Despite the fact that a similar topic was discussed on this site in an article, in this article I will talk about other methods that will completely answer your question: “How to stop being jealous?” . That is, here I will teach you how to fish, and then you will no longer need to wonder similar questions. I won’t tell you what envy is, you can read that in. Let's move from question to action.
How to stop being jealous?
The first way to stop being envious is the most disappointing, but it works 100%. You all know the saying: "Time heals". In relation to envy, this statement is also relevant. You yourself can personally remember how you once envied someone for a long time, no matter why, and then over time they got used to the fact and felt calm. I will give a specific example: Ivan bought a new Porsche car for 8,000,000 rubles, his neighbor named Petya, having learned about this, and then also seeing this car, began to be terribly jealous. Envy is an emotion, and I have repeatedly told you that any emotion has a beginning, an end and a repetition. At first Petya was very jealous. He tried to harm his neighbor, for example, he drilled into the walls at night, or talked to Ivan arrogantly, or shit in some other way. Over time, any emotion begins to weaken, since a person is a creature that quickly gets used to everything and resigns himself. Petya's envy, say, after six months, weakened, but did not disappear. He still looked with envy at his neighbor in a brand new Porsche. But Petya stopped his attempts to spoil Ivana. After another six months, the envy completely disappeared. The emotion of envy went out completely like a match. Petya stopped envying Ivan. But envy will arise again if Ivan buys himself a second car. Then the process will repeat again.
In the process of achieving her goal, Dasha stopped being envious, as she began to move towards her goal, but Masha did not stop envying, since she was just sitting at home. You know the ending of this story, Dasha will marry a reliable and good man, and Masha will remain alone until she starts acting like Dasha did. To stop being envious, you need to move. In the process of movement, all envy and any other emotion disappears, attention switches, and goals are sooner or later achieved.
So you have three options to stop envying: wait until envy goes out like a match, change life values and start taking action. The first two options are completely disappointing. You will have to wait a long time, and not everyone is able to change their life values. The third option is the most suitable, which is what I recommend you use to stop being envious.
how to stop being jealous
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Once upon a time I had such a case. For some reason I suddenly stopped liking one employee. I can't say that I liked her before this. No. She just didn't evoke any emotion. We worked together. But at some point, something inside me turned on, and at first I felt a slight hostility towards this person. When I saw her, my mood immediately deteriorated. I didn't want to talk to her at all. If we had to, everything was very tense. Further, I caught myself thinking that I was literally looking at her as if under a microscope. Her haircut is completely off topic. Hair looks messy. Her makeup is too provocative. You need to be more modest at work. Her jewelry is generally in bad taste. How could you choose something like that, and even put it on yourself? Yes, and to work.
Clothing is mind boggling. What does she think about when she gets dressed in the morning? Her figure seemed a bit plump to me one day, and thin and dry the next. Her voice sounded like a nasty squeak. And the laughter resembled the blows of metal lids. In general, everything was absolutely wrong!
And instead of not paying attention to her at all, I began to intensely control all her movements. Mentally criticizing her every time she appeared in my field of vision. At the same time, the mood dropped below the plinth and anger appeared.
This went on long enough. And this state has already begun to exhaust me. Because even after work I couldn’t stop thinking about this employee. Having passed unnoticed to the stage of wishing all the worst for her. When I already had insomnia, this girl became my worst enemy. All my thoughts were completely devoted only to her and control of her life. I don’t know exactly what this situation could have reached. Then, quite by accident, I came across an envy test. Of course, I considered myself an open, kind and not at all envious person. After taking the test as a joke, I realized that everything was not as rosy as I thought. I passed again, but this time taking the questions seriously. The result was not particularly pleasing. I began to think, delve into myself, analyze this situation with the employee. Yes! It was envy in its purest form. The hardest thing was to admit to myself that I was jealous. This included all sorts of excuses and whitewashing of me in front of myself. Then it was difficult for me to fully understand all the accumulated feelings and attitudes towards this person. But I did it. And this nightmare is over.
After that, I delved into the topic of envy for a long time. What is this? Why does it occur? Does this happen to everyone? How to deal with it, or better yet, prevent it? I discussed these topics as if by chance with everyone I knew. I searched the Internet. And this is what I understood:
* Almost no one will ever admit to you that he envious person. Or that there are moments when envy turns on. I think that many people cannot admit this to themselves. Because envy is so “low”. And most people know that this is one of the ten deadly sins.
* Almost everyone is jealous. Someone gets stuck in this process and turns their life into the desire to possess what someone else has. The one who is envied. Almost immediately, along with envy, the “find the bad in him or her” turns on. The one I envy. Confidentially tell others something bad about this person. Control his life. Celebrate his failures. Grind your teeth at his success. By any means, get what you are jealous of. It’s nonsense that you can live absolutely calmly and happily without this. Necessary means necessary. We will persistently suffer and achieve our supposedly mega-important goal.
For someone light form envy is an incentive to achieve new goals. If he/she did it, achieved it, received it - why can’t I? But the main thing here is that the goals are not alien. Achieving other people's goals is not always happy. It’s a pity that it comes late, but at the moment of “conquering someone else’s peak,” you can feel tired instead of joy. And misunderstanding - what was so much time spent on? Therefore, it is very important to check the goals - mine or someone else's.
* There is no need to fight envy in yourself. The most important thing is to realize and accept. Admit to yourself that yes! I'm jealous. I envy this... I envy because... I envy because of this... Only after that, consider the object of envy from all sides and think carefully:
Why do I need this?
Do I need exactly this and specifically?
Or would you like something similar, but a little different?
How will I feel when I receive this?
How will my life change after this?
Will the attitude of others towards me change?
Am I ready for all these changes and changes?
Do I really need this?
After all, if you answer all these questions honestly and sincerely, the tension and grip of envy will become much weaker. Because a conscious attitude towards anything is taking responsibility for your life. This is a clear and precise understanding of what I want, why I want it and why I need it. Therefore, if you add your wishes to what you envied, then it will simply be your wish. Or your goal. Remember the movie “The Diamond Arm”: “Is there one like this, but with mother-of-pearl buttons? No? We will search." And during the search process, you will decide for yourself whether you need to go in that direction. Or you can easily do without all this.
* Envy often arises when comparing yourself to others. As soon as a comparative thought appears, drive it away. Because YOU are YOU. I am ME. HE is HE. And each of us is one and only of our kind. Two identical people No. So allow yourself to be yourself. Live your life. Because you want it. And in the way you know how. Sometimes make mistakes. Rejoice and be sad. Go towards your goals. Make decisions that are important to you. Build and live your life without regard to others. It's very simple. The main thing is not to forget about this.
Think about what you dedicate to most of your life? Does this bring you joy? Is there envy in your life? Do you really need it? Be honest with yourself. After all, your future depends on it.
Envy. How to stop being jealous?
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Probably everyone, from childhood, remembers envying other children because of the best toys, bicycle or clothes. As adults, people don’t always get rid of this feeling. Can’t control yourself because your neighbors bought a dacha outside the city for a lot of money? Or does a boyfriend give diamonds to a friend? Or maybe your friend got the promotion you were waiting for? If these thoughts are even a little familiar to you, then this article on how to stop being jealous and live your life will be very useful for you.
The world has always included envy on a par with the greatest vices on earth. But how bad is this feeling, since it is still characteristic human nature? Envy prevents people from realizing themselves, using their potential, and destroys them from within.
In most cases, the basis for the emergence of envy arises from childhood. When parents try to invest the most in their child positive traits and qualities, unobtrusively set other children as an example and praise. And only as an adult independent life everyone determines the path further for themselves: to bear such a burden or to abandon it without interfering with the happiness of others.
How to stop being jealous and live your own life?
There are 5 basic rules that will help eradicate feelings of envy. Let's talk about them.
Admit your envy
Since this feeling occurs unconsciously, it is important to learn to control it. Try to “catch” your reaction in your mind to someone else’s well-being. No need to blame yourself right away, just accept it for now, like others bad habits inherent in you.
Try not to compare
Here in childhood there was no escape from parental comparisons. But as an adult, a person can allow himself to be who he really is. Are we worse or better than another person? objective opinion, but subjective thinking.
Here it is very important to focus on creating a rational self-esteem.
If a person begins to focus on other people's successes, shortcomings and advantages, then this should not become a reason for not realizing his own uniqueness. After all, if there are no two identical people in the world, then is there any point in comparing them? We are no worse and no better. We're just different. Compare yourself today only with yourself yesterday.
Be honest with yourself
What does envy do to human consciousness? It constantly leads to the idea that we are not living as we would like. inner ego. But at the same time it does not make it clear that everyone can get much more than they currently have. Sit down and think: do the desires that arise now coincide with your true needs? It is especially important to analyze at the moment of envy of other people on the occasion of a purchase or some kind of victory. Perhaps the reason lies in personal beliefs.
Love yourself
Remember and arm yourself with the knowledge that envy is a denial of love and self-respect. React to the manifestation of this bad feeling as clues about where you should get to know yourself better. Always try to think about what is preventing you from getting the object of your envy.
Appreciate life and what you have in it
People often envy the rich and famous because their lives seem very interesting (read the article about). At such moments, the envious person does not understand that he himself also has many reasons to receive bright emotions. During the day, pay attention to everything that caused even the slightest feeling of joy and delight. In the evening, “reactivate” these sensations. Be sure to thank fate for all the good things that happened to you.
Friends, life does not always send surprises and joy. Moreover, if there is no human hand and labor. This world is teeming with trials and difficulties.
- Never feel sorry for yourself and don’t let others do it. Agree, an “allergic” reaction to someone else’s happiness, resulting in anger, is a big internal problem, which may even require the help of a psychologist.
- You shouldn’t constantly monitor someone else’s life, it takes a colossal amount of time. It is important to focus on your development and life path.
- Be always busy with work and new plans, then there is simply no chance for envy to arise.
- Rejoice in your victories and never in other people's failures.
- Don't compare yourself to anyone.
- Instead of outright envy, do not skimp on praising the other person so that they will do the same to you in the future.
If envy were accompanied by fever,
the whole world would be in a fever.
Janusz Wisniewski
The poor envy the rich, the loser the successful, the loser the winner, the destitute the darling of fate, the weak the strong, the gray mouse the fatal beauty, the childless woman the mother of many children... And only a fool does not envy the wise, because he simply does not realize his advantages.
Of course, it is better to be healthy and rich than sick and poor. And we assure you that it is better to be wise in order to understand the essence of things. A wise person knows that everything is not really what it seems from the outside. After all, people disguise their pain so skillfully that others even envy their demonstrative happiness.
Psychologists note: the feeling of envy is very dangerous. Envy destroys us, destroys our relationships with loved ones, and prevents us from moving forward. What is the poisonous essence of envy and how to stop envying?
The feeling of envy is an insatiable worm inside us
Everyone should at least admit to themselves that envy is a feeling familiar to your heart. Whether you cherish it or overcome it is another matter. In order to get rid of envy, it is enough to understand its primitive and rotten essence. What is envy? Here are some of her worst sources.
Envy is a recognition of one's own inferiority. If you are jealous of someone, it means that you are aware of your weakness. He could, but I couldn't. It was given to him, but not to me. He succeeded, but for me it’s like heaven! Who is he in my eyes? Winner. Who I am in my eyes is a loser. Who am I in his eyes? Most likely, he doesn’t even look at me because he’s busy with himself. Lead by example!
Envy is a destructive force. Who is she destroying? First of all you! When you are jealous, you become exhausted. Will envy change your life for the better, or maybe bring you closer to what you want? No. It pulls you back and thereby distances you from what you want. Take action, direct your energy towards achieving your dreams, instead of suffering because of someone else's success!
Envy is the shadow of success. Success is there for everyone to see. He deserves respect, so successful people are not born, but become. Come out of the shadows, strive to conquer yourself. And then they will envy you!
Envy is the predecessor of hatred. As soon as you allow yourself to envy, it will start irreversible process turning envy into hatred. Envy can cross out for many years friendship, partnership, good neighborliness. Learn to rejoice in other people's successes, share them with dignity - and yours will not keep you waiting. Nobility is always rewarded.
Envy is a manifestation of low or high self-esteem. Self-critical people evaluate themselves and others adequately. Advice on how to get rid of envy is to realize your shortcomings and advantages, do not waste physical and mental strength wasted.
Appreciate what you have and don’t look at other people’s things. You only know half the truth, and you may not like the second. Don't feed the worm of envy and it will stop eating your heart.
How to get rid of envy
Envy is a superficial and selective feeling. The object of envy is usually individual qualities or success. You're jealous brilliant career classmate, not knowing that he is unhappy in personal life, and his career is a way to prove his love to Oksana. And this very love of his life cooks cutlets for you every day and raises your children...
In addition, people tend to envy the results, but are too lazy even for a minute to think about the efforts that were achieved to achieve them. If you dream of changing destinies with someone, taking someone’s place in life, you first need to think about whether you are ready to follow their path. If you were shown a film about the life of someone you envy, chances are 99 to 1 that you wouldn't agree to play main role in this masterpiece. Do you have the right to claim other people's laurels? And will they make you happy?
Advice. The first step to overcoming envy is to stop comparing yourself to others. Compare yourself yesterday with today. Because the biggest victory is over yourself!
We will help you get rid of envy by bringing specific examples from life.
- – You envy your friend because her husband gave her earrings on the occasion of the birth of her son. And she is jealous of you because your husband shared every sleepless night at the baby's crib. Her husband paid off the general care of the baby, and yours proves real love every day. Hand on heart: would you exchange husbands?
- – The specialist is jealous of the head of the department. He comes when he wants, gives out tasks, has a lot of money and rides in a corporate car. Wait a minute, are you ready to take the rap for the work of an entire department in front of general director at the reporting meeting?
- – You are an ordinary girl who is sincerely loved by an equally ordinary guy. And you envy the beauty from the parallel group because the whole class of guys sighs for her. Do you know how offended she is that because of her charms no one dares to approach her, and she, so beautiful and very lonely? For everyone looks at her slender legs, but no one looks into her soul.
These and other examples show that envy is unfounded. You don't know how to stop being jealous? Remind yourself of this often. And also that ENVY DOES NOT DO ANYONE HONOR, because this feeling is sinful. Envy has found its place among the main mortal sins. It is opposed to benevolence. Here's the antidote for you. Sincerely wish well to both those who are ahead of you and those who are behind. Because everyone on this path is given a commandment-warning: “Do not covet anything that belongs to your neighbor.”
Prayer for envy
Anyone who cares about the purity of his soul can renounce envy with the help of prayer.
To stop envying, it is enough to thoughtfully and sincerely read the universal prayer “Our Father”. Deep meaning this sacred text is that you trust higher power your life, saying: “Thy will be done.” This means that you believe that everything you need will be sent to you, and what is not there is simply not needed. Envy, like other sinful feelings, fits into the concept of “temptation” and “evil one.” Indeed, the world seduces us, which induces us to envy and then to hatred. Therefore, the daily request: “Lead us not into temptation and deliver us from evil” will serve as a moral shield against the need to envy.
Prayer for envy (to stop being envious)
Heavenly Father, I ask You: heal my heart from pride, vanity and envy. I renounce these sins. I bless the people I envied and condemned. God, deliver me from greed and gluttony, place gratitude in my heart for everything I have. Free me from the desire to have more than I really need. Teach me to sincerely rejoice in the well-being of other people. Amen.
Prayer for people's envy
People themselves don’t know what they want. First, they bend over backwards to arouse the envy of others, and then use all means to protect themselves from envious eyes. For those who are familiar with these contradictions, we suggest reading a prayer that will protect you from the envy of others.
Prayer-amulet from the thoughts and actions of envious people
Lord Almighty, I send you a prayer of gratitude for all the blessings with which You have blessed and bestowed me. I appreciate everything I have. According to Your will, I receive and multiply Your bounties. Save me from the crafty, envious eyes, evil thoughts and actions of my envious people. Send them enough grace, fill their hearts with kindness and diligence. Send them an Angel of peace, let them not come to me with false advice, and let them not harm me with crafty actions. Give me wisdom to distinguish between benefactors and evildoers. Do not let anyone near me who seeks to harm me. I believe that You will dispel all the bad things that others wish for me, because no one can resist Your protection. Let people who go against me in thought, word, and deed come to their senses and stop destroying their souls. And give me the strength to accomplish my deeds to increase Your glory and the human race. Amen.
Envy of others: why envy is dangerous
Envy is filled with extremely negative energy. She is dangerous for both sides, but still more harm inflicts on the envious. The worst thing is that envying others spoils karma and blocks positive changes in your life. Accumulating in the soul, bad energy materializes into all sorts of problems, diseases, sometimes even incurable.
Envy materializes into all sorts of problems, illnesses, sometimes even incurable ones.
Envy is depressing. There will always be people who are better than us in some way. But we are also better than others in some ways! When we focus on other people's successes, we minimize our own achievements. Become aware of your strengths, develop them instead of getting upset with someone.
Envy hardens the heart. Greedily looking sideways at the things of others, we become angry with innocent people. After all, no one is stopping us from achieving the same heights. And those successes that are like a thorn in our side actually even set an example. The smart one takes an example from successful person, limited person try to denigrate him. By envy, we eat ourselves from the inside.
Outright envy spoils your image and reputation. When we humiliate the advantages of another, looking for his shortcomings, we thereby harm ourselves: we admit our imperfections, we admit our weaknesses. People draw a clear conclusion about an envious person: primitive man. After all, it is known that good people They see only the good in others, and the bad - the bad.
“I envy my ex”: how to start living your own life
You can often hear a strange phrase: “I envy my ex.” It would seem, what can cause envy of exes? There is only one answer: he or she lives without you, has built a new relationship, but you are still living in the past and cannot come to terms with the separation. More often than not, those who have been abandoned face this problem.
Envy of exes: girlfriend/wife, boyfriend/husband
Envy of an ex or ex is greatly fueled when you follow their life and see what has worked out for them, but not yet for you. You think it's unfair. You crucify yourself, every time you mentally return to your relationship and try to understand what you did wrong. Compare yourself with your new wife or husband ex-couple and reproach yourself for not being able to be like them.
It's especially hard to realize that your ex has changed with someone else... better side: became more responsible, got rich, treats her better than he treats you. Understand that the other one just suits him. And another one will suit you better. So get out of the house and make new acquaintances. Stop learning new details about life ex-other half. After all, what you learn is the revealing side, the best. You can’t know how things really are there. And don't.
Perhaps the opposite option will help you: find out as much as possible about the new life of the person you care about. If you realize that everything is not as good as it seems, this is not your problem. And they are ready to put up with them. Respect other people's choices. If they have complete harmony, this is their common merit. Evaluate and accept it. One way or another, you have your own life.
Let go of the past! And don't expect anything. Time doesn't heal. New circumstances are being treated. Create them for yourself, because no one else will do it for you. Live in such a way that people envy you!
Being in the position of someone who, after a breakup, managed to start living his own life and build a new relationship, you risk facing the envy of your ex-couple. Even if you are flattered by this envy, we still advise you to isolate yourself from it. Because you might get hurt. Ignore attempts to make peace; if your choice is final, calmly communicate it. Delete your pages from social networks. Try not to overlap in joint companies. Ask mutual friends not to tell anything about you. Don't show off your happiness. It's better that they don't know anything about you. If you are truly happy, you don't need doping in the form of ex envy.
“I envy my friend”: saving friendship from an insidious feeling
A friend for a woman is very important person. We've been through so much together! And it’s not for nothing that the erroneous stereotype that a friend is a friend in need will be refuted. In fact, a friend is known to be happy! Because in times of trouble there are many who want to show nobility, but it is difficult to come to terms with someone else’s happiness, especially if you yourself are not in chocolate. This already requires wisdom and generosity.
Women's envy can arise from anything: thicker hair, firmer skin, a nice guy takes care of you, a better-fitting dress, a more successful husband, a more loyal boss, more talented children... There are more than enough reasons for envy! But stop!
Who, if not you, knows both sides of the coin of your friend’s life. She's the one who cries to you when something goes wrong. Is everything in her life so perfect? She lives in heaven, but only comes to your hell to check on you? No. You know how much time and effort she spends on developing the talents of her children, as well as the fact that her caring husband is completely incapable of earning money, so she works two jobs. We do not encourage you to be happy that your friend is not doing well. Just so that you understand the absurdity of envy.
When I sometimes envy a friend, I immediately mentally suggest that I change places with her. And you know, I don’t want something. Because I know that for no amount of money will I tolerate the betrayal of the rich husband of one of my friends, and not a single force will raise me every day at 5 in the morning to cook food for large family another...
Try to evaluate the whole picture, and not just the positive things that catch your eye and make you jealous.
Women's envy can be very insidious. If you are convinced: “My friend is jealous of me!”, Be careful with her. Don't brag about things that might make her jealous. You don't want her to be offended. And even more so, you don’t want her to unknowingly or even intentionally harm you because of it.
On the contrary, complain about life, show how hard your “advantages” are for you. Sometimes it’s worth inviting you behind the scenes of your everyday life and admitting that in reality everything is not as rosy as it looks from the outside. Share something you have in abundance, support and help as much as you can. Think about how to neutralize the negativity generated by her envy. Show how dear she is to you! This will help her friend rethink everything.
If it seems to you that your friend cannot overcome her envy of you, do not wait for her to harm you. It is better to sacrifice friendship if it did not stand the test of your happiness, and isolate yourself from such a person at least for a while. Being in close contact with envious people is dangerous. You should not publicize the breakup. Say that you are very busy and keep communication to a minimum. It will be better for everyone.
By own experience I can say that sincerely enjoying the successes of your friends is beneficial. Maybe I was lucky with my friends, or maybe it was my goodwill that resonated in their hearts. But everything good that happened to them had positive consequences and in my life too. It was no less pleasant for me to do something useful for them in my best times.
White envy: is envy good?
Not everything in life can be divided into black and white. But envy is one of those feelings that has two poles, depending on how we perceive them. When we envy with black envy, we thereby want to lower a person who is superior to us in some way to our level. When we admire someone, we ourselves strive to reach the heights that others have already conquered. Helpless people devour themselves with black envy, who can only blame fate, parents and everyone around them for the fact that they do not live the way they would like.
There is also white envy. This is the other side of envy, which can also be called admiration and the desire for the best. Bright envious people rejoice when they see that someone has something better, sincerely strive for it and are glad that this is, in principle, possible. Other people's successes inspire them.
The test for the color of envy is very simple - a reaction to a situation: “The neighbor’s grass is greener.” The black envious person will think: “It would be better if the hail had beaten her!” The white envious person will be more diligent in watering his...
Of course, there are very few enlightened people on earth who live without looking at others. In a situation with green grass, they would sincerely praise the owners, be glad that they could see such an elegant estate from the threshold, and then take care of their home yard to their own taste. Everyone should strive to achieve such self-sufficiency and goodwill. And for those who are still far from such heights, we advise you to switch to the bright side of envy and perceive other people's successes as proof that anything is possible! Indeed, feelings of envy can be used constructively. Do you want something that your neighbor has? You can achieve the same. Try it yourself, and if it doesn’t work, you know who to ask how he achieved it!
Sincerely wish good to others - and it will come back to you a hundredfold!
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Today I will answer the question how to get rid of envy stop envying people. Envy is a common vice that is reflected in different cultures and traditions. For example, in Catholic theology, envy is one of the seven deadly sins, associated with other vices and crimes.
Indeed, because of envy, many terrible actions are committed, which people later regret. But even if a person does not splash out envy, it eats him up from the inside, causing him to experience senseless pain and frustration due to the fact that other people have things that this person would like to have or possess. personal qualities, which the envious person wants to possess.
This pain is meaningless because it does not lead to anything other than suffering. Envy, dissatisfaction, which is learned by comparing ourselves with other people, does not bring us closer to what we envy so much: money, attention, social status, external attractiveness. Instead of sharing the joy of success with another person or using his example as life lesson, we envy, subconsciously wish him failure, cultivate hatred for ourselves and suffer ourselves.
But the insidiousness of envy lies not only in the fact that it causes other vices, such as hatred, intolerance, irritation and despondency. The point is that envy cannot be satisfied. No matter how rich we are, someone will still be richer than us. If we receive a lot of attention from the opposite sex, then in any case we will someday meet people who are more physically attractive than us. And if we are the undoubted leader in one thing, then there will always be people who will surpass you in something else. The outside world will not allow us to completely satisfy our feelings of envy.
How to stop being jealous of people
All this does not mean that this feeling cannot be gotten rid of. But to do this, it is necessary to direct influences on themselves mental mechanisms the appearance of this feeling, and not on objects outside world, which supposedly cause this feeling. After all, the reasons for all your emotions and desires lie within you. I hope this article will help you overcome these reasons. I'll tell you how you need to work on yourself to achieve this.
1 - Don't feed your envy
Many people, when they begin to envy, instinctively try to stop envy in the following way. For example, they are offended by the fact that their neighbor has more money than them. To cope with this feeling, they begin to think: “So what if he is richer? But I'm smarter, I got it better education and my wife, although not as beautiful, is younger than his.”
Such arguments cool envy a little and allow you to feel more worthy and developed person than your neighbor, whose wealth probably came from dishonest means.
This is the natural train of thought of a person experiencing envy. Many psychological articles give advice along the same lines: “Think about your strengths and good qualities. Find what you are better at than other people!”
Also, similar sources recommend looking for what is hidden behind external well-being the object of envy, offering to pacify your envy by thinking that the people you envy may not be as good as they seem from the outside.
Perhaps your neighbor's wealth is not easy to come by, he has to invest a lot of effort and, most likely, he does not even have time to spend all this money. And his wife, perhaps, has the character of a bitch and takes out all her anger on her neighbor when he returns from tiring work.
In my opinion, such advice does not serve the purpose of eliminating envy, although it would seem to correspond to considerations common sense. Why do I think this?
Because when you try to cope with your envy in a similar way, you continue to indulge it, feed it. After all, you don’t make this “demon” of envy shut up. Instead, you politely reassure him with a feeling of your own superiority over others or with the knowledge that everything is not as good for strangers as it seems. Is this how you can defeat this “demon”? After all, he will gratefully swallow these arguments, but he will become full only for a while!
It's like throwing it to a hungry person and angry dog a bone so that he would occupy his mouth with something and stop barking and gnawing on the bars of the cage in which he sits. But he will still gnaw the bone sooner or later. She will not satisfy his appetite, but will only excite him even more! And his fangs will become sharper, sharpened on the bone.
Therefore, I believe that there is no need to feed your envy with such admonitions. This does not mean that you should consider yourself worse than others in everything. This means simply accepting what is, not wishing any people failure and not putting yourself above others.
The “demon” of envy will die only when you stop feeding it with fruits from the tree of your conceit.
I have to apply this principle in my life quite often. For example, I notice that my friend great feeling humor, much better than mine. I instinctively begin to think: “but I speak and express my thoughts better than him...”. But then I interrupt myself: "Stop! No “buts”. Just at my friend's better feeling humor than me. This is a fact. That's all."
This calm acceptance that someone is better than you at something without any “indulgences” on the part of your Ego requires a certain courage. But this is the only way to defeat your vice and starve the “demon” of envy.
Of course, this alone is not enough. It may not be clear to everyone how to achieve this. Next I will try to give other tips that will help you admit without unnecessary emotions that you are not ideal person and there are people who are better than you in some ways. I don't want to say that you should completely resign yourself to this and not improve your qualities. Not at all. I will also tell you in this article what self-development has to do with envy. But first things first.
2 - Get rid of the sense of justice
Envy is often associated with our ideas of fairness. It seems to us that our (long-suffering) neighbor does not deserve the money he earns. You should earn this kind of money, because you are smart, educated, intelligent, not like your neighbor, who is not interested in anything other than beer and football, and you even doubt whether he graduated from school.
Dissatisfaction is born due to the discrepancy between reality and your expectations., frustration. But it is important to understand that ideas about justice exist only in your head! You think, “actually, I should be earning more than I am.” Who do they owe it to? Or why should they? The world exists according to its own laws, which do not always correspond to your concepts of right and wrong, fair and unfair.
This world doesn't "owe" you anything. Everything in it happens as it happens and in no other way.
When you begin to think about injustice done to you, you look at it from the perspective of those things that you do not have, but are present in someone else and are the objects of your envy. But for some reason you don’t think about the things you already have.
You ask: “Why don’t I have such an expensive car like my neighbor, where is the justice?”
But you don’t ask: “Why do I have a house and someone else doesn’t? Why can I even want this car at all, and some people are born disabled, with severe physical limitations and cannot even think about women or cars?”
Why don't you ask where justice is in the latter case? Do you really think that injustice is being done only to you?
That's the way the world is. It doesn't always meet our expectations. Get rid of all the “shoulds.” .
3 - Wish people well
Learn to enjoy other people's successes, and not suffer because of them. If your friend or close person achieved some success, then that’s good! This is a person close to you, to whom you probably wish well and prosperity, since you feel sympathy or love for him (otherwise he would not be your friend).
And it’s just great if this friend bought himself new apartment in Moscow or married a smart and beautiful woman. Try to be happy for him! Of course, when you try to do this, you will be met with a feeling of injustice: “Why does he have this and I don’t?”
Instead, think about the fact that at least one of you has something and that is better than if neither of you had it.
"I" and other "I"
Many human vices come from the fact that we cling very strongly to our “I”, believing that the desires, thoughts, needs of this “I” are much more important than the needs of someone else’s “I”.
And envy also comes from this attachment. We believe that the fact that we have or do not have certain things matters much more than whether other people have those things. Technically, it makes no difference whether you or your neighbor drives an expensive SUV. It’s just that the jeep belongs to someone and someone uses it. But from within your “I” this fact becomes great importance. It is important for you that you have this jeep, it is you, your “I”, who gets pleasure from driving it, and not the “I” of someone else! There is nothing surprising here. It was nature that made man such that he puts his own “I” at the center of all existence.
But this does not mean that this order of things is final and unchangeable. People very rarely think about the following thing: “why is suddenly my happiness and satisfaction so much more important than the happiness and satisfaction of another person?” If they thought about it more often, then, in my opinion, they would have a chance to understand that their “I” is not the most important thing in the world that strangers represent various “I”s, each of which wants something just like you, strives for something just like you, suffers and rejoices just like you.
And this understanding should open a person’s way to compassion and empathy, which will allow him to share someone else’s joy and better understand someone else’s suffering. This is not just some moral ideal, it is a way to stop clinging to own desires, as the most important thing in the world and to gain independence from these desires and from the fact that we cannot satisfy all desires.
How more people considers his “I” to be the most important thing in the world, the more he suffers.
5 - Think about development!
It happens that envy appears for the reason that other people's successes and merits remind us of our own imperfections and shortcomings. Compared to other people, we begin to seem like losers, weak people and this causes an acute feeling of dissatisfaction with oneself and envy.
But even if we are indeed worse than others in some ways, this does not mean that this will always be the case! It is from the belief that our personality cannot change and go beyond our innate abilities that it forms many vices: painful conceit, intolerance to failure, rejection of criticism and envy.
A person with such an attitude, instead of developing, directs all his efforts to prove that he is better, smarter than others from birth. Prove, first of all, to yourself. But reality will not always echo his expectations, causing acute disappointment and rejection. This point was brilliantly discussed in the book.
We can develop the qualities in ourselves that we envy when we see other people.
After all, if we think about our qualities in this way, then there will be fewer reasons for envy, because the unfavorable verdicts that we make to ourselves, comparing ourselves with other people, will not be final! We will stop focusing on our supposedly unchangeable imperfection, which is most clearly manifested against the backdrop of the merits of others, and we will strive to change. We can become better and get closer to what we envy so much.
Of course, the idea that we can become as smart (or rich) as our friend if we put in the effort and become (or learn to make money) can inspire a person and help him cope with feelings of envy of a friend.
But, nevertheless, you should not completely convert envy into motivation for development. After all, if we develop only in order to become better than some people, then we will suffer the notorious disappointment. Firstly, someone will still be better than us. Secondly, we still won’t be able to develop some qualities much. No matter how much we want it, we cannot get the looks of a Hollywood actor. Thirdly, our expectations and hopes will not always be realized. Even with titanic efforts, we may not achieve what we so desired.
Therefore, on the one hand, you should develop your qualities because it will help you become better and happier, and not in order to feed your pride. On the other hand, you need to accept yourself as you are, especially where you cannot change yourself and be prepared for the fact that your plans will not come true. It's a delicate balance between the desire to develop, become better, self-acceptance and readiness for anything. If you find this balance, you will become much happier and less jealous of other people.
6 - Be prepared to take responsibility for the path you choose
Each person chooses his own path. This choice does not necessarily happen only once in a lifetime. This path is like a forked road, with forks occurring frequently. U different paths there are different advantages. And the advantages that exist on one path may not exist on another.
Therefore, there is no need to compare your path with the path of another person, because you yourself made your choice, and the other person also made their choice.
If your used car with a rattling engine is overtaken on the highway by a huge, shiny SUV, driving which you recognize someone you know, then know that this person is following his own path, different from yours.
Maybe at one time you relied on freedom from daily work, large number time that you can devote to yourself or your family, and not to making money. Whereas the man in the jeep decided that he would spend a lot of time at work constantly thinking about how to earn more. He took risks, strived for more and as a result of his efforts he was able to afford to buy this jeep.
Everyone chose their own and received what was due in their choice, you - freedom and personal life, someone else - money.
But the choice is not always conscious. Maybe your friend with an expensive car at one time chose the opportunity to work for his future, to get good education and work. And at the same time, you preferred momentary pleasure to your future: you skipped classes at the institute, went for walks, drank and had fun. And this is also a choice, although you might not be aware of it.
Therefore, be prepared to bear responsibility for the consequences of your choices. This is your path and you choose it yourself. And by the way, you can always change it. Then what can you be jealous of?
But if, say, you and your friend initially chose the same thing: education, then work and money, but the result is different for each of you: you drive a junk car, and he drives a beautiful jeep. You work as much as he does, but do not get significant results. What to do in this case? And here we come again to the concept of justice.
What determines your path?
You can accept that your path is determined not only by your choice, but also by the direction of the road, obstacles on your course, and the length of your legs. That is, it depends on random circumstances, luck, your abilities, meetings with other people along the way, etc.
If this is so, then everything falls into place. It turns out that no two paths can be the same, every path is unique. And the result of this path was formed under the influence of many, many factors, that is, this result cannot be called accidental. It existed within the framework of cause-and-effect relationships, which determined end result. That is, everything happened the way it should have happened and no other way. Maybe this is real justice, which lies in the fact that everything happens in accordance with some order incomprehensible to man? (I'm not talking about karma or anything like that, I'm just talking about cause-and-effect relationships that we can't comprehend with our minds.)
I understand that I went into philosophy, but I want to say that all these arguments can be applied in life. Understand that the fact that you are driving an old car did not just happen. This result was prepared by many events in your life, destinies were involved in it different people. This was your path.
Even if you couldn’t always make your choice and decide where to move, but what happened, happened. That's life.
7 - Think about the value of what you envy
Whatever a person strives for, he does not achieve the happiness that his imagination promises him.
Therefore, in principle, there are no such material things that are worth envying at all. Since there is actually no significant difference between whether you have them or not. I understand that this statement seems very controversial to some, but if you think about it, it’s true. Remember your childhood, were you more unhappy then than now, due to the fact that you did not have the attributes of adult life (car, money, etc.)? And when you got these things, did you become any happier than before?
I don't think so. But what can be said not about material things, but about some personal qualities. Intelligence, beauty, charisma, etc. In fact, these qualities, just like material things, also do not make people happier (at least not always). They can form a short contentment, fleeting pleasure, but it cannot be said that beautiful and smart person happy all the time just because he is like that! He gets used to these attributes as well as to a yacht or a car! Moreover, beauty (and intelligence too) are not eternal. Someday they will begin to fade. And then the one who was attached to these things will feel acute dissatisfaction and even suffering!
Therefore, there are practically no things to be envious of. Because many of them do not bring the expected happiness! Doesn't have special significance, in principle, a smart person or a stupid person, beautiful or ugly. By by and large everyone has similar fates: from a billionaire to a beggar, from a top model to a seasoned housewife. After all, it cannot be said that one of them is much happier than the other.
This is a rather strange statement for an article on a site dedicated to self-development. “Why develop if it makes no difference what happens in the end?” - You ask. I must answer this that, firstly, I never thought about self-development for the sake of self-development. I considered all the qualities that need to be developed only from the perspective of the possibility of achieving happiness, as tools of this happiness, and not an end in itself. Secondly, I don’t want to say that there is no difference at all between whether you are smart or stupid, rich or poor. You just don’t need to get attached to these things and believe that the one who possesses them certainly rests on some happy Olympus and therefore these are the things you lack for happiness.
Why did I take happiness as what defines a trait? human destiny. Because all people, consciously or not, strive for happiness. But most of them choose the wrong path and, even having achieved fabulous wealth and power, do not come there. I talked about this in my article.
Conclusion - Envy prevents us from learning from other people
Why is envy considered such a great vice? I already said at the beginning that it does not bring any benefit, but only suffering. It prevents us from sharing their joy with other people. But there is another reason. Envy prevents us from learning from other people. Instead of looking at their merits and merits and striving for them, we silently suffer because of envy, secretly wishing for these people to fail.
Peculiarity negative emotions is such that they force a person to become fixated on themselves, depriving his mind of mobility and choice: such a person can only think about one thing. But openness, sincerity, respect and empathy give our minds more freedom. And he gets the opportunity to learn something new.
If you stop being envious, then the other person’s world will no longer be an object for comparison, but will become open book, from which you can extract a lot of useful information for yourself. By freeing your mind from envy, you will be able to understand other people more deeply.
I hope my advice will help you overcome envy. But if you are still caught off guard by this feeling, remember that it is just a feeling that you do not have to obey. Stop suffering because of the thoughts that this feeling communicates to you. Just relax and observe this feeling from the outside without any thoughts. This always helps!
