What is important for growing up. Causes of emotional immaturity

How to grow up?

Many of us, while still children, dreamed of growing up quickly. This trend is also quite relevant in modern world. Teenagers and children want to be adults, to be respected, to have complete freedom of action, to be able to decide for themselves what to do, they are burdened by the so-called submission to their parents. But growing up does not lie in the listed categories, but first of all in the fact that a person clearly distinguishes for himself such concepts as good and evil, wisdom and stupidity; an adult will be able to curb the manifestations of childish or youthful maximalism, emotions when they are unnecessary , and will also be ready to answer for his actions and actions independently, which is a significant responsibility to society and himself.

What is the difference between an adult and a child and a teenager?

To answer this question, we must consider it with different sides(although, of course, there are situations when a child, in terms of his level of development and individual qualities outgrows an adult, and this may depend on certain life circumstances):

• First of all, an adult is a carrier of a certain life experience and knows about real life much more than a child or teenager, who is still limited to a certain social area, for example, a school or kindergarten.
• An adult is forced to restrain his emotions in public, because this is dictated by the ethics of a truly adult and conscious member of society. In this case, it is easier for children, they are free and more free to express their emotions. Two periods of a child’s growing up are especially noteworthy: 5-7 years - preschool period, when children are characterized by a very variable psychological state and youthful maximalism, which all adolescents go through, from the stage of puberty to adolescence.
• An adult is responsible for himself and his family, while a child is still responsible only for himself, but even this he does not always succeed, since on a subconscious level children feel the support of their parents and the opportunity to shift the right of responsibility for their behavior to them. shoulders.
• The child is almost entirely dependent on his parents, both financially and psychologically. An adult is his own support and depends only on himself.
• Physical Features also play a differentiating role in defining an adult and a child.

According to the latest statistics in the field of sociology, the infantilization of society has reached its climax, many 30-year-old people behave like 15-year-old teenagers, and 40-year-olds behave like 20-year-olds, this is not the norm.

How to grow up correctly

How to grow up quickly is a rather serious question, the answer to which is individual for each teenager or child, since all people are different. Don’t rush to grow up! Think about the fact that you can never return a carefree childhood, but adulthood With responsibility for your actions, for your behavior, where there will no longer be a strong parental shoulder, you will always have time to start.

To grow up both as a girl and young man, you need to think about the future, about family, about career, about the future, that is, about things that will later play decisive role in the fate of each of both. A young man should feel responsible both for himself and for his significant other.

A life goal is also one of the guidelines for a young individual’s maturation. After all, to achieve a goal, a person solves certain problems, often difficult ones, and makes difficult decisions.

Some people come to the question of how to stop being a child only at a conscious age. When life passes you by, desires are not fulfilled, situations are worse than each other, and loved ones constantly talk about your irresponsible attitude to everything that is happening - this means it’s time to part with immaturity and grow up.

Why is it beneficial for some to remain children when they are already of a conscious age?

Often Those people who don't want to grow up are those who are afraid of responsibility. like fire. It’s convenient to blame everything on someone else, complain about circumstances that didn’t work out, and see everything as the fault of relatives or friends who don’t understand all the difficulties that surround you everywhere. The list of problems increases every day, but no one cares about you. It is these thoughts that are the main foundation of the life of a person who is not ready to grow up.

But there are difficult ones psychological trauma, the consequence of which may also be a certain irresponsibility in human behavior and actions. It is difficult for such people to cope with the problem on their own, so in such cases psychological or psychiatric help from qualified specialists is necessary.

5 necessary rules for rapid personal growth

To grow up, you must follow 5 rules:

• Responsibility

Perhaps the most important point in growing up is developing the ability to take responsibility. A person who is ready to be responsible for his actions, decisions, and actions can consciously call himself an adult.

• Working on thoughts

It all starts from this point. The day has come when you make a firm decision to change your present and future. You make the decision to grow up consciously and decisively forever. At this stage, self-improvement techniques will help, such as:

1. the Turbo-Suslik system - psychotechnics allows you to get rid of immaturity, but in fact, it has a wider range of solutions to problems, such as: getting rid of negative traits personality, oppressive emotions, limiting beliefs, from emotional trauma, complexes and much more. . This is serious technology and really transformative. inner world as soon as possible. The system is so powerful and self-sufficient that you don’t even need to use the techniques below (from this numbered list).
2. books on self-improvement, the power of thought, about the hidden capabilities and resources of a person;
3. exercise for the mind, meditation (concentrating on one thought for 5 minutes every day);
4. positive attitudes towards success (the ability to control your mental flows, avoid negative emotions and moods);
5. affirmations (blocks of optimistic statements that strengthen the mind’s attitude towards life situations (success, health, harmony in relationships, abundance).

Physical exercise is just as necessary for a person as mental exercise. There will always be a flow in a strong healthy body internal energy, strength, resources. After a good exercise, a visit to the gym, a person begins to feel spiritually uplifted, new ideas begin to enter his head, and his general condition is in high spirits. By exercising physically, you will not give illnesses a chance. Daily physical exercise discipline, help to organize the daily routine correctly.

• Intelligent programming

A strong intention to change the situation for the better, learn to take responsibility, and take a leading role in important life situations will awaken in you those hidden capabilities that will help you achieve what you want. It will be useful to attend trainings personal growth, consultations with a psychologist, or use the Turbo-Suslik system, which gives deeper results than the trainings and consultations described above.

You need to start rebooting your emotions by recording your emotional state on paper, for example: on a scale from 1 to 10 (where “1” is anxiety, fear, stress, and “10” is joy, optimism, happiness), mark your state V this moment time. This will be the starting point for recording the result of working on yourself. Brain training will also help here, because you will need to maintain a state of joy, success, and moral stability every day.

What other reasons are there for not wanting to grow up?

Our parents protect us from all adversity, but sometimes this process drags on for long years. It is the constant care of our relatives that relaxes the sense of responsibility and creates the illusion of comfort and the absence of problems.

There are several ways to correct this situation:

• Talk to your family for round table. Who, if you yourself, can clearly explain to them that the time has come to become independent, to solve personal issues on their own. Your decisive attitude will definitely find responses from your family.
• Live separately from family. As soon as you move to another apartment, house or dorm, you will immediately be faced with many situations, the resolution of which will fall solely on your shoulders.
• Don't be afraid to make decisions. It happens that life circumstances dictate to us the directions in which we supposedly should go. But this is what those people think who are accustomed to relying on fate in everything; those who do not want to be responsible for any consequences, transferring the entire burden of responsibility to someone other than themselves. Only by making a decision without outside help can you feel those threads of your consciousness that can control any life situation.

By making decisions on your own, you learn to analyze situations, compare possible solutions and consequences. All this is called in one word - experience. It is the experience that gives us the emotions and states that we want to experience.

Fear of disappointment prevents us from moving forward; doubts are also not our best friends in achieving our goals. But they are not an obstacle for those who are sure that after every fall begins a new rise, an ascent to their desires, dreams, and goals.

Anyone who has never fallen will not know how nice it is to get up again and go towards your goals no matter what. Only those who are so courageous and self-confident can conquer any peaks.

“It’s time for you to grow up” - such a phrase, said to you by people close to you, begins to psychologically strain you. And it seems like you are no longer a teenager, but a girl of quite a respectable age, and the attitude of those around you, as if you were a naive fool, is not serious. Your ideas are ignored and sometimes even ridiculed, albeit kindly. They don’t need your advice because they think it’s ridiculous. Well, what’s wrong with you, and how can you prove to your social circle that you’re old enough, and not just according to your passport?

Change your image

The first impression of a person is always based on his appearance. The “bluestocking” girl is treated like a nerd, steeped in science and unable to see anything around her, while the “gray mouse” is not noticed at all. Therefore, every girl always wants to stand out and dress catchy. What do you look like if they only see you as a naive girl?

Little girl

Rhinestones, bows, frills, oversaturation Pink colour. This one is “Miss Pink Brains” or “Anime Girl”. The girl clearly doesn't want to grow up. At home she has a mountain of plush toys and Barbie dolls. Until now, such a girl keeps her diary in a notebook, describing her impressions manually. And she tries to fake a child’s voice.

Some actresses have a special role - “ingénue”. This is when adult aunts play little girls. Well, like in our old film “Cinderella”. At that time, by the way, the actress who played the main character was 37 years old. But this is a movie, and in life it often happens that girls, and even adult women, flirt, remaining for a long time in childhood.

Therefore, if you have the same childish image, change it immediately. You will see how the attitude of people around you will change when frilly dresses are replaced by chic evening dresses and business suits. At least outwardly you will win for now.

Freak fashion

If you haven't gotten a tattoo yet and haven't pumped up your sore lips, then you're in luck. Because this fashion, fortunately, is already passing. It seems that the image makers of the passing time simply mocked their clients. A girl who looks like an inflatable doll from a sex shop causes, if not laughter, then bewilderment - and how did she end up?

Today, such selfies of girls with monkey lips and empty eyes are an excellent reason to stretch the tongues of wits. And in general, today such an “inflatable doll” is a clear image of female stupidity. If the thought of doing something like this with your body still haunts you, then here’s what awaits you:

Getting a tattoo is painful. But it’s even more painful to bring her down, and the scars will remind you of themselves. What seems relevant to you now in a tattoo design or inscription may soon seem unnecessary. This is not a drawing with a marker, it just doesn’t work that way. And the years go by, and the old woman with a tattoo looks funny.

Pumped lips. These two dumplings look disgusting. Of course, you can “pump them out” back (and not all of them), and not all women manage to regain their former fresh appearance. Moreover, you will also have to wait six months for metamorphoses to occur in the opposite direction.

Contemporary questionable fashion + tattoos + monkey lips. Just imagine, soon, when this idiocy passes, you will erase your selfies in horror. 100% you will be embarrassed by such photographs, which means that you will have no memory of your youth at all. It's a shame, isn't it? Therefore, the advice is this: don’t run after crazy fashion, just dress and decorate yourself with taste.

School teaches literacy, universities give you a specialty, life experience gives you wisdom, but how smart others perceive you depends only on your self-education. Being considered a fool among friends, colleagues and classmates is not exactly a high honor. To put it mildly. Therefore, without reading morals, here are two articles that will help you:

• - here you can find out about correct communication with representatives of the stronger sex;
• - here are tips on how to erase the shell of an infantile fool that you may be mistaken for.

But show this chapter Special attention. If you have no life experience in at a young age, then you can make up for it in three stages. True, not yet fully, but they may be useful in the future.

Surprisingly, psychological maturation most often comes to those young people who had hard times in childhood. A difficult family, unsettled life in the parents, an outcast in the class - life has taught such a person to be strong spirit and survive against fate. AND complete opposite- his peer is a major, not at all adapted to life, and he is unlikely to survive if he finds himself alone in difficult situation.

If you grew up caressed and spoiled since childhood parental attention, but you want to grow up on your own, try to go through three stages. Just try not to stop in the middle. This is not the circles of hell, but it will be difficult.

Stage one: "Robinson Crusoe"

Rocking chairs, gyms, fitness classes - this is of course good. To maintain a good figure and health. But this does not give rise to adulthood. Try joining a group that loves hiking. Just not the kind of tourism that is on the beach near the hotel, but real tourism - with tents and bonfires. And even better - where there is a share of extreme sports, for example, alloys.

What it will bring to you:

You will learn to live in society without the usual benefits. At first it will be difficult for you to sleep on hard ground in a sleeping bag, but this is a good test for you personally.

You will strengthen your character. There is no place for sissies on such trips - everyone has their own duties, which they must perform without whims.

You will learn to survive in difficult conditions. It is unknown what surprises fate may bring you, but the skill will already be there.

You will get rid of many phobias that you had before: spiders, depth of water, darkness - all this will seem like trifles in the future.

Supporting the entire group in difficult survival will teach you to value friendship and understand people - who is weak in spirit, and who, on the contrary, you can rely on in difficult times.

And most importantly, you will soon understand how romantic it is.

Stage two: “Volunteer”

Many people associate volunteering with something disgusting: what is it like changing old people’s diapers and scraping out feces in animal enclosures? No, this is voluntary and selfless help to those who are much worse off than you. There are other people to maintain their hygiene if you are so squeamish.

First of all, this is psychological help, this is precisely the lesson of the school of survival for yourself. If you ever spoon-feed a frail old man somewhere in a hospice, you will begin to understand what life is like inside out, which means you can become one step more mature.

Just no activists - no politics, no law and order on the streets, as young people now like to advertise on Youtube. Forget even about dog kennels for now. You need people. WITH real stories. In homes for the disabled and the elderly, on the streets, distributing food to the homeless, in orphanages. Be able to listen to them and understand their destiny.

What it will bring to you:

You will understand that not every homeless person is a person who has sunk to the bottom, that sometimes children can be stronger in spirit than an adult, that a disabled person tries not to differ from a healthy person, and that even an old man clutching at straws to live at least a little longer.

You will become more merciful and patient towards people. You will understand that your tiny problems are nothing compared to other people's. Your horizons will expand. And from now on, you will become disgusted with idle girlish gossip about nothing. Judging people without knowing about their problems will not be in your rules.

By encouraging such people and charging them with your optimism, you will give people at least a ray of hope. And this means that another step towards your growing up has already been laid - it was your kind word that became very significant for someone.

Stage three: “Independence”

Perhaps this stage will be the most difficult for you. You will have to make your own decisions for the whole month. Rent a place separate from your family. Not even an apartment, but some grandmother’s corner or a dorm room. The more difficult the conditions, the better.

Get a temporary job with daily pay. No, not prestigious, but simple. For example, a maid, a salesperson in a store or market. Exactly for the duration of independent living. And try to live on your income. But with one condition - during this time no one should help you even with a penny - neither parents, nor friends.

What will this give you:

You will learn to value every ruble you earn, especially if you had to live with your needs on porridge cooked in water.

Unlike Robinson Crusoe, you will live in society the same way, but without any support, which means you will strengthen your character even more.

You will learn what injustice is - when employers deceive you about money, when in a difficult situation your friends may turn away from you, and you will have to find a way out of the situation yourself, without relying on anyone.

You will begin to truly appreciate your loved ones, without arranging whims for them with the words “I want!” You will cope with your selfishness.

Return to normal life

If you go through all three stages, plus a change of image and self-education, then your metamorphoses in your familiar surroundings everyone will notice. Become an adult girl you succeeded, even at your young age. You will be a cut above your friends, even if they themselves are older than you. And this means that you will forever erase the image of a naive fool.

“Maturity occurs when a person mobilizes his resources to overcome the frustration and fear that arise due to lack of support from others. A situation in which an individual cannot take advantage of the support of others and rely on himself is called a dead end. Maturity lies in the ability to go take risks to get out of a dead end. Some people who are unable (or unwilling) to take risks take risks. for a long time take on the protective role of the “helpless”

Frederick Perls

“I do not agree with Perls, who claims that a sign of health and maturity is the ability to do without the support of the environment, with self-support alone. In my opinion, a healthy and mature individual is one who is able to flexibly, adequately and creatively perceive support both from the outside and and from our own resources."

Jean-Marie Robin

Criteria emotional maturity(William Menninger):
- The ability to constructively interact with the surrounding reality
(face reality, acknowledge problems rather than run away from them, look for ways to solve or cope with the situation);

Ability to adapt to change
(calm attitude to the fact that changes can disrupt the routine, change expectations; the ability to give yourself time to accept new things);

Ability to cope psychological stress and anxiety and prevent psychosomatic reactions
(ability to find constructive ways coping with stress, mastering relaxation skills, achieving inner harmony);

The ability to experience greater satisfaction from giving than receiving;

Ability to understand people and connect with them mutual language, cooperate and come to mutual agreement, help each other;
(key features healthy relationships- this is love and mutual respect)

The ability to creatively direct impulsive hostile energy into a constructive direction;

Ability to love

Mature family

(Polina Gaverdovskaya)

Signs of a psychologically mature personality

Model mature personality allows for a different set of characteristics, so here we are talking about those that can form the central framework of such a personal model:
1.Authenticity (originality)
There are 3 main signs of authentic existence:
-full awareness of the present moment of life;
-independent choice of a way of life at the moment;
-Adoption personal responsibility for this choice.
Authenticity to some extent generalizes many personality traits. First of all, it is an expression of sincerity. An authentic person wants to be and is himself, both in his immediate reactions and in his overall behavior. The difficulty most people have is that they vital energy spend it on playing roles, on creating an external facade, instead of using it to solve their real problems. If a man most time will hide behind the mask of some role, then in return he will receive a similar insincere attitude from others. Authenticity exemplifies flexible behavior.
2.Openness own experience(accepting your feelings)
Here, openness is understood not in the sense of frankness in front of other people, but as sincerity in perception own feelings. Social experience teaches you to deny, to discard your feelings, especially negative ones, but a psychologically mature person acts differently - he lives them. Only in this case can you successfully regulate your behavior, since repressed feelings become a source of erupting uncontrollable emotions. Realizing emotional reactions, a person can choose one or another way of behavior in each situation, rather than allowing unconscious feelings to disrupt the regulation of behavior. Therefore, a mature person shows tolerance to the entire gamut of his own and others’ emotional reactions.
3.Development of self-knowledge
Limited self-knowledge implies a limitation of freedom, and deep self-knowledge increases the possibility of choice in one’s life. Than more people knows about himself, the better he will understand other people, and vice versa - the more a person understands others, the deeper he understands himself. The inability to hear what is going on inside us limits our effectiveness in life. It is very important to be realistic and conscious about ourselves.
4.Strength of personality and identity
A mature person should know who he is, who he can become, what he wants from life, what is essentially important to him and what is unimportant. He approaches life with questions, answers the questions life poses to him, and constantly tests his values. A mature person is not a reflection of other people's hopes, he acts based on his own internal position. This will make him feel strong in interpersonal relationships.
5.Ability to withstand uncertainty
Confidence in one’s intuition and the adequacy of feelings, confidence in the constructiveness of decisions made and the ability to take justifiable risks help a person to endure the stress created by the uncertainty of the occurrence of the entire series life situations.
6.Accepting personal responsibility
Understanding your responsibility allows you to freely and consciously make a choice at any moment of communication - agree with the arguments of your interlocutor or engage in productive confrontation. Personal responsibility helps you deal with criticism more constructively. In such cases, criticism does not trigger defense mechanisms, but serves as a useful feedback, improving the efficiency of activity and even the organization of human life.
7.Depth of relationships with others
A psychologically mature person is not afraid of intimacy, openness and depth of relationships. He is able to quite freely express his feelings, both positive and negative, when communicating with other people. And when evaluating other people (their views, feelings, character traits), he does this without judgment or labeling.
8. Setting realistic communication goals
9. Feeling empathy for others
Empathy is sympathy and understanding of the feelings of a communication partner, as well as the obligatory consideration of them in the communication process
(Andrey Konovalov)

Maturity (according to G. Allport)
Allport believed that human maturation is a continuous, lifelong process of becoming and believed that a psychologically mature person is characterized by 6 main traits.
1. A mature person has wide boundaries of self. Mature individuals can look at themselves “from the outside”
2. A mature person is capable of warm, cordial social relationships. There are two types of warm interpersonal relationships, falling under this category: friendly intimacy and sympathy. The friendly-intimate aspect of a warm relationship is reflected in a person's ability to show deep love for family and close friends, untainted by possessiveness or jealousy. Empathy is reflected in a person's ability to be tolerant of differences (in values ​​or attitudes) between himself and others, which allows him to demonstrate deep respect for others and acceptance of their positions, as well as commonality with all people
3. A mature person demonstrates emotional detachment and self-acceptance. Adults have a positive self-image and are thus able to tolerate both disappointing or irritating events and their own shortcomings without becoming internally bitter or bitter. They also know how to cope with stressful situations and their own emotional states(eg, depression, fear, anger or guilt) in a way that does not interfere with the well-being of others. For example, if they are having a bad day, they don’t take it out on the first person they meet. Moreover, when expressing their opinions and feelings, they take into account how it will affect others.
4. A mature person demonstrates realistic perceptions, experiences and aspirations. Sees things as they are, not as they would like them to be. May temporarily push his personal desires and impulses into the background until an important task is completed.
Thus, adults perceive other people, objects and situations as they really are; they have enough experience and skill to deal with reality; They strive to achieve personally meaningful and realistic goals.
5. A mature person demonstrates self-knowledge and a sense of humor. Socrates noted that in order to live full life, there is one overriding rule: “Know yourself.” Allport called it "self-objectification", knowledge own psychology. By this he meant that mature people have a clear understanding of their own strengths and weaknesses. An important component of self-knowledge is humor, which prevents pompous self-aggrandizement and idle talk. It allows people to see and accept the extremely absurd aspects of their own and others' life situations.
6. A mature person has a coherent philosophy of life. Mature people are able to see the whole picture by clearly, systematically, and consistently highlighting what is significant in their own lives. According to Allport, there is no best goal or philosophy here. Allport's point on this matter is that adult personality has a deeply rooted set of certain values ​​in a person, which serve as the unifying basis of his life. The unifying philosophy of life therefore provides a kind of dominant value orientation, which gives significance and meaning to almost everything a person does.

16 elements of mental and emotional health(by Nancy McWilliams)
1.Ability to love
The ability to engage in relationships, to open up to another person. Love him as he is: with all his shortcomings and advantages. Without idealization and devaluation. It is the ability to give rather than take.
2.Ability to work
This applies not only to the profession. It is primarily about the ability to create and create.
It is important for people to realize that what they do has meaning and meaning for Others. This is the ability to bring something new into the world, creativity
3.Ability to play
Here we are talking about both the literal sense of “play” in children and the ability of adults to “play” with words and symbols. This is an opportunity to use metaphors, allegories, humor, symbolize your experience and enjoy it
4.Safe relationships
Unfortunately, often people who seek psychotherapy are in violent, threatening, dependent relationships - in a word, unhealthy relationships
5.Autonomy
People who turn to psychotherapy often have a lack of it (but huge potential, since they finally came to therapy). People don't do what they really want. They don’t even have time to “choose” (listen to themselves) what they want.
6. Constancy of self and object or the concept of integration
This is the ability to remain in touch with all aspects of one's self: both good and bad, both pleasant and not causing intense joy. It is also the ability to feel conflicts without being split. This is the contact between the child I was, the person I am now, and the person I will be in 10 years. This is the ability to take into account and integrate everything that is given by nature and what I have managed to develop in myself. One of the violations of this paragraph may be an “attack” on own body when it is not unconsciously perceived as part of oneself. It becomes something separate that can be forced to starve or cut, etc.
7.Ability to recover from stress (Ego strength)
If a person has enough ego strength, then when he encounters stress, he does not get sick, does not use only one inflexible defense to get out of it, and does not break down. He is capable of the most the best way adapt to a new situation
8.Realistic and reliable self-esteem
9. System of value orientations
It is important that a person understands ethical standards, their meaning, and at the same time be flexible in following them
10.Ability to endure intense emotions
Tolerating emotions means being able to stay with them, feel them, without acting under their influence. It is also the simultaneous ability to remain in contact with both emotions and thoughts - the rational part of oneself.
11.Reflection
The ability to look at yourself as if from the outside. People with reflection are able to see what exactly their problem is, and accordingly, deal with it in such a way as to solve it, helping themselves as effectively as possible
12.Mentalization
Possessing this ability, people are able to understand that Others are completely separate individuals, with their own characteristics, personal and psychological structure. Such people also see the difference between feeling offended by someone's words and the fact that the other person did not really mean to offend them
13. Wide variety defense mechanisms and flexibility in their use
14. Balance between what I do for myself and for my environment.
This is about the opportunity to be yourself and take care of your own interests, while also taking into account the interests of the partner with whom you are in a relationship
15.Feeling of vitality
The ability to be and feel alive
16.Accepting what we cannot change
This is about the ability to be sincerely and honestly sad, to experience grief over what cannot be changed.
Accepting our limitations and mourning what we wish we had but don't have.

Thus, each person may have to varying degrees these 16 elements of mental health.

(Yu. Kolotyrkina)

B. Livehud suggests that 3 main properties formed in a mature person This:
- the mind has matured into wisdom
- the ability to communicate has developed into gentleness and condescension
- self-awareness - into trust.

A few important components of mental health and well-being:

1. Accepting yourself as a person worthy of respect.

2. A person’s ability to maintain positive, warm, trusting relationship with others.

3. Autonomy is the independence and ability of a person to regulate his behavior from within, and not wait for praise or evaluation of himself from others. It is the ability by which a person can disengage from collective beliefs, prejudices and fears.

4. Environmental mastery - a person’s ability to actively choose and create his own environment that meets his psychological conditions life.

5. Confidence in the presence of purpose and meaning in life, as well as activities aimed at achieving meaning.

6. The need for self-realization and own abilities. An important aspect of treating yourself as an individual capable of self-improvement is also openness to new experiences.

By by and large, mental health depends on the state of our body, psyche and social environment.

For children, additional conditions are required:

Presence of parents;

Attentiveness to the emotional needs of the child;

More autonomy and independence.

Merger– this is mixing with the manifestations of the selves of other people.
Fusion Characteristics:
1. Losing yourself in close relationships: anticipating desires, monitoring your partner’s behavior to please him, worrying about what they think of you.

2. Negative influence the mood of another on your mood and attitude towards yourself.

3. Assessing one’s own value based on external criteria: praise, education, money, social life. status.

4. Unconscious children's reactions based on other people's opinions or childhood traumas: outbursts of fear, resentment, pain, anger, but more intense than the situation requires.

5. Blaming others: We perceive people and the world as external to us, those who “do things to us” instead of recognizing our own participation in dramatic situations and personal problems.

6. Self-justification in the face of criticism.

7. The need to always be right or constantly consider yourself wrong.

8. Dependence on others for external convenience and emotional comfort.

9. Inability to share or thoughts that a person should somehow return what was given to you.

10. Presenting oneself as a righteous person or a sufferer, the point of view is that life is full of pain.

11. Obsessive behavior.

12. Changing our personality or behavior to please our partner.

13. The need to constantly save someone, worry about someone, be overly involved in their problems

14. Maintaining painful, abusive, meaningless relationships out of fear or unwillingness to be alone.

Discrimination- means the ability to maintain one’s identity by entering into close connection with other people or in conflicts based on beliefs. By discriminating, you are able to feel peace within yourself and not be captured by the emotions of other people, not influenced by their opinions and moods.

Characteristics Differences:
1. Sincerity - the ability to determine one’s own desires and say “yes”, “no”, “maybe”, express one’s feelings even in the face of unpleasant consequences.

2. The ability to remain within ourselves, regardless of the effects of other people's worries and concerns. Instead of absorbing negative feelings or feeling responsible for other people's problems, we can smooth them over, give helpful advice and remain present witnesses of what is happening.

3. Maintaining our own value and our values ​​is our self-worth ( http://vk.com/wall-30867759_4090) remains unchanged in the face of victories and defeats.

4. Improvement, transformation of one’s qualities through reflection, contact and experimentation.

5. Search and understanding of our values, often accompanied by a refusal to be guided by what we learned at school and in the family. Learning to trust your own inner wisdom.

6. Absence of deliberate prejudice towards various beliefs, theories and developments of events. Differences in opinions are natural and not scary.

7. Awareness of temptations on the Path: your own and others. This includes attempts at control and manipulation. In the same way, we monitor our motivation and do not deceive ourselves. We don’t hide behind fake innocence, charm, and simplicity.

8. Focus on your inner world: reflect and analyze your actions: how I contributed to the resolution of this situation, how I coped with this boring sex life why do I remain so narrow-minded and an evil person. We know how to admit our mistakes, apologize if necessary, and end relationships if they cause us any harm.

9. The ability to ask for or give support to others without feeling weak or inferior. Accept your right to make mistakes.

10. The ability to give not out of duty and without feeling that we are giving away part of ourselves: we experience pleasure from the generosity of our soul, free from self-interest and calculation.

11. Clear vision of others - do not evaluate by categories, do not demand their changes. Accepting others as they are.

12. The ability to calm yourself down stressful situations and cope with difficulties. Realize the meaning of difficulties, look at the situation from the outside, maintain composure.

Charlotte Castle

Clinical psychologist Albert Ellis, founder of rational emotive therapy, believed that The main characteristics of well-functioning or self-actualizing people are:

● Personal interest. First of all they appreciate own interests, although they are willing to sacrifice them to some extent for the sake of those who are not indifferent to them.

● Social interest. Interested in meeting the needs of others and in social survival.

● Self-government. They take primary responsibility for their lives.

● Tolerance. They give themselves and others the right to make mistakes. Even if they do not like the behavior of some people, they refrain from blaming them as individuals.

● Flexibility. They think flexibly and are ready for change. They do not develop strict (rigid) rules for themselves and for other people.

● Acceptance of uncertainty. They recognize that the world is unstable and there are many accidents in it. Tend to maintain order, but do not demand it.

● Commitment. Have obligations to something outside of themselves. They achieve maximum realization of their capabilities, experiencing a constant interest in life.

● Creativity and originality. They show a penchant for innovation and have a creative approach to solving both everyday and professional problems. Often have at least one main creative interest.

●Rational and objective.

● Self-acceptance. They prefer to accept themselves unconditionally. They do not evaluate their inner world from an external point of view, and do not pay excessive attention to what others think about them.

● Acceptance of the animal nature in man. Accept animal nature themselves and other people.

● Risk. Willing to take calculated risks to get what you want.

● Perspective hedonism. In search of happiness and avoidance of pain, but maintain a balance between perspective and immediate gain. Not obsessed with the desire for immediate gratification.

● Lack of utopianism. They believe that perfection may be unattainable. Refuse to unrealistically strive for complete happiness or the complete absence of negative emotions.

● High frustration tolerance. They change those unpleasant conditions that they can change, accept those conditions that they cannot change, and see the difference between them.

● Responsibility for violation of its peace of mind. Accepts most of the responsibility for their disorders rather than becoming defensive by blaming other people or social conditions.

A. Alexandrov from "integrative psychotherapy"

Self-actualization according to A. Maslow

SELF-ACTUALIZATION (from the Latin actualis - actual, real) is a person’s craving for the fullest disclosure of his spiritual potential, for identifying personal capabilities. This concept is the focus of attention of one of the prominent psychologists of the 20th century. K. Rogers.
Man, like other living organisms, has an innate tendency to live, grow, and develop. All biological needs are subject to this trend. As a result of self-actualization, a person becomes more complex, independent, and socially responsible. Along with the formation of the “I,” the child develops a need for positive attitude towards oneself from others and the need for a positive self-attitude. In order for a child to realize himself, he must be surrounded with love and attention.
Unlike behaviorism and Freudianism, which believe that human behavior is determined mainly biological factors, supporters of self-actualization highlight social factors and environmental factors.
“The need for unity of a person with the environment, connection with the world of other living beings (the field “organism - environment”) is an urgent need, the satisfaction of which depends on the mental health of a person. A person can try to find unity with the world by submitting to an individual, a group, organization. But in this case, a person becomes dependent on other people and, instead of developing his individuality, he becomes dependent on those whom he obeys or dominates." E. Shostrom

According to the famous humanistic psychologist A. Maslow, the need for self-actualization is - most important factor in the formation of a psychologically mature person.
Maslow said that the human creature has instinct-like higher needs that are part of it. biological nature, among them is the need for self-actualization. On a non-verbal level, this means that every individual has a need to be seen in his essence, as he is."

Refusal of self-actualization ("Jonah complex")
"If you are intentionally going to become less significant personality than your abilities allow you, I warn you that you will be deeply unhappy all your life." A. Maslow
Maslow calls the Jonah complex a person’s reluctance to realize their natural abilities. Just as the biblical Jonah tried to avoid the responsibility of being a prophet, many people also avoid responsibility for fear of using their full potential. They prefer to set small, insignificant goals for themselves and do not strive for serious success in life. This “fear of grandeur” is perhaps the most dangerous barrier to self-actualization. A rich, full-blooded life seems unbearably difficult to many.
The roots of the Jonah complex can be seen in the fact that people are afraid to change their uninteresting, limited, but well-established existence, they are afraid to break away from everything familiar, to lose control over what they already have. A parallel with Fromm’s ideas, which he expressed in his famous book “Escape from Freedom,” involuntarily suggests itself.

Personal Sovereignty

"An important criterion of psychological maturity is personal sovereignty"

Concept of Sovereignty

Maturity as a period of summing up certain results is often accompanied by a crisis with a revision of basic existential questions: about the meaning of one’s own existence, a change in identity, a revision of the boundaries of psychological space
The most important criterion of psychological maturity is personal sovereignty (PS)
LS refers to a person’s internal emotional agreement with the circumstances of his life. Sovereignty is manifested in a person’s experience of the authenticity of his own being, appropriateness, and confidence that he acts in accordance with his own desires and beliefs.
The dependent position of a person is characterized by the fact that a person acts following the logic of circumstances and the will of other people. The dominant experiences in this case will be a feeling of subordination, alienation, fragmentation of one’s own life: a person feels either in “foreign territory” or out of his time.
The sovereignty of the individual is manifested in relation to the personalized part of the environment - the psychological space (SP) of the individual and its boundaries
A person's personal control boundaries are physical and psychological markers that separate one person's area of ​​personal control and privacy from another.
Functions of psychological boundaries:
1. Subjectivity is born at the border with the world, they show where I ends and someone else begins
2. define personal identity - i.e. ways of self-expression and self-affirmation. In case of dysfunction - blurred identity
3. By setting a boundary, a person creates an opportunity and tool for equal interaction. Mature contacts are carried out precisely on the border, where separation from each other is maintained, and the emerging union does not violate the integrity of the individual. If the function is impaired, contact is replaced by either passive manipulation or aggressive disrespect for another
4. selection external influences and protection from destructive influences. Dysfunction leads to victim attitude
5. determine the limits of personal responsibility. Violation of this function leads to: hyper-responsibility and mental overload, neurotic feelings of guilt, infantilization of others, inability to seek help

Weakness of boundaries:
1. vulnerability to social impacts, claims to personal property and territory, worldview and body. These people are characterized by deprived (deprived) personal space
2. lack of internal restraining forces before introducing other people into the space. Such people are characterized by their own super-sovereign space, that is, a space with rigidly fixed boundaries.

Maturity is characterized by the presence of a sovereign personal psychological space with strong boundaries, which he moves at his own discretion, taking into account the interests of other people.
(E. Fedorenko)

PARADOX OF LOVE

The main problem of love is first become mature. Then you will find a mature partner; then immature people will not attract you at all.

This is exactly what happens.

If you're twenty-five years old, you don't fall in love with a two-month-old baby. In the same way, if you are a mature person psychologically, spiritually, you will not fall in love with a child. This doesn't happen. This can't be, you see it's pointless.

A mature person has enough integrity to be alone. And when a mature person gives love, he gives it without any secret threads attached to it - he simply gives. When a mature person gives love, he feels grateful that you accepted it, not the other way around.
He doesn't expect you to be grateful for this - no, not at all, he doesn't even need your gratitude. He thanks you for accepting his love.

And when two mature man love each other, one of the greatest paradoxes of life occurs, one of the most beautiful phenomena: they are together, but at the same time immensely alone. They are together to such an extent that they are almost one, but their unity does not destroy individuality - in fact, it increases it, they become more individual. Two mature people in love help each other become freer.

There is no politics, no diplomacy, no trying to dominate another. How can you try to dominate the person you love? Just think about it - submission is a kind of hatred, anger, hostility. How can you even think about subjugating the person you love? You would like to see this person completely free, independent; you'd like to give it more personality.

That is why I call this the great paradox: they are together so much that they have almost merged into one, but still in this unity they remain individuals. Their personalities do not mix - they are amplified. The other is enriching in terms of freedom.

Excerpt from OSHO's book - "Maturity"

One of the founding fathers of systemic and family therapy, Murray Bowen on differentiation criteria, "Pseudo-Self" and "Hard Self"
The independent functioning of intelligence is not the only criterion for correct differentiation. There is a “Pseudo-Self” and a “Solid Self”.
The “solid I” is a person’s own; it is “composed of clearly certain ideas, beliefs and principles of life that come into the self from life experience through a process of intellectual reasoning and as a result of careful selection." Thanks to this, the true Self has unity and coherence: “Every belief of the solid Self, every life principle goes with all the others."
The basis for calling the “true self” “solid” is that the “solid self” is able to withstand not only the reactions of its own emotional-instinctive system, but also the pressure of others. “In any specific situation, it says: “This is me, I believe in this, I stand on this, I will do this, but I won’t do that.” ... By making a choice, a person becomes responsible for himself and for the consequences of his actions. … The Solid Self will act in accordance with its principles even in the most severe and troubling situation.
In contrast to this, the “pseudo-I is composed of wide range principles, beliefs, worldly wisdom and knowledge that is considered “correct” and is acquired because the group demands it. Since these principles are acquired under pressure, they are random and incompatible with each other, although the individual may not be aware of their inconsistency.

“Pseudo-I” is created under the pressure of emotions and under the pressure of emotions can be modified. Any emotional unit, be it a family or an entire community, exerts pressure on the members of its group in order to submit to the ideals and principles of the group. ... The pseudo-self is the pretended self, ... it is an actor, it can be represented by many different selves. ... For most people, it is not difficult to identify overt pretense, but since each of us is a bit of an actor, it can be quite difficult to identify subtle pretense. ... a good actor can be so realistic that without detailed knowledge of the functioning of emotional systems, it is impossible for himself and the people around him to distinguish between the solid self and the pseudo-self... The pseudo-self is created in the image and likeness of a system of relationships, and it is the subject of exchange in system of relations."
Murray Bowen.

Many thanks

no comments

Can a girl achieve harmony and contentment? own life, not knowing how to mature psychologically and orientate towards a renewed, deeper understanding of happiness? At a certain point already. It is quite natural that a girl wants to build her own relationships with friends and members of the opposite sex. But how to break out of the usual rut that recently provided comfort and a feeling of happiness?

How to grow up psychologically: causes of emotional infantilism

The need for psychological maturation awaits almost every girl who is accustomed to considering herself a spoiled girl. Is it any wonder that such a person does not even allow the thought of her own insolvency and the right of other people to have a personal (sometimes unpleasant for her) opinion. She considers only herself and her own interests to be the standard of correct assessment and justice. Similar when circumstances are contrary to her desires. Unable to admit own mistakes and improve internally, the girl considers the world hostile and unfair. Only those girls who realize the importance of not only himself, but also other people.

Psychological maturation will also save a young woman who takes revenge for insults and injustice (the cause of which actually lies within herself). Her rebellion and internal dissatisfaction boils down to attempts to prove that she is right at all costs. Otherwise, the girl shows aggression and tries to spite others, thereby only...

Such a girl will be helped to mature psychologically by realizing the inevitability of prohibitions (as the main condition for organizing life and everyday life) ensuring the harmonious coexistence of different individuals and their safety in society.

In addition, those girls who were suppressed and ridiculed by parents, teachers or peers from childhood often remain psychological children. Here the cause of the problem is hidden in the desire to remain in the shadows and the habit of not relying on own opinion. Their infantilism lies in a subconscious fear of making decisions and seeking encouragement for their own actions from other people. Such individuals often follow the lead of those who are confident in themselves and are easily influenced by outsiders. Only awareness of their own worth as a person will help them grow up psychologically. unique personality. Very much and not afraid to be the center of attention, and also without resorting to conflict.

How a girl can grow up psychologically: first steps

The search for solutions that tell how a girl can grow up psychologically is not about addiction to alcohol, smoking or physical intimacy with an older partner. A sign of growing up is noticeable in a person’s character, his manner of behaving and taking responsibility.

In addition to the desire to become an adult, the young lady will have to realize that she is independent and psychologically mature. Others no less important aspect is Objective assessment their advantages and disadvantages. Here already: the time has come to unravel the intricacies of circumstances.

Psychological maturation is also characterized by a girl’s ability to set priorities when she knows own price, accepts independent decisions, evaluates the prospect and chooses friends. Unlike a child, such a person has inner freedom, but holds himself under the tight grip of self-discipline. However, it is not only this that makes a mature girl stand out, but also her concern for others and the desire for material independence.

To become an adult you often have to change your usual understanding of the world and own beliefs. Psychological maturity includes the ability to cook, cope with children, adapt to the environment, join a team and work. If you make an effort to learn, master certain skills and dexterity, the harsh conditions of fate will not seem too painful.

If a girl is able to mobilize internal resources to overcome fear in the absence of support from others, you can not be afraid of the future. And readiness for decisive action with a sober assessment of the situation is Right way from a gloomy dead end to success and recognition of oneself as an individual. And the ability to understand people, forgive mistakes, etc. will help a girl feel comfortable in human society.