According to statistics, all people are offended at least once in their lives. However, everyone handles resentment differently. Why is this happening? A person has certain “sore spots”, touching which can easily offend him. Some people have fewer such places, others have more, hence varying degrees emerging resentment. There are also cases when a person seems to be completely different from the outside, although he simply accumulates everything somewhere deep in his soul.
Why people get offended: main reasons
The most common cause of resentment is a simple calculation. A person pretends to be offended in order to gain some benefit from his interlocutor. At the same time, it is not at all necessary to actually feel offended; it is enough to pretend. This method is often used by girls to get what they want from a man.
The next reason can be identified as a banal inability or unwillingness to forgive. In this case, the person who was offended may not know what exactly he was offended by - the fact itself and the apologies that follow are important to him.
Another cause of grievances can be unjustified expectations. For example, a person is fully confident that after today’s interview he will definitely be hired, but they never call him back. Or a girl on her birthday dreams of receiving a gift from her young man, with whom they have been living together for more than four years, a long-awaited ring, and gets a romantic vacation by the sea.
What to do
1. Analyze the situation: it is quite possible that the interlocutor simply does not suspect that his words could offend someone. In this case, you need to put yourself in his place and understand whether this person could realize, by saying these exact words, that he could hurt your feelings.
2. Always extract something useful for yourself from any situation. Perhaps the interlocutor pointed out your shortcomings, which really exist. You can thank him for saying this to his face and not spreading rumors behind his back.
3. It is useless to be offended that a person did not live up to your expectations. No one knows how to read minds and accurately guess the desires of another. It is much more effective, for example, to simply ask your husband to throw out the trash, and your mother-in-law to babysit the child, than to expect them to figure it out themselves, and then to be offended because this did not happen.
The harm of resentment
It has been proven that this emotion causes many diseases, for example, cancer or cirrhosis of the liver in a completely non-drinking person, constant migraines and insomnia, not to mention the lack of peace of mind. It’s worth thinking about what is actually more valuable: pride and hurt feelings or your own health?
Life without negative emotions is much brighter - “Beautiful and Successful” is sure, who today will tell you why resentment towards a man is harmful and how to get rid of it. We women can be offended by a boyfriend or husband various reasons, and they can be quite serious.
But let's talk about those frequent situations when we put our own principles above common sense and slowly but surely push our loved one away from us.
Increased sensitivity (this is exactly the character trait that is formed similar situations) extremely negatively affects relationships, gives rise to new quarrels, the desire to offend in return, to take revenge.
Large or small, but long and carefully accumulated grievances over several years, like a vile worm, “undermine” relationships and corrode trust.
This affects everything from the level of sincerity to sex, and over time can destroy the relationships between the closest people!
Today it is proven by scientists that resentment is the “leader” among negative emotions. In medical reference books, it’s time to create a section “offenses against men and women's health“, because, first of all, this feeling is associated with diseases of the female genital area. It is also believed that this feeling “accumulates” in the hips and chest.
As you can see, there are more than enough reasons to get rid of it.
Shall we get started?
I'm offended!
Reasons for resentment modern woman a lot 🙂 My husband didn’t praise his new hairstyle well enough (too much - his friend’s hairstyle), refuses to walk the dog, or hasn’t been able to nail a shelf in the bathroom for a whole year. And it also happens Bad mood, stress and hormones.
One harsh word - and now a whirlwind of emotions picked you up and sent you crying into the bathroom. The women's site is sure that you should not allow resentment towards the man you love to control your life and relationships.
Wrong tactics during resentment:
- silence
- ignoring
- sex manipulation
It is worth getting rid of resentment completely. To get rid of means to forgive, and not just “push” the feeling into the depths of the subconscious, from where it will guide your mood.
How to cope with a grudge against a man - act with lightning speed:
- As soon as you felt this sharp prick, immediately calmly tell the man what exactly, what words or tone caused negative emotion. You can wait forever for his psychic abilities to turn on :) Discuss the situation openly, and resentment will not have a chance to ruin your life.
- Are you offended? Think objectively about whether you are trying to attract the missing attention. In this case, your feelings have a different name (,). Here you need to think not about how to let go of a grudge against a man, but to solve other problems.
- If yours is already lasting for a long time, and your husband stubbornly refuses to agree with you - don’t let resentment arise. These are different points of view, and a compromise between close people is always possible.
It is important to realize the situation and understand what kind of emotions are born in you. Spare your time and energy. You could very well spend it with benefit and pleasure, together with your beloved man.
Instead of being offended and sad, do something you love or something that will bring balance, for example, SPA treatments :)
A woman’s resentment towards a man is a lack of confidence
Psychologists are sure that men are most often offended women who are not confident in themselves, their appearance, their strengths and abilities. The intensity and frequency of insults directly depends on your internal state and level of self-esteem.
Therefore, first of all you need to decide own problems. Experts like to illustrate this situation with the following phrase: “admit that you were not offended, but you were offended.”
An old grudge against a man: what to do?
Much more harm They bring not small, quickly forgotten grievances, but those that weigh heavily on the chest for years. In this case, you will have to work a little more.
Take a piece of paper and write down the situation or words that you were offended by, and then the emotions that you experienced. Break down your resentment into separate, understandable sensations (except for resentment).
Next, ask yourself, could the man have acted differently or chosen different words? If yes, then think about why he did what he did. Perhaps he also experienced unpleasant sensations at this moment (he received a scolding from his boss, his favorite football team lost, he had a headache). But! Don’t justify the man, but forgive him – more on that below.
How to get rid of a grudge against a man: forgive and let go
Your work with a specific grievance must end forgiveness of a man. You do this for yourself, and not for him - you get rid of the black, unpleasant, destructive feeling. Having talked through the situation and parsed your feelings into components, imagine an image of forgiveness: a luxurious flower blooming inside you, a clear sky from which people are leaving. storm clouds, a crying child who begins to smile.
You can come up with your own, the brightest one, with which you associate peace. Having honestly done such work, you will achieve it.
Please note that if an offense against a man occurs in similar situations that are often repeated, then you should contact a specialist. Don't be offended, and your life will be much healthier and happier!
Introduction
IN Holy Scripture and patristic heritage great attention devoted to the fight against sins, the most dangerous and insidious of which is pride. If a person more or less successfully overcomes gluttony, lust, love of money, sadness, anger, despondency and even vanity, the sin of pride awaits him. Manifestations of pride are multifaceted: exalting oneself and one’s deeds above others, neglect and contempt for other people, moralizing, the desire to teach, inability to admit one’s mistakes, persistence in one’s own mistakes, inability to ask for forgiveness, and much more. , in particular – resentment towards neighbors.
The study of feelings of resentment (resentment) and in general touchiness as a quality of the human soul is very relevant, interesting and useful. Firstly, despite the fact that resentment is one of the ancient problems, it has not lost its sharpness to this day. Secondly, resentment is not just a feeling, it is a whole range of feelings, a kind of psychophysiological and state of mind, characterized by stability and duration. Thirdly, in many cases, especially in everyday and non-church practice, offenses are regarded as a common, very common and completely normal phenomenon. Moreover, some people consider resentment to be the beginning of the formation of character, the development of will, the development of a sense of honor and personal dignity of a person, and the impetus for self-realization. The destructive principle contained in resentment and, like invisible radiation, corroding the human soul, is usually not taken into account. Or it is even considered a useful “vaccination” for maintaining “psychological immunity”, according to the false principle: “That heart will not learn to love that is tired of hating” (!)
Fourthly, despite the apparent simplicity of patristic spiritual practice, the question of correct analysis and reasoning when searching for ways to overcome grievances, of their correct resolution from the point of view of Christian morality in general, remains complex and open in many respects. Orthodox psychology in particular.
Fifthly, the question is important in our time also because the current ideology through means mass media(The media) intensively cultivates many false values that are nutrient medium and a catalyst for all sorts of grievances. They are inflated in every possible way: corporate honor, the falsely understood “dignity” of the individual, self-realization at any cost, “rules of the game,” “human rights,” individualism, consumer instincts and market psychology. Numerous deviations and violations of these artificial rules and dogmas, their frequent inconsistency with each other, and the constant struggle around them give rise to a system of continuous grievances that neurotize society and divide people.
“The unpeaceful spirit that has struck both society as a whole and many of its individual members in recent years is trying today, as it were, to legitimize some sins against one’s neighbor that have become habitual: vindictiveness, condemnation, distrust, ill will, hatred.”
Believers are more stable, but grievances hinder them too, because they do not provide the correct prayer, for which they need:
- attentiveness and sincerity,
- contrition for one's sins and repentant humility,
- reconciliation with everyone and forgiveness of all offenses.
Orthodoxy today is once again becoming the core of the spiritual life of society, influencing the appearance of Russia, its traditions and way of life. Today, 75% of young people recognize Orthodoxy as the basis of Russian culture. More than 58% of young people do not agree that it will be better for Russia if the influence of the Russian Orthodox Church decreases. It is important to understand that this is the opinion of Russians aged 15 to 30, who are the future of Russian society.
8% of the study participants classified themselves as church-going Orthodox, 55% as unchurched Orthodox. 33% of young people, regardless of religion, said they positive attitude to Russian Orthodox Church and only 4% – about the negative.
The cause of harm is pride. The Holy Fathers tore this product of pride from the heart, and secular art, on the contrary, in every possible way cultivates and cultivates it under the specious signs of “pride” and “honor.” “The poet is dead! “a slave of honor,” but here Lermontov is not entirely accurate: if in his life Pushkin was sometimes a “slave of honor,” then his death was truly Christian, in repentance and forgiveness.
Another famous example- from the song: “Men, men, men led the scoundrels to the barrier!” Sounds kind of nice. But if you look at the essence, it was their pride and thirst for revenge that attracted them to the barrier. And where is the guarantee that justice will prevail in a duel?
And one more thing should be remembered: “Truly I say to you, just as you did it to one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did it to me” (), - this applies not only to good deeds, but also to the evil ones. This means that the one who insults a person plays not just with fire, but with the flames of Gehenna: “And whoever says “mad” is subject to fiery Gehenna” (). By insulting a person, they insult God, and the matter of retribution is no longer in the hands of the offended, but above: “Vengeance is mine, and I will repay” (). After such a promise, the heart should not give way to resentment.
Slander also disturbs the peace of our soul; it is based on lies, exaggeration of shortcomings, distortion and reinterpretation of good deeds and qualities in a bad way. The greatest danger is not fantastic lies, but plausible slander, skillfully linked to the situation and the characteristic features of the person being denigrated, and it does not matter which ones - positive, negative or neutral. Trying to refute fabrications addressed to him, a person spends a lot of energy, intelligence, and nerves, ultimately achieving a meager result, and most often, the opposite effect.
Regarding slander, the archimandrite writes: “U northern peoples There was a custom: when a person’s wound did not heal for a long time, festered, and worms appeared in it, then this wound was allowed to be licked by dogs. The dogs licked it with their tongues, and the wound quickly cleared. This is how slanderers, with their lips, cleanse our souls from dirt and from the pus of sins.”
Remarks are not insults, but we are intolerant of them too. Even if the remark is essentially fair, we are offended by the very fact of the remark, its form, its “tone”, and in general - “whoever makes the remark, look at yourself!” Nevertheless, we ourselves make comments to others, we like to notice the disorder in others. How can one not recall again the Savior’s Sermon on the Mount, where it speaks of the speck in another’s eye and the beam in one’s own!
It is important to remember: we are most willing to make comments and reproaches to others about precisely those sins that are characteristic of us. And vice versa, as V. Hugo said: the impeccable does not reproach, he simply has no need to reproach, he lives on a higher spiritual level: He forgives. And he forgives for two reasons: firstly, he has love for his neighbor, and secondly, he is aware of his own imperfection.
4.3. Manifestation of neglect, contempt, increased attention to another
Reading patristic literature, we almost never come across these concepts, except that sometimes they talk about contempt for the enemy of the human race. Touching secular art or simply living in modern society, we immediately see a whole tangle of passions, where contempt and neglect often lead to worries and dramas.
A person puts you below himself, does not take you into account, and neglects your opinion. Quite rarely this is expressed openly; usually we feel hidden disdain, which is no less offensive. Neglect is expressed in the form of indifference, coldness, alienation, preference for another rather than you, and inattention to your affairs. “Here, I endure half an hour of coldness,” Chatsky is offended by Sophia; “I read mine, but didn’t even cut mine,” Treplev is bitterly annoyed at Trigorin in the play “The Seagull” by A.P. Chekhov.
“When I was not honored, not appreciated, deprived of something or humiliated, then in my soul I am indignant and condemn people who do not want to honor my idol - my “I.” I myself worship him and therefore I believe that I have the right to expect the same from those around me.”
Classic example- the parable of the prodigal son. But it’s not about him himself that we’re talking about here—it’s about his older brother. Hearing the fun in the house and learning the reason (the return of his younger brother), “he became angry and did not want to enter. His father came out and called him. But he answered his father: Behold, I have served you for so many years and have never violated your orders; but you never gave me even a kid so that I could have fun with my friends; and when this son of yours, who had squandered his wealth with harlots, came, you killed the fatted calf for him” (). Why wasn’t the eldest son happy about his brother returning to his father’s house, why was he offended? Because the place in the heart, free for joy, has already been taken by quick envy, and joy and envy cannot get along together.
A proud character prone to envy finds it difficult to bear attention to someone else and not to him. Returned prodigal son was a joy for the father and a serious test for the brother, who immediately demonstrated the whole range of sinful states of resentment: 1) pride, because “singing and rejoicing” is not in his honor; 2) anger - “he became angry and did not want to enter”; 3) condemnation - “this son of yours, who squandered his property with harlots”; 4) envy - “you slaughtered a fattened calf for him.” To this we can add disrespect for the father and lack of brotherly love(he says not “my brother”, but “this son of yours”), and the desire to give the offense some “social” weight: “so that I can have fun with my friends.”
It is difficult for us to endure the neglect of others because we have a very high self-esteem, which is not based on anything (except perhaps on pride). Even if a person has received some kind of education, this does not mean anything. The whole question is how you studied and what you learned. Let’s say he’s doing some kind of work—turning nuts or writing novels—then again the question is: maybe he’s working in vain, at a loss, or just amusing himself? No one seems to become happy from his work. There is nothing to be proud of! It is clear that there is no need to despair, because God does not give life in vain, but “shaking up” your pride, your ambition, and turning your gaze from your interests to the needs of other people is very beneficial.
After all, we are offended not only by neglect of our person, but also by inattention to our activities and hobbies. For example, all our walls are covered with paintings - but the guest pays zero attention! We love to talk about fishing, but a friend came and talked about his car all evening - sadness! Therefore, it is especially nice if someone shares our enthusiasm for our hobby. A good half (if not more) practical advice D. Carnegie is based precisely on such flattering tactics. IN in this case possible offense is prevented by flattery - but is this “treatment” good?
In the novel “Dead Lake” by N.A. Nekrasov and A.Ya. Panaeva we come across an accurate observation: “An unfortunate weakness, common to many, is to attach excessive importance to what you do.” It’s useful to try this on yourself more often: am I not boring others with my interests? Mutual offenses are possible here: one imposes his own ad nauseam, offending the interlocutor, and he may offend with indifference, or even reciprocal irritation. So you have to control yourself, avoid sticking out yourself and your interests and at the same time not be deaf to the interests of your neighbors. "The so-called" psychological compatibility"becomes practical for a Christian moral problem» .
In psychological and even physiological terms, the facts of neglect and repulsion can be explained very simply: sloppy appearance, unpleasant odors from the mouth, from sweating of the body, legs, an abundance of saliva, frequent expectoration sounds, sniffing through the nose, the habit of moving close to the interlocutor, during a conversation - fiddling with his button, tie, collar, the habit of interrupting the interlocutor, even agreeing with him, - all this can cause irritation, disgust and reluctance to communicate.
Therefore, thanks to everyone who despises us, these are our doctors and teachers! But we ourselves will not despise others, having experienced this oppression ourselves.
4.4. Lack of measure, impudence, thoughtlessness
You can not be rude in your treatment, but at the same time keep yourself extremely close, loose in words and manners - and this violates a good, noble connection. “Speaking “you” when it would be more decent to say “you”; joke with your friends, as if in the circle of your family, choose another as if loving; make loud exclamations; use hands carelessly in conversation; interfere in everything with your judgment; reason with elders in the spirit of false freedom - all such liberties are indecent for a Christian.”
We are also offended by thoughtless actions and words that offend us and our interests when this does not correspond to our ideas and life attitudes. Behind the thoughtlessness and carelessness of a single manifestation, we tend to suspect a whole system of intrigues and intrigues built against us personally. In this sense, jealousy is rich in fabrications and fantasies; it is capable of exaggerating everything and leading to “gnashing of teeth.” Let us recall at least the internal torment of Othello or Arbenin.
Yes, we want to be treated with respect, tact, and politeness. But everyone must ask themselves honestly: do we really shine with these virtues? Do we always have delicacy, patience, restraint? Do we know how to hide our irritation and bad mood? Don’t we sometimes say a rude word, a caustic remark that hurts another person? Taking offense at a thoughtless word or action, are we really always “so careful, so precise”, never making mistakes, never “blurring” anything out of place? After all, “no man will live and not sin” - this applies to us personally. But we usually forgive ourselves: just think, you made a mistake! but we don’t let the other one down: no, how could he?! However, we all ask in prayer: forgive us our debts, as we do... What kind of “as we do” here!
The great host of saints shines, first of all, with their humility, meekness, and the gift of loving one’s neighbor as he is. Even secular people high culture They were, first of all, demanding of themselves and lenient towards others. A.V. Suvorov instructed: “Learn in advance to forgive the mistakes of others and never forgive your own,” “Strike the enemy with philanthropy no less than weapons.” As for unceremoniousness, this is again a test of our humility and at the same time of our dignity, if we are able to correct our neighbor’s attitude towards us without offending or being offended.
4.5. Selfishness and selfishness
If someone seeks to do something in his own favor, and even at our expense, if he lives only by his own needs, and brushes off ours as frivolous (“just think, I stained his book - great trouble!”), – we This also hurts and offends. Also, quite often in idle conversations, people, usually elderly, like to amplify the significance and hardships of the past years of their lives. And the conversation on the bench in the yard turns into a kind of competition on the topic: “No, it was easier for you, but for me!..”. Other characteristic feature such conversations - the desire to elevate oneself and belittle others: I always acted wisely, but he was wrong; I foresaw it, but they didn’t understand... And when we get offended by this, we forget that we ourselves sometimes do the same thing. Why does someone else's egoism offend us? Firstly, if expressed openly and crudely, it violates the moral laws by which we try to live. And secondly (which happens most often), even if selfishness is outwardly invisible, we still perceive it sensitively - why? Because other people's egoism painfully hurts our own. The holy ascetics were not offended by anyone’s egoism, since it did not interfere with them - after all, they simply did not have their own egoism! Its place was taken by love for a person, no matter what he was.
And when there is no love, there is no patience for a person’s weaknesses. This is how that shell appears in people’s relationships, an egoistic scab that is very difficult to peel off and remove. Therefore, it is clear that people usually react to such an objective evil as selfishness not socially, not as members of society, but purely personally: “Why is it possible with me, but he?”, “But how can I..., but she... ?”, i.e. a person, having truly sensed the injustice in the selfish behavior of another, worries primarily not about trampled public morality, but about his own personal interests. In such cases, self-analysis and self-control are useful in the most various forms: confidential conversation with a friend, keeping a diary, conversation with a confessor, confession, reading patristic books.
4.6. Ingratitude
At I.S. Turgenev has a prose poem about how once during a feast two beautiful ladies were presented to each other: beneficence and gratitude. They were very surprised that they had never met before! Gratitude is a property of a noble nature. We owe a lot to each other - and we owe everything to God, so, in principle, our whole life should be continuous thanksgiving. Gave it to me - thank you, received it from me - thank you too! “Every gift that is perfect is from above.”
But the trouble is that too many, too early, are seduced by the fiction of “human rights.” "Rights" - good thing, but only if they are based on the entire scope of our responsibilities. Everyone's rights only work if everyone fulfills their responsibilities. And when duties are fulfilled somehow or not at all, the thirst for one’s rights is not quenched - that’s when painful questions about the ingratitude of other people. After all, resentment at ingratitude is a thirst for gratitude. There are calculations of one’s expenses and the expected return from one’s neighbor, the price of one’s help is inflated: “I have invested so much in him!..”. In general, as they say: a penny's worth of ammunition, but a ruble's worth of ambition. And as a result, the moral picture is distorted: ingratitude outrages us not in itself, as a sin before God, but as an unrepaid debt to us, and even with interest! It turns out that we did good not disinterestedly, out of love, but as mercenaries - for pay. And - alas! – “our good deeds are often worse than evil ones, because we are proud of them and defile them. ... It happens, of course, that we do something good, but we always forget that this is not our gift to God, but, on the contrary, God, out of His love, gives us grace-filled power so that we can at least sometimes do something good. It would be natural to thank the Lord from the bottom of our hearts for this. But, blinded by pride, we attribute everything good to ourselves, to our imaginary kindness, to our fictitious righteousness. The deeds themselves remain good (someone, let’s say, cares for the sick or does good to the Church, someone works a lot, says a lot of prayers), but for eternity they are devalued by our complacency.”
4.7. Violation of obligations, refusal of a request
Of course, it’s unpleasant when they let you down, when they don’t keep their promises - and you hoped for them so much... The most common discontent of this kind is between relatives; they are connected by thousands of threads, each of which, straining, painfully pulls both ends. And when the thread breaks, it seems to us that it is irreparable, that it can no longer be tied together - “why glue what is broken?” - and in despondency we repeat:
You won't recognize
and you won't help:
what didn't work out -
you can't put it together...
Refusal of a request is also unpleasant and hurts us. Without going into subtleties (is our request correct, is it appropriate, is the person capable of fulfilling it, etc.), we “push our line” in the request. Let us at least remember “how Ivan Ivanovich and Ivan Nikiforovich quarreled.” If we have been let down in some way, we feel bad. Of course, the culprit is worthy of condemnation, we believe. But this is a hasty decision. We want to live righteously, we want to manage our lives in a Christian way. Let us reveal the works of the holy fathers - and we will be convinced many times that condemnation is a sin, and the culprit is worthy, first of all, of forgiveness. How so? After all, he promised - and didn’t do it, but for us, for example, the preparation of cabbage and the trip to pick up the children fell through! And if this is also a relative, then just hold on: everything is remembered - both family responsibilities and old sins... And often because of little things, relatives become enemies. First of all, because of the inability and unwillingness to forgive, the inability to turn criticism on oneself: what am I like? And what is the tragedy? You can prepare the cabbage a week later, and go pick up the children by other means of transport, by taxi, in the end. There is nothing accidental in the world: if circumstances have developed this way, then it must be so, and the Lord will always transform our experiences into positive spiritual experience if we resort to His help. And if you just get angry, count the mistakes of your neighbors and break off relations with them, you will very soon be left in “proud” isolation, alone with your “wonderful” character. Needless to say, how terrible loneliness is without God - and it is certainly without God if you don’t know how to forgive!
4.8. Misunderstanding, insensitivity
Many of life's inconsistencies and grievances arise because people speak different languages, without trying to delve into the state of another. We live too much in our own little world and our own worries to deign to take the place of our neighbor, in his point of view - even for a moment, at least in something. In the same way, we are waiting to be understood, to sympathize with us - and in response there is deafness or the boorish fashion: “this is your problem.” The human soul is a delicate instrument, you need to touch its strings very carefully, and we often consider ourselves even more subtle than others, more elevated than others, and we demand, of course, a very careful attitude towards ourselves. Our soul responds with sharp dissonance to misunderstanding and insensitivity
This is a common reaction, but there are completely different cases. The Acts of the Apostles describes how they were once beaten, forbidding them to talk about Jesus - “they left the Sanhedrin, rejoicing that they were worthy to receive dishonor for the name of the Lord Jesus” (). It turns out that you can endure anything for the Lord’s sake. They may object: it’s a completely different scale, we are offended by an insensitive attitude in everyday life, but there it was about faith in Jesus Christ. Yes, the scale is different, but the Lord has no small affairs - “even the wing of a fly has weight, but God has precise scales.” Not forgiving someone’s insensitivity means in the long term preparing for yourself a left place at the Last Judgment: “Truly I say to you: just as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me” (). In general, resentment at someone’s insensitivity is a very sensitive and reliable indicator of one’s own insensitivity and callousness. It has long been noted that exactly selfish people most often they blame others for their inability to show sensitivity. There are many examples on this topic in the literature. Take, for example, the prose poem by I.S. Turgenev “Shchi.” With her spiritual deafness, the lady did not understand the state of the simple peasant woman, but she hastened to accuse her of insensitivity.
4.9. Difference of beliefs, opinions
People who often communicate or live together have a lot in common, and their opinions are the most various issues often coincide because they are discussed and developed jointly, emerging and strengthening in a single microclimate. And we love to receive confirmation of our own thoughts from others. But we don’t tolerate disagreement or objection well: we get nervous, irritated, indignant - in general, we get offended. Especially if we receive this from a loved one.
We all understand perfectly well that every person is unique. There are no two on earth identical people. As they say, each of us is a unique world, a “microcosm”. But we are not isolated, we communicate, become attached to someone, make friends, love, depend on someone, and someone depends on us - we need each other. And when communicating, we exchange thoughts and feelings, getting to know each other and ourselves. That is why the Lord creates our souls different, so that we all need each other. Of course, everyone enters into communication already having some life baggage, so everyone new information perceived by us in our own way, in comparison with what is already in the “library” of our soul according to this issue. Everyone has their own value system - and this is the “bibliographer” who replenishes the “funds” at his own discretion. And this often happens, especially in lately, with the advent of the dictates of market psychology and competition, that in our soul-“library” the best shelves and racks are given over to our selfishness and consumerism.
And our individuality blossoms in full bloom; it is wild for us to hear someone else’s thoughts that do not agree with our views. Rejection of a different opinion is immediately personified - into hostility towards the person who expressed it. Didn't you like my soup? You don't know anything about cooking. Aren't you happy with my suit? You have bad taste. Did you not approve my article? Everything is clear - he is envious and mediocrity!
And the fact that the person may not be bad and treats us well, but he just has a different opinion, is somehow unknown to us. Our opinion seems to us the only correct one, and “whoever is not with us is against us.” Now there is resentment, and then there is enmity. It is extremely rare that we rise to the question: is it necessary for everyone to always agree with us on everything? And the answer to this question was given a long time ago by the Apostle Paul: “There must also be differences of opinion among you, so that those who are skillful may be revealed among you” (). Differences of opinion were allowed among preachers, and even more so among the flock. On the other hand, when people always agree with us, we are corrupted by pride, by belief in our own infallibility - common illness bosses.
There is one truth, but there are many paths to it. Only God knows whose path is better, and He helps everyone along the way. And it’s better for us to check our compasses rather than argue about routes. The same can be said about diversity of opinion. “The desire to insist on one’s opinion is a manifestation of pride, and not at all a sign of a strong and strong character. ... You don’t need to defend your opinion, you need to defend the truth. And the truth too rarely coincides with our opinion, especially if we insist on it.”
4.10. Non-recognition of authority, seniority, leadership.
Wayward natures love to see the action of their power, the results of the manifestation of their will, this confirms them in themselves and maintains their tone. It doesn’t matter that most often their leadership is self-proclaimed and their authority is exaggerated. Some are accustomed to being the center of attention and worship from childhood due to the costs of upbringing, others have developed the qualities of a leader in the fight against difficulties, others combine these sides or have somehow managed to subjugate the will of others - but everyone worries when their influence is threatened , power, authority. After all, it seems to them that order emanates from them, that they know how to do and what is necessary, that they are even responsible for others - and suddenly these “others” (what audacity, what stupidity!) dare not to obey, to doubt the “good” management!.. Offended? Certainly. Let us remember how unbridled, to the point of moral sadism, Foma Fomich Opiskin reveled in power in his provincial little world (F.M. Dostoevsky “The Village of Stepanchikovo and Its Inhabitants”), how Marya Aleksandrovna Moskaleva worried about losing her leadership in “Uncle’s Dream.” And with what wild hatred they burned against the one in whom they perceived a threat to their primacy and authority!
All these things: seniority, leadership, and authority are nothing more than attributes of power, the power of one person over another or others. Undoubtedly, maintaining such primacy requires some moral or psychological strength, therefore leaders, as a rule, are strong-willed natures. Where there is a lack of talent, they take over with perseverance; if there is no special intelligence, they use a lively and caustic tongue, caustic ridicule, popular speech stamps, to which I don’t even want to object. And while a person goes up, getting involved in everything and showing at least some responsibility, they willingly give in to him. But once authority has been won, authority often begins to be replaced by autocracy and dictatorship. In general, power, like fame, is a terrible thing; few have emerged with honor from the temptation of “copper pipes”!.. Both Foma Fomich Opiskin and Marya Aleksandrovna Moskaleva are extreme cases, but literary images– bright and grotesque. In life, everything is more ordinary, more vulgar, more primitive. The rejected authority suffers deeply, his resentment takes root, develops into isolation, coldness, hostility, and sometimes into hatred, he rejects all attempts at reconciliation, naturally, without considering himself guilty at all. Moreover, he is strengthened in thoughts about human “ungratefulness”, “insensitiveness”, selfishness, callousness, etc.
As we see, this serious type of grievance can combine all of the above. This is where will and faith are required to cry out with all the strength of the heart: “Lord, help me overcome my demonic pride!” “Whoever wants to be great among you must be your servant; and whoever wants to be first among you, let him be your slave” (), - this is the answer of the Lord.
4.11. Refusal of help, leaving care
Leadership may or may not exist, but when a former ward shows independence and dares to refuse help, this also hurts our pride. Often we are unaware that the need for care has objectively disappeared, and our help has become unnecessary and even intrusive and burdensome. But we would like to maintain the status quo no matter what, because this secretly flatters us - they say, what unselfish guardians of virtues we are!
This question is often associated with non-recognition of seniority (guardian or helper), but the very fact of refusing help or neglecting help is important and independent. Of course, to neglect or refuse when help is needed and offered in a timely and disinterested manner is sinful. This is seen as both stupidity and pride. But it’s also a sin to be offended by this: if they don’t want to, don’t, step aside. You never know why they don’t want to! There are a lot of reasons, but it’s difficult to understand someone else’s heart. For all your time. To paraphrase Ecclesiastes, we can say: there is a time to help - and a time to stop helping, a time to look after - and a time to give freedom. The process becomes avalanche-like and irreversible as obsession grows: the more intrusive the help, the more intense the refusal - and the more painful the resentment. But isn’t there hidden behind the resentment at the refusal of help a subtle, eager hope to bind a person to yourself with this very help and live in his eternal gratitude and dependence, stroking his pride? This is also a well-known argument from life. It is no coincidence that, having been refused help, we often exclaim: “Look, how proud we are!” - and this is literally true, because it is we who often feed our own pride. No, “let not your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your alms may be in secret; and your Father, who sees in secret, will reward you openly” ().
4.12. Resentment towards the offended
Worldly pride, among its many manifestations, is sometimes proved and revealed by anger at the one to whom injustice has been done, and the expectation that he himself begs for forgiveness - comparatively rare, but the surest sign pride, i.e. we are offended by the reaction of the person we have offended, and this reaction is not necessarily aggressive or hostile towards us - but we are still dissatisfied, considering this reaction “wrong”, “inadequate”. For example, a mother rudely reprimanded her son for a minor offense, he became offended and withdrawn, and she, seeing disobedience and hostility in this, became even more angry and resentful: “Look! Offended! Who are you offended by? Are you offended by your mother?!” This is both an insult to the offended person and an example of mutual insult. Another, more subtle, situation is also quite common: the offender expects the usual response of irritation, anger from his victim, and is ready to continue the war - and suddenly not a word in response, humility and kindness! In one ironic poem by A.K. Tolstoy has a very correct remark about this: “Good for evil is a corrupted heart - ah! will not forgive." The words of Dmitry Karamazov can also be to some extent an explanation: “She cannot forgive me that I surpassed her in nobility.” Very indicative in this regard is the story of A. Platonov “Yushka”, the hero of which, with his meekness, aroused anger among the townsfolk.
Resentment towards the offended is a sign of strong, developed pride and at the same time an indication that pride itself is a complex phenomenon, sometimes very sophisticated. If, for example, “pride-exaltation” is visible in resentment over insensitivity, then the reason for resentment towards the offended person may be a kind of “pride-envy”, perhaps the most terrible and self-destructive for the individual.
Possible with a large share probability to assume: in such cases, the feeling of envy of the offended person comes from an intuitive or explicit awareness that the offended person is not like him, that the offended person is morally superior to him. It would seem that one should rejoice that the Lord sends such a person to the offender - but no, pride does not allow it! An honest answer to the question to yourself can clarify the situation: what exactly did he do to me that I was offended by? However, we must admit that often a person who is in a state of resentment towards the offended person is simply not able to ask himself such a question or, being very irritated and considering himself right, does not consider it necessary to think about it.
In the already mentioned story by A. Platonov “Yushka”, a similar situation developed in this way: “Adults experienced evil grief or resentment; or they were drunk, then their hearts were filled with fierce rage. Seeing Yushka walking to the forge or through the yard to spend the night, an adult said to him: “Why are you so blessed, so different, walking around here? What do you think is so special?” And after a conversation during which Yushka was silent, the adult became convinced that Yushka was to blame for everything, and immediately beat him.”
5. Ways to overcome resentment
We can continue to provide numerous examples of the causes of all kinds of grievances, but we hope that the main ones are still indicated - according to the “degree of severity”. Let us also take into account that, as a rule, there are no clearly defined reasons for grievances in a “pure” form; most often, any reason causes a whole complex of grievances, each of which is based on its own specific reason, seen in the primary reason by the offended party (reasons which, by the way, the offender may not even be aware of).
Let's take, for example, a quarrel between former friends and colleagues: Troekurov and old Dubrovsky (A.S. Pushkin “Dubrovsky”). At first glance, there is no direct correspondence to this case in our classification. However, it is not difficult to see here both an insult (an incident at the kennel), and non-recognition of authority, and neglect, and even betrayal (of an old friendship). As we see, the reasons for human grievances are so diverse, sophisticated and insidious that one must possess the truly powerful full armor of God in order to withstand all the intricately woven reasons for grievances. Here we need “the belt of truth, and the armor of righteousness, and the shield of faith, and the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit” ().
Meanwhile, unfortunately, there is a whole layer of people who simply live by grievances; they cannot do otherwise, because they are accustomed to operating with inflated demands on others and very low demands on themselves. And since the demands keep growing, but their implementation does not come, a pathological background of resentment of the egoistic nature towards everything and everyone arises. “They are going known principles: “the whole world lies in evil”, “man is a wolf to man”, “everyone dies alone” and other similar self-justifications. I just want to say in a simple way: well, don’t lie in evil! don't be a wolf! don't die alone! He won't listen. I'm used to it. Stuck. Moreover, it’s convenient. When such an “offended” person starts up in a family or team, then everyone around him is somehow embarrassed, embarrassed, feels some kind of “guilt” and awkwardness in front of him, sometimes fawns over him, embarrasses themselves in some way, respecting his “vulnerability.” And he is secretly happy, receiving a moral advantage, taking all this for granted and strengthening in his “resentment.”
You often hear the opinion: “Oh, she’s so vulnerable!”, “He’s so vulnerable!” - in other words, it is tacitly assumed that you can be rude and rude to us - we, the primitive ones, will endure it, but he ( or she) - the structure is thin, fragile, the slightest thing - it gets offended. However, according to numerous observations, “vulnerability” is nothing more than a well-developed touchiness, nothing more. Let us think: were the saints “vulnerable”? The question is absurd. First of all, they were not touchy, they didn’t even know what hurt was, they knew how to forgive - and the question of “vulnerability” didn’t even arise: “They weren’t embarrassed and didn’t shout!” We can say: everyone is vulnerable to one degree or another, but few know how to be inoffensive.
In general, non-offensiveness is truly a gift from God, a great rarity among people (we, of course, are not talking about pathological insensitivity, “thick-skinnedness”). For example, F.M. Dostoevsky wrote about Alyosha Karamazov: “I never remembered the insult. It happened that an hour after the offense he answered the offender or spoke to him himself with such a trusting and clear look, as if nothing had happened between them at all. And it’s not that he pretended that he accidentally forgot or deliberately forgave the offense, but simply did not consider it an offense (my italics - N.P.), and this decisively captivated and conquered the children.”
The issue of forgiving the offense and the offender is very difficult. We often say: “I have forgiven everything, but I cannot forget” or “I have forgiven, but forgetting is beyond my strength.” But let’s imagine: what if the Lord says to us at the Last Judgment: “I forgive, but I will not forget” - will this be forgiveness? And can the Lord say that? In the earthly life of Jesus Christ, people only heard: “Your sins are forgiven”, “Your faith has saved you”, “And I do not condemn you” - and not once - that he has forgiven, but will not forget.
As for the home atmosphere, we can recommend the following. First of all, it is advisable not to let the situation lead to resentment. And of course, fight grievances within yourself. It is also important to try to understand the causes of conflicts with your children. A child can and should endure sorrows - this is the path of all people, but the result of children's experiences should be a spiritual experience, and not heart-corrosive grievances. “It is necessary to draw children’s attention to inner world, to teach them to delve into the mental state of other people, to put themselves in the place of the offended person, to feel what he should feel.” And the most important thing is not to encourage self-love, vanity, pride, or narcissism. Caring more about others than about oneself. And pronounce the verb “offended” about yourself, repentantly, and never use it return form"offended." Very important form The fight against touchiness is the now almost completely lost atmosphere of home conversations, family oral reading, when moral issues and conflicts of what is read are intertwined with life, discussed and sorted out together. No less important in the family life is the habit of asking each other for forgiveness and even such a seemingly trifle as wishing each other good morning and good night.
Conclusion
1. The state of resentment in the mental sense is abnormal, in the spiritual sense it is sinful.
2. The sinfulness of resentment is complex, complex, and necessarily contains pride.
3. Overcoming the state of resentment (and resentment in general) is a necessity moral life Christian.
4. Overcoming resentment is possible only with the help of God.
The main conclusion can be formulated this way: resentment is grumbling against the Lord, desecration of the image of God in man: both in oneself and in the offender. This is a terrible moral burden, a severe temptation - therefore the duty of a Christian is not to lead relationships to offense, first of all, not to offend a person, but to uproot his personal resentment. To do this, it is necessary to navigate the main causes of grievances, identify the mechanism of action of each cause in oneself, and widely use patristic spiritual practice to overcome grievances, their consequences, and resentment itself.
List of used literature
1. Priest Sergius Nikolaev. If you were offended. – M. Danilovsky Blagovestnik, 1998.
2. Philokalia. T.2. – M.: Typo-Lithography by I. Efimov, 1895.
3. Archbishop John of San Francisco (Shakhovskoy). Apocalypse of Petty Sin. – St. Petersburg: St. Petersburg Blagotv. total in the name of St. Apostle Pavla, 1997.
4. Ilyin E.P. Emotions and feelings. – St. Petersburg: “Peter”, 2001.
5. Archimandrite Ambrose (Yurasov). About faith and salvation. Questions and answers. – Ivanovo: Holy Entry. wives mon., 1998.
6. Mental conditions/ Comp. and general ed. L.V.Kulikova. – St. Petersburg: “Peter”, 2001.
7. Archpriest. Moral theology for the laity. – M.: ed. Donskoy Mon., “Rule of Faith”, 1994.
8. Shevandrin N.I. Social psychology in education. – M.: “VLADOS”, 1995.
9. “How many times should I forgive my brother...” / newspaper “ Unexpected joy"December 26, 1997. - Gatchina: ed. Pavlovsk Cathedral.
10. Archpriest Vl. Sveshnikov. Essays on Christian Ethics. – M.: “Palomnik”, 2000.
11. Polovinkin A.I. Orthodox spiritual culture. – M.: “Ed. VLADOS-PRESS", 2003.
12. Horney Karen. Collection of works in 3 volumes. Volume 3. Ours internal conflicts. Neurosis and personality development. – M.: “Sense”, 1997.
13. Priest Konstantin Ostrovsky. Life is equal to eternity. Lessons of salvation. – Krasnogorsk: Assumption Church, 1998.
14. Avva Dorotheos. Teachings, messages, questions, answers. Rep. – M.: MTC “AKTIS”, 1991.
15. The path to perfect joy. Comp. A. Rakov, B. Semenov. – St. Petersburg: JSC “SPb Printing House No. 6”, 1996.
16. Reverend Father Abba John. Ladder. - St. Petersburg: Tikhv. Usp. husband. mon., 1995.
17. Spiritual flowers, or extracts from the writings of the ascetic fathers about spiritual life. – Moscow-Riga: Blagovest, 1995.
18. Saint John Chrysostom. Featured Conversations. – M.: Orthodox. Brotherhood of St. ap. John the Theologian, 2001.
19. Pozdnyakov N.I. Our grievances. / “Morskaya Gazeta” 4, September 11, 1999 – St. Petersburg – Kronstadt: ed. LenVMB.
20. Orthodox prayer book. – M.: “Father's House”, 2002.
21. Archimandrite. Sermons. - M.: ed. Moscow sub St.-Tr.-Serg. Laurels, 1997.
22. Sukhinina N.E. Kebab for big brother. "Russian House" No. 6, 2003.
23. Platonov A.P. Origin of the master. Stories, stories. Comp. M.A. Platonov. – Kemerovo: Kemerovo book publishing house, 1977.
24. Dostoevsky F.M. Brothers Karamazov. – M.: “ Fiction", 1988.
25. About faith and morality according to the teachings of the Orthodox Church. Collection of articles. – M.: ed. Moscow Patr., 1991.
26. Enter into my joy. Pious reflections of an Orthodox Christian about his soul. – M.: “Lamp”, 1996.
27. Vasilevskaya V. Ushinsky’s teaching on education / in the book: S.S. Kulomzin. Ours and our children. – M.: “Martis”, 1993.
N.I. Pozdnyakov Senior Researcher at the Naval Institute of Radio Electronics named after. A.S.Popova
Printed by decision of the Research Laboratory
Christian (Orthodox) pedagogy of the State Educational Institution of Higher Professional Education of the Russian State Pedagogical University named after. A.I. Herzen
Pokrovsky educational and educational leaflets. Issue 29, St. Petersburg: NESTOR, 2008. – 26 p. ISSN 5-303-00204-7 © Nestor
Resentment is the feeling we experience when we feel we have been treated unfairly. As a rule, such situations can be viewed from several points of view. For example, the director fired an employee who was rude to several clients. From the director's point of view, the punishment is deserved. But the employee will most likely think differently, because his wife is sick, and his son is sick. serious problems In addition, there is not enough money at school, that is, there are enough reasons to be irritable.
Thus, resentment arises when an adult (teacher, director, parent) and a child (who is not responsible for himself) come into contact. For example, a child wants a puppy, but the parent does not satisfy this desire.
Taking into account the fact that inside each of us there is a child, overflowing with different desires, needs, ideas, any inability to realize them will result in resentment towards life, the people around us, God, and fate.
There are a lot of “offensive” things in life. First, the child leaves the cozy and safe mother's womb and finds himself in a noisy, dangerous world. Then his mother's breast is taken away from him and he is sent to kindergarten where there is no mother. So we all have to go through a lot of trauma. And if in early age If the parents were affectionate, attentive, patient with the child, but at the same time firm, then in the future it will be much easier for the person to experience new grievances.
How to stop being offended?
1. Admit that you are offended. Denying a grudge will not get rid of it. The result may be physical illness ( psychosomatic disorder). And systematic neglect will lead to chronic diseases.
2. Analyze the situation. Break the situation down and look at it from the perspective different points vision. You need to understand what exactly offended you. For example, returning to the above situation, the director did not take into account difficult circumstances the offending employee.
3. Be for yourself a good parent. Sympathize, console yourself, allow yourself to get angry, cry. You need to “digest” the insult.
4. Having come to terms with real situation, think about what to do next.
Unfortunately, sometimes grievances are too persistent, and no techniques can help. Or offensive situations arise so often that they are impossible to cope with. This is usually due to the fact that in childhood the person did not receive enough help when it came to coping with emotions. That's why touchy person It is more difficult to seek help from a psychotherapist. Hold on to the adult inside you and take the offended child inside to an appointment.
Carrying a grudge in your heart is like drinking poison and expecting it to hurt another person: you are only poisoning yourself. Although you may believe that your feelings are completely justified and the person may have really hurt you deeply, it is always better to let it go. If you're ready to let go of the shackles of resentment, know that there are many ways to process these painful emotions.
Steps
Part 1
How to deal with inner pain- Remember that you make mistakes too, but you still want to be accepted. Remember that all people crave acceptance, although everyone has their own problems.
- Try to see the situation through the eyes of another person. What was happening to this man? Perhaps he was experiencing certain life difficulties, which led to it exploding? Understand that every person has personal problems that they have to deal with, and sometimes these problems leak into other relationships.
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Love yourself unconditionally. No one can give you constant feeling love and acceptance beyond yourself. Remind yourself that you are a valuable and attractive person. Most likely, if you have high standards in relation to others, you have high standards in relation to yourself. Are you extremely hard on yourself when you make a mistake? Slow down and remind yourself that you can and should always love and accept yourself.
Part 2
How to overcome resentment-
Avoid revenge. Although thoughts of revenge may cross your mind and you may have even started making a plan, don't go for it. Revenge is a way of expressing the desire for justice, but the desire for justice can lead to greater injustice if the cycle of revenge continues. When you feel the urge to take revenge on someone, understand that your feelings are a way of coping with the loss of trust.
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Moderate your expectations of others. Remember that no one person can meet all your needs. If you think your partner, friend, or family will meet all your needs, think again. High expectations will lead to failure.
- Resentment can also arise when expectations are not clearly communicated. Discussing expectations and desires will help clarify existing problems and avoid problems in the future.
- Be clear about your expectations for the people in your life. Compromise with people about standards and your expectations in the relationship.
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Use “I” clauses in discussions. When you discuss your grievances with someone, do not rush to place all the blame on them. Better tell us about yours own feelings and experiences. You can't tell another person what their motivation was or why they did something because you can't make such a reprehensible decision for another person. Better focus on yourself, your resentment and your experiences.
- Instead of saying, “You ruined our relationship and I will never forgive you!”, try saying, “I’m really hurt by what you did and it’s hard for me to forget about it.”
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Understand your emotions. Be honest with yourself about the emotions that arise in you due to the current situation. Ask yourself if this resentment is related to some pain from the past, perhaps it has nothing to do with this person or situation in the present. Acknowledge your anger or resentment, but don't get stuck in it.
Practice radical acceptance. Radical acceptance is the ability to accept life as it is, to allow and not resist things that you cannot change. Although we do not experience pain by choice, we do not have to suffer. By saying, “This isn't fair,” or “I don't deserve this,” you are denying the reality of your situation and refusing to accept the truth as it is in the moment.
Meditate. The practice of meditation is extremely beneficial. Meditation can enhance positive emotions, reduce stress, helps to gain a sense of compassion and work through feelings of anger and resentment, replacing them with empathy and compassion. The more you practice meditation, the more benefits you receive.
Practice empathy. It can be difficult to accept another person's point of view when you are simply seething with anger. However, if you show empathy to the person who hurt you, you can shed light on the situation and reduce your pain. The more empathy you experience, the less role resentment plays in your life.
