Thousands of books and articles have been written about how animals and birds mark and defend their territory, but we only recently learned that humans also have their own territory. When this became known, a lot became clear. People were able not only to understand the reason for their own behavior, but also to predict the reaction of their interlocutors.
Let's remember some obvious things...
American anthropologist Edward T. Hall was one of the pioneers in the study of human spatial needs. In the early 60s, he introduced the word “proximics” (from the English proximity - “closeness”) into use. His research in this area forced us to look at human relationships with others in a completely new way.
Each country has a territory that is limited by strictly defined borders, sometimes guarded with arms in hand. Each country has its own small territories - states, counties, republics. Within these small areas there are even smaller ones - cities and villages, which, in turn, are divided into suburbs, streets, houses and apartments. The inhabitants of each such territory are infinitely devoted to it and often go to any extent of cruelty in attempts to protect it.
Territory is a zone or space that a person regards as his own. It's as if she is an extension of his body. every person has own territory. This is the zone that exists around his property - the house and garden surrounded by a fence, the interior of the car, the bedroom, the favorite chair and, as Dr. Hall discovered, even the air space around his body.
In this chapter we will talk specifically about this airspace and about people's reactions to the invasion of it.
Personal space.
Most animals have strictly certain space around a body they consider private. The size of this space depends on the conditions in which the animal is located. A lion living in the vast savannas of Africa may consider fifty kilometers or even more as personal space, depending on the density of the lion population in that area. He marks his territory with urine. On the other hand, a lion living in a zoo, together with other lions, may consider only a few meters as his personal territory - a direct result of overcrowding.
Like other animals, man has his own “air cap”, which is constantly around him. The size of this “cap” depends on the population density in the place where the person grew up. In addition, the size of the airspace is also determined by the cultural environment. In countries like Japan, where population density is very high, personal territory may be small, but in other countries people are used to open spaces and do not like to be approached too much. But we are talking about the territorial behavior of people who grew up in Western society.
Social status also plays a big role in determining personal space. In subsequent chapters, we will discuss at what distance a person prefers to stay from others, depending on his position in society.
Zones.
Radius of the “air cap” around white man belonging to the middle class and living in Australia, New Zealand, England, North America or Canada, is almost the same. It can be divided into four main zones.
1. Intimate area (from 15 to 45 cm).
Of all the zones, this is the most important. Her man views her as personal property. Only those closest to her are allowed to intrude on her. This can be afforded by lovers, parents, spouses, children, close friends and relatives. In inner zone(i.e. closer than 15 cm) can only be invaded during physical contact. This is the most intimate area.
2. Personal zone (from 46 cm to 1.22 m).
We stand at such a distance from others at parties, official receptions, friendly meetings or at work.
3. Social zone (from 1.22 to 3.6 m).
If we meet strangers, we prefer that they stay at this distance from us. We don't like it if a plumber, a carpenter, a postman, a salesman, a new colleague, or just a person we don't know well came closer to us.
4. Public area (over 3.6 m).
When we turn to large group people, then this distance is most preferable for us.
Practical Application.
Other people invade our intimate area for two reasons. Firstly, these could be close friends, relatives or people who have sexual intentions towards us. Secondly, invasion of the intimate area may be carried out with hostile intentions. If a person can still withstand the presence of strangers in the personal and social zone, then the invasion of the intimate zone causes in our body physiological changes. The person's heart rate increases, adrenaline is released into the blood, blood rushes to the brain, and the muscles tense in an unconscious attempt to repel the attack.
This means that when you give a friendly hug to a person you just met, he may treat you very negatively deep down, although outwardly he will smile and show sympathy so as not to immediately offend you. If you want people to feel comfortable in your company, keep your distance. This golden rule which should always be followed. The closer your relationships are with other people, the closer you can get to them. For example, new employee may feel that his colleagues are treating him coldly, but in reality they are just keeping him at a distance social zone. As they get to know him better, this distance will decrease. If the relationship goes well, the new employee will be allowed to invade the personal areas of colleagues, and in some cases even intimate ones.
If two people don't press their hips together when kissing, it says a lot about their relationship. Lovers always press their whole bodies against each other and strive to penetrate the partner’s most intimate zone. This kind of kiss is very different from a non-binding kiss during New Year's Eve or from a kiss with your spouse. best friend. During such kisses, the partners’ hips are at a distance of at least fifteen centimeters from each other.
The only exception to this rule is the space determined by social status person. For example, general manager of a large company likes to spend weekends fishing with his subordinates. When fishing, they can invade each other's personal and even intimate areas. But at work, the director will keep his friend at a social distance. This is the unwritten law of social division.
The crowd in theater lobbies, cinemas, elevators, trains or buses leads to the inevitable invasion of intimate areas by complete strangers. The reaction to such an invasion is interesting to watch.
Here is the list unwritten rules which are strictly adhered to western people caught in a crowd, a crowded elevator, or in public transport:
1. You should not talk to anyone, not even your friends.
2. You should avoid at all costs visual contact with others.
3. You must hide your feelings - any display of emotions is unacceptable.
4. If you have a book or newspaper, you should read it completely.
5. Than more people, the fewer movements you should make.
6. In elevators, you should focus on the floor numbers that light up above the door.
We often think of people who have to take public transport to work during peak hours as miserable, pitiable and depressed. These labels are stuck to them because of the blank expression they maintain during the trip. But this is just a common prejudice. The observer sees only a group of people adhering to certain rules, caused by the inevitable intrusion of strangers into the personal area in a crowded public place.
If you doubt this, pay attention to own behavior, deciding to go to the cinema alone. When the usherette takes you to your seat and you are surrounded by a sea of unfamiliar faces, analyze your own behavior. You, like a programmed robot, will obey unwritten rules of behavior in public places. Once you start joining territorial conflict With stranger sitting behind you, you will immediately understand why those who go to the movies alone prefer to enter the theater only after the lights have been turned off and the film has already started. Whether we are in a crowded elevator, in a movie theater or on a bus, the people around us cease to be individuals. It’s as if they don’t exist for us, and we don’t react to the invasion of our intimate zone, obeying long-established rules of behavior.
Angry crowd or demonstration united common goal, acts completely differently from an individual if his territory is encroached upon. Here the situation is completely different. As crowd density increases, each person has less and less personal space, creating feelings of hostility. That's why the larger the crowd, the more aggressive and uglier it is. In such a situation, unrest is inevitable. This is well known to the police, who always strive to break up a crowd of naked small groups. Finding personal space, a person always becomes calmer.
Only in recent years Governments and urban planners have taken notice of the impact that dense housing developments have on people. A person living in such an area is deprived of his personal territory. The effects of high density and crowding were revealed during observations of the deer population on James Island, located two kilometers off the coast of Maryland in the Chesapeake Bay in the United States. Many deer died, despite the fact that they had plenty of food and water, there were no traces of predators, and no infection was rampant on the island. Previously, scientists conducted similar studies on rats and rabbits. The same results were obtained. The deer died from overactive adrenal glands caused by stress from the reduction of their personal territory due to population growth. The adrenal glands are playing important role in the growth, reproduction and resistance of a living organism. TO physiological response It is overcrowding that causes stress, not hunger, infection or aggressive actions those around you.
In light of the above, it is easy to understand why the crime rate in areas with high density population is much higher than in less populated areas.
Investigators often use invasion of personal space techniques to break down a criminal's resistance during interrogation. They sit the person being interrogated on a fixed chair without arms in the center of the room, invade his personal and intimate area by asking questions, and remain there until they receive an answer. Often the criminal's resistance is broken almost immediately after the invasion of his intimate area. Managers use the same approach to obtain information from subordinates who may, for some reason, withhold it. But if the seller tries to resort to such a technique, he will make a grave mistake.
Rituals associated with space.
When a person is given a private space that is protected from others, such as a seat in a movie theater, a seat at a conference table, or a towel hook in a sports locker room, his behavior becomes very predictable. Usually a person chooses the largest space between two people present and sits in the middle. In a movie theater, audiences most often prefer a seat in the center between the person sitting in the row and the last seat. In a sports locker room, a person will undoubtedly choose the hook where there is most space, between two other towels or halfway between the last towel and the end of the rack. The purpose of this ritual is very simple: a person strives not to offend others by getting too close to them or, conversely, moving too far away from them.
In a movie theater, if you choose a seat that is not halfway between the last person seated and the end of the row, that viewer may feel offended by those that you sat too far away from him, or afraid that you were too close to him. Therefore, the main purpose of such an unconscious ritual is to maintain harmony.
The exception to this rule is public toilets. Studies have shown that in 90 percent of cases people choose the most extreme toilet, but if it is occupied, then the same principle of the golden mean comes into play.
Cultural factors influencing territories and zones.
A young couple who moved from Denmark to Sydney were offered to join a local club. A few weeks after their first visit to the club, several women complained that the Dane was harassing them. They began to feel awkward in his presence. The men decided that the young Danish woman was non-verbally letting them know that she was quite available sexually.
The fact is that for many Europeans the intimate distance is only 20-30 cm, and in some countries it is even less. The Danish couple felt quite comfortable being 25cm away from the Australians. They were completely unaware that they were invading their 46 centimeter intimate zone. The Danes are accustomed to looking intently into the eyes of their interlocutors, unlike the Australians. As a result, the owners had a completely wrong impression of their new neighbors.
Invading the intimate area of a member of the opposite sex is a way in which people show their interest. This behavior is often called flirting. If intrusion into the intimate area is undesirable, the person retreats to the required distance. If the courtship is met with approval, then the person remains in place and makes no attempt to keep his distance. What was normal behavior for the Danish couple was considered sexual harassment by the Australians. The Danes decided that the Australians were cold and unfriendly because they always tried to keep a comfortable distance for them.
Spatial zones for city dwellers and rural residents.
Personal space necessary for a person, is related to the population density in the area of his residence. Those who grew up in sparsely populated rural areas require more space than those living in crowded capital cities. Watching a person reach out to shake hands makes it immediately clear whether he lives in big city or came from the village. Citizens respect their usual 46-centimeter personal zone.
Two men from the city greet each other. This is exactly the distance between the wrist and the body. This allows the hand to meet the other person on neutral territory. Those who come from rural areas, where people are used to living freely, may consider a meter or even more to be their personal territory. Therefore, they extend their hand in a completely different way, trying to maintain a comfortable distance for themselves. Villagers accustomed to standing firmly on the ground. When greeting you, they lean towards you with their whole body. A city resident, on the other hand, will step forward to shake your hand. People who grew up in sparsely populated or secluded areas always need more space. Sometimes six meters is not enough for them. They do not like handshakes, but prefer to greet each other from a distance.
Such information can be very useful for city sellers who go to countryside sell agricultural equipment. Knowing that a farmer may consider a meter to two meters a personal zone and that he may regard a handshake as a territorial encroachment, an experienced salesperson will prefer not to set up a potential buyer negatively or antagonize him. Experienced salespeople have long noticed that sales are much more successful if they greet a resident of a small town with a distant handshake, and a farmer from a sparsely populated area with a simple wave of his hand.
Territory and property.
He considers a person's property or any place that he constantly uses as personal territory and may enter into a fight to protect it. A car, an office, a house - all this is a territory that has a clearly defined boundary in the form of walls, gates, fences and doors. Each territory is divided into several subterritories. For example, a woman may consider the kitchen and her bedroom to be her personal territory in the house. She won't like it when someone intrudes while she's busy with her own business. Every businessman has his favorite seat at the conference table, employees often sit at the same table in the dining room, and every father of a family has his favorite chair. To mark his territory, a person can leave his things on it or use it constantly.
People sometimes even carve their initials on “their” place at the table, and businessmen place ashtrays opposite “their” chair, put pens, notepads or hang clothes, thereby limiting the comfortable 46-centimeter zone. Dr. Desmond Morris noticed that the reading room a book or pen would keep your seat unoccupied for 77 minutes, and a jacket hung over the back of a chair would guarantee a full two hours. A family member can mark a favorite chair by leaving personal items on or near it, such as a pipe or a magazine, to show their ownership of that seat.
If the head of the family invites the merchant to sit down and he completely unintentionally takes “his” chair, the prospective buyer will be so excited by this invasion of his territory that he will forget about the purchase and concentrate only on defense. A simple question like: “Which chair is yours?” - will help defuse the situation and avoid making a territorial mistake.
Cars.
Psychologists have noticed that people drive their cars very differently from how they behave in everyday life. The concept of territory in a car changes dramatically. It seems that a car has a magical effect on a person’s personal space. Sometimes personal space can increase 8-10 times. The driver feels that he can claim 9-10 meters in front of and behind his car. When another car appears in front of him, even if the possibility of an accident is excluded, the driver begins to get irritated, and sometimes even attack the other car. Compare this situation to an elevator. A man enters the elevator, and the one who tries to get ahead of him is already invading his personal territory. But still normal reaction in such a situation it will be clear: the person will apologize and let the other person go ahead. On the highway, everything happens completely differently.
Some people consider their car to be like a protective cocoon in which they can hide from outside world. They drive slowly along the side of the road, almost sliding into a ditch, but nevertheless, they are just as dangerous as those who rush in the left lane, considering the entire road to be their property.
Conclusion.
Others may accept or reject you depending on how respectful you are of their personal space. That's why good mixer A person who constantly pats you on the shoulder or tries to touch you during a conversation causes subconscious rejection in the interlocutor. When assessing a comfortable distance for your interlocutor, you should take into account many various factors. Only after this can you make any conclusions as to why the person kept a certain distance from you.
The expression “personal space” is familiar to everyone. And the first meaning of this phrase is me, this is my body. But really this concept much broader: personal territory also includes our feelings, our views, our goals, our resources - all of our inner world with your emotions, thoughts, actions.
These are both physical and material things, like my desk, my favorite bag, or my favorite books. In general, everything that concerns you, everything that is important to you, everything that makes up your personality - all this determines your life.
But often our personal boundaries are so blurred that it becomes very difficult to determine what they even are. And due to the fact that we ourselves do not see our own and other people’s boundaries, conflicts occur.
Think about it for a minute:
- What in your home can you call your personal place or thing that no one else touches or disturbs?
- Where do you feel calm and secluded?
This could be a room (not a toilet), a bathroom, a kitchen. Or some personal items: a bag that no one but you looks into, a closet or just one shelf in it.
Personal space is a very broad concept. Physically, it is quite easy to determine; we have already listed examples. And often we want not to be touched, we want to be alone, in the so-called safety from external influences.
And the person who sees very well, knows and respects his personal territory, knows how to protect himself from external stimuli.
What happens when our privacy is “encroached upon”? Let's start with simple things. For example, a guest came to you and walked around the apartment in dirty shoes or damaged something (broke, scratched, etc.), or turned on a laptop without permission. In this case, the owner of the house, that is, you, immediately has a huge feeling of indignation and indignation.
If we move to a more subtle and deep sphere, to the sphere of feelings, then if boundaries are violated, the same thing happens there - the same storm of emotions will arise.
Our feelings are like a room or a house: everything that we experience and sense also belongs to our personal territory. For example, if they tell us: “You have some strange feelings” or disagree with us, then we begin to feel bad.
All our interests, all our priorities, all our goals, already listed, are also personal territory. This is all that makes up our essence. And it is important to learn to respect yourself and others.
A person who respects his personal space perfectly sees and respects the space of another person.
And vice versa, if a person does not know his personal territory, then he does not respect himself. He does not know how to respect his feelings, he becomes very restless and unsure of himself. Confusion begins: where is my personal territory, where is the territory of another person: it is very difficult to understand, but it is easy to violate boundaries.
Therefore, it is very important to respect all your feelings that you have about any matter. After all, they are your property. This is a part of you and a part of your personal space that can tell a lot about you.
For example, you can understand a lot about a person by seeing how his room is furnished: are there flowers, are there curtains, what kind of furniture is there.
Exactly the same interior space“furnished” with our feelings, views, beliefs, relationships, which are no less valuable for a person and his characteristics than information about him obtained through his physical environment.
Irina Udilova (relation1.ru)
Family relations expert.
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Personal space is a part of the surrounding world that belongs to one person.
In other words, each of us has a personal space, and any intrusion into it without our consent affects us negatively.
Personal space can be any property (house, apartment, car), and territory, which is a continuation physical shell person. The size of such a territory depends on where a person lives. If he lives in a city, where the population density is greater than in the village, he will have much less personal space than a rural resident.
There are several types of personal territory:
- intimate space (from 20 to 50 cm). For us, intimate space is very important - we protect it as if our life depended on it. We allow only the closest people there;
— personal space (up to 1 m). We keep this distance with people we know well. But unfamiliar people can also enter the personal space zone. This usually occurs in crowds, parties or other events;
— social space(from 1.5 to 3 m). If we communicate with strangers, we try to keep such a distance from them. This is the only way we feel comfortable;
— public space (more than 3 m). At this distance we prefer to keep people in whom we have no interest.
Have you noticed how uncomfortable you feel in a large crowd? In queues or in a crowd, many of us get irritated, become quick-tempered and ready to lash out for any reason. The reason is simple: the whole point is that the boundaries of the zone of personal and even intimate space have been violated. Therefore, to feel confident and calm in any situation, always keep your distance. And don’t come too close to anyone, and don’t let others invade your personal space.
❧ There is such a technique in psychology: in order to confuse your interlocutor and make him feel awkward, you need to enter his intimate zone. So don't let them do this to you!
If a person tries to get too close to you, show that you don't like it. If he continues to try to invade your personal space, it is better to stop contact and continue communication another time.
Unfortunately, sometimes it is impossible to avoid close contact with other people. Let’s say, in an elevator, on public transport, at a concert, whether you like it or not, you are forced to come into contact with others.
To reduce negative consequences invading your personal space and not putting other people in an uncomfortable position, follow simple rules:
- do not look directly at the faces of people who are standing opposite;
- don’t talk too loudly;
- gesture with restraint, do not wave your arms;
- no matter what happens, keep it on your face neutral expression;
- don’t look at other people’s clothes, even if they seem strange to you.
The most unpleasant thing is to find yourself in the heart of a crowd. After all, a cluster of like-minded people forms a common personal space and protects it as a single whole, as one person. If this space is violated, even verbally, the crowd becomes aggressive and uncontrollable. This is why it is so scary to get into a crowd.
If you find yourself in the heart of the crowd, try to quickly get somewhere closer to the edge or leave completely dangerous place. After all, people pressing from behind can crush you, but in no case can you resist the crowd. Otherwise, you may never get out of it alive!
Types of personal space
People's personal property is a type of personal space.
Pay attention to how car owners behave with “ordinary” people. It’s as if they weren’t people at all! Motorists seem to isolate themselves from the rest of the world with the help of cars. The car represents protection for them, which prevents the outside world from violating their personal space.
❧ Psychologists have established: if you want to establish contact with your interlocutor, do not act as if this person’s property is your property! Leaning on a table in the house of an unfamiliar person, it’s as if you are declaring that the house belongs to you. Thus, you are invading the personal space of your interlocutor.
If you even unintentionally “encroach” on another person’s property, don’t wait pleasant communication! Most likely, they will feel bad for you negative feelings, you will only cause discontent and negativism.
Do not violate the personal space of others! This especially applies to unfamiliar people people with whom you would like to establish close contact. Do you communicate with your classmates? Don’t rush to immediately switch to a familiar, familiar attitude. It is quite possible that this will cause aggression and even rage towards you. First, find out about the interests of the other person, his inclinations and hobbies, and only after that try to get into closer contact with him.
But what if you would be happy not to advertise your life, but your parents mercilessly interfere in your affairs?
Try to explain to them that you are old enough to decide some issues on your own. No, this does not mean that you should remain silent, like a partisan, and not answer a single question from mom or dad!
Share your experiences with them, but only those that you consider necessary. Your parents will be happy if you are open enough. After all, they are not your enemies at all! Sometimes their experience and knowledge are necessary to solve difficult life situations.
Would you say that they are constantly lecturing? Well, moral teaching is a thing from which you cannot escape. The most important thing is that mom and dad love you for who you are. And they read morals because they want you to be happy! So they are trying to impose their own model of happiness.
Listen to them and take some things into account. You don't have to do everything exactly as you're told. Just because you're an adult doesn't mean you shouldn't listen to your parents' opinions. Believe me: life experience they have more than you, and it is your duty as a child to listen to what they tell you and take note. It's up to you to decide whether to follow their advice or not. But don't hurt your parents' feelings! Don't let them feel left out of your life.
Isn’t it difficult for you to consult with them or find out the opinion of mom or dad on this or that issue? And they will be very pleased with this: it means that you value their opinion, it is important to you!
Therefore, do not start a stupid and senseless struggle for independence. Nothing but broken relationships and negative feelings, she won't bring it to you.
Hello, dear readers of Valery Kharlamov’s blog! I think you have heard the expression “personal space” more than once. But what is it? How can you detect it in yourself or a close friend? And, moreover, what to do with this information later?
What are personal boundaries?
Each country has its own laws, norms and rules of conduct, violation of which entails punishment, including imprisonment. But what about a friend who can afford to get drunk and call you at three in the morning because he’s bored? Or with a loved one who believes that you should not have secrets from him, so he allows himself to check work correspondence or calls from friends?
Or with your neighbors who “borrowed” your work tool a year ago, and have the audacity to ask for something else, saying that it’s just for a couple of days? If you are satisfied with all this, this is one thing, but if every time you feel restless, anxious and irritated, then it’s time to start protecting your boundaries. Because you are responsible for their safety, and not those bad and ill-mannered people who do not understand that they are causing trouble.
You're closing front door before you go to bed? So, personal space or boundaries is an individual’s awareness of his own characteristics and characteristics, the understanding that he has differences from other people. It is this separateness that is the true “I”, when a person knows what makes him happy, what makes him sad, what makes him angry and what he doesn’t like, what he wants or, on the contrary, is afraid of.
And this knowledge arose in the process of recognizing oneself, if a person is able to listen to himself and notice himself, and not because his mother or wife said so, the boss likes it or is accepted in society.
What is personal space?
There are also zones in which it is quite possible to measure the distance to which we allow different people.
- Intimate area. As the name suggests, this is the most vulnerable place, to which only close people, or those with whom you want physical contact, are allowed. It is generally accepted that it occupies approximately 15 to 45 cm directly from the human body.
- Personal zone. From 45 cm to 1 m, 20 cm. Acquaintances, colleagues, friends, etc. usually communicate at this distance.
- Social. Distance from 1 m, 20 cm to 3 m, 60 cm. This zone is for people we do not know. Let’s say that when we get into the same room with them, we unconsciously keep them away.
- Public. When going to a concert, lecture or similar place where there is a large crowd of people, we will try to stay approximately 3 meters and 60 cm away from them. This is usually necessary for the lecturers and artists themselves in order to feel at least a little safe.
Violation
It should be borne in mind that psychology is not a very precise science, since it should be taken into account individual characteristics every person. Some people are comfortable communicating from afar, while others feel comfortable communicating face to face. It is difficult for those people who have heightened feelings about safety when they need some distance from others. After all, then at concerts they experience panic, on public transport irritation, disgust and anxiety, the same in the elevator, at work, and so on.
Let’s assume that each intrusion is akin to a slap in the face, but now imagine how many slaps a person experiences during the day? Emotional sphere in this case, naked, the person is not able to adequately respond to the slightest irritants, because he had to endure and experience stress, and for a long time. But what about a child who is called capricious, but in fact was “tortured” with hugs and kisses that he did not want?
Have you noticed that there are people who like to talk when their faces are too close to each other? It seems that you move away a little or lean back, and this person approaches again. And it seems good man, but I want to end the conversation with him quickly. And when something has to be endured, we are talking about boundaries. After all, what prevents an obsessive person from telling you to move away a little, otherwise you’re not particularly comfortable?
Examples of violation
It often happens that a person seems to understand this, but is ready to “betray” himself in order to get something. Therefore, women can endure the bullying of their men for years, thinking that through obedience and sacrifice they will win their love, which can change the tyrants. Or because they are afraid to take responsibility and break this vicious circle. Loneliness scares what others will say...
Or, for example, an employee is ready to follow any instructions, even going to the extent of going out on a day off, just to please the bosses, who will appreciate it and definitely give it a raise. Do you know the fables about how a true friend will never leave you in trouble, so he will wake up at any time of the night and rush to help bury a corpse and the like?
There are many reasons why a person ignores his own self, but more common cause is ignorance of oneself or the fact that everyone has the right to their own opinion and personal space.
Well, let’s say I don’t like sweets, what should I do now, stuff myself with it in order to meet someone’s expectations? No, you just have to learn to keep a balance between your “I” and the demands of society.
What to do?
1. Personal rules
- First of all, write a list of the rules you live by. Then carefully review each point. Are you satisfied with everything? It’s clear, since you live like this, you’re most likely happy with it, but the question is a little different: what exactly causes the feeling of tension, irritation or confusion? Then think about how you can defend yourself by slightly transforming these rules.
- The next time you are communicating with someone and notice that something is wrong, take a break, for example, when you go to the toilet, and think about what exactly affected you, that you reacted with anger, resentment, etc. When you understand, add another limiter to the list of rules.
- Remember the situations when you felt discomfort, write them down and come up with your own stop word for each. Because, in the so-called “field conditions”, when you have not yet particularly learned to defend yourself, you may get confused and not react properly. But when you have a reaction template prepared in advance, then at first it will be much easier to cope with the manipulations of others.
Let's say your family is trying to influence you to do something as they see fit. You can stock up on the following phrase: “Thank you for taking care of me, but I know what I should do.”
Or on weekends, not only don’t do work, but also don’t talk about it with loved ones. Saturday-Sunday are days dedicated to family. After 22:00 do not answer calls. It's time to relax. Then they will stop bothering you over trifles, knowing that the phone is turned off. Do not talk about politics, as it leads to conflicts that you are tired of. In general, is the meaning clear? Thanks to own rules you can protect yourself from unnecessary stress, which is sure to cause every intrusion into your space.
2. Feelings
- Learn to talk about your feelings. First, study what they are, because in fact, there are a lot of them. Then, if you feel discomfort and pressure, talk about it. Then you will be yourself. When you don’t do this, it’s certainly scary. Even if boundaries have always been broken, it is never too late to start building them.
- Even if a loved one asks you for something, and when you agree, you feel tension – this is already a violation of your personal zone. Be attentive to your feelings. This article will help you learn how to protect yourself from manipulation.
3. Contact zones
- When in public places, try to learn your zones, how far you are comfortable letting people approach different people? And then you will be able to regulate your state, moving away or approaching intentionally. And next time it will be clearer where anxiety or irritation during communication comes from, and how to cope with it.
- Don’t forget that other people also have the right to be separate, and if you want your preferences or prohibitions to be taken into account, you shouldn’t react with offense when faced with restrictions, even very loved one. For example, there is a stereotype that men are strong and can cope with any problems for the sake of the woman they love, even working without rest. But, like any person, the opportunity to relax and recover is vital. And everyone does it in their own way. Some are fishing, some are crocheting, or just looking at the ceiling. Therefore, it is necessary to allow him to “take off his armor” and approach himself in a way that is comfortable for him.
4. The value of inner peace
To make it easier to defend yourself, imagine that a person covered in dirt is trying to get into your favorite house, car or office, in general, a place you love, saying that he will come in for just a couple of minutes. And you look at it and understand that then it will take a very long time to clean and wash everything after it. What will you do? Most likely, ask to leave, and they will return clean. Right?
You won’t be ashamed to say that dirt drips from it onto your clean floor or rug? Why then do you treat your soul differently? Why do you allow it to get dirty and leave marks that cannot be washed off?
Almost any invasion can be anticipated by taking care of yourself in advance. As I said before, it is stupid to leave the front door open at night and hope that no one dares to trespass on someone else's property.
Don't want to free time solve work issues? Do not answer calls if you see that they are dialing from the office. Are you angry that your friends keep waking you up in the middle of the night? Turn off the sound and the problem is solved. No one is obliged to care about your comfort. This is only your responsibility. And if it is violated all the time, think about why you allow it, and how exactly.
Conclusion
And that’s all for today, dear readers! Be vigilant, especially in relation to physical sensations, the body will not deceive you, and will always let you know that it is uncomfortable, not only with tension, but also with nausea and pain. So pay close attention to such signals.
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The material was prepared by Alina Zhuravina.
