipulation; they didn’t always help achieve what I wanted, but I couldn’t cope with the situation any other way at the time. Now I recognize myself in my eldest son - he also reacts this way to certain moments, and I understand him better than all the family members, he and I seem to be cut from the same cloth in this sense.
IN school years I became much more conscious. Perhaps because I was born younger brother. Since then, I began to be considered an exemplary child. I studied mostly with straight A's and entered good university, not even one.
Nikolay Dmitriev: For a man, changing a diaper is not a feat, it’s just NORMAL. How could it be otherwise? This is your son!
Nikolay Dmitriev: For a man, changing his son’s diaper is not a feat, it’s just NORMAL. How could it be otherwise? This is your son!
BOYHOOD, YOUTH
In their youth, probably, few people think about getting married and having children. I didn’t have specific goals in the relationship, but I treated them responsibly. Initially, my criteria for choosing girls were the concepts of “beautiful”, “spectacular”, “bright”. This did not lead to good results because "to be with beautiful girl" is the wrong goal. At some point, I got tired of spreading myself thin, and I formulated several important points for myself as a man.
Firstly, I realized what I was looking for after all serious relationship, that is, I need a person with whom I want to develop a relationship and be together for a long time. Secondly, I thought about the fact that in a relationship we give a person our time, energy, soul and money. If we love, we invest in the relationship in a way that, if you think about it, we don’t invest in anything else. Which means future wife will be my main investment, and at the same time my partner for many years. I decided to approach the choice thoroughly and developed my own search test suitable girl. I had a separate file with questions that I asked myself when meeting. For example, do I want to wake up with this girl. I can’t explain what this feeling is made of, but it is understandable to any man. Just right away - with this one yes, but with this one no. Many candidates dropped out on this question. The second good filter was the question of whether I want this girl to be the mother of my children. There were girls who were suitable on all other points, but to this question I definitely answered myself - no. Again, let me explain for the readers - a man does not analyze the components, does not think “what if...” “what if,” “maybe under some circumstances.” He just knows exactly the answer from the first moments of communication.
Another important question was whether the girl and I had common values. It was difficult to get an answer to it quickly, because you need to talk with a person for a long time to understand what his worldview is. Ideally, the values should coincide. And I came to the conclusion that it is easier for people from the same country, region, city to live together for a long time. Many things are established in childhood and shaped by the environment. It's not that someone is better or worse. It's just easier to get along if you both consider the same things to be the norm, rather than endlessly proving something to each other. One of my Muscovite friends married a Spanish woman. During the period of acquaintance, they were attracted to each other by interest, mutually admired by their differences. After 10 years, the very things that initially attracted them began to strain them in each other.
Of course, there was an emotional indicator when dating, too, but I was choosing a person to live together for a long time, and it is impossible to make such a responsible choice on emotions alone. Here it is useful to be pragmatic at the beginning, so as not to ruin your life, the life of your woman and your children.
All you need is LOVE
VICTORIA AS A PERSONAL VICTORY
We met Vika on a dating site. I liked her profile and suggested we meet. Vika wrote that I was too fast, to which I asked - why delay? We will see each other and in 5 minutes we will understand whether something can work out or not. And if not, we'll save a lot of time. Vika agreed that this was logical. That same evening we met in a cafe. Vika later admitted that the thought immediately flashed through her mind that I could become good husband. I answered positively for myself main question– Vika could become the mother of my children. In general, I quickly realized that she suited me according to all the criteria.
Then we had dates, the relationship gradually developed. For me, relationships are like a ladder that you climb step by step. And rolling back, going down a few steps, or moving from the middle to another staircase is unthinkable. The choice is only at the foot, then the path itself. If I take a step, I am responsible for it. That is why Vika and I even had a conflict. She asked when you will introduce me as your girlfriend. Many throw words, today one beloved girl, tomorrow another in the same status. And for me it was a responsible decision. When I finally said so, the next step was the registry office.
There were misfires on our stairs - of course, because of Vicki. (laughs). We even separated for several months on her initiative. But in the end she came to her senses and accepted right decisions. (laughs)
I believe that I, as a man, should be responsible in the family for some fundamental things. You need to consult with your wife, but make the decision yourself - because the responsibility should be on the man. At the same time, Vika is responsible for many aspects of the family. We take care of children together.
Even during the courtship period, I told Vika that if we have children, I want us to do everything together. I have a couple of friends who live in the concept of “the man earns money, and the woman takes care of the children.” We feel very sorry for them, because when only a woman takes care of a child, this is wrong. A child must have a mother and father. And if a child is with his mother 90% of the time, then it’s as if the father is not there. Moreover, it is believed that the man gets tired, and the woman rests at home. So children are like three jobs. I spend a lot of time with children and I know what I'm talking about, unlike men who haven't even tried.
I am involved in venture capital investments as an investment director. In short, we help businessmen withdraw new product to the market, find financing for expansion when banks refuse. We help such companies accelerate growth through funds.
When Vika became pregnant, we lived in the center of Moscow. They decided to raise their children in the countryside, on fresh air, in your home. And we moved. Of course, getting to work through traffic jams has become very inconvenient.
My position at work was high, and I managed to formulate my schedule so that I could travel outside of rush hour and save time. At the same time, I worked at least 8 hours a day, and at home I did all the important things. family issues. It seems to me that many men could find such a balance; it is a matter of desire - to spend more time with their family or, on the contrary, to run away from home under any pretext.
Nikolai Dmitriev: Vika and I have four children. The first is our relationship. This child is also growing, developing, and it is important to devote time to him!
SUPERDADDY
The birth of a child before I became a father was something bright for me beyond my knowledge. There was a feeling that the children were being taken to some new, more high level development. I understood that when they were born, my whole life would change, and I waited for this with reverent awe.
Our first child was planned, we prepared like excellent students - we took vitamins, went to doctors, to parenting schools, studied how to calculate the amount of milk. Vika conducted a whole marketing research on maternity hospitals and packed so many things with her for the birth, as if we were moving.
We had a joint birth with a family ward. It was my personal decision to be present at the birth, and I did not understand how it could be otherwise. After all, it will be difficult for the wife after childbirth and she will need help, starting from emotional support and up to basic security– for example, call a doctor. Well, in general, missing the birth of your child is like not going to your wedding. This is one of the most important events in life.
Some male acquaintances said that I might be shocked by the sight of blood, and then I wouldn’t want a wife at all. Just in case, I watched a couple of videos on YouTube and realized that nothing really shocked me. In terms of sex, joint childbirth does not discourage, but on the contrary gives such a feeling of emotional closeness that the relationship then reaches a deeper level. Our joint births are bright and cool moments of our family life, I remember them with tenderness.
The preparation courses for parenthood that Vika and I attended only led me astray. They drew integrals for us to calculate the quantity breast milk– and I, being a candidate of sciences, could not understand why all this was needed at all. And then Dima was born and the trash started. For the first six months he only screamed, hardly slept at all, and it was a real challenge. It seemed to me that all children behaved this way, and when I came to work after sleepless nights, and saw other young fathers there, I personally shook everyone’s hand simply because they got to work. I hired two full-time nannies, because Vika and I at some point felt that this was it, we would simply die from lack of sleep if we didn’t do something about it. Now we cope with three children without nannies, but then it was easy vital necessity. Only by the third child did we realize that all children are different, and some sleep quite soundly and do not scream 24 hours a day. Here is our third son - this is a gift option.
Hello everyone, my name is Tatyana. I live in rural areas 140 km from the capital Izhevsk Udmurt Republic in the village Debates. Our village is not large, but it is beautiful, there is something to be proud of, it surrounds beautiful nature, V summer period there are many tourists to look at the Baigurez tract, and the rifts of the Cheptsy River, the Siberian Highway.
I am a teacher by profession, I have been working in kindergarten, Deputy Head of Educational and Methodological Work. I really like my work, I love children, and with them their parents. My task, as the deputy head of VMR, is to organize the activities of the kindergarten as interesting and useful as possible.
Working with parents is one of the priority areas DOW. The formation of cooperation between children, parents, and teachers depends primarily on how the interaction of adults develops in this process. The result of education can be successful only if teachers and parents become equal partners, since they are raising the same children.
Innovation focus of this project- this is planning by sections, and the sections are distributed according to educational areas according to the Federal State Educational Standard for Education, which makes it possible to evenly distribute activities to cover all educational areas, and a wide range of activities for every family to participate in.
The positive side of such sections of planning and forms of events is that the participants are not imposed a ready-made point of view, they are forced to think, look for their own way out of the current situation, choose the right one at the moment event for family and group participation. There is transparency in monitoring work in groups for interaction with families.
Thus, the proposed pedagogical project “SHAR” helps to increase the pedagogical and legal competence of parents and teachers. The "SHAR" project for organizing work with parents in kindergarten has existed since 2008. The work experience was presented at the Republican competition and awarded the Diploma Winner of the Republican virtual competition innovative projects“Education without Borders-2008”, in 2013 the project was presented at the All-Russian remote competition“My pedagogical initiative” where I became the owner of a Laureate Diploma in the category “ Methodical work in preschool educational institution", and in 2017 at All-Russian competition educational organizations on better job with parents, the project was awarded a Diploma for third place.
The goal of the project "BALL":
Updating integrated forms of child-parent activity in educational space Preschool education aimed at creating a favorable psycho-emotional climate in children's institution and in families.
Tasks:
Regarding teachers:
Study families and establish close, trusting relationships with its members in order to coordinate educational and educational interactions for the child;
Develop an action plan (drawing calendar plan on academic year) pedagogical project“BALL” through integrated forms of parent-child activities in the main areas of child development.
Regarding parents:
Involve parents in the educational process based on identifying positive aspects family, activate it creativity and pedagogical competence through the search and implementation of the most effective forms work;
Create conditions for creative self-expression and self-realization of subjects educational process through joint parent-child activities;
Help provide for parents specialized literature And didactic materials for activities with children at home.
Regarding children:
Create joint ones with your family favorable conditions for the formation of integrative qualities in children throughout preschool age.
Important principles of teaching practice:
Encourage, support and respect the decisions made by the family. Consider family members as the most important participants in the educational process.
Be flexible and responsive and provide a variety of services designed to improve the life of the child and family. Respect different cultural values families, ensure the availability of formal public services, and coordinate these services.
Why is it so important to support this project?
Everything would be fine, but there are families - “at-risk” families who are very difficult to attract joint activities. An idea arose to organize a “LEGO + DADDY + ME” site specifically for such families. But to organize this site, funds are needed to purchase sets of LEGO construction sets. We really want people who care about the younger generation to respond and let children from “at-risk” families find happiness. The funds invested by users will be spent on purchasing the Lego We Do first robot kit.
Relationship with the child
1. Studying is my child’s independent business.
Relationship with the teacher
1. I do not interfere in the educational process.
(I give the teacher the opportunity to work according to the program and textbooks he sees fit.)
2. I am ready to listen to the teacher if there are problems and he thinks that I should know about it. If necessary, I am ready to solve the problem together with the teacher.
3. My child has the right not to study, the teacher has the right to react to this as he sees fit.
(Homework was not done and the teacher thinks that this should be given a “two”. No problem. I won’t run around and beg for grades.)
4. I discuss school with my child, but do not humiliate teachers or lower their authority in the child’s eyes.
I am ready to comply with all of the above, but in return I want from the school:
1. Security.
A child won’t be poisoned in the cafeteria, they won’t punch him in the face, and they won’t “squeeze out” his phone. There should be no bullying, trolling and other hazing at school.
If an emergency occurs, an ambulance will be called immediately for my child.
I am adequate and will not give my child a diamond necklace, a 145 iPhone and several thousand dollars in his wallet to school, only to then become hysterical that they were stolen.
I am reasonable and understand that a child can slip and fall on the stairs, and I will not sue the physical education teacher if the child hits his hand on the ball.
Photo source: e2sport.com
2. Opportunities to gain knowledge if the child wants it.
Here I am not ready to argue what the school should or should not do if the child does NOT want to study.
But if the child WANTS, then the school MUST provide him with the opportunity.
Ideally, at any level.
Yes, I want my child (if he wants) to sit in a corner, overwhelmed with Olympiad problems in his favorite subject, and not spit at the ceiling because he is mortally bored in class.
3. Teachers, as people with higher pedagogical education.
I see, right? They were taught, they are aware of the psychology of adolescents, they know the methods. They know how to explain.
4. Teachers who, within the framework of the program, are fluent in the subject they teach.
5. Teachers who evaluate only knowledge in a specific subject.
This is a redundant point if step 3 is fulfilled, but it is very important. The grade in physics is based on knowledge of physics. Not for “being rude to the teacher, you get a lower grade”, not for the length of your skirt and lipstick, but also not for visiting the theater, volunteer cleanup, going to hockey and other joys.
Photo source: pixabay.com
Conflict Resolution
1. I will be on the child's side no matter what. conflict situation. I will defend him, his child is right, and I will support him if he is wrong. But I will not allow anyone to infringe, insult and humiliate my child.
2. If I think that a teacher is not coping with his responsibilities, I have the right to talk about it. And I have the right to demand a replacement.
3. I am not obliged to obey the initiatives of the Ministry of Education, if this is not stated in the Education Code.
The Code contains no mandatory school uniform, no concerts that graduates are required to attend, no subscriptions, will not be remembered by night. Everything that is done for my money can only be done with my voluntary consent.
What points can you add to the Code?
